Enough is Enough or Dont Give Up?

I was enjoying my riding lessons ... until last night!

So what do you do when neither you nor the horse are enjoying yourselves?  Stop, take stock, think through the options and 'get off', or 'kick on'?

Last night - I got off!

I'd arrived on time, handed over my hard earned cash, collected my steed - so far so good.  On leading " Mable " to the menage I suspected a problem when she stopped dead in her tracks and refused to budge.  As I stood there feeling a bit of a burk (in front of a small crowd of onlookers) and trying to think through how I was going to get her to move I had a flash back to riding the donkeys on Blackpool beach as a little girl.  The hardest part was not stopping them, but getting them to move in the first place!

Eventually Mable decided to move her well planted feet and we arrived at the menage.  

I mounted and asked her to walk forwards.  After less than 2 laps of the school in walk I spoke aloud that " I don't think this horse wants to be in here, doing this" - here was a horse that didn't want to put one hoof in front of the other!

The trainer informed me that Mable was 7, and was currently in re-schooling'. 

I asked "Why?" 

I was told that she isn't very forward going.  No shit batman!

Less than 8 minutes into the lesson, I was being told id have to administer a "pony club style kick", and to give her a "good smack with the whip".

This was one of those "moments of truth" that marketing consultants talk about... where the customer has a choice to buy a merchants service or product, or not.  It only took a second for me to reply that I was NOT going to administer a pony club style 'boot' as it was her ribs i'd be kicking.  I'm not willing to do that, I told her that's "just not me".

I decided to give her one smack with the whip.  Her reaction prompted my next decision. She didn't buck or rear or spin.  She simply signaled her clear unhappiness by pinning  her ears back, twisting her neck and humping her back. Enough for me to know this horse didn't want to work. She didn't want to please me or respect me or obey me.  She didn't seem to want to know.  Not that I could blame her - who was I to her?  I'd only just appeared in her life, got on her back and started making requests of her.

For a further lap of the school I found myself thinking weird stuff like "don't give up Deb" and "think your way through this" and "you can ride her, just persist".  With each thought followed another contradictory thought saying "enough is enough"!

I turned into the center of the school and told the trainer "we were done."

It did and yet didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  Big- because we were less than 10 minutes into the lesson.  Big; because of the shocked look on her face.  Not big - because neither the horse nor I were enjoying ourselves. If it isn't enjoyable for either of us why would we carry on?

In those few moments, I realised that as a rider we always have choice.  If we are present and in the moment we can chose for ourselves the right course of action and as long as we are willing to be wrong in the pursuit of what is right, we'll be fine.

Deciding to stop the lesson and dismount will appear wrong to many horsemen and women. Attitudes and beliefs about "not letting her get away with that" will no doubt come to mind. I thought it myself (briefly).  But the thought didn't resonate with me for long, didn't feel like me because the truth is that it isn't how I think.  I didn't own it.  These sort of thoughts are the thoughts and sayings donated to me by others in the horse world, passed on over the years. They don't express my attitude or my beliefs. To me, a horse so unwilling to go forward needs help and understanding.  I'd rather teach her that humans can offer compassion, versus teaching her who is the boss.

My final words to the trainer were simply that " I'm not that kind of person, and I don't want to ride a horse with kicks and whips, that's not why I ride"

When I took Mable back to her stable.  I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of sadness. Once in her stable alone with her, I cried.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  I wasn't even sure why.

Was I picking up on her sadness? Was I crying for all the horses who are repeatedly kicked in the ribs, or whipped to conform? Or was I crying with the realisation that it would have been so easy to follow the trainers instructions and take no responsibility for my own actions.  I would have regretted that but it would have been easy to do, because "kick her" and "make her do..."  is so often the expected thing to do.

It dawned on me that if you know what your intention towards horses are; know why you ride, and what are your limits and boundaries, then I think it makes it compelling and easy to do the right thing for you and the horse, in each moment. 

As our horses would say, "what other moment is there anyway, other than the one we are in right now?" So why not do whatever you can to enjoy it, and let go of 'agenda' or the need to achieve a certain outcome?

Nature AND Nurture - can we have both?

In the wild horses don't chose to be busy! 

W...They epitomise a sedentary life style.

Obvious isn't it?  When somebody puts it in writing (even though we all know) but despite that - "busy" is often what we make our horses lives. We know the reasons why - training, travelling, competing, hacking, washing, grooming, trimming, plaiting, clipping, shoeing, health checks, dentist visits, back checks, tack checks, physio, chiropractic appointments - the list goes on.

During my Parelli lesson today I apologised to Grace for not knowing 6 months ago what I know today.  I often feel guilty that at 8 years of age her life isn't more interesting and varied (aka busy)!

Our Parelli trainer said that she believes horses know when we have a good  intention in our heart and they can forgive us for what we know, and how much we still don't know! (Another reminder that our horses have much to teach us if we are willing to learn).

I hope she is right!

It's easy to beat ourselves up for not always getting it right with our horses and for making their lives so unnatural for them, but why do we do it?

Being a predator partly explains it.  It is in our nature to 'get after' somebody or something if they don't do as we want.  It's in our nature to get stern, turn up the heat, or even use force. We do it to ourselves (in our self talk) and we do it in our human to human relationships.  We read books or go to classes to improve our skills of assertion, influence and negotiation; all very predatory.

Horses learn none of this.  This is not the language of the prey animal.

So to connect with our horses and understand them it helps to remember how differently we think, in order to find a way forward, that honours the two different ways of being: predator and prey (remembering that both have their uses).

"A predator typically victimizes, plunders, or destroys, especially for their own gain." 

A little extreme maybe, but the above goes some way in explaining how some traditional training methods e.g breaking horses in - now viewed as cruel, once took hold.  Being told as a child rider 'not to let him or her get away with something' or 'make them more scared of you ...' etc made sense to us - it is a natural way of thinking for a predator.  When someone or something disappoints us we automatically try to 'teach them a lesson' believing we know best.  We see this play out on a daily basis in how horses are treated and so quickly reprimanded for being 'naughty, arrogant, disobedient' etc, forgetting to consider it may be their prey nature in operation.

Can we un-learn what is in our nature?  Can we un-learn how to be predatory?  With the work of natural horsemanship, Monty Roberts, Parelli, Animal Communicators, Equinicity, and so on, new and different ways of 'being with horses' open up to us.  Each of which takes us a little further away from our predatory nature, to embrace something we can develop and nurture, to sit alongside.

After all, there are many ways to skin a cat and many ways of 'being' with our horse. 

If we stay unconsciously operating at our true (nature) level -  we permit our  predatory behaviour  to rule the roost.  This will keep us disconnected from our horses, at odds, and often feeling like giving up.  In circumstances of high adrenalin the horse needs us to be the leader and we want to be trusted  to be it!  These moments of truth are were our nature will kick in if we haven't been nurturing other options to draw from.

If we embrace the corporate Leadership Model that "Leaders are both born and developed" then we should be actively nurturing the prey way of being along side our predatory nature so that we have both in our tool kit.

This means connecting with like minded folk, reading books or attending courses and demonstrations that feature 'compassion', 'dominion', 'thinking through stress versus emotionally reacting to it'....  

The new agenda of the future with it's  Must Know set of skills for horsemen and women should bridge the 'predator : prey' gap, it must build on the strengths of our human nature, AND nurture the prey qualities of the horse's nature.  

Then our horses can truly partner with us, seeing more of what they like and understand, in their interaction with us.  

Who knows we may even have fewer guilt trips because our horses aren't 'busy'!

Wishes Do Come True...

Last night, a fellow livery friend mentioned she had just been reading 'Essy's wishes' to catch up.

She then said "how much it made her think" which she felt was a good thing.  Specifically she shared with me a change in her own behaviour that resulted from her reading the latest blog.

On arriving at the yard, "instead of going into the stable with the head collar" she said, she decided to "walk in and ask him (her horse) what he would like?"  She then offered him some scratching and the lucky boy was still be scratched as she recounted her tale to me ten minutes later!

I think Essy's wishes is that simple.  His message was 'please see us; a horse - as horses with needs, and feelings, we are not machines, so should be treated accordingly'.  It's so easy to arrive at the stables at the end of the work day, full of purpose and intention to ride, groom, train etc. and miss the important moment to connect first, with  the horse and who he actually is.

'Who is your horse?' can simply mean taking the time to explore what they enjoy?  If every owner, rider, groom approached their horses with the sentiment 'what would you like' today?  Wow! What a shift in energy.  As simple as it sounds, it makes so much sense to invest an 'agenda free' start to your time together with any living creature (or human), and seeing where it takes you both.

As I drove home I reflected on how I could transfer the principle of putting 'others needs first' with my husband, and paying attention to who he is and what his needs might be this evening. 

Once we've connected with our horses why let the journey end there! I'll let you know how that works out!