Being respons-able...

I was thinking of counting up how much I spend on my horses well-being then comparing it to how much I spend on my own well-being.  Tee hee!  Of course the answer is a lot on them, and not much on me!  I'll justify the delta with well thought out excuses such as priorities, and how horses can't provide for themselves, and money doesn't grow on trees etc. etc.

Yet horses do provide for themselves, and do take care of their needs quite naturally, if given the freedom to do so.  How? By responding to their physical, and emotional needs; moment by moment.  This is one of their greatest gifts they offer us, as our teachers, if we are willing to follow their lead.

This is my view of how 'being responsible' (able to respond to one's needs) looks through the eyes of the horse:-

They run when they need to run

They stop running when they have no further need to run

They sunbathe when they can

They huddle up when they want warmth

They seek out company if desired

They eat when the can, as much as they need

They lie down when they want to - not obeying any sleep patterns or time of day 

They have fun and play when they get the urge

They breed if they want to

They nip 'family' disagreements in the bud 
They follow their desires to scratch and groom as needed (see photo below)

Grace and her friend Romi "When needs must"- no time for the rider to dismount - scratching needed now!

Of course horses don't have bills to pay, jobs to hold down, committee positions to fulfil, but for most of us the extent to which we have these duties is optional -mostly we've  chosen to do them, they aren't forced upon us. Even working doesn't have to be for the long hours we habitually perform!

Unlike our horses, most of us are so busy being busy that we forget to look after ourselves.  How do you nurture yourself, what does it mean to you? Does a hot bath and candles once a month really suffice?

What do you crave and dream of?  A time in your life where you can do less or be needed by fewer people? More  quality 'down' time?  An afternoon nap? Fewer chores and tasks to do? Less pressure and obligation? More peace and quiet? Time to think...?

Many of us with horses dream of having more time with them, to enjoy them, watch them graze and chill. It can feel at times as though our horses already understand the importance of 'just being' and are waiting for us to catch on and catch up!

It can be hard to figure out how to live 'metaphorically' like a horse, if they are our teachers.  Never mind incorporate their philosophy into a regular lifestyle for oneself. Living in our constant state of 'busyness' it's not surprising we find ourselves in a mid life crisis at 40, wanting to join a commune, live on a kibbutz, or vanish into some mountainous retreat; all in the name of finding ourselves!

Spotting the signals that we need more self nurturing can be difficult until it's too late. Being hard to spot, in part explains how we get so burnt out and exhausted feeling life is nothing more than an existence with days repeating themselves endlessly and pointlessly.  How do we re-ignite the child-like spark of new imagination and desire, that we had as children?

For starters why not imagine life to be as honest as that of a wild horse?  How might that look? Could you imagine living your life...

- moving about at a consistent pace throughout the day, with less dashing about and manic ticking off of impossibly long 'to do' lists?

- grazing throughout the day on simple food, whats easily available and ready to hand - as and when hungry, a little and often?

- giving yourself permission to snooze when you get home for half an hour before cooking dinner?

- spending time with others only if you want to and it re-charges your energy?
-being more honest about your needs to ourselves and others without seeking approval?

- making an effort to clear out commitments from your diary, creating space to do more of what you want to do?

- dealing with things in the moment and not letting them escalate?

- lighting candles not only when you have time for a bath?

- not being a slave to phones, emails, alerts and texts?

- opening bills only once a week to keep them in perspective?

Finally, we could take lists like the one above, rip them up and put them in the bin.  Then go quiet and ask ourselves the important question... "What would I LIKE to do right now?"  "What do I NEED to do... (or not do) - in this moment?

When we realise that living a responsible life is about being able to respond to our needs, moment by moment (just like our horses) and not fulfiling lists, then we live a more healthy and balanced life. We become less resentful of others, bitter about our jobs, angry about life, responding like a victim or martyr.  Who knows we could become a joy to live with and enjoy life more in the process. 

If you share your life with an animal or pet - watch them for ten minutes as they sleep, rest, play or graze, and feel the nurturing effect of just watching them and taking pleasure from the simplicity of the moment and how for them, it is all there is to do - in that moment!

One of the lessons Grace shared with Margrit is that we all have the kernel of peace inside us and new habits form just like small seeds i.e. from small beginnings.  We already have the answers right in front of us.  Right now I SHOULD be cooking dinner but instead I WANTED to put these thoughts together before attending to domestic duties, so that I am in a better place to do so when I get into the kitchen.

Let's hope its a good decision ....or it's going to be a long evening and a disappointing dinner!

Essy (center stage) with Solar Sue 'chilling'

Nature AND Nurture - can we have both?

In the wild horses don't chose to be busy! 

W...They epitomise a sedentary life style.

Obvious isn't it?  When somebody puts it in writing (even though we all know) but despite that - "busy" is often what we make our horses lives. We know the reasons why - training, travelling, competing, hacking, washing, grooming, trimming, plaiting, clipping, shoeing, health checks, dentist visits, back checks, tack checks, physio, chiropractic appointments - the list goes on.

During my Parelli lesson today I apologised to Grace for not knowing 6 months ago what I know today.  I often feel guilty that at 8 years of age her life isn't more interesting and varied (aka busy)!

Our Parelli trainer said that she believes horses know when we have a good  intention in our heart and they can forgive us for what we know, and how much we still don't know! (Another reminder that our horses have much to teach us if we are willing to learn).

I hope she is right!

It's easy to beat ourselves up for not always getting it right with our horses and for making their lives so unnatural for them, but why do we do it?

Being a predator partly explains it.  It is in our nature to 'get after' somebody or something if they don't do as we want.  It's in our nature to get stern, turn up the heat, or even use force. We do it to ourselves (in our self talk) and we do it in our human to human relationships.  We read books or go to classes to improve our skills of assertion, influence and negotiation; all very predatory.

Horses learn none of this.  This is not the language of the prey animal.

So to connect with our horses and understand them it helps to remember how differently we think, in order to find a way forward, that honours the two different ways of being: predator and prey (remembering that both have their uses).

"A predator typically victimizes, plunders, or destroys, especially for their own gain." 

A little extreme maybe, but the above goes some way in explaining how some traditional training methods e.g breaking horses in - now viewed as cruel, once took hold.  Being told as a child rider 'not to let him or her get away with something' or 'make them more scared of you ...' etc made sense to us - it is a natural way of thinking for a predator.  When someone or something disappoints us we automatically try to 'teach them a lesson' believing we know best.  We see this play out on a daily basis in how horses are treated and so quickly reprimanded for being 'naughty, arrogant, disobedient' etc, forgetting to consider it may be their prey nature in operation.

Can we un-learn what is in our nature?  Can we un-learn how to be predatory?  With the work of natural horsemanship, Monty Roberts, Parelli, Animal Communicators, Equinicity, and so on, new and different ways of 'being with horses' open up to us.  Each of which takes us a little further away from our predatory nature, to embrace something we can develop and nurture, to sit alongside.

After all, there are many ways to skin a cat and many ways of 'being' with our horse. 

If we stay unconsciously operating at our true (nature) level -  we permit our  predatory behaviour  to rule the roost.  This will keep us disconnected from our horses, at odds, and often feeling like giving up.  In circumstances of high adrenalin the horse needs us to be the leader and we want to be trusted  to be it!  These moments of truth are were our nature will kick in if we haven't been nurturing other options to draw from.

If we embrace the corporate Leadership Model that "Leaders are both born and developed" then we should be actively nurturing the prey way of being along side our predatory nature so that we have both in our tool kit.

This means connecting with like minded folk, reading books or attending courses and demonstrations that feature 'compassion', 'dominion', 'thinking through stress versus emotionally reacting to it'....  

The new agenda of the future with it's  Must Know set of skills for horsemen and women should bridge the 'predator : prey' gap, it must build on the strengths of our human nature, AND nurture the prey qualities of the horse's nature.  

Then our horses can truly partner with us, seeing more of what they like and understand, in their interaction with us.  

Who knows we may even have fewer guilt trips because our horses aren't 'busy'!