How To ... Be Loving to Our Horses!

What does 'being loving' to our horse mean? 

What does it look like? How do we do it?  How would a horse answer?

I'm defining love as a feeling, and 'being loving' as the way we act, which should then have the result of making others feel loved. So what does being loving (human to human) look like? Before considering our ability to be loving towards horses, who are you loving towards in your life, are they loving back to you? 

Top Tip: 

List out the people in your life you believe you are being loving towards 

and then list out who is loving, towards you.

Most of us want to believe that friends, family, spouse are loving towards us and vice versa, but often we don't stop to check.  The truth, when we examine it can be quite different.  Here is a list of loving actions to compare your own behaviour against, as well as those of others.

1. Giving: love, time, tenderness, understanding, patience, support etc. Giving because you want to, not to get something in return. Giving because it makes the person you love feel good.

2. Responding to another's needs: Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. To be understood, to feel safe, to be communicated with, to be cared for.

3. Respecting: Another's emotional nature. Treating anothers feelings as if they are as important as your own - because they are. Caring enough to understand and relate to what that person is feeling, not just thinking.

4. Knowing: A person's vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional needs to help you understand and respond to him/her.  See life through their eyes, their emotions and their needs.

5. Committing: To another, to his or her welfare and happiness. Committing in a way that engenders trust.  Being there for them no matter what.

6. Having Humility: To know that a person can be more, learn more and grow more without judging.  Seeing his/her beauty, goodness, potential and lovability no matter what

7. Caring: In your actions, communication, and thoughts.  Demonstrating you care so that the other person knows you care. Being considerate.

How well do the people in your life demonstrate the above list towards you?  Do you give it back? 

Re-read the list again, this time considering how much of it applies to a horse?  Almost all of it could be coming straight from the horse's mouth as their definition of how to be loving.

In our human to human relationships this list can be a tough one to match up to so its no wonder that being loving towards another species such as a horse may not be as easy as first thought, given we can't get it right with our own species!

I wonder if an absence of loving relationships is in part the reason why so many of us are drawn to horses (or other animals) in the first place, looking for a substitute for what's missing in our own lives?  (That's for another day)!

It always shocks me how suddenly horse owners can lose their temper with their horse and lash out verbally, or physically. In my book this is the exact opposite of being loving and certainly destroys trust. I'm sure we don't want to behave like this but were unable to deal with our anger and chose a different response. Why can't we be compassionate and more loving in our responses? 

Top Tip:

Count how often you lose your temper in a typical day? 
 

Do you even notice it happening?

The answer usually lies in our past.  Our early experiences will keep playing out in our current life. As an example in my early life I experienced a lot of bullying and I spent many years being intimidated by those bigger, older or more senior to me, even those supposed to 'love' me.  As an adult most of my bosses in a 27 year career have been physical or emotional bullies. Bullying was a familiar way of life by the time I was 7 years old and as such it set the tone for the rest of my life.
 
So if a horse I am with behaves in a challenging or domineering way it's easy to see I could quickly interpret that as 'bullying' me.  If that hasn't been a pleasant life experience then my range of responses will be limited and emotionally highly charged.  I may 'step up' my demands on the horse as I try to fight back!  Rarely a helpful strategy with horses. So back to the question of how loving are we being to our horses? 

As far as I know horses naturally don't choose to put themselves on the end of a length of rope and go round in repetitive circles. They weren't born hoping to have a 10 stone human on their back for 20 years. So when and if they throw their 'toys out of the pram' surely it is a test of our understanding, compassion and ability to be loving - rather than a test of our horsemanship skills or 'fighting attitude'.  Of course for decades the language of  horsemanship has revolved around fighting talk in words such as submission, repression, breaking the spirit of a horse, dominate and punish. It's  certainly not the language of love!

Top Tip: 

Notice the words you use to describe your horse's action/behaviour.

What does it tell you about the patterns you notice most readily around you?

Why are these patterns in your life?

In order to be more loving to our horses, wouldn't it be great if we could ask them what they need? Margrit Coates offers some guidance in her book "Horses Talking" suggesting the list below is a horse's 'wish list' of needs. 

To receive ...

Patience, kindness, integrity and plenty of horse knowledge

Empathic, loving teaching (training)

Understanding that they hurt (emotionally) just as we humans

Many hours of free time, outside in a paddock 365 days a year

Social and play time with other equines

Tack and a saddle that is properly fitted

A rider who doesn't expect me to be perfect

Freedom to make some choices in life

Permission to express my personality and individuality

Enough to drink and eat, with herbs and forage

Healing hands that touch me

Love and to share my love

Peace

Putting all this together means horses and humans need the same things - except for the herbs, forage and saddle! 

If we want to develop our loving relationships then acting in accordance with these two lists will put us in good shape!  

Top Tip:

How well do you score using either list of loving actions and needs? 

Notice where you excel and where you fall short?  

None of us should try to be perfect but everyone can learn more about ourselves and those we interact with.  The more we can be loving to other beings the more that 'loving experience' will grow back and return to us, ten fold. That's got to be worth a try!

How To Be Without an Agenda!

I want to explore further this concept of being with Essy without having an agenda. It was one of his important messages to me and to all humans who interact with horses. 

On first thought an agenda to me means two things; needing to get certain stuff done and in a set time.  The most obvious frame of reference for me is my 27 years working in Corporate Life.

Intuitively I understand that being without an agenda around horses is linked to being present. But I don't yet know how to do it! 

My journey towards 'being and presence' starts with 'time'.  Time is a  man-made concept which works against us and locks us out of being present much like a pair of handcuffs restricts our movement.  When we focus on time 'what' becomes more important than 'why not'.  Time is after all an illusion - once upon a time it didn't exist it wasn't invented. 

There have been days with Essy 'post Margrit's' visit when I've found myself arriving with the usual list of 'to do's' - grooming, hand grazing, herb self selection, feet care, clean his grooming brushes, wash his rugs etc.  Having three horses the daily 'agenda' can get pretty full in a hurry!

The key seems to be to learn how to quit focusing solely on the 'what' must be done, even if we still have to be aware of time in order to be home by 8pm. 

Post Margrit's visit I have caught myself sometimes thinking " I don't have to groom today"  especially if he doesn't seem keen.  These moments feel good.  Refreshing; liberating.  Instead I've asked Essy "what would you like to do?"  The result has been agenda abandoned, and  we've mooched around the yard together, socialising with other horses over the hay barrow, nibbling on grass verges, or smelling essential oils. It's been fun, relaxing and above all easy.

My 3 Tips for letting go of the Agenda:-

Step 1: Remind yourself you have a choice and don't have to DO stuff!

Step 2: Ask your horse (or yourself)  "what would you like to do"

Step 3: Open the stable door and see where you both end up!...

...We found ourselves sharing the hay barrow with a friend!

     As Eckhart Tolle wrote in 'The Power of Now'  "the enlightened person's main
 focus of attention is always the Now, but they are still peripherally aware of time".

I appreciate that Essy is 21 years old and no longer in the zone of working towards competitions, or a level of fitness required to compete in a discipline.  After a busy career of polo, endurance racing and dressage he will welcome a 'slow down'  but can I?  After all our horses are not the ones with the agendas, it's us!

I'm early in my discovery phase but so far I believe even horse and riders competing can benefit when switching to a 'less is more' approach!

Will letting go of agendas benefit your relationship with your horse?  If you answer 'no' to any or all of these, then the answer is yes!

1. Can you easily and with quality of attention, focus on whatever you are doing right now at the exclusion of other distractions? 

2. Do you tend to focus on the goal versus the next step along the way?

3. Does your mental energy go into trying to 'make things' happen instead of accepting where you are or what comes along?

4. Can you stop, enjoy the moment, or do most days pass by in a blur?

5. Does spending time with your horse re-energise you or leave you exhausted?

A testimonial to doing less and watching more with your horse:-  

A friend said only last week about her horse who has been on box rest for 6 months after an injury...

"Ive learnt more about my horse the last few months than in the 8 years prior that we've been together".

Even the obvious - isn't always clear!

When Essy started to lick Margrit's hands at the end of his healing with her, it was a huge emotional moment for me.  It was such a shock to see him licking her hands and with such gusto that I assumed it was a relaxation response to the healing, or maybe even a sign of affection towards her.  Much like a dog licks our face.

It is only now some weeks later, having caught back up with Margrit and seen her recent article (see link below), that Ive had my eyes opened yet again!

Essy was Margrit's first animal consultation since she had an operation on her hand. Bandages had recently been removed and she was undergoing physio.  As her article explains Essy sensed the pain in her hand and the licking was his way of adding to her healing process.  "You scratch my back and ill scratch yours" kind of a thing!

Isn't it wonderful to think that horses and humans can be so in tune and so loving towards each other - without force or training?  I can't help but wonder what else awaits us in our relationship with our horses?  How else could it be? The possibilities seem endless if we just keep our minds open and avoid reaching hasty conclusions based on our current mind set and myths.  My hasty conclusion about his licking being a response to the healing has had me offering my hands daily to him in the hope he would lick me too.  Perhaps if I injure myself i the future he'll lick me too.  Until then I have no need to feel disappointed or left out.  Thank you Essy and Margrit. 

http://www.joomag.com/magazine/international-lifestyle-magazine-issue-45/0781124001363114766

(Margrit's article starts on page 20)

Connecting With Horses - A one day course

Thursday March 14th  I joined 9 other men and women all keen to work with Margrit Coates for the day.  The subject of our gathering was 'connecting with horses'.

The day started without the usual fanfare of introductions and sharing objectives for being there.  Our first task was to write down our achievements and qualifications with horses.  Facing a blank piece of paper, and the memory of 38 years of my life with horses, I was unfathomably still.  Nothing came to mind.  Images of rosettes; horse exams passed; courses attended; ridden, in hand and natural horsemanship lessons;  falling off and re-mounting - all seemed inconsequential.  

The only things I could come up with included seeing my horses every day and following my instincts when I'm around them.  Glancing around the room others were deep in thought too.

Lists completed, Margrit removed (with our permission) our lists saying that what we'd written was not 'who we are' as people.  Removing the lists symbolised leaving our old known selves behind opening up a new space of possibility for the day, a space in which we could experience the horses, each other and ourselves.

In conversation we discussed a number of problems facing horse and human partnerships today including a lack of inner stillness which disconnects us from our horses. Instead of being still our minds are 'full' of stuff; to do's; and old thoughts (memories) playing out through today's emotions.  Busy minds rarely stop to think about who we are and find it even harder to ponder who our horses are!

Can we really get to know our horse when we hide from ourselves? Today would be an opportunity to be ourselves either for the first time or for the first time, in a long time! We would have time to observe the horses and to listen with our heart, soul and intuition.

Early on we entered the indoor school as a group to join four horses, at liberty. Our task was to observe. It was a perfect lesson in tuning into energy, observing collective behaviour and how two groups size each other up like street gangs without a shared vocabulary to communicate with.

The more we watched, the more the horses just looked back at us. Some of us got headaches, others sensed changes in energy.  Horses were curious and inquisitive about us, and some stayed close to the herd.  They all had choice. Intermittently they grouped silently together around the gate, or around a strip of sunlight pouring through a gap in the wall.  After about 25 minutes horses and humans stood together as one combined herd. The sun poured in. The school filled with silence.  In the stillness we had found a common language.  Everyone was moved.

During the afternoon we worked one on one with a horse or horses of our choice, all of whom were at liberty in 25 acres of pasture.  We focused on tuning into their 'voice' and to listen for feedback. Everyone participated with eagerness and gentleness - keen to learn from the experience. That is until our egos arrived and gave us cause to doubt the validity of what we heard. It seems that unless we are analysing and interpreting out thoughts and senses - we don't believe it's real.  In this 'state' our minds will surely never expand or experience the bliss a deep connection has to offer.  Easy to say but not easy to master!

What did I learn from the day? That wisdom rarely comes from our thoughts, instead the deep connection we seek comes from simple acts of giving someone/thing your full attention in the present moment. To not define life by believing in just our thoughts but to move beyond thoughts by doing less!  

It was strange to have spent a day 'doing' relatively very little yet be left feeling utterly exhausted at the end of it!  The gift Margrit gave us was not about teachings or parables but about nature and the source of knowledge it has to offer us.  Horses were our teachers that day - naturals at being themselves something we humans find so hard to do and perhaps even forget to aspire to be.

Thank you to the Horses, to Poppy the Shetland pony, to Jody and Lead Change, to Margrit and to everyone who made the day welcoming and warm.  Below are sketches of the voices and energy sources I experienced - primitive I know but I'm knew to this so be kind!

What do Horses Want?

I'm not sure many of us stop to consider this question from the view point of the horse.  I have been guilty of asking 'what can I give' my horses, but not what do they actually need?

If we stop to think about it from the horse's perspective then just using common sense alone, it is unlikely we would come up with needs such as; being ridden and competed, being stabled for hours, being driven around in motorized 'cupboards', turned out alone or spending many stabled hours without access to food and mobility.

There are horses who serve Queen and Country for their lifetime who have even less: who are stalled 24 hours a day with their head tied to a brick wall, standing on concrete, approached always from behind and unable to turn or lie down. To think we are a nation sympathetic to our animals and their welfare is at times nothing short of a big fat lie.

Sadly, much of what we offer our horses falls short of what they would wish for themselves.  If you don't believe this just ask a non-horsey person what they suppose a horse would enjoy as a lifestyle!

Now is the time to be honest about the way we keep our horses - if not now then when? To help us, Essy spelled out what horses everywhere need:-

Essy's direction to help humans give horses more of what they want... 

1. Important Relationships: People should understand the important relationship foals have with their mares and other horses and stop interfering with it and cutting important relationships short

2. Healing touch is peace: Humans have a gap in their awareness of understanding horses. People aren't listening: People need to move away from agendas with their horses, to listen instead. Listening is reality: peace is reality

3. Horses see the future: Horses know what it is people do, think and feel. There are no secrets.

4. Horses want to be free: Free from slavery, from over work, from the wrong sort of work, from being without their friends, free from pain, domination, and bullying

5. Partnership: Horses will be our partners but in a different way with equality and respect not systems and methods

So now the hard part is done, the question remains "are we listening"?  Will we honour these requests now that we have them?  Do we know how to let go of our own equestrian agendas to become more of the loving guardian that sleeps inside?   Who will support us? Institutes steeped in old fashioned myths about 'how to keep horses' seem to be the most deaf.  Leaving us to question can ordinary horse folk wake up a consciousness in others that is based on common sense and empathy versus qualifications and exam passing?

In our important human to human relationships most of us don't ask often enough "what do you need?" from one another.  Imagine the sense of responsibility if we did!  Worse yet is the breach of trust that would be felt if we didn't at least try to deliver it when we did ask. 

At the end of the day, If it's a hard message to hear isn't it better to hear it sooner versus later when we still have a chance  to do something about it now, and change the myths for the future?

My new mindset, now that Ive 'heard' is to do everything I can to be sure that when I retire from my years of being with horses I'll have no regrets and will have helped others to feel the same way!

(Find out more about Essy's wishes on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGSRDSFvjGM&list=PLuWEKuyqZzRzej4ACWTe489ivCdoVY3Jh&index=8)

If A Horse Could Hug A Human...

Since Essy's meeting with Margrit my mind is full of  questions; what does the touch of a human hand feel like to a horse?

I would like to know exactly how would Essy like to be touched?  How does any horse or domestic pet wish us to do this? Softly? Firmly? Is it even necessary to touch at all?

What must it feel like to be touched (as an animal), by a human?  Does the sensation differ depending on who is doing the touching?  What impact does our mood have?  Does touch calm and reward the horse, dog or cat?  We know the healing power on humans of touching pets (as used in care homes and hospitals) but does it have the same affect in return?

I have been exploring the notion of touch since attending an Aikido course in December 2012,  with Mark Rashid.  Mark has been practising Aikido for over 20 years and has discovered that some of the principles and ethos of this martial art align with his ideals about good horsemanship.  The purpose of the 3 day workshop was to give us a flavour of Aikido so that it might help to improve our horsemanship skills.

It was evident during the workshop that although Mark enjoyed my stream of questions, he had found in me a person with a long journey ahead of her when it came to understanding 'softness'.  Most of what I do in daily life is at speed, with purpose, intention and against the clock!  None of which I'm feeling proud of as I write.

To help the group discover more about our own sense of "feel" and understanding of "energy" (both so closely associated with the language of the horse) he had us work in two's practising a number of physical movements.  Each movement was focused on trying to influence the position and location of our partner.   With time we learnt to refine our 'ask' until finally it seemed we were influencing movement by simply thought alone!

We left that weekend emotionally stretched, drained and stimulated by the realisation of how much could be achieved through softness versus strength. It was inspiring to consider how easy it might be to influence the movement of our horses now,  knowing how superior their sense of awareness to softness and energy already is!

When it comes to 'how much touch' is the right amount for our horses?  I am sensing that most of the time, we are metaphorically whacking our loved ones with a thunder bolt of energy due to our lack of conscious softness, to an animal already highly sensitised to feel the smallest fly land on its back.

Another case of 'less is more'!

Essy has never been a  fan of getting 'up close and personal' to people. He does not enjoy being groomed and has no idea how to groom another horse.  He easily takes offense at any heavy handedness in his handling by people and is generally head shy.  Watching him in the clip below, move voluntarily closer to Margrit, in an act that resembled a 'mind melt',  is a precious reminder that when really connecting with our horses - touch may be spoken and thought, not even physical at all...

 

Behaviour Is Communication

Less than 24 hours after I pondered over human ability to 'talk to the animals' aka Dr Dolittle I sat down to began to transcribe back Essy's conversation with Margrit that took place on February 10th.  In my blog about Dr Dollittle  I had reflected how pleased with myself I felt that Essy's back leg kicking had been correctly interpreted by myself as tail tension.  Perhaps that interpretation still holds true but now I have an alternative to consider.  Having just began to transcribe the February 10th meeting with Margrit, I have humbly been reminded that animal communication is NOT about me! Let me explain...

Until yesterday I had felt deeply frustrated at not being able to get the simple activity of transcribing the video of Margrit's visit completed sooner.  The delay in part was because I wanted to be in the 'right mental place' and strong mental state, and in part because I've been feeling uncharacteristically tired. I weep at an instant. My body feels heavy.  Ive been low in  physical energy - experiences that are all uncommon to me.  I've taken the first few days of my February holiday to detox my body, to re-nurish with healthy foods, to sleep when tired and to begin to unwind from what has been an unusually hectic start to the year.

Now I feel ready for the responsibility that I want to take so seriously of getting Essy's message out. So I sat down and began to watch the video and type.

As I watched and listened to Essy's story and his message to all horse lovers I laughed out loud hearing Margrit's words...

 

"There is something that he wants you to do that is branching out going forward.  It’s to do with horses. And personal development.  Its’ to shift consciousness. 

 He is showing me a picture of him turning round kicking out his back legs to kick you up the bum"

My earlier interpretation that his back leg kicking was in some way a source of physical pain and self induced relief now has an alternative meaning; he was reminding me to 'get a move on'! 

How blind and deaf does a person have to be to not get it!??  How hard is it to listen? 

Listening it seems is extremely difficult. We have two ears and once mouth but use them disproportionately finishing peoples sentences off for them etc.  We listen through filters of existing frames of reference seeking out what's familiar and rational. We take what we hear and generalise, distrort or even delete sections to fit how 'we see things'.  This makes listening pretty difficult.

Yet when it comes to listening to our horses (or other pets for that matter) we don't even have a common spoken language as a basis to start from.  So,where should we start?  What do we have in common?  Is it expressions?  A similar range of emotions?  Energy? Body language?  Since Essy's visit with Margrit these questions seem to have a renewed importance in my life. 

Now how amazing is this - as I've been typing a large exquisite Heron has just flown onto the deck of our ocean beach villa.  He has now been here for over 20 minutes, washing, drinking, preening. His feathers have flown into my face (another metaphorical slap to 'get on with it')!  Ive been able to sit just 3 feet from him.  It's such a thrill to be so close to such a beautiful wild bird who has chosen this day, this deck and this moment to appear infront of me.   Ive invited him to stay as long as he wishes and to return any time.  His presence fills me with confidence about the path I am pursuing in this blog.

Post Script:
 

5pm and the visiting Heron has just departed, having blessed us with his /her presence for the entire day.  Such an honour.

Today's other noteworthy experience was afternoon sea snorkeling when a 6 foot  long Marble Ray with 8 foot long tail swam right along side me just a few feet away.

What a day of gifts from the animal kingdom, I've never said 'thank you' so many times in one day.