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| Are you receiving me loud and clear? |
The purpose of communication and communicating is to be understood, right? Meaning to get your message across AND in the way you INTENDED!
When you think about that - just how easy is it to be accurately understood, just as you intended 100% of the time? What about 50% of the time? Truth is its hard to achieve some of the time, never mind all of the time! So much can go wrong, just think about how often we misread an email, text or what's app message, or have others misread ours!
Given that between human beings communication often results in us being misunderstood, mis-represented, not listened to, or not believed.... what can we do to increase our chances of getting our views and needs across accurately and consistently?
Studies carried out in the 1960's suggest that in order to effectively get our message across we need to use 3 ingredients, in unison:
words + tone of voice + facial expressions ...
- they must all convey the same message at the same time!
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| Malhrabian Studies |
So, if you say the words "that sounds exciting" but you look bored and use a dull, flat tone of voice - chances are you wont convince anyone that you meant what you said! The other person's response, (always the true test of if we have been understood as intended), is that we get a reaction that can be aggressive, hurt or out to kill us!
"You're just saying that" or "You're not even listening to me" - etc etc. Sound familiar?
In reality it is hard to get all three ingredients together in the right quantity, at the right consistency and at the right time.
So turning to human and horse communication, how do we begin to communicate with them? Is it more difficult or easy? Are there 3 ingredients and if so are they the same?
I think communicating with horses entails:
Intention + Tone of Voice + Facial expressions + Breathing
Plus a dose of good timing = the Communication Recipe!
My personal teacher about how to communicate with my own horses is of course the horses themselves! From them I have learned that in order to follow the above recipe you do in fact need 3 key ingredients and the first is:-
1. ) Vary your communication to suit the needs of each horse!
It's a bit like deciding "do i phone my friend to talk this topic through?' "Do I email my thoughts to her or do I wait till I'm face to face with her?" Which will give me the best shot at avoiding misunderstandings?
Take my three horses. Grace does not respond to pressure or force. The more pressure and force you apply the more resistance she throws at you. Essy needs to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean and will spot any weakness in your point of view! He has a very strong sense of 'what is fair' and what is not and will let you know in an instant. Solar Sue will oblige providing it aligns with what she was planning to do anyway!
Regarding ingredient number 2....
When I would like to ride Grace I have a 50/50 chance that she agrees it's a good idea! On the days she doesn't feel like it she'll back up as I put one foot in the stirrup, go forwards or swing her hind end away from the mounting block. As I am only 5" 4 and she is 17.1/2 hh I don't have the leg length to mount from the floor so this 'dance' can go on for quite some time! On occasions I have given up (sometimes in tears).
With some reflection and with some renewed perspective, I see that such moments are there to remind me I have choices about how to respond. Ingredient number 2...
2. ) Chose your response!
To keep things simple, when Grace doesn't want me to mount her, and before the tears well up in me, and I feel all helpless I have two basic choices available to me (there may be more, but lets work with two for now):
Choice 1
Be firm! MAKE her stand still so I can mount
In other words dominate, use pressure, force, whatever it takes to get what i want. That is certainly one way of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, but is it communication? Is it both parties listening to each other, and hearing each other? For me the answer is no! It is ONE party over riding the others views. In my book that's the mark of a bully!
For some people that might be an acceptable communication style. For some horses it might be acceptable, especially if they are emotionally 'shut down'.
For me, its not acceptable with my horses. It certainly hasn't proved to be acceptable for Grace either as 2 of my 3 unplanned dismounts have been within seconds of me mounting her, against her (clearly expressed) wishes - if only I'd been listening to her, instead myself!
Choice 2
Listen and seek to understand, not be understood!
With Grace, this can mean taking however long it takes for us to find an understanding, to reach a level of true communication, so that I can mount.
The truth is that every time Grace moves away as I mount she's saying "I'm not ready to have you on my back". She is clearly communicating 'no thanks' or 'not now' or something along those lines. If I chose to show I'm listening to her, really listening then I'll be willing to not ride at all that day, take her and do something else and come back to try mounting again later, or vary the way in which I make my request, (ingredient number 1).
I like to also remember that there are consequences for pushing on with my message, and refusing to listen to my audience (Grace). As just mentioned, 2 of my 3 falls have been within seconds of mounting her when she made it very clear she wasn't 'ready'! What better example of consequence is there?
In terms of impact on me those falls have equated to an adverse impact financially (if I can't work), physically (i.e. pain) and emotionally (i.e. confidence loss), all in one misread communication!
That sure made me wake up to smell the roses!
Ingredient number 3:
3. ) Think through consequences and impacts of your communication!
If I persist in mounting there and then by using force and shoving Grace in the menage corner, or getting someone to hold her still so I can get on, I'm showing her that "I'M NOT LISTENING", "I DON'T UNDERSTAND " or " I don't want to understand her needs and feelings"
For sure choice number 2 is fraught with frustration - just as anytime when when we can't get our point across, at work or home, or can't get our own way.
I admit it won't necessarily produce quick results in the short term, compared to those how have more time in the saddle because they choose option 1 and 'made' it happen.
However, I believe that longer term the benefits of following choice number 2 (with Grace) are numerous: more trust, more mutual respect and more willingness to work as a team. Not to mention more personal safety!
Maybe ultimately that gets you to the same end goal as other riders have, just from a slower starting point. We shall see, and I'm certainly no expert in these matters, but I sense my horses are!
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| Reminds me of the Hare and the Tortoise story |
In summary, my 3 x C's for effective human and horse communication go like this:
Communicate differently with each horse you work with; respecting them as individuals
Choose your response, don't just react, to unsuccessful communication or frustration
Consider consequences and impacts of your communication so you pursue your point of view wisely
I have found myself many times, standing at the mounting block for half an hour waiting for Grace and I to be in sync and in agreement about me getting on, now, today.
I have gone home at the end of a long work day, in tears unable to mount my horse and unable to have my riding time, while everybody else seemingly is! (Pity party time)!
I have got in a right strop and stomped back to the stable to put Grace away in disgust showing no compassion and fueled by embarrassment and feelings of defeatism.
I now know, that in those moments I need to STOP! I need to assess the situation and THINK about what I do next, and NOT what I want?
I have learned NOT to be driven by my watch, my "I only have 40 minutes before I have to go" excuses that justify me making a bad choice of how to communicate.
I have learned that being safe, and being smart and preserving the relationship is far better than a 30 minute ride, wondering with every stride, at what moment she's 'going to let me have it as payback for choosing option 1 above!!
Payback from a 17.1hh warm blood with attitude has resulted in me being in A&E and whatever 'urgent' appointment I had that made me chose unwisely - was missed anyway! Big picture not little picture is the name of the game and one well worth remembering, in my experience.
