Follow the Leader!

Do you remember playing "Follow the Leader" as a child? ... 

It's a game where a leader or "head of the line" is chosen, then the children all line up behind the Leader. The leader then moves around and all the children have to mimic the leader's actions. Any players who fail to follow or do what the leader does are out of the game. The last person standing other than the leader is now the new leader.

Looking back I can't recall if I enjoyed the game or not.  Was I ever the leader?  If so,  how creative was I in leading my followers? Was I any good at following, and copying the leader?  What did I learn?  How important was this game as  part of my growing up?

What I do know, is that as adults we play this game all the time, often without realising.

At work, we learn to mirror and match the body language of those we need to impress, influence or emulate.  An entire industry exists around the Art of Leadership, learning it, being assesed in it and of course both Industry and the Military can't exist without it.

This lead and follow concept even seems to happen at home.  Not just in terms of men and women taking turns to play a lead role over things like managing finances, managing the kids, or picking out the new curtain fabric, but its such an engrained dance of 'two step' that we end up even looking alike!  

Research says married couples end up looking alike, taking on each others mannerisms and facial expressions.  Taken to another extreme you may have found yourself watching Crufts this week and thinking to yourself  'how alike many pets and humans' look.

It seems that within any normal day, we can spend time in either the "follow" mode or the "lead" mode, except when it comes to being with our horses.  When, I bet for most people, we revert to taking the "Lead" role.  Even if we consciously try to soften our leadership style believing it to be a 51:49 joint venture, ultimately WE assume the position of Leader.

Why, and is there an alternative?

Traditionally we are taught by others that most alternatives are fraught with  danger putting us in risk of  getting pushed over, trodden on, thrown, bitten, kicked, trampled etc,.   (Thank god horses don't work in our offices too or we'd never leave home)!

Parelli and 'Join Up'  have in many ways helped many people pave a way to safety when confronted with such overpowering risks.  Interestingly, when you re-examine these techniques  (all of which Ive experimented with), they still assume and are based on the fact that WE must take the leader role.

This got me thinking.... and so I now want to investigate what it might be like, to un-learn being the leader, and to play the game of " follow the leader" with my horses. I want to find out what happens when I follow them and their attention and whim,  without any pressure, agenda or purpose from me.

I want to find out what that's like for me now, as an adult.  What kind of experience will it be?  Can we live in harmony and safety?  What will my horse and I get out of it?  (Spoken like a true left brained, linear thinking human)!!!

Will I even be able to let go of the need for control?  First I'll have to have a clear picture in my head of what that alternative looks like and how i'll do it.

Intincts CAN let us down!

“For a human being, nothing comes naturally

We have to learn everything we do.”  

 

- Said Philip Pullman

This blog is about instincts.  Our instincts. A quote like the one above would normally be something I would disagree with, saying that our instinct comes naturally and doesn't have to be learned.  Although, I would agree that often we have to learn to connect with our instincts.

As a result, normally I would expect to find myself writing about the importance of not over thinking or censoring our instincts (or they cease to be instincts).  In almost all areas of human life (careers, relationships etc), our instincts usually serve us well when we tune in.

However, as I learn how to ride dressage with Grace, I am learning the importance of un-learning being in tune with my instincts.  How listening to my instincts often is NOT the right thing to do when in the saddle, and based on prior riding experience.

What are instincts anyway and is it singular or plural? Webster defines it as:

"a way of behaving, thinking, or feeling that is not learned" 

a

"natural desire or tendency that makes you want to act in a particular way"

When riding, our instincts (those natural tendencies)  are often not our best friend!  Nor the horses! Here's a couple of examples of what I mean...

My first dressage lesson just 3 weeks ago (captured in Ghandi inspired riding)  highlighted how 'hanging on the reins' doesn't EVER help to slow a horse like Grace down!  It just gives her something to grab hold of, lean into and speed on forward with! The reverse of what I actually want!

Whilst my brain says 'grab' and my body obliges forwards, I have to learn to sit back, and to NOT balance on the reins.

Think of how often when we ride we suddenly feel anxious, nervous or even afraid.  Maybe with good cause, perhaps our horse spooked or became nappy.  No one wants to fall off, so to have an emotional reaction and this is quite normal. The problem is that our thoughts and feelings shape our actions and behaviour - and become our future instinct brought to life at future events.  

If we lean forward taking our centre of gravity out of balance with the horse, giving him further reason to panic.  We grab the reins - holding him tight when he needs his head to look around.  We tense our body, which the horse feels, inevitably tightening the grip on our legs around our horse.  To most horses that would signal "run" and "go faster" feeling like a predator holding on tight!

So, the cycle becomes a self fulfilling one, transmitting to the horse lots of reason to be right to spook or run in the first place.

Think of the typical range of emotions we can experience any time we ride, it might include some of the following:

 
• confidence
• anger
• happy
• disappointed
• embarrassed
• relaxed 
• tense
• distracted
• unfocused
• indecisive
• afraid
• nervous
• anxious
• optimistic
• pessimistic
• overwhelmed
• confused
• stupid
• impatient
• exasperated
• surprised
• depressed
• negative
• hopeful

Each emotion (triggered by thoughts and feelings) creates a physiological reaction in our body.  Our horses pick up on any physiological state change, especially the really strong ones.  Each emotion has the potential to dramatically change the way we ride - our position, our breathing, our balance.  Some times we simply stop riding, other times we over-ride.  Many times we end up with no awareness of what we are doing until it is too late, or if we are lucky, a trainer or friend intervenes.

Getting angry with our horse and allowing that emotion to dictate what we do - kick, whip, shout,  punish, whatever is not the solution for a long term training experience.  We simply teach our horse how unkind, lacking in compassion and un-lady-like we can be!  That doesn't build trust and partnership.

When we decide to 'teach him/ her a lesson' or to "keep going till he/she 'gets it"  (examples of responding to instinct driven by anger, embarrassment etc) - we usually find our efforts misplaced.

As a simple reminder of how off beat we can be with our instincts, remember what happens when your horse steps on your foot!?  What do we do? Try to push the horse off  right?  And does it work? Not quickly, as his first instinct is to lean into that pressure.  Much as when we ride and lean on the reins. 

This leaves us 'sports coaches' in a complicated space: when to encourage riders to use their instincts and when to ignore them?  Bottom line is that a lot of what we do with our horses either is, or needs to be counter -intuitive!

The advise I was given three weeks ago by the super Mario is "if you don't get the result you want from your horse.... analyse why!  Breakdown what you thought, what you did with your body, hands, back, breath, legs etc. one by one -  then pick one aspect of your checklist and do it differently.  If that makes the positive difference you want, great!  If not, re-analyse and adjust something else"

I think the quote below captures the essence of what Mario is suggesting i.e. to 'stay curious' and guard against those riding habits that are born out of fear - which my grabbing the reins is absolutely all about!