Friends Come & Go...

... but Friendship lasts!

Essy and Solar Sue still sharing grass 16 years later!

I've been thinking a lot about friends and friendship over recent weeks.

As children, our ability to make friends forms an important part of growing up, of socialising, of learning how to share and get along with others.  It's about being accepted and accepting.

As teenagers it was important to know who your "Best Friend" was,  and for that best friend to reciprocate by claiming you as theirs!

Some children may have lived a more solitary life relying on make believe friends to fill a real void.  Others formed friendship with cuddly toys, blankets, 'our right or left thumb' and of course, the family pet.

I am resisting the urge to look up the dictionary definition of Friends or Friendship. My view is this:

FRIENDS...

• Friends can come and go; into your life and out again
• Friends can leave a mark on you and your life; or they may not.
• Friends may last a holiday or a lot longer
• Friends enjoy similar things to you.
• Friends share fun times, laughs and jokes
• Friends are found at school, clubs, work and in the local neighbourhood.
• Sometimes you marry a friend
• Often you later divorce.
• Siblings and parents can be good friends or bad,
• Friends may want something from you,
• They fill our Face book pages and Christmas card list.

 FRIENDSHIP...

• Friendship lasts and rarely fades
• Friendship strikes your heart, soul and subconscious.
• Friendship is based on common ground, shared values and compatible beliefs
• Friendship shares laughter, tears, joy and bereavement.
• Friendship appears in familiar surroundings and the unusual
• Friendship lasts when marriage vows fail.
• Friendship with parents is to be aspired.
• Friendship is a feeling,
• It is unconditional,
• It is painful to be without.

I like to enjoy and savour moments where your whole body can absorb the feelings of true friendship: be that walking in silence together: looking forward to texting each other later, finishing each others sentences or translating total 'gobbledygook into 'makes sense to me' logic!  Moments that go by either unspoken, or openly appreciated.  Moments that take you back to your childhood or project you into your old age.

Best of all are the moments where no-one notices you actually noticing friendship at all!

Quiet times savoured

Horses have an amazing ability to offer us lots of such moments, either with them alone, through their unconditional friendship, or with their carers and guardians who share the same space.

This last few weeks, I've enjoyed more and more the simple pleasures of grooming my horses outside, alongside my friend with her horse, like two kids after school, an image from my childhood re-imprinted indelibly and lovingly,  in my mind.

 

Essy through the Woods

Or,

Walking alongside our horses, down the country lanes, no tack, no gadgets, no pressure - just noticing what our horses notice; stopping for some hedgerow grazing, fascinated by neighbouring horses, meeting strangers keen to admire.

Most of our life is spent so busy in conversation, activity and planning, with everyone heading somewhere, fast!  Horses help us to stand still.

Nothing stands out more to me as a measure of friendship,  than taking pleasure in NOT doing anything much at all.  When two friends can share neither of you being in the lime light and instead start to experience life through the senses of your horse - it builds a bond so close its like wearing granddad's slippers or settling into your favourite arm chair!

Over the last decade Ive faced some of my own challenges around friendship, what it is and the downside of when it has to change shape.  I've faced up to telling my best friend that I would be moving 4000 miles away, leaving her and the joyous life we'd shared together in America.  Luckily our friendship has prevailed.

Close after this, I chose to address some big issues such as "did I enjoy spending time with my England based family, for no purpose other than to have a cup of tea and good old natter"?  I did not. So,  I chose to embark on a "come to Jesus" conversation with my overly mothering mother (aka The Old Woman) to let her know I needed a friend not a mum and what that meant to me.

Then, to close the loop I'd thrown myself voluntarily into, I entered into a friendship with my estranged father, putting some significant old ghosts to rest, and although he'll never be a father, to me - it's quite a turn around to have him in my life and as a friend.

Change can be a welcoming or uncomfortable place to dwell.

If suddenly the comfort of daily pleasures of friendship changes, and is lost, but is sacrificed for the greater good of our horses well being, or for a healthier adult relationship based on respect and equality, then I've learned to take comfort knowing I'm keeping good company living in the space between friends and friendship, even if I don't want the change to happen.

Lesley, Solar Sue, Old Woman, Essy