The Voice

I lost my voice on January 25th 2016.  Essy passed over.

I have been unable to write about it and for the most part I haven't been able to talk about it. 

Solar Sue, Essy and I had been a herd together for 19 years, It is unfathomable when one of you leaves, to conceive how those left behind will be able to move on. The route forwards was one day at a time and initially one hour at a time.

In loosing my own voice I stifled Essys.  This is my first blog posting since his passing. It is important that I give him his voice back and in so doing, open up the stage for other horses to be heard.

Why am I writing now?  Am I 'recovered' ? Has the sense of hurt and loss diminished?  Not for one second.  I am tearful every single day at not having his physical presence close by.  His cheeky ways, his love of putting our heads together and closing our eyes and being still; and his ability to make me roar with laughter.  He brought the Old Woman into my world of horses for the first time in 40 years.  How do you ever get to a place where you no longer miss that? How do you ever stop needing and wanting that?

It has been even more important than ever for me to listen to Solar Sue and Grace.  I knew I had to avoid trying to replace how Essy and I were together by copying or projecting it onto them.  The journey Essy kick started me on in 2010 has helped me discover so much about 'the horse' and how much they have to say to us,  and how individual they are.  Fortunately that continues through Solar and Grace and I cherish each relationship for it's uniqueness.

Our journey hasn't been documented by the BHS, you don't study or learn it  - it is a life experience and therefore is different for each of us.  Parenting is probably a similar journey.  Sure their are experts and guidelines and 'clubs' and help groups to join but none of them help you become present and put your ego to one side. None of them teach you 'non interference' as Wayne Dyer talked about.

Most significantly none of these learning methods encourage you to give your horse (or child) their voice, their true voice without desire to change them or have them conform to some generalised standard or expectation.

Fundamentally - a horse's voice is not given it is allowed.  

Their voice is accepted when it is offered, without judgement or criticism.  Unlike in the TV programme 'The Voice' if you allow your horse their voice there is no going back!  You don't get to vote if you like it or not.  You can't select to keep it or discard it.

Once your horse realises his/her voice is being heard, the connection and communication you have together is extraordinary.   You will have days where you think you have opened pandora's box as life changes to become much more of a 'joint discussion'.  Gone are the days where what you want; rules.  It's now teamwork every day in every way!  If your horse doesn't want to.... isn't willing to... isn't up to.... he or she will let you know but never in a way that harms you.  Those are the moments that will test if you really do want your horse to have a voice.  If you 'push on' and ignore him/her - there will be consequences.  Or, you can show you are listening, and that you understand the importance of choosing to be together from a place of willingness versus domination.

Listening to your horse is no different from consensual sex versus rape.

It really is that black and white when you allow a horse their voice.

To the BHS trained, traditional horse people it will sound like 'you are letting the horse have his way' and you will be criticised for not 'making your horse' do things you want.  When this happens and it will, I recommend you smile.  Take heart and comfort knowing that yes, they are right!  And... as a result of you not forcing your wishes upon your horse, or trying to know better than your horse, the friendship you and your horse will have goes far beyond the imagination of those 'informed people' and their over controlling fear based egos.

The voice of your horse is a gift.  It is there waiting to be heard.  All you have to do is step back, stop thinking, acting and demanding, and... observe!  Quietly observe, don't stop noticing, and learn!

A voice is a gift we all have - all of creations creatures

Essy was one of the best friend I ever had.  That doesn't change or decrease with his passing.  Grace and Solar are also my best friends.  My friendship with them is unique to each.

We are all blessed with this ability to forge deep friendships with more than one person or animal.  There is no limit to our capacity.  We have no need to compare our friendships or try to have carbon copy relationships.  Whether we need one best friend or several is not the point. If we allow ourselves to listen to others we will remember how to feel close again.  We will suddenly realise that once again life is moving on,  just as it should, and yes quieter some days but always we have that person or horses voice in our heads to accompany us and keep us company.

I thank Essy again, this time by leading the way in his passing earlier this year.  His earlier passing has helped me this week to be real with my own emotions and to have compassion for how others are feeling when faced with a sudden and unjust loss of a much loved husband, father, grandfather, friend and neighbour.

Every moment of their despair I've felt. I've had a strong and calm sense of when to act and when to step back and allow.  I've felt the ease that comes with releasing my own tears unashamedly and not trying to be strong or 'keep it together' for protocol our out of some old fashioned belief that that is how we help others when grieving.    I've known the speed with which regrets, self punishment and recrimination sets in and have acknowledged that feeling in others and encouraged them see it's not true. 

I may not have got it all right this week but there is no right.  There is just honesty.  Pure open honesty that comes from knowing your own heart and allowing your voice to express what is in your heart, so others can find theirs too, if they seek it.

At a time when my human family adjusts to our deep sadness and loss at losing a loved one I have had my friend Essy's voice in my head helping me move slowly forwards. 

Thank you wonderful boy!

With love to Celia and Susan, Ian, David, Emma and Mathew at our time of loss x