Essy's Wishes : Denial

Showing posts with label Denial. Show all posts

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Our Quest for Convenience

Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up.

Donald Rumsfeld

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/convenience.html#OUtPkxyhmtGcE3LK.99

Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up.

Donald Rumsfeld

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/convenience.html#OUtPkxyhmtGcE3L

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments

of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and convenience"

- Martin Luther King

My years living in Texas taught me many times over that my American friends live for convenience. I must confess that it can be very appealing, until you stop to question why! Only when we question what we do, and why, can we see that convenience might cause us to deceive ourselves.

Convenience means, "the state of being able to proceed with something without difficulty".

This quest for convenience used to show up on a daily basis in my coaching work with people who would ask me what " 4 step Model" I use to change a person? Or, wanting to know exactly how long it would take to change the habit of a lifetime! You see where I'm going with this...? Convenience can quickly start to become a substitute for taking personal accountability. So what starts out as a desire to make life easier for ourselves, can rapidly lead us down a path of less convenience and irrelevance!

I've often found myself wondering where this lust for convenience comes from and if it doesn't take some of the joy out of living life, with all its ups, downs and quirks along the way?

How do we learn without taking the wrong turn now and then? How will we problem solve complexity if we only relate to simplicity? How will we handle environmental change, diverse relationships, new technologies and inter species co-habitation, if it doesn't come with a 3 step 'How To' Guide?

Today, for some reason, I found myself having an imaginary conversation with an imaginary non horsey person (both roles being played by me) - maybe I was feeling a little bored!!!

The conversation went like this...

Me 1 to Me 2: "Why do we put horses in stables?"

Me 2 to Me 1:       "So they are clean when we want to ride them?"

Me 1 to Me 2:        "Ok. So why do we put them in stables for hours - all day or all night?"

Me 2 to Me 1:        "Um,...so they are ready for us to ride them when we need to??"

(I started to sound a bit wobbly already....)

Me 1 to Me 2: "So, in the middle of the night you may need to ride?..."

Me 2 to Me 1: "Of course not, its just that we might need to ride early in the morning"

Me 1 to Me 2:        "And that's a problem why?"

Me 2 to Me1:         "They might be dirty and muddy if they aren't already in"

Me 1 to Me 2 : "And that's a problem why"

Me 2 to Me 1:    "We may lack time in the morning to clean them"

Me 1 to Me 2:       "What even in the summer?"

Me 2 to Me 1:       "Ok usually not in the summer"

Me 1to Me 2:        "And what about horses that aren't being ridden (for whatever reason)?"

(Now I was stuck and the truth alighted like a Phoenix from the flames....)

Me 2 to Me 1 with exasperation: "Look, its just easier for us!"

Its funny how hard it is to be rational about why we do some things with our horses. In this example the horses needs are where? Yep - nowhere! It's all about us! When people ask me for a 4 step Model to follow it becomes all about the model or process, not about them! We use convenience to mask accountability. We use it as a deflection from thinking through things for ourselves.

As prey animals I guess this makes some sense. As egotistical beings it figures too. The problem is do we want to be egotistical and behave as primitively as a prey animal when we believe our selves to be so much more? Problem is we can't have our cake and eat it so which do we want? Who are we?

When habits, conventions and norms are in place it can be hard to shake ourselves free of them.

The logical retort to the convenience argument about why we stable our horse, (for what can be unhealthy periods of time) is that if we had a mucky horse on our hands is it really the end of the world? I could make a case to say you've got more time on your hands because he/she isn't stabled all day or night, so why worry?

Think of all the time we would save by not mucking out, sweeping our stables, emptying and filling hay nets or hay bars, water buckets, wiping stable walls down, re-sealing rubber mats. Less time spent ordering bedding, helping unload it when it arrives and arranging the muck heap man to come and remove it once it's dirty. Not to mention time saved not sweeping up around the muck heap and poo stacking in the muck heap, to get as much in as we can, in one load.

I guess poo picking time in the field, could increase, unless the horses are in a big enough field that harrowing fixes that problem!

If our argument is we 'don't like getting our hands dirty' grooming a dusty, muddy horse - my advise is to find a new hobby/profession. A life outdoors, with animals will always entail a fair amount of muck!

So, all things considered, a few minutes longer spent grooming - what is after all supposed to be a 'get to know my horse' experience, is hardly the biggest threat imaginable to man's quest for convenience.

Don Rumsfeld once said...

"Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up"

...I think he may have been onto something!

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Monday, 30 September 2013

MIRROR MIRROR ...whose in the shadow on the wall?

They say the 3 greatest mysteries of the world are ...

air to birds
water to fish, and
man unto himself!

We spend years in denial about WHO we are; mega bucks trying to look like someone ELSE; get counselling, life coaching or re-birthing to rid ourselves of the person others said we SHOULD be - so it's no wonder we struggle to know whose staring back at us when we look in the mirror!

Then along comes some smart Alec and announces that your horse is a mirror of yourself! Initially you nod in agreement then later on you stop to think about what that actually means.

We use mirrors to take a good hard look at what we present to the world and what others see when they look at us. This is not to be confused with us knowing ourselves well, or revealing ourselves fully, to those around us. What stops us getting close to ourselves or letting others in? Usually self protection and a dose of long standing habit. Hence our often defensive reaction when someone criticizes us for something we said, did or how we came across.

We wear masks at work, hide behind our ego at home, hate being judged and live in fear of feedback. Most of us are afraid we will hear what we fear most - whatever that is. In the words of Debbie Ford this is denial at work:

D = Don't

E = Even

N = Notice

I = I

A = AM

L = Lying

... where the lie is to ourselves! Feedback only hurts when it hits the spot - a spot that we've been deceiving ourselves about - often for a long time!

When working with clients I'll start by asking them to describe their horse in 5 words or less - often the words they use then crop up again later in conversation as they discuss things about themselves they wish to change. I had a client recently tell me his horse was 'arrogant' and 'domineering'. Turns out he wanted to work on a key relationship in his life with his son who was resisting doing as the father asked or suggested. As we talked it became very clear the father was righteous, opinionated and had an answer (or excuse) for everything; much like his horse!

"When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear"

I'm suggesting that our horses presence in our lives works in a similar way to the teacher appearing when the pupil is ready i.e. they will be our greatest teacher if we are willing to listen, look deep and learn from them. Maybe horses mirror and reflect our personality, or maybe they reflect the journey we are on in our growth. Perhaps both.

Grace has been teaching me for some months now the importance of being assertive, and the skill of clear communication; meaning what I say and saying what I mean. Solar Sue is teaching me the value of never giving up, accepting where you're at today, and Essy is teaching me the joy of having a renewed purpose.

As we begin the process of self discovery we start to notice more looking back at us from the mirror. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, the more we work on ourselves the more details come to light. Our growth and awareness is always in reach but like a shadow it is just out of grasp!

So many of us live with anger but deny it preferring to label it as 'frustration' or, we suppress our desire to fight and scream behind passive-aggressive sarcasm or silence. Others pick up on this pent up anger or silent communication as both speak volumes, even when we continue to deny it.

Next time you are out with your horse on a sunny day, have a "Peter Pan" moment and take a photo of yourself and your shadow.

Peter's shadow would break away and lure children back to Never land. What's your shadow's purpose? Where is your growth dragging you, screaming and kicking? What experiences and beliefs from your past are still tagging along for the ride today (welcome or otherwise)? How could you 'cut your shadow free' and follow a new path? What path would you take? Who (if anyone) acts as your 'Wendy' trapping your shadow in a draw ready to re-attach it to you to keep you from escape? Could you break free if you saw it just as a shadow?

Solar, Me & My Shadow August 2013

As a coach it helps to bring humour into the conversation as the tears fall, our defences give way and the person in-front of you begins to be revealed. Growth isn't something to be feared. Coming to terms with your shadow is just a way of remembering youre past and how much of it we carry with us today, for better or worse. It helps us to remember and re-connect with who we really are. Only you should decide who that person is. If our horses can help us to do that we'll owe them a lot.

Maybe our horses are the ones who can really see us for who we are!

Do we recognise that and see them in return, for who they really are? One thing is for sure; horses (unlike us) have no problem it seems looking in a mirror at themselves and no fear of what or who they see looking back at them.... All of my horses seem to find it fascinating. Imagine how liberating it would be if grown ups found the same pleasure and delight in such a simple act, instead of looking with eyes of comparison, scorn and criticism.

We have a lot to learn from our horses if we are willing, and a lot to like!