My 3 Communication Ingredients

Are you receiving me loud and clear?

The purpose of communication and communicating is to be understood, right?  Meaning to get your message across AND in the way you INTENDED!  

When you think about that - just how easy is it to be accurately understood, just as you intended 100% of the time?  What about 50% of the time?  Truth is its hard to achieve some of the time, never mind all of the time!  So much  can go wrong, just think about how often we misread an email, text or what's app message, or have others misread ours!

Given that between human beings communication often results in us being misunderstood, mis-represented, not listened to, or not believed.... what can we do to increase our chances of getting our views and needs across accurately and consistently?

Studies carried out in the 1960's suggest that in order to effectively get our message across we need to use 3 ingredients, in unison:

words + tone of voice +  facial expressions ...

- they must all convey the same message at the same time!

Malhrabian Studies

So, if  you say the words "that sounds exciting" but you look bored and use a dull, flat tone of voice - chances are you wont convince anyone that you meant what you said!  The other person's response, (always the true test of if we have been understood as intended), is that we get a reaction that can be aggressive, hurt or out to kill us! 

"You're just saying that" or "You're not even listening to me" - etc etc.  Sound familiar?  

In reality it is hard to get all three ingredients together in the right quantity, at the right consistency and at the right time.

So turning to human and horse communication, how do we begin to communicate with them?  Is it more difficult or easy?  Are there 3 ingredients and if so are they the same?

I think communicating with horses entails:

Intention + Tone of Voice + Facial expressions + Breathing 

Plus a dose of good timing = the Communication Recipe!

My personal teacher about how to communicate with my own horses is of course the horses themselves! From them I have learned that in order to follow the above recipe you do in fact need 3 key ingredients and the first is:-

1. ) Vary your communication to suit the needs of each horse!

It's a bit like deciding "do i phone my friend to talk this topic through?'  "Do I email my thoughts to her or do I wait till I'm face to face with her?"  Which will give me the best shot at avoiding misunderstandings?

Take my three horses.  Grace does not respond to pressure or force.   The more pressure and force you apply the more resistance she throws at you.  Essy needs to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean and will spot any weakness in your point of view! He has a very strong sense of 'what is fair' and what is not and will let you know in an instant.  Solar Sue will oblige providing it aligns with what she was planning to do anyway!

Regarding ingredient number 2....

When I would like to ride Grace I have a 50/50 chance that she agrees it's a good idea!  On the days she doesn't feel like it she'll back up as I put one foot in the stirrup, go forwards or swing her hind end away from the mounting block.  As I am only 5" 4 and she is 17.1/2 hh I don't have the leg length to mount from the floor so this 'dance' can go on for quite some time! On occasions I have given up (sometimes in tears).

With some reflection and with some renewed perspective, I see that such moments are there to remind me I have choices about how to respond.  Ingredient number 2...

2. ) Chose your response!

To keep things simple, when Grace doesn't want me to mount her, and before the tears well up in me, and I feel all helpless I have two basic choices available to me (there may be more, but lets work with two for now):

Choice 1

Be firm! MAKE her stand still so I can mount

In other words dominate, use pressure, force, whatever it takes to get what i want.  That is certainly one way of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, but is it communication?  Is it both parties listening to each other, and hearing each other?  For me the answer is no!  It is ONE party over riding the others views.  In my book that's the mark of a bully!

For some people that might be an acceptable communication style.  For some horses it might be acceptable, especially if they are emotionally 'shut down'.

For me, its not acceptable with my horses.  It certainly hasn't  proved to be acceptable for Grace either as 2 of my 3 unplanned dismounts have been within seconds of me mounting her, against her (clearly expressed) wishes - if only I'd been listening to her, instead myself!

Choice 2

Listen and seek to understand, not be understood!

Stephen Covey in his work on 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, focuses on 'seeking to understand (others)' - 'before being understood' (by them). It reverses the focus and is a powerful concept following the principle of putting your audiences needs above your own.

With Grace, this can mean taking however long it takes for us to find an understanding, to reach a level of true communication, so that I can mount.

The truth is that every time Grace moves away as I mount she's saying "I'm not ready to have you on my back".  She is clearly communicating 'no thanks' or 'not now' or something along those lines.  If I chose to show I'm listening to her, really listening then I'll be willing to not ride at all that day, take her and do something else and come back to try mounting again later, or vary the way in which I make my request, (ingredient number 1).

I like to also remember that there are consequences for pushing on with my message, and refusing to listen to my audience (Grace).  As just mentioned, 2 of my 3 falls have been within seconds of mounting her when she made it very clear she wasn't 'ready'!   What better example of consequence is there?

In terms of impact on me those falls have equated to an adverse impact financially (if I can't work), physically (i.e. pain)  and emotionally (i.e. confidence loss), all in one misread communication!

That sure made me wake up to smell the roses!

Ingredient number 3:

3. ) Think through consequences and impacts of your communication!

If I persist in mounting there and then by using force and shoving Grace in the menage corner, or getting someone to hold her still so I can get on, I'm showing her that   "I'M NOT LISTENING", "I DON'T UNDERSTAND " or  " I don't want to understand her needs and feelings"

For sure choice number 2 is fraught with frustration - just as anytime when when we can't get our point across, at work or home, or can't get our own way.

I admit it won't necessarily produce quick results in the short term, compared to those how have more time in the saddle because they choose option 1 and 'made' it happen.

However, I believe that longer term the benefits of following choice number 2 (with Grace) are numerous: more trust, more mutual respect and more willingness to work as a team.  Not to mention more personal safety!

Maybe ultimately that gets you to the same end goal as other riders have, just from a slower starting point.  We shall see, and I'm certainly no expert in these matters, but I sense my horses are!

Reminds me of the Hare and the Tortoise story

In summary, my 3 x C's for effective human and horse communication go like this:

Communicate differently with each horse you work with; respecting them as individuals

Choose your response, don't just react, to unsuccessful communication or frustration

Consider consequences and impacts of your communication so you pursue your point of view wisely

I have found myself many times, standing at the mounting block for half an hour waiting for Grace and I to be in sync and in agreement about me getting on, now, today.

I have gone home at the end of a long work day, in tears unable to mount my horse and unable to have my riding time, while everybody else seemingly is! (Pity party time)! 

I have got in a right strop and stomped back to the stable to put Grace away in disgust showing no compassion and fueled by embarrassment and feelings of defeatism.

I now know, that in those moments I need to STOP!   I need to assess the situation and THINK about what I do next, and NOT what  I want?

I have learned NOT to be driven by my watch, my "I only have 40 minutes before I have to go" excuses that justify me making a bad choice of how to communicate.

I have learned that being safe, and being smart and preserving the relationship is far better than a 30 minute ride, wondering with every stride, at what moment she's 'going to let me have it as payback for choosing option 1 above!!  

Payback from a 17.1hh warm blood with attitude has resulted in me being in A&E and whatever 'urgent' appointment I had that made me chose unwisely  - was missed anyway! Big picture not little picture is the name of the game and one well worth remembering, in my experience.

When something truely Amazing happens..

I started this blog with a title of ....

I was lost and now I am found

As I typed the title it felt familiar so I googled it and found that its the lyric from a song but not any old song - it's from Amazing Grace!

This post is about Grace! "How amazing" I said out loud.  Then laughed - amazing as in amazing Grace!  Oh stop!

Today, Grace and I had a Parelli session with Vicky Manser - our first in over a year.  How time flies!

We began with me summarising the events of the last year, Grace's feral behaviour and massive separation anxiety that led me to stop riding, lunging, doing Parelli or anything with her, finding her unsafe to be around.  That's it in a nutshell.  I described feeling like I'd lost my horse, and the aim of today was to re-start the journey to find her again.

It's not often in life that we achieve our goals, its even more rare to do so exactly when you want it or need it.  But today, that goal of finding Grace happened!  In 90 minutes Grace and I were home....together!

 

I know that sometimes we have to get lost, stray, deviate off course, in order to discover new paths, to return to something better  - and today has been a massive reminder of the value of that.  

Today I remembered and learned all at the same time ... 

• Not to dwell on the past, or the feeling of having wasted (lost) a year of progress. 

The past is the past and nothing more.  

Today was better than yesterday and that's a good place to be!

• To recognise the difference between observing a horse and listening to them.  I've been watching Grace but not listening to her.  As the song say:-

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

(see recent post on simplicity - we need to use both our eyes and our ears)
 

• To get connection work with the very moment of distraction (the object of my frustration) - that's my cue to change direction, pace, and help Grace to focus back inside the menage and back on me.

•  If fear is the focus of my thoughts then fear is all I'll feel.  My head and heart needs to chose to remember trust and joy as equal opposites.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear;

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

• When I'm in 'blame' mode I'm not thinking!  If I'm not taking responsibility then why should Grace?

It took less than an hour of walking around the menage, mirroring pace and energy, working with distraction, to have a calm, relaxed Grace - the old Grace, back!  Soft eyes, droopy lower lip, licking and chewing.  Everything that dreams are made of when all you want is to just "be at one with your horse". 

Grace August 5th 2015

So many highlights from today!

Having Grace lick my hands, gently, with such softness - a nice change from grabbing at me and biting.

Seeing Grace think, process, reflect and soften with the brain work, stimulation, and presumably enjoyment of some shared leadership for a change! 

Listening to Grace sigh with relaxation not boredom. 

Finding myself having a thought and saying out loud to Vicky "I don't know if this is my thought or Grace's thought but I think "I've just come home"   - at which point Grace stepped forward with a lowered head and neck and literally nestled into my body and stayed there.   Feedback that it was her idea not mine and I think i just had my first experience of sensing a horses's thoughts!

 

 

Through many dangers, toils and snares,

I have already come

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

Realising that both she and I had been lost was the biggest 'ah ha' of the day.  How can I expect her to return if im not there myself?   How can I expect her to go (emotionally speaking) to any place where I can't get to myself?  The logic of it should hit us hard.  If logic isn't enough, I hope everyone reading this blog has an experience similar to mine today.  

Parelli has been a foundation.  A set of bricks that were in place, then got ignored but sit there still strong and sure.  It is NOT about doing the exercises and using the techniques.  It IS about listening to the horse infront of you and selecting tools to suit the needs of that moment.  

Today I have a lot to be grateful for...

• Thank goodness Grace and I got lost.

• Thank goodness we are found again (or well on our way at least)!

New Years Resolutions be Gone - New You, On it's way!

Rumour has it that by now, early February most of us have abandoned our New Year Resolutions aimed at creating a "new me".

Worry not!  There is more than one way to a better you!

Meta physicians award each year with a theme.  These themes relate to a massive spiritual, emotional, and physical transition that the world is going through, driven in large by us humans!

The theme for 2015 is Remembrance meaning remembering!

2015 is about defining the year and defining the future, and ourselves along the way!

Sometimes I think that many humans have horses (or spend time with them) to help us find ourselves - past or present!   They bring out in us buried feelings of loneliness, anger, despair, hope and happiness. 

The meta physicians will tell us that the important elements of 2015 includes:-

-  revitalising

-  respecting

-  re-discovering and,

-  renewing

Horses, I believe, if we are open to the notion, can help us connect with each of the elements important for this year.  Horses not our shrinks, convenience stores or pharmaceutical drugs can put the disparate pieces of our lives ,and who we truly are, back together again. 

Wouldn't it be a wonderful new BHS code for us all to follow in our dealings with horses if we acknowledged how much they have to offer us for our future well being?

Revitalise: Have you ever noticed how much horses revitalise our spirit, our senses and our energy?

Respect: What if we truly acted towards horses with respect - focusing on their needs and rights, in how we care for them and hopefully keep them for life?

Re-discover: Business ventures have been born out of merging the world of healing and leadership development through interaction with horses.  In summary, such interventions enable dysfunctional adolescents and wayward Executives to re-discover themselves with a view to making personal change.

Renewing: Every hour spent with a horse is a renewal process with no end in sight.  No matter how tired, stressed, physically aching or mentally distracted I am; time spent with my herd always releases a new and improved me! 

Now that's a code to live life by!

In my work with riders I always start by asking them to remember why they ride as it will influence the things we set in motion.  It empowers us.  It is fuel for our imagination, it takes us back to our childhood or latterly explored need for freedom. 

Remembering tones our gratitude like a muscle! Horses help us come home to ourselves, remembering who we truly are, which helps us become more of whom we want to become!

Before we get "there" we often have to wade through our past - namely our memories (real or distorted) - and this can feel like crawling through mud!  Yet, crawl we must in order to seek the prize called clarity.  To be stronger in ourselves and have the courage of our convictions, we have to be able to free up our passions and that again, can have it's origins in our past.

Mud + Clarity + Passion = Stronger us!

In an earlier post I mused (briefly) on the notion of a world without horses.  In an even earlier post than that, I wrote about a small herd of abandoned ponies close to my home.  Both posts raise questions of commitment and determination.  Where have such qualities gone?  Do we have enough of either, anymore? 

When we abandon or sell our horses because we can't handle them or they can't give us what we want - do we have the resolve to persist?  How do you know your vision of 'moving on' and 'passing him/her on' is the right one?

I ask this because time after time I see riders sell a 'problem horse', acquire another blemish free one in it's place only to find that 6 months later the perfect horse has developed into another 'problem horse'.  We will only find a true fix to this dilemma, when we develop a real desire to unravel the current reality we experience with horses or with fellow humans.

Horse selling is too often nothing more than an optimistic hope - whimsical and lacking substance. A desperate hope by its last resort nature is always weak hope.

What's the root cause of our false hope?  Often it's lack of trust - in ourselves and others. What gets in the way of us developing that trust includes impatience! We want things to work quickly, change must happen now which demands action - often without thought or depth of understanding behind them.

I have come to believe that horses, other animals and nature in general all help us to rediscover trust and encourage us to remember a time when the world was more simple!

Time spent with horses and nature is how we will find the space we need for our own recovery.  

As well as being a year about remembrance and remembering, it is also a year with an '8' vibration - meaning 'as above so below' - The symbolism of 8 is to balance the material and immaterial worlds.

The year is as spiritual as it is materialistic. Horses at the heart of our lives will play a central role (if we let them) to shake us out of materialism and into our full spiritual selves!

The spiritual side of the 8 is practical, realistic and intelligent - sounds like the nature and true spirit of The Horse, doesn't it?

Will you make 2015 a year to be remembered?

 

Let's make it an incredible year well worth remembering in years to come, for us and our horses!

Diamond Dust and Rainbows from Yorkshire!

There's a fine line between "barking mad" and "perfectly normal".  This week I've discovered that such a "fine line" may be getting narrower with every conversation!

Take yesterday ...

I was heading towards Bond Street tube, when my journey was interrupted by a good looking, suited up, young man bearing a silver tray of sachets.  He proudly presented me with one, simultaneously asking me "what skin products" I use!

Instantly I knew I'd walked into a 'sales number' so I replied and quickly stepped sideways ready to two-step past him.  He congratulated me on my skin care choice and quick as a flash mentioned the sachet in my hand would compliment my products as it contained nothing less than microdermabrasing diamond dust, and rainbows from North Yorkshire!   

Now I'm no push over but I don't know which of us was the more surprised; me hearing someone had captured those illusive Yorkshire Rainbows, we all dream of having in our face cream,  or the sales man when I asked exactly 'how' they had done that!  He laughed and said he "made that bit up to see if I was listening!"   Well I was! 

Twenty minutes later I left his salon carrying an unplanned purchase of an orange coloured facial scrub plus body cream - both bearing the promise of diamond dust and preciously packaged in a swanky black bag!

Being a horsey girl, my hands and face are not my shining glory!   I decided that given all the herbs, massages, essential oils and therapy's I buy for my horses, a microdermabrasing diamond dust infused cream just HAD to come home; it would no doubt make my life complete!

Slowly I'm getting to the point of this tale!  As I sat in his salon testing his products (shuddering at the price and preparing my "thanks, but no thanks" speech), I was curiously drawn into the tales he spun of old western holistic treatments have used Diamond Dust for centuries. Something to do with they penetrate the skins epidermis deeper than anything else which it seems is a good thing when transporting goodness through our body!
 
The left part of my brain was screaming loudly "pull the other one mate", while the right side of my brain remained dangerously interested!  He got me thinking!  Maybe?  What if....?  After all, Diamond dust in my face cream hardly seems any more crazy than popping sugar pills into Essy each night!  

I have no data, proof, or evidence that homoeopathic pills produce any positive result let alone a specific desired one.   After all, they are (as I understand it) 'sugar pills' with some 'energy containing cells' from some oil or herb or plant or extract, somehow added in (energetically I think)!

In other words stuff I really don't understand and which has for centuries alluded man to prove actually exists.

Chris (the fab Alternative Vet) told me plain as day that he had "no idea" what result I would see in Essy after taking homoeopathic pills, when I asked him last month.  Despite his candour and lack of any guarantee whatsoever, I still made a leap of faith and did as he suggested.  Yesterday's face cream purchase felt very similar.

Maybe the 'cave dwelling' romantic hidden deep inside me wants to believe in diamond dust having magical properties within it.  Maybe like the sugar pills - the results are as much about our intention and our hope, as they are about actual medicinal properties.

My friend and fellow Blog author Issy Clarke and I discussed this late last night.  Could it be that the energy and even the personality of Chris (the Vet) transmits into the pills he prepares?  She posed the question with some lucidity.  I confessed that I had no idea but I shared with her that for some reason I do feel very calm around Chris.  I feel I can trust him.  Now, if some of that energy alone, can transmit into the pills he prescribes - great!  Maybe I should be taking a few each day, too! 

I booked Chris to came back this week to check on Essy and to meet Solar Sue for the first time - given her recent heart problem identification.

I was prepared for his visit and gave him Solar's 16 year medical download as I had done with Essy the month prior.  I was expecting a pelvis and head re-alignment.  I was even ready for the dowsing.  However, I was not prepared for a question he asked that threw me into a vortex of stuttering, blubbering sounds not even words as my brain shut up shop and refused to open for business!

Just before the 'killer question' he asked me to describe Solar's character.  I do that in my head all the time with all three of my horses, building up the picture I have of 'who they are' from the outside looking in. So, that was easy peasy!

He had also asked me to describe my bond with her, which I did, and made comparisons with my relationship/bond with Essy. 

He then asked me a seemingly harmless question mid way into the session "what is her name".  I told him (again) "Solar Sue", thinking, "Ive already told you that a gazillion times today..."!

"No" he said - " what do you call her?"

"Oh! Minxy" I replied.

This was an interesting question for a couple of reasons: one, he didn't ask me that when he met with Essy (whose nick name is Handsome Pants)! So does that mean somehow he knew that Solar Sue wasn't what I called her day to day, and if so, how did he know that? Is there any significance to that?

Finally,  as soon as I said her name out loud "Minxy",  Solar immediately stopped eating her hay walked straight over to Chris and stood face on at him, looking at him.

Chris commented that  it was "very interesting that she came over at that precise moment"

So, back to the killer question that made my brain and mouth freeze over.  It was when he asked me this:

"how would you describe her 6th sense?"

Silence!

I had no idea what the question meant nor how to answer it!  I understood the words themselves individually, but the meaning, and context when in the same sentence left me blank.

He hadn't asked me "did I think she had a 6th sense?" or do "I believe in such a thing as a 6th sense?" he wanted to know "how I would describe her 6th sense?"  He wasn't even asking how I would describe MY 6th sense! 

I found myself saying I believed all horses had a 6th sense.  He agreed.  As I stood there tongue tied, I had mental pictures flashing through my mind of Solar and Essy galloping round their paddocks, changing direction and pace in a flash and in total sync with one another.  I had the flashbacks of Solar nickering to me and pushing her head into my tummy when I walk at her side or do some healing with her.  I remembered feeling her depression in the winter 2013.  I had images but no words to describe it succinctly as evidence based examples.

I wasn't really sure what I was trying to prove or demonstrate. Hence the struggle!

I wish I could now share some magical insight and answer to that question, having had time to reflect, but I can't.  Hopefully that's not what's important.  What might be useful is to rest a while with the question thereby prompting others to think about how they would answer the question if asked?

• So what does a 6th Sense mean to you?  
• Is "it" the same or different for a Horse? 
• How can you be a witness to "it" in your horse?

For simplicity sake, we can see if the dictionary provides useful guidance and help.

1. From the Urban Dictionary 6th sense is defined as:

"The sixth sense is probably a sense exclusive to one person, and one person only. All humans possess the other five senses, which are sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. But the sixth sense is whatever that person's special gift is, and is often a paranormal capability, such as seeing dead people".  

- Personally that scares me!

2. The Free Dictionary says it is:

"A power of perception seemingly independent of the five senses; keen intuition."  

- A little bit more useful, I think!

3. The Cambridge Dictionary says:

"an ability that some people believe they have that seems to give them information without using the five senses of sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste" 

- Oh great! Explains what it isn't but not what it is!

4. Spiritual Science Research Foundation likens it to:

"our ability to perceive the subtle-dimension or the unseen world of angels, ghosts, Heaven (Swarga), etc. It also includes our ability to understand the subtle cause and effect relationship behind many events, which is beyond the understanding of the intellect. Extrasensory perception (ESP), clairvoyance, premonition, intuition are synonymous with sixth sense or subtle perception ability. Throughout this website we use the words sixth sense, ESP and subtle perception ability interchangeably"

- Great! Clear as mud!

Having read the above, I'm still not sure how to define it.  Maybe words alone can't capture it (after all, the brains behind dictionary definitions are usually well functioning)!  Ironically I do have a 'sense' of it (tee hee) but I'm not confident any of the above definitions nail it.

If I can't define something I find it hard to explain it.  Even more weird is the feeling that we can have a 'sense' of something including what it is', that it is real, it exists, even when we have no words to describe it.  It's a bit like knowing there's a building in front of you, without any walls, floor, ceiling or windows to perceive it by!

One possible way to explain the 6th Sense

I think in Chris's question he was asking me about Minxy's spirituality.

I hope my observations and my (eventually coherent) response about what she pays attention to and reacts to, were helpful.  He nodded as I explained how she picks up on my my moods, how she goes berserk at the sudden noise of a Radio, (whereas my other horses don't).  I explained it was as if some things give her sensory overload and that's how I witness it in her.

How does all this tie back to my man with the silver tray?

You may be like me, and believe in rainbows because we see them (even though the physics used to explain their formation doesn't answer all our questions fully)!  Like me you probably already know from experts in the diamond trade, how hard a diamond is so we can easily believe it penetrates deep into anything it cuts, whether we see it or not.

What I'm fascinated by is why we buy certain products, or impose them upon our horses,  even though facts are lacking or aren't enough, even when it sounds like it's 'out there with the fairies'!

Maybe we make such purchasing decisions based on panic, speed, delusion, hope or belief.
In my own decision making, more and more, decisions are based on feelings not facts.  Is that my own 6th sense at work?  

I enjoy thinking about the effects decisions have on us.  More important than any facts or stats about rainbows or diamonds, is the effect that a rainbow or brilliant diamond can have on our hearts and minds, maybe even our soul.

That uplifting, stop you in your tracks, compelling you to take a mental or actual photo, effect!  Even though we've seen hundreds of rainbows, and may not be materialistically impressed by a 2 carat bit of bling, the radiance and beauty of a rainbow or diamond is hard to ignore and harder to forget.

Naturally I hope that my diamond infused creams will work magic on my face and hands.  I hope that my faith in buying them and in administering homoeopathic pills for Essy and Minxy, is well placed.

I hope that I will continue to be asked difficult questions that sound easy until you try to answer!

I hope that every day conversation raises more challenges and insight to bring closer to the realms of 'normality' the very things today considered, bonkers!

Until then, look out for me below the nearest rainbow or grinding an old engagement ring into a tub of E45!

Is there a Shakespeare moment in your daily horse routine?

"To thine own self be true"  -  Polonius, Hamlet Act 1

 

What a fabulous day with a bunch of teenagers, some horses, and a few committed good souls - keen to bring Hamlet's words to life.

Despite the foggy start to this 1st morning in April, 12 youngsters aged 14-16 listened carefully to their safety briefing on 'being around horses'.  For some this would be their first interaction with a horse. 

Armed with only coats and their thoughts, they entered the indoor arena and met the horse who would be their companion, teacher and "Polonius" for the next hour and a half.

It was a privilege to watch young women and men,  blossom in the heart of a new experience.  It was fascinating to hear their teacher comment on how different they were (positively so), compared to back at school!

I already believed that having an education and a thirst for knowledge is important.  I also know that academic conquests are not the bee all and end all and that some of us have gifts and abilities in vocational areas.  Today was testimony to both my beliefs.  Thirdly, it drew a lucid illustration of the importance of "experience" in learning, and of our accountability for what we learn, not just for learning sake, but for how it shapes who we are.

I watched young men drop their mask of 'bravado' and admit confusion and reveal their vulnerability when facing failure.  I watched a quiet, invisible young woman grow in confidence and presence before us, with a smile so bright it would break up any foggy disposition.

I heard 'tough' teenagers admit how 'soft' a horse felt with astonishment in their voice as they pondered on the contradiction of how half a tonne of power could also be soft!  

I heard the quiet, surprised whispers of 'this is fun' as if it was an offence to utter such words, normally so common place coming from one so young. Clearly it was not common place for this youngster.

One young adult at the end of the day remarked on how the day had reminded her of her childhood!  Since when did a teenager have perspective of their childhood being a thing of the past, and why?

In 90 minutes the presence of a horse taught these guys so much, here's an illustration of what I heard them identify as things they had learnt:-

-The importance of having a plan, if you want another to follow.

-The role of limiting beliefs and how they impact the results we get.

-How saying we want to do something isn't the same as believing we can!

-How purpose is important as something to see, have, feel and demonstrate.

-How uncertain things become when we lack trust.

-How easy it is to enable others to follow simply by having our minds set on where we are going.

-The role of communication when working as a team with a common purpose.

It takes a lot to silence me.  I'm not often quiet and I'm less often in a situation where I take a backseat.  Usually I'm up front, leading, facilitating, teaching in some way.  Today I was not,  and I am grateful because it allowed me to observe some remarkable moments, here's one another I witnessed:

....a young man presumably about 15 or 16 himself, got angry and frustrated when working with their horse and the rest of his group, allegedly as a team.   The exercise did not go to plan.  The horse did not complete the task they were set.  The young man's reaction was anger, and blame - turned towards his fellow team mates. Before the facilitator could say a word,  in a nanosecond, the teenager called out his own behaviour and said "I'm blaming everyone else which probably isn't right as I was probably not doing something right myself"!

Now, I don't know about you, but I rarely find a 40 year old 'grown up' with such self insight and humility, never mind a teenager.  This young man hasn't been on leadership or self awareness courses.  He's had no sliver spoon in his life, no consistent 'life lessons' demonstrated by balanced parents and solid role models.  In fact one parent has been absent most of his life.  This was a youngster who has probably had to fight his way to survive thus far, on a daily basis, yet who can 'self coach' and take accountability for his feelings and deeds, in the heat of a moment.

There were other memorable moments too, including the 'wrap up' on the day which involved a poignant demonstration of how 'what happens to us in life' doesn't in any way devalue us, and who we are - back to Hamlet!

It's no wonder that people want to continue to develop how we work with horses for the benefit of others.  To help others interact in a new way with a living being.  To learn to reflect, analyse ones own contribution to a situation and to have fun while doing all the above.

Before today, I've been holding back from enlisting myself to get involved in such programmes, unsure of the ethics of it from the horse's perspective.  For this group and other similarly deserving audiences I am now converted.  I can see what a powerful role the horse can play.  I can see the very 'set up' is full of mutual respect, equality and a healthy dose of safety, for everyone; ethics I'm happy to endorse.

Yet probably the biggest shock of the day, was to see the surprise on the young peoples faces when the facilitator explained how much they had achieved in the day.  

You see, by the end of 90 minutes these 'kids' were leading their horses around in shapes and through obstacles at liberty.  No ropes, no pulling, pushing, tugging or clicking.  The facilitator remarked (accurately so in my experience) how very RARE it is for 'horsey people' to be able to achieve at liberty work with their horse.  How unusual it is for horse people to abandon riding in favour of some ground time and bonding with their horse.   It seems for our young people in a day full of experience, sensory input and conceptual learning, this was the biggest surprise of all!  

Isn't that a pity for horses everywhere?  Shame on us 'horsey people' for denying ourselves such a learning opportunity.  

If your parent said to you "to thine own self be true" - would you know which 'you' to be true to (see earlier blog: A Legacy of Sunshine or Clouds)?   Would you know which mask is the real you? I believe these teenagers I met today have been given an invaluable golden nugget in figuring out 'who they are' and who they can still become.  

Days like today could earn their rightful place in any countries mainstream compulsory Education System, at least in my opinion.  If that doesn't catch on,  then I hope it can at least become compulsory for all horse owners in the future.

Vanilla, Strawberry or Chocolate?

There are three constants in life... change, choice and principles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/choice.html#jf8gjAufJFT3eZLE.99

There are three constants in life... change, choice and principles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/choice.html#jf8gjAufJFT3eZLE.99

There are three constants in life... change, choice and principles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/choice.html#jf8gjAufJFT3eZLE.99

There are three constants in life... change, choice and principles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/choice.html#jf8gjAufJFT3eZLE.99

There are three constants in life... change, choice and principles.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/choice.html#jf8gjAufJFT3eZLE.

There are 3 constants in life: change, choice and principles

 

Choosing wisely can often be a balancing act between all three...

As a general rule, whenever I have a problem to solve, I write out the "pros" and "cons"  for each option - the good old fashioned way.  Decision making is a risky thing especially when making it for Another and even worse if that Another is your horse whose desires we can only make an educated guess about. 

Most of us tend to share our problems with friends and family  believing a "problem shared is a problem halved".  If we stopped there it might be a helpful strategy.  Typically, we continue to share - canvassing the opinion of everyone we know (or don't know) leaving us more confused than before!  Bottom line we end up like many a poor marketing slogan - unimaginative, uninspired and with an outcome that lacks relevance or sells products. In other words it doesn't help us to make a choice!

Tonight a friend is in need. She has a decision to make - to move her horse to Yard A or to Yard B.

Yard A gives her proximity to her own home.  Yard B does not.

Yard A gives her a focus on Dressage which she is interested in developing.  Yard B offers her expertise in Show Jumping - her first love.

Yard A is a little more expensive, but it's offset with the petrol cost to get to Yard B.

Yard A is large, Yard B is small.

Yard A guarantees 3 hours winter turnout.  Yard B offers more.

Yard A has hacking around the property.  Yard B is limited.

....On it goes!  Quickly it becomes an impossible decision comparing appels with bananas.  Unless you fancy knocking up an excel spreadsheet, applying a weighting factor to each criteria to get a mathematical decision, you'll be going up and down like a game of snakes and ladders.

Choice is a good thing - one great yard over another - a nice problem to have (in a way).  But circumstances rarely allow us to feel the joy of Yard Shopping. In this case the circumstances that are forcing the change concern the well being and health of her horse who has Grade 3 (out of 4) ulcers as pictured below:

The only option left (to help with decision making) is to consider the principles of the situation. In this case I suggest TRUST!
 
By way of background, suffice it to say that her current yard has not been fulfilling it's side of the agreement: feeds missed, drugs not administered, turn out not happening, the owners wishes being usurped by those who believe they know better and arrogantly do what they want, not what the owner and paying customer wants. 

A sadly familiar tale where the staff take over the running of your horse!  Nothing is more frustrating and upsetting than the feeling that your horse is slipping away from you in front of you! Especially when in the hands of people who reach for Bute at the first sign of poor performance!

Every horse owner knows the worry, stress and angst caused when you have to entrust the care of your horse into the hands and watchful eyes of someone else. Like mothers handing over their young to day care or a nanny, every day is coloured by the dread of that unwanted text!

Whether your horse has 'special needs' or not, whether he is easy to care for or not, you have to be able to trust that it will be done to the best standard and as good as you could do it yourself.  How do you know if you've found a carer capable of that?

Client testimonials is one way (not when the Yard Manager is standing close by).  Gut feel is another.  Check out that you have a 'like minded' spirit with the same values is a third.  Values such as integrity, respect, honesty.  If you know what your values are, it's easier to identify the same values (or not) in others. 

I value and look for teamwork! If it helps, here's what I consider important:

(Together we achieve more)

Do I believe Yard manager A or B is the better team player?  They don't have to be the best in the business but will we be in 'sync'?

1. Will we both put in equal effort to the relationship to make it a success?  
2. Do we share common values?
3. Will he/she respect and act upon my wishes?  
4. Is this someone I want to work with?
5. Are we likely to pull in the same direction?  
6. Do I want this person to be part of my team and my life, everyday? 
7. Do I feel like an EQUAL around him/her?   Will he/she treat me as such?
8. Am I interested in their perspective but am safe in the knowledge that the care for my horse won't suffer if I chose NOT to follow their way?  
9. Does he/she want to learn about my horse's ways, likes and dislikes?
10. Do we have the same goal for my horse? Health, happiness and fun!

Personally, I try to steer away from joining yards with so called (often self proclaimed) 'experts'  who tell you how much they know!  The proof of the pudding is in the eating! Ultimately your horse and his health will demonstrate how much the humans around him really do understand horse's and their needs. Our eyes don't deceive us and our horse's behaviour is all the feedback we need.

When I lived in America I found the 37 flavours of ice cream a nightmare to chose from - 2 is a problem, 3 is a dilemma etc. My decision was to avoid ice cream for desert and ended up eating proper puds and piling on the calories!

The moral of my 'ice cream' story is that there is often a negative consequence for abstaining from decision making  - change is a constant!  As yards rarely offer us "try before you buy", TRUST becomes an important differentiator.  Trusting ourselves and our judgement;  trusting our instinct, and being able to size up others.   Knowing that here is a yard where we can just be ourselves and enjoy our time with our horse.

It's hard to 'be' with our horses if we aren't at ease 'being' with ourselves.  A good yard manager should help us find that personal haven, and nurture it for our daily exercise and delight.

I wish my friend a good nights sleep dreaming about Yard A or  B, to wake up tomorrow with the clarity that sometimes only sleep can bring. 

Do Horses LOVE?

The Persian Poet Rumi said: 

 

"By God, when you see your beauty, you'll be the idol of yourself"

I believe horses do LOVE.

I believe they simplify 'how to' love for us to understand it better.

I believe they can teach us a lot about the true nature of love. 
I believe it would be impossible for them NOT to experience love.

There are different types of love - the love you have for your spouse, your parents, siblings and children, which can feel very different in its form and depth.  Then there is the love you have for a specific football team, country or place, religion or faith. We can love things that are bad for us or pursue passions with love that benefit us.  Somewhere in the mix is the love we have for our horse.

The question in my mind, is do they feel love, and if they do, what can they teach us about the nature of love?

To get my head around the concept it needs to make sense in my own mind as it relates to how we experience love first.

How much love do we feel towards ourselves and others?  Is it one emotion or many mixed up?   Where does it come from?  Is it self fulfilling? Can you track it and nurture it's development like mastering a new skill?  When I feel love does it feel the same as when you experience love, just as when we both look at grass do we see the same green? 

Let's step back. When we are born we are emotionally healthy and in tact. We love and accept ourselves and those around us.  We are free of expectation and judgement. We have no concept of if we are cute enough, the right weight or showing normal baby skills of alertness. We are at our closest to living as a horse lives i.e. we are present, living in the moment, for the moment, and without much conscious thought about the next moment, dependant on others for our mutual survival. We know and experience love (without any label).  Love is all around us.

As we grow and develop, things begin to change: we are taught right from wrong and so the process of judgement and comparison begins. Life takes on a routine of being told when and what to eat, when and when to sleep, and what to do.  We learn how to seek attention, who provides us with comfort, and who fills us with fear.  We learn what behaviours beget which results and with what consequences.  All of this sounds like normal healthy stuff, but over time it replaces our ability to remain present.  We become full of thoughts, perceptions and expectations; the stuff of busy minds.  Soon we have an image of how we should be and we reject those parts of us that get in the way of that ideal. In so doing we banish to some forgotten land vital parts of who we really are - fully!

Carl Jung once said "I'd rather be whole than good". In contrast most of us experience the opposite - and deny parts of ourselves in order to be accepted, popular, or fit in as 'good boys and girls'.

In Neale Donald Walsch's book Conversations with God, God says:

"perfect love is to feeling what perfect white is to colour. Many think that white is an absence of colour.  It is not. It is the inclusion of all colour.  White is every other colour that exists combined.  So, too, is love not the absence of emotion (hatred, anger, lust, jealousy, covertness), but the summation of all feeling?  It is the sum total."

The idea of love being a mix of emotions and feelings seems to make more sense than it being borne of only one specific emotion or feeling,  maybe that's why it is hard to describe.

So, do horses love?

Essy September 2013

I can vouch for how much love in me Essy brings out of me, and how much depth of love I feel for him when I'm around him, particularly when I look into his eyes.  It is at such moments that I well up with tears; tears of pure, deep love.  I am moved uncontrollably, unconsciously and spontaneously, just as love should be - without a need for rational explanation or analysis.  It is not a programmed activity produced on cue.

In my own experience horses help us to feel deep love without analysis, justification or explanation. Whether we love a big shire horse, a young untrained horse, one that is old and frail, statuesque or small, horses allow us to feel love deeply!

Horses are expert teachers at showing us how to spend each day being with ourselves, in acceptance; warts and all! You don't see a horse trying to change himself!  There is no obvious sign that they compare themselves with other horses (unless needing acceptance from the herd). They don't try to comply with some "Breed ideal"or standard.  Horses live being true to themselves, embracing all parts of who they are (ideal or otherwise)!  They know how to 'self love' whereas most of us would struggle to look at ourselves in a mirror and say "I love you" never mind accept what we see and live with it happily.

I'm always inspired by how horses don't appear to spend mental energy berating themselves, criticising their lack of impulsion, or flexion or double fault jumping round. They remember good and bad experiences of course; they are prey animals, learning all the time through experiences.  Yet their ability to accept the now, give things another go, and try, is without limit.  Where does that ability to bounce back or keep going come from?

Some will suggest it comes from their forgiving nature.  I think it comes from being vulnerable.  From being a prey animal.  It plays out like this: when we feel love (us humans) it is best expressed as intimacy, physical, spiritual, mental. Yet before we can be intimate we have to be vulnerable i.e. put our trust in another not to betray us in our vulnerable state of love. That is one of the ultimate expressions of love.  It also provides us with the feedback that we feel enough love in the first place to open up our vulnerable side to others.  In return we get the feedback that we are loved back when our vulnerability is respected not betrayed.

Our horses show the same trust and vulnerability daily: as we catch them, tie them up, ride them, stable them, sell them on to someone else.  They trust us not to abuse that trust; not to violate their vulnerability or exploit it. Trust between humans is brittle, it breaks easily.  I believe it is the same for us with our horses.  The difference is they appear to be resilient.  Perhaps that resilience comes from an acceptance of imperfection. From an understanding that feelings of betrayal will happen and is just one available emotion to experience amongst the full colour palette of love as suggested by Walsch.  Love comes, betrayal comes.  Both must exist. 

Love includes all emotions says Walsch so to experience love we should accept the full range of feelings that contribute to love, and realise that in our longing for Nirvana, a Sole Mate or the perfect horse - we already have them right in front of us, if only we could see and feel them!

Albert Einstein said "nature shows us only the tail of the lion. But I do not doubt that the lion belongs to it even though he cannot at once reveal himself..."

Peter Freund, a professor of theoretical physics at the University of Chicago, emphasises that there is one fundamental theme running through the past ten years of physics. That theme is that the laws of nature become simple and elegant when expressed in higher dimensions.  Meaning if we got out of the cave where our nose is flush with the side of the lion, and stood on a hilltop we could see the entire lion!

What is directly in front of us is often most hidden from our view.  Our eyes deceive us.  We place too much importance on what we see or think, over what we feel, sense or hear.  Love is all around us, it is behind everything.  How could horses NOT experience love?  Be it in their love of sunshine on their backs, the massaging effect of rolling in dirt, the gentle nuzzling of a friend, or the security of a herd?  Love doesn't have to be complex, its wrapped up in simple moments of self expression and depth of emotion as you stand on a hill side and burst into tears at the beauty of what you see.

Horses teach us every day, to step back - to find that hilltop so that we can see what is right under our nose! Horses epitomise love in their being and in their heritage as a prey animal.

They are wonderful teachers of the feeling and depth of love if we look into their eyes and allow what radiates from them to reach our hearts and in turn radiate back out.

Yes, Horses Do Love!

A face full of TRUST and thanks

Monday morning and I asked Essy to walk up the ramp of a horsebox.  A task Ive not asked him to do in 3. 5 years.  The horsebox wasn't ours.  He walked straight up, first time.

Having been retired for over a year now, out of work, his decline in muscle tone meant his one hour journey in 30 degrees morning heat, was tough.   His chest, abdominal and back muscles clinched, stretched and strained.

At noon, with the sun high in the sky we arrived and unloaded at an Equine Hospital.

Long story short, 4.5 hours later he was awake enough from his operation to travel home.   Bandaged up like a little soldier. He might of been ready but the duty of care and responsibility I felt was so huge I wasn't sure I was!

He'd just had a hole drilled into his head, above his left eye.  He'd been heavily sedated.  It was hot and we had the same journey home ahead of us, only now in commuter traffic.  My main concern was firstly would he re-load and secondly would he have the strength (after sedation) to hold himself up to do the journey, for a second time?  Compound this with what I could only imagine was the headache of all headaches.

Just after 5pm we made it!  Home!  Having ridden in the back with him, Ive never been more grateful to get somewhere all in one piece, without incident.

Now the wait begins for the results of the biopsy.  Now the care begins to ensure bandages stay in place and the wound kept clean.

At home he had an hour to chill in his stable.  We then had a bath, I massaged his tired hamstrings, did some tail releases (very tense) and finished the day with some essential oils for emotional re-balancing.

Only job remaining was to 'pad' his stable as his new past time seemed to be trying to remove the bandage and scratch the front of his head!  Many thanks to a fellow livery for suggesting rolled up towels.  It's worked like a treat.

Horses never cease to amaze me.

The trust Essy put in himself, and in me, both in the journey to hospital, and back again, can not be measured.  It's immense.  I think often we ignore these moments, just taking it for granted that most horses load and travel.   When you know your horse is not 'travel fit' and yet still he follows you up and down the ramp - after having a hole drilled into his head, on the hottest day of the year, surely that must be savored and not ignored.  Surely that is one way of measuring trust?

I for one, am very thankful.