MIRROR MIRROR ...whose in the shadow on the wall?

They say the 3 greatest mysteries of the world are ...

1. air to birds
2. water to fish, and
3. man unto himself!

We spend years in denial about WHO we are; mega bucks trying to look like someone ELSE; get counselling, life coaching or re-birthing to rid ourselves of the person others said we SHOULD be - so it's no wonder we struggle to know whose staring back at us when we look in the mirror!

Then along comes some smart Alec and announces that your horse is a mirror of yourself!  Initially you nod in agreement then later on you stop to think about what that actually means.

We use mirrors to take a good hard look at what we present to the world and what others see when they look at us.  This is not to be confused with us knowing ourselves well, or revealing ourselves fully, to those around us.  What stops us getting close to ourselves or letting others in?  Usually self protection and a dose of long standing habit.  Hence our often defensive reaction when someone criticizes us for something we said, did or how we came across.

We wear masks at work, hide behind our ego at home, hate being judged and live in fear of feedback. Most of us are afraid we will hear what we fear most - whatever that is. In the words of Debbie Ford this is denial at work:

D = Don't

E = Even

N = Notice

I  = I

A = AM

L = Lying

... where the lie is to ourselves!  Feedback only hurts when it hits the spot - a spot that we've been deceiving ourselves about - often for a long time!

When working with clients I'll start by asking them to describe their horse in 5 words or less - often the words they use then crop up again later in conversation as they discuss things about themselves they wish to change. I had a client recently tell me his horse was 'arrogant' and 'domineering'.  Turns out he wanted to work on a key relationship in his life with his son who was resisting doing as the father asked or suggested.  As we talked it became very clear the father was righteous, opinionated and had an answer (or excuse) for everything; much like his horse!

 "When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear" 

I'm suggesting that our horses presence in our lives works in a similar way to the teacher appearing when the pupil is ready i.e. they will be our greatest teacher if we are willing to listen, look deep and learn from them.  Maybe horses mirror and reflect our personality, or maybe they reflect the journey we are on in our growth.  Perhaps both.

Grace has been teaching me for some months now the importance of being assertive, and the skill of clear communication; meaning what I say and saying what I mean.  Solar Sue is teaching me the value of never giving up, accepting where you're at today, and Essy is teaching me the joy of having a renewed purpose.

As we begin the process of self discovery we start to notice more looking back at us from the mirror.  Like peeling back the layers of an onion, the more we work on ourselves the more details come to light. Our growth and awareness is always in reach but like a shadow it is just out of grasp! 

So many of us live with anger but deny it preferring to label it as 'frustration' or, we suppress our desire to fight and scream behind passive-aggressive sarcasm or silence. Others pick up on this pent up anger or silent communication as both speak volumes, even when we continue to deny it.

Next time you are out with your horse on a sunny day, have a "Peter Pan" moment and take a photo of yourself and your shadow. 

Peter's shadow would break away and lure children back to Never land.  What's your shadow's purpose?  Where is your growth dragging you, screaming and kicking?  What experiences and beliefs from your past are still tagging along for the ride today (welcome or otherwise)? How could you 'cut your shadow free' and follow a new path? What path would you take?  Who (if anyone) acts as your 'Wendy' trapping your shadow in a draw ready to re-attach it to you to keep you from escape? Could you break free if you saw it just as a shadow?

Solar, Me & My Shadow August 2013

As a coach it helps to bring humour into the conversation as the tears fall, our defences give way and the person in-front of you begins to be revealed. Growth isn't something to be feared.  Coming to terms with your shadow is just a way of remembering youre past and how much of it we carry with us today, for better or worse.   It helps us to remember and re-connect with who we really are.  Only you should decide who that person is.  If our horses can help us to do that we'll owe them a lot.  

Maybe our horses are the ones who can really see us for who we are! 

Do we recognise that and see them in return, for who they really are? One thing is for sure; horses (unlike us) have no problem it seems looking in a mirror at themselves and no fear of what or who they see looking back at them.... All of my horses seem to find it fascinating.  Imagine how liberating it would be if grown ups found the same pleasure and delight in such a simple act, instead of looking with eyes of comparison, scorn and criticism.

We have a lot to learn from our horses if we are willing, and a lot to like!

To be or not to be.... Direct?

One of the fascinations for me with horses is their honesty.  

 The speed with which they give us feedback.  Their ability to not hold grudges.  Their forgiveness.  Their empathy.  Their selfish ability to put their needs first (spook, run, fidget, shake, snort...).  All of which suggests they are masters at  being 'direct'.

You might prefer to think of 'directness' as assertive, forthright or even selfish or rude.  Any of those might fit.  So do you believe that being direct is a good or bad thing?  Do you strive towards being more of it or run away from it?  Is it a quality to be cherished, nurtured, and developed?  Do we secretly enjoy the bravery of others who are it, but punish them outwardly when they do so?  Do we know when we are doing it and with what impact? Does it suit some situations well and others less so? Can we be discerning enough to know the difference?

In my coaching work, whenever someone asks me if they are being 'too direct' its as if they've asked me if I want honesty or only partial honesty.  Why would I want less than the real thing?   The clue is in the use of the word 'too' direct.  For anything to be too much,  too little, too silly, too childish.... implies we are making a comparison.   So, I like to know what is being compared with what? Or with whom and why?

Most of us struggle to be specific about the 'who' or the 'what'.  We end up swimming in a verbal stream of some people don't like it, you lose friends, it makes you seem undiplomatic etc. etc.  This is probably true.  Yet its also true that we could experience all of that by being not direct enough!

At the end of the day people who are direct often have things to say.  Points of view that might be eye opening.   Passionate feelings about something or someone that could inspire action in others.  They may have a vision that will shift paradigms, or a story to tell that touches the heart.

You've probably guessed that I enjoy the company of people who are direct.  It gives me a quick way to decide how much of my time I want to spend hanging out with them.  If only dating had been that easy or interviewing for a job!

A dose of straight up talking has provided me with the most valuable lessons in my adult life so far.  It's given me the choice to face demons, the chance to dig deep and to keep searching for answers and meaning so I could enjoy more of the good things in life.  Most of all some people are here as 'map makers' they create new territories for others to follow if they chose.  No one is forced to follow or listen, but if the map they creates should fall into our hands I highly recommend we take a look at least!