The Voice

I lost my voice on January 25th 2016.  Essy passed over.

I have been unable to write about it and for the most part I haven't been able to talk about it. 

Solar Sue, Essy and I had been a herd together for 19 years, It is unfathomable when one of you leaves, to conceive how those left behind will be able to move on. The route forwards was one day at a time and initially one hour at a time.

In loosing my own voice I stifled Essys.  This is my first blog posting since his passing. It is important that I give him his voice back and in so doing, open up the stage for other horses to be heard.

Why am I writing now?  Am I 'recovered' ? Has the sense of hurt and loss diminished?  Not for one second.  I am tearful every single day at not having his physical presence close by.  His cheeky ways, his love of putting our heads together and closing our eyes and being still; and his ability to make me roar with laughter.  He brought the Old Woman into my world of horses for the first time in 40 years.  How do you ever get to a place where you no longer miss that? How do you ever stop needing and wanting that?

It has been even more important than ever for me to listen to Solar Sue and Grace.  I knew I had to avoid trying to replace how Essy and I were together by copying or projecting it onto them.  The journey Essy kick started me on in 2010 has helped me discover so much about 'the horse' and how much they have to say to us,  and how individual they are.  Fortunately that continues through Solar and Grace and I cherish each relationship for it's uniqueness.

Our journey hasn't been documented by the BHS, you don't study or learn it  - it is a life experience and therefore is different for each of us.  Parenting is probably a similar journey.  Sure their are experts and guidelines and 'clubs' and help groups to join but none of them help you become present and put your ego to one side. None of them teach you 'non interference' as Wayne Dyer talked about.

Most significantly none of these learning methods encourage you to give your horse (or child) their voice, their true voice without desire to change them or have them conform to some generalised standard or expectation.

Fundamentally - a horse's voice is not given it is allowed.  

Their voice is accepted when it is offered, without judgement or criticism.  Unlike in the TV programme 'The Voice' if you allow your horse their voice there is no going back!  You don't get to vote if you like it or not.  You can't select to keep it or discard it.

Once your horse realises his/her voice is being heard, the connection and communication you have together is extraordinary.   You will have days where you think you have opened pandora's box as life changes to become much more of a 'joint discussion'.  Gone are the days where what you want; rules.  It's now teamwork every day in every way!  If your horse doesn't want to.... isn't willing to... isn't up to.... he or she will let you know but never in a way that harms you.  Those are the moments that will test if you really do want your horse to have a voice.  If you 'push on' and ignore him/her - there will be consequences.  Or, you can show you are listening, and that you understand the importance of choosing to be together from a place of willingness versus domination.

Listening to your horse is no different from consensual sex versus rape.

It really is that black and white when you allow a horse their voice.

To the BHS trained, traditional horse people it will sound like 'you are letting the horse have his way' and you will be criticised for not 'making your horse' do things you want.  When this happens and it will, I recommend you smile.  Take heart and comfort knowing that yes, they are right!  And... as a result of you not forcing your wishes upon your horse, or trying to know better than your horse, the friendship you and your horse will have goes far beyond the imagination of those 'informed people' and their over controlling fear based egos.

The voice of your horse is a gift.  It is there waiting to be heard.  All you have to do is step back, stop thinking, acting and demanding, and... observe!  Quietly observe, don't stop noticing, and learn!

A voice is a gift we all have - all of creations creatures

Essy was one of the best friend I ever had.  That doesn't change or decrease with his passing.  Grace and Solar are also my best friends.  My friendship with them is unique to each.

We are all blessed with this ability to forge deep friendships with more than one person or animal.  There is no limit to our capacity.  We have no need to compare our friendships or try to have carbon copy relationships.  Whether we need one best friend or several is not the point. If we allow ourselves to listen to others we will remember how to feel close again.  We will suddenly realise that once again life is moving on,  just as it should, and yes quieter some days but always we have that person or horses voice in our heads to accompany us and keep us company.

I thank Essy again, this time by leading the way in his passing earlier this year.  His earlier passing has helped me this week to be real with my own emotions and to have compassion for how others are feeling when faced with a sudden and unjust loss of a much loved husband, father, grandfather, friend and neighbour.

Every moment of their despair I've felt. I've had a strong and calm sense of when to act and when to step back and allow.  I've felt the ease that comes with releasing my own tears unashamedly and not trying to be strong or 'keep it together' for protocol our out of some old fashioned belief that that is how we help others when grieving.    I've known the speed with which regrets, self punishment and recrimination sets in and have acknowledged that feeling in others and encouraged them see it's not true. 

I may not have got it all right this week but there is no right.  There is just honesty.  Pure open honesty that comes from knowing your own heart and allowing your voice to express what is in your heart, so others can find theirs too, if they seek it.

At a time when my human family adjusts to our deep sadness and loss at losing a loved one I have had my friend Essy's voice in my head helping me move slowly forwards. 

Thank you wonderful boy!

With love to Celia and Susan, Ian, David, Emma and Mathew at our time of loss x

How to like yourself more...

Play Time and Tears!

I had a wonderful day hanging out with my three glorious horses.  Twice they raised me to tears just looking at them: such peace in their eyes.

I walked away with an immense feeling that my horses like being horses!  They like being who they are. That may sound a bit of a non event on most days but today it  really hit me that to like being who you are, must be such a gift.  I wonder how many of us can say we feel the same way?

Of course there have been moments in our life when we've felt pleased with ourselves at work for our contribution, at home for our friendship and support to friends or family.  But is that the same?  Does this mean we actually like being human and like being who we are - warts and all, day after day?  If we don't, what would we prefer to be? Until recently I hadn't considered being anything else (except wishing I could run on all fours alongside my new puppy)...

... how great would that feel?

Tonight at the yard a fellow livery and her hubby were doing what looked like 'play lunging' with their two horses.  From inside the barn I could hear their laughter - real belly laughter - and once outside I could see hooves, knees and legs all aloft - as the four of them shared some high jinks together.

What a contrast with another livery's words to me about how 'badly behaved' her old boy had been when he was turned out.  Apparently, once off the lead rope and lose in the field he would kick, buck, tear about and be "unruly".  I wanted to suggest maybe the horse was expressing himself in a moment of happiness and joy.  I sensed she didn't see it that way.

All around us there are people who are happy with themselves and we can see that through their relationship with their horses, if we know what to look for. Others are not so blessed.

It is said that by turning our attention inward to our self that we are able to experience a deeper connection with Life, with God, Nature and beyond.  And, as humans, every relationship we ever have with another exactly mirrors one or more aspects of the relationship we have with our self. 

So, can we learn to like ourselves? Can our horses teach us how? I hope so as Horses are so much closer to nature than we are with all our mod-cons and materialism. 

In his book Messages From Water -  Dr. Masaru Emoto shows the powerful effect that our thoughts and words have on us. In his research he attached written words to containers of water, such as “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “You fool!” Then he froze the water and took photos of the water crystals with a microscopic camera. In addition to using written words, he varied his experiments with thoughts, music and pictures.  This is one of my favourite books which I often take to seminars I'm delivering to help people think about the affect our thoughts have on us.

In every case when there was a positive energy used, whether it was a written word, a verbal statement, or a picture, the photos of the frozen crystals were exquisitely beautiful, as above.

On the other hand, in every case where the stimulus was negative, the crystals were small, misshapen and deformed! This so clearly demonstrates the effects of negativity when we bury ourselves under unkind thoughts, or beliefs about our body, mind, or abilities. 

If our bodies are about 60% water, imagine what happens to the part of us that is water when we are hit with lots of negativity. Whose to say it doesn't have the same debilitating effect on all parts of all our body cells. No wonder we struggle to feel good about who we are on an average day.

Add to this, the famous book, film and industry known as the Law of Attraction which warns us that when cells vibrate with negativity it draws towards us, more of the same.

These two pieces of work are relatively recent.  Not everyone has yet to come across them and their important messages.  Without them we are left floundering under a sea of pressure to be this way or that, taller, smarter, faster, thiner or just better.

So back to play time and tears....

The life of a horse isn't always 'a walk in the park'.  Looking at their 3 basic needs it's a wonder any show happiness to be alive, never mind as a horse.

Food & water: some horses have it, others have too much or insufficient. Many go without vital herbs or nutrients	Most of us can put food on our tables whenever we need it, enjoy lavish meals, detox, diet or fest, stick to the same diet or vary it up
Friendship: some horses spend a lifetime without same species relationships or contact. Family separation is a guarantee, often prematurely	We get to pick and choose our friends real, virtual, local or worldwide.  We also get to stay in touch or switch them out on demand
Freedom: some horses are locked up all day, many can’t pick and choose when they work or what job they do or when to retire	We can move around the Globe, be alone or with others, express ourselves, work for others or create our own work

Next time we notice happiness in a horses expression or stance, or in their love of being able to run about let's wonder why its so hard for us to feel pleased to be who we are when on the face of it, we have so much more.

Let's stop and remember that beyond the 3 x F's, all those other things we long for in life just alienate us further from our true selves, from nature and from a meaningful connection with both, leaving us strangers to ourselves amongst the paraphernalia of a modern existence.

It seems shallow to simply view the needs of a horse as simply the 3 x F's.  It seems unrealistic to compare our ability to like ourselves based on only that as criteria.  To look deeper can be difficult to get our heads around.  To keep it simple and practical here's my own list of the lessons our horses might be trying to pass on to us, to help us learn how to like ourselves!

* they don't judge themselves or others

* they don't seem to set goals and push themselves constantly 
* they live for today and in the moment of now

* they only hold a grudge (in the form of negative associations) with good reason usually fear based

* they probably don't generate negative or positive thoughts - just in the moment awareness

* they aren't likely to compare themselves with other horses abilities, size, shape or luck

* they know how to communicate with each other very effectively without misunderstandings

* arguments are resolved quickly

* they use their energy wisely and avoid being exhausted at the end of the day 

* they don't try to be something they aren't knowing when they are confident and capable or not

* they aren't fickle and don't flit between equine relationships (if allowed the choice)

* they reciprocate touch and scratching when offered 

* they don't appear to have a negative ego like humans and can let go of the need to control

* they don't play emotional games with one another

* they don't lie 

* they know how to have fun and try to do so when the mood grabs them

* they are patient and tolerant of other species

* they are communal by choice preferring to share their world not keep it for themselves

In summary horses appear to be great ambassadors for RESPONSIBILITY.  Not as we are taught at school and at home which manifests more like duty, burden, 'ought' and 'should'.  For horses responsibility simply means 'being able to respond'.  To what?  Their needs.  Moment by moment.  If they need to sleep they doze. If they need to run they run.  If they want to eat they eat.  etc.  The good news is that there is nothing stopping us (people) from having the same approach to our lives.  Most of us (if adult) are not in captivitiy, stabled, told what to do, or when to eat etc.  We are much more like the undomesticated, free roaming horse - able to respond to our needs moment by moment, if we would just give ourselves permission.  Be selfish!  A place of honest intent to be happy by fulfilling our needs which puts us in a better position to help others - human or horse.

I'm sure the list above isn't complete.  However, even as it stands it makes a compelling set of tips on 'how to live our lives in order to like ourselves more'.

With my horses help I will keep digging deeper to explore 'how to like myself more' - but for today this is where my awareness level is at so my musing will have to end for now.

F for Freedom

The more I journey into greater awareness of our Horse's needs the more I realise how asleep I've been, until now!

A horse has 3 vital needs:

1. freedom to roam, 
2. free access to forage (i.e. unlimited not inexpensive)!
3. friends (horses) to connect and contact with

So how similar our the needs of us humans to that of the horse?  In my opinion the answer seems to be VERY....

Looking first at "freedom", history offers many inspirational people and events to show us its importance...

 Emancipation of the Serfs

 Martin Luther King

 Emily Pankhurst

 Nelson Mandella

 Gay rights activists

Human history is peppered with bold and creative stories of individuals or groups striving to achieve freedom for self, or others. Our liberty extends beyond being a principle or need, it is a basic human right that appauls us if absent.

" Exemption from external control"

Freedom in the dictionary is defined as 'exemption from external control'.  In our daily lives this shows up in many ways - we have the freedom to roam and set up home where we chose, and with whom we chose; we are free to chose if we work, have freedom in how we dress, what we eat, how we exercise (if at all), what medical help we seek or accept; freedom of expression, and the freedom to  'find oneself'. 

How would you feel if you lost your freedom? Facing the potential loss of a driving license for many of us throws us into despair at the sense of imposed confinement and loss of choice. We hear on the TV of young girls forced into unhappy even abusive marriages, and we read of hostage taking or incarcerations in the name of Anti Terrorism.

In such circumstances how long would you want to keep 'giving your best'?  Would life seem rich in quality? Would you trust those around you? Would you fulfill your potential or have the resilience to carry on trying? 

The consequence to our human soul and spirit if we lose our freedom can be devastating.  Some of us wouldn't survive; giving up; our spirit broken. Perhaps this sounds familiar when horses spirits were deliberately broken in order that we could ride them.  In remembering the Horse's 3 needs we realise that they often don't have their first need: freedom. Sometimes they don't have it for the duration of their life!  So, why wouldn't the loss of such a fundamental need have an equally destructive effect on them, as it has upon us?

Consider the lifestyle of many horses today...

•  They are moved about the country, or world, with no say on where or when
• They are bought and sold with no say in by whom
• They have no control over a lifestyle spent indoors or outdoors 
• Are often kept isolated from contact with other horses
• Told when they can or can't run!
• Have a limited chance to self medicate and select natural remedies
• Exist without permission to self express; kick, leap, buck, rear, twist and turn whenever they want
•  Have no choice of 'mate' 
• No say in their quantity of offspring
• No enforced 'retirement' age
• Don't know that their schooling and education will one day be over

Are horses exempt from external control? Are they free to be happy?  Can they freely express who they are and be themselves? If not, how reasonable are we being species to species to expect them to trust us, reward us, partner with us, perform for us, obey us and succeed for us?

If the above list sounds exaggerated - that would be a good thing for our horses.  It's only when we take a moment to look at the life of our cherished friends using a self made list like the one above, that we can step back and address our horses' first need: that of freedom! Taking stock has got to be a good thing in the long run, its when we fail to stop and observe - that things can go from bad to worse in our own lives and perhaps for our horses too.

Ironically, many humans are drawn to horses because they represent freedom - images of the wind running through their manes and our hair.  Their freedom is an especially enticing one; being full of power, elegance, kindness and nobility.  Surely its time we returned back to them some of those characteristics and let them find more freedom in their daily lives with us.  Helping our horses experience their heritage might allow us to seek more ways to feel free in our lives.  Free from pressure, opression, duty, obligation, and the need to fulfill the expectations of others.

Essy expressed his desire to be free from ridden work and the saddle.  I've honoured that.  Instead we are forming a new partnership in hand and with walks around the Estate.  The benefits for me have been a sense of slowing down, relaxation and more time spent in nature with nature.

So far so good!

Simple Pleasures!

How can you tell if your horse is happy? 

This has to be one of two most important questions we ask ourselves if we keep, ride or care for horses.

Maybe Essy (and Solar Sue) can inspire us to remember the key lies often in simple pleasures life has to offer, that plays to a horse's natural strength i.e. self expression, fun and freedom -both actual and of spirit.

A Spring Bath certainly put a spring back into Essy's hooves (and Solar) - Essy is the one rearing and acting like a spring lamb!

Then a few weeks later a new paddock for turn out and much fun and running was had.

Rest assured no harm was done after Essy's little slip up! At his next massage his back felt better than ever!