Cumupense and Just Deserts!

When I was grewing up, I often heard the expression ...

"People will get their cumupense!"

It seems it applied especially for 'bad or mean people'.  I believed this saying to be some universal truth - full of mystical promise and latent power as if one day....the world would be fair!  I have yet to see that day dawn!

I re-lived a similar conversation Saturday morning from the airport, and so out of love and respect for a dear friend living a mirror life to my own, when it comes to figuring out how best to love our horses, this post is about the path least trodden and how at times it is bloody unfair but to continue going forward is sometimes the only option, given where we are!

My message can be summed up (for those short of time to read the post in full), as:

"Stay aware of your journey of discovery"

"Seek experiences that test and strengthen your identity"

  

- Lorraine Hansberry an African American playwright and author in: To be Young, Gifted and Black

....and don't expect it to be  smiles and sunshine all the way; it isn't!

- Debbie Percy

I don't believe my friend, myself, or others carving out a unique path in our learning about horse care are doing it to be right, or righteous.  We are on a path we can't avoid or dismount from.   Map making is a fine age old profession but by definition it means there is no clear way ahead.  What awaits around the next corner can not be known in advance.  Anyone treading a unique path often alone tends to do so in other walks of life, beyond seeking out what's best for the care and understanding of horses.

Since 2000, I have been on my own often incredible voyage of personal discovery, entailing re-living hurt and fear, finding healing and living through confusion and doubt.  Uncovering ones life patterns of sabotage and denial, facing up to familial blackmail and miss-directed anger is no easy 'walk in the park.'  When accompanied by an absence of a support network it only serves to make the journey harder.

I had to learn that before I could come out the other side, I had to first experience something much more sinister for the human soul:-

“The thing that makes you exceptional is inevitably that which must also make you lonely.”

There is nothing exceptional or special about any of us and yet we are all special individually.

“Always remember you are absolutely unique - just like everyone else”

- Margaret Mead (Anthropologist)

I have come to believe that we are here to learn important life lessons, which we can only learn by setting up experiences that draw to us the very thing we need to learn about and often fear most.  Be that loss, abandonment, anger or shame etc.   

Some of us face those life lessons and begin to address them, usually from the age of 40 onwards or after suffering a personal loss or health trauma.  Others chose not to.  Neither is better or worse.  Both options are choices, at first at an unconscious level, then over time becoming more conscious (for those who decide to learn from them), as the volume increases and our attention is drawn to them ever so clearly.

As Malcolm X  the Black political activist once said: 

 "If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything"

As a 'stand' what can be better than exploring ones own personal life lessons to learn and grow by?  For many of us our horses are with us on that journey helping us find ourselves and be more of who we can become.

Malcom X's famous saying has my interest for a second reason (above and beyond it's first level of definition).  It reminds me of the importance of staying awake and alert in life.  To follow ones own sense of right and wrong, i.e. to find ones own way.  This entails tuning into our own sense of intuition and above all being discerning and evaluative.  Frequent readers will already know that for me this has meant turning away from everything BHS that I ever learned and finding new ways, more authentic to the nature and well being of horses, when caring for them.  As unpopular and 'bizarre' to others, as that might seem!

In pursuit of a 'stand' suggests I should not follow blindly (like a Lemming) behind the words or actions of some equine or lifestyle guru or fanatic, without careful study of their methods, their integrity and consistency of that integrity , over time.    Think about it - any human (except maybe the Dali Lama) can find integrity and consistency of integrity tough to deliver all of the time.  But shouldn't those of us in whose care our horses are trust, strive for nothing less before inflicting new methods upon our loved ones, willy nilly?

This post is not about blaspheming equine gurus, but suffice it to say, even the most 'natural' of horsemen and women have been filmed during clinics being anything but 'natural' or compassionate and loving towards the very horses that bring them fame, fortune and 'guru status'.  Keep asking yourself not when will they get their just deserts but why would I follow their way?

Watch this video link if you need proof of how much our species is in need of serious help and anger management especially those claiming to be 'natural' and relying on force and ropes and threats.  Decide for yourself what scares you the most - these occurrences or the people like you and me in the audience, who have paid money to be there and yet still they do nothing.  They say nothing.  The horse is no better off than an abused child - powerless and without anyone willing to stand up for his welfare.  Shocking and sickening.

For these clinics are the precise moments for each of us to TAKE A STAND and avoid falling for anything except what is in the bet interest of horses everywhere.

Or watch this video of another world famous, hugely rich natural horseman guru at work supposedly inspiring the masses with his enlightened sense of knowledge and compassion.  A case of "teacher heal thyself" not others!

When falling in line with someone else's views, ideals or ways, it can help to remember:

“Integrity is the essence of everything successful”

 - R.Buckminster Fuller (architect, engineer, author, inventor, and futurist)

At the moment I am being spoken to by a vet in a manner that suggests his opinion about right or wrong is very clear in his mind.  I'm sure he would like me to follow his 'way' scientifically speaking.  Essy was  diagnosed last week with an Ethmoid Hematoma deep in his head, next to his brain.  This has been causing the nose bleeds down one nostril.  Not an infected tooth as my vet first diagnosed (luckily my head contradicted him them and I cancelled that surgical nightmare purely on instinct).

Surgical removal of the Hematoma has been diagnosed as "extremely challenging" due to it's location.  They will have to open up his head like a pin cushion and even then they are certain the op WILL NOT be 100% successful.

When considering the other option of 'doing nothing' right now, and continue to monitor the situation (the veterinary term for which is  "Benign Neglect") doesn't sit easy with me, but it feels like the lesser of all evils (at the moment).

Whilst I am appearing to do nothing, I will be putting together a plan and reaching out to my support network for a range of ideas that could support both Essy and myself, while we continue to live life to the full.

I have not stopped to wonder what Essy or I have done to deserve this.  I am sure its full meaning will at some point present itself in the future.    For now, it has brought me face to face with the sheer panic of imagining life without such a fabulous friend in it day after day.  Rather than be full of recriminations, regret or sorrow (that was last week)  I am resolute to live each day with him to the full and breath his very being into deep beneath my skin.

I am not adopting a Pollyanna approach or expecting some miracle cure.  The truth is that we don't know with or without surgery how many more years together we have.  As a case in point; a neighbour's horse was 'given a death sentence over 7 years ago' and is still going strong!  Bravo Kingsley!

Cutting open a horse isn't an option for horses in the wild.  Do I want him to live forever? Yes, of course.  Can I even imagine life without him, or writing this blog without his physical presence to spur me on?  No!  However, I also can't yet sanction either for his noble head to be treated like a lump of  Swiss Cheese which may in part be more to the satisfaction of surgeons keen to test out their skills on a 'tricky case' than really help Essy's quality of life.

“Nothing is more terrible than activity without insight"

- Thomas Carlyle - essayist and historian

So, I have facts.  I have insight and awareness of possible side effects and I have choices (kind of).  I have a horse I adore and who I will do whatever is in my power to give him a happy, pain free life.  However, insight and good wishes alone aren't enough.  While I contemplate a 3 month moratorium of no surgical decision, I will create a plan.  A plan of holistic action, reiki, healing, anything I feel is more akin to the horses natural way of healing and mitigating side effects.

I am confused about which way to turn of course.  Fearing my choice will be one I regret.  But it has to be my decision.  I like others, facing sudden bouts of laminitis or worse, have to live for now, for doing the best we can for our horses and for our selves in the process.  I am confident Essy will communicate his wishes to me.  If some day, he has had enough, I will hear him.   Above all I believe that:

"What lies behind us and what lies in front of us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson - essayist, teacher and poet

Perhaps knowing what are my true beliefs and feeling the strength of them, and what lies inside me - is one of my life lessons to learn.  Perhaps yours too!

I agree, that at times life doesn't seem fair.  As well as facing loneliness and uncertainty and the weight of responsibility for anothers well being and even life; loving a horse is tough on the heart and on the soul.

In a conversation on Saturday morning a fellow kindred spirit and I discussed "why do bad things happen to good people/horses?"  There is no acceptable answer.  The answer lies in the belief (to complete the circle) that we are here to learn, to experience and to pass on what we know to others so that together we all grow.

I believe once we are on the path least trodden we can't get off it!   We can pause for a moment of course. But once you wake up to your own strong personal commitment to both setting things in motion and also not waiting for others to always give you a sense of direction, you'll always find yourself initiating!

To initiate (change or to be different) is to be proactive - it is an expression of our commitment and passion to improve the situation around us. It involves a level of self assurance and sense of direction that ultimately puts our own reputation on the line (in our own mind at least).  At its most basic, it’s our ability to turn reflection, information, analysis and discipline into a sharp instrument of active response, (remember being discerning and evaluative is important).  This might have a short or long term perspective but the essence is a bias towards making something of value happen.  No one wants a horses life, or pain to be in vain.  If nothing else, that much  I can grant Essy whenever the time is right.

As Daniel Libeskind - Architect said:

“Life it is not just a series of calculations and a sum total of statistics, 

it's about experience, it's about participation,

 it is something more complex and more interesting than what is obvious.”

To believe in Karma and people getting their cumupence - holds little value for me personally as an adult.  I know there is value in analysis by dissecting every failure and success not to apportion blame or credit, but to answer a simple question: 

“What can I learn from this?”

To stay on course (alone or otherwise) find, observe and connect  with others who have already mastered the skills you might need. What personal experiences will you need so as to become a master at it too? Then don't be surprised if your life is drawing to you those very experiences needed to gain the skill or perspective that you may need to learn and teach on to others.

Dust off any feelings of shame or fear, none of us are really alone in our journeys and by being on a journey we each become more powerful in the discovery of more of ourselves.

It seems we must be aware of what we desire -  and be specific in our expectations of life's experiences and opportunities as we might just receive what we want to learn, but not always in the shape or form we expected!