Enough is Enough or Dont Give Up?

I was enjoying my riding lessons ... until last night!

So what do you do when neither you nor the horse are enjoying yourselves?  Stop, take stock, think through the options and 'get off', or 'kick on'?

Last night - I got off!

I'd arrived on time, handed over my hard earned cash, collected my steed - so far so good.  On leading " Mable " to the menage I suspected a problem when she stopped dead in her tracks and refused to budge.  As I stood there feeling a bit of a burk (in front of a small crowd of onlookers) and trying to think through how I was going to get her to move I had a flash back to riding the donkeys on Blackpool beach as a little girl.  The hardest part was not stopping them, but getting them to move in the first place!

Eventually Mable decided to move her well planted feet and we arrived at the menage.  

I mounted and asked her to walk forwards.  After less than 2 laps of the school in walk I spoke aloud that " I don't think this horse wants to be in here, doing this" - here was a horse that didn't want to put one hoof in front of the other!

The trainer informed me that Mable was 7, and was currently in re-schooling'. 

I asked "Why?" 

I was told that she isn't very forward going.  No shit batman!

Less than 8 minutes into the lesson, I was being told id have to administer a "pony club style kick", and to give her a "good smack with the whip".

This was one of those "moments of truth" that marketing consultants talk about... where the customer has a choice to buy a merchants service or product, or not.  It only took a second for me to reply that I was NOT going to administer a pony club style 'boot' as it was her ribs i'd be kicking.  I'm not willing to do that, I told her that's "just not me".

I decided to give her one smack with the whip.  Her reaction prompted my next decision. She didn't buck or rear or spin.  She simply signaled her clear unhappiness by pinning  her ears back, twisting her neck and humping her back. Enough for me to know this horse didn't want to work. She didn't want to please me or respect me or obey me.  She didn't seem to want to know.  Not that I could blame her - who was I to her?  I'd only just appeared in her life, got on her back and started making requests of her.

For a further lap of the school I found myself thinking weird stuff like "don't give up Deb" and "think your way through this" and "you can ride her, just persist".  With each thought followed another contradictory thought saying "enough is enough"!

I turned into the center of the school and told the trainer "we were done."

It did and yet didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  Big- because we were less than 10 minutes into the lesson.  Big; because of the shocked look on her face.  Not big - because neither the horse nor I were enjoying ourselves. If it isn't enjoyable for either of us why would we carry on?

In those few moments, I realised that as a rider we always have choice.  If we are present and in the moment we can chose for ourselves the right course of action and as long as we are willing to be wrong in the pursuit of what is right, we'll be fine.

Deciding to stop the lesson and dismount will appear wrong to many horsemen and women. Attitudes and beliefs about "not letting her get away with that" will no doubt come to mind. I thought it myself (briefly).  But the thought didn't resonate with me for long, didn't feel like me because the truth is that it isn't how I think.  I didn't own it.  These sort of thoughts are the thoughts and sayings donated to me by others in the horse world, passed on over the years. They don't express my attitude or my beliefs. To me, a horse so unwilling to go forward needs help and understanding.  I'd rather teach her that humans can offer compassion, versus teaching her who is the boss.

My final words to the trainer were simply that " I'm not that kind of person, and I don't want to ride a horse with kicks and whips, that's not why I ride"

When I took Mable back to her stable.  I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of sadness. Once in her stable alone with her, I cried.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  I wasn't even sure why.

Was I picking up on her sadness? Was I crying for all the horses who are repeatedly kicked in the ribs, or whipped to conform? Or was I crying with the realisation that it would have been so easy to follow the trainers instructions and take no responsibility for my own actions.  I would have regretted that but it would have been easy to do, because "kick her" and "make her do..."  is so often the expected thing to do.

It dawned on me that if you know what your intention towards horses are; know why you ride, and what are your limits and boundaries, then I think it makes it compelling and easy to do the right thing for you and the horse, in each moment. 

As our horses would say, "what other moment is there anyway, other than the one we are in right now?" So why not do whatever you can to enjoy it, and let go of 'agenda' or the need to achieve a certain outcome?

How to like yourself more...

Play Time and Tears!

I had a wonderful day hanging out with my three glorious horses.  Twice they raised me to tears just looking at them: such peace in their eyes.

I walked away with an immense feeling that my horses like being horses!  They like being who they are. That may sound a bit of a non event on most days but today it  really hit me that to like being who you are, must be such a gift.  I wonder how many of us can say we feel the same way?

Of course there have been moments in our life when we've felt pleased with ourselves at work for our contribution, at home for our friendship and support to friends or family.  But is that the same?  Does this mean we actually like being human and like being who we are - warts and all, day after day?  If we don't, what would we prefer to be? Until recently I hadn't considered being anything else (except wishing I could run on all fours alongside my new puppy)...

... how great would that feel?

Tonight at the yard a fellow livery and her hubby were doing what looked like 'play lunging' with their two horses.  From inside the barn I could hear their laughter - real belly laughter - and once outside I could see hooves, knees and legs all aloft - as the four of them shared some high jinks together.

What a contrast with another livery's words to me about how 'badly behaved' her old boy had been when he was turned out.  Apparently, once off the lead rope and lose in the field he would kick, buck, tear about and be "unruly".  I wanted to suggest maybe the horse was expressing himself in a moment of happiness and joy.  I sensed she didn't see it that way.

All around us there are people who are happy with themselves and we can see that through their relationship with their horses, if we know what to look for. Others are not so blessed.

It is said that by turning our attention inward to our self that we are able to experience a deeper connection with Life, with God, Nature and beyond.  And, as humans, every relationship we ever have with another exactly mirrors one or more aspects of the relationship we have with our self. 

So, can we learn to like ourselves? Can our horses teach us how? I hope so as Horses are so much closer to nature than we are with all our mod-cons and materialism. 

In his book Messages From Water -  Dr. Masaru Emoto shows the powerful effect that our thoughts and words have on us. In his research he attached written words to containers of water, such as “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “You fool!” Then he froze the water and took photos of the water crystals with a microscopic camera. In addition to using written words, he varied his experiments with thoughts, music and pictures.  This is one of my favourite books which I often take to seminars I'm delivering to help people think about the affect our thoughts have on us.

In every case when there was a positive energy used, whether it was a written word, a verbal statement, or a picture, the photos of the frozen crystals were exquisitely beautiful, as above.

On the other hand, in every case where the stimulus was negative, the crystals were small, misshapen and deformed! This so clearly demonstrates the effects of negativity when we bury ourselves under unkind thoughts, or beliefs about our body, mind, or abilities. 

If our bodies are about 60% water, imagine what happens to the part of us that is water when we are hit with lots of negativity. Whose to say it doesn't have the same debilitating effect on all parts of all our body cells. No wonder we struggle to feel good about who we are on an average day.

Add to this, the famous book, film and industry known as the Law of Attraction which warns us that when cells vibrate with negativity it draws towards us, more of the same.

These two pieces of work are relatively recent.  Not everyone has yet to come across them and their important messages.  Without them we are left floundering under a sea of pressure to be this way or that, taller, smarter, faster, thiner or just better.

So back to play time and tears....

The life of a horse isn't always 'a walk in the park'.  Looking at their 3 basic needs it's a wonder any show happiness to be alive, never mind as a horse.

Food & water: some horses have it, others have too much or insufficient. Many go without vital herbs or nutrients	Most of us can put food on our tables whenever we need it, enjoy lavish meals, detox, diet or fest, stick to the same diet or vary it up
Friendship: some horses spend a lifetime without same species relationships or contact. Family separation is a guarantee, often prematurely	We get to pick and choose our friends real, virtual, local or worldwide.  We also get to stay in touch or switch them out on demand
Freedom: some horses are locked up all day, many can’t pick and choose when they work or what job they do or when to retire	We can move around the Globe, be alone or with others, express ourselves, work for others or create our own work

Next time we notice happiness in a horses expression or stance, or in their love of being able to run about let's wonder why its so hard for us to feel pleased to be who we are when on the face of it, we have so much more.

Let's stop and remember that beyond the 3 x F's, all those other things we long for in life just alienate us further from our true selves, from nature and from a meaningful connection with both, leaving us strangers to ourselves amongst the paraphernalia of a modern existence.

It seems shallow to simply view the needs of a horse as simply the 3 x F's.  It seems unrealistic to compare our ability to like ourselves based on only that as criteria.  To look deeper can be difficult to get our heads around.  To keep it simple and practical here's my own list of the lessons our horses might be trying to pass on to us, to help us learn how to like ourselves!

* they don't judge themselves or others

* they don't seem to set goals and push themselves constantly 
* they live for today and in the moment of now

* they only hold a grudge (in the form of negative associations) with good reason usually fear based

* they probably don't generate negative or positive thoughts - just in the moment awareness

* they aren't likely to compare themselves with other horses abilities, size, shape or luck

* they know how to communicate with each other very effectively without misunderstandings

* arguments are resolved quickly

* they use their energy wisely and avoid being exhausted at the end of the day 

* they don't try to be something they aren't knowing when they are confident and capable or not

* they aren't fickle and don't flit between equine relationships (if allowed the choice)

* they reciprocate touch and scratching when offered 

* they don't appear to have a negative ego like humans and can let go of the need to control

* they don't play emotional games with one another

* they don't lie 

* they know how to have fun and try to do so when the mood grabs them

* they are patient and tolerant of other species

* they are communal by choice preferring to share their world not keep it for themselves

In summary horses appear to be great ambassadors for RESPONSIBILITY.  Not as we are taught at school and at home which manifests more like duty, burden, 'ought' and 'should'.  For horses responsibility simply means 'being able to respond'.  To what?  Their needs.  Moment by moment.  If they need to sleep they doze. If they need to run they run.  If they want to eat they eat.  etc.  The good news is that there is nothing stopping us (people) from having the same approach to our lives.  Most of us (if adult) are not in captivitiy, stabled, told what to do, or when to eat etc.  We are much more like the undomesticated, free roaming horse - able to respond to our needs moment by moment, if we would just give ourselves permission.  Be selfish!  A place of honest intent to be happy by fulfilling our needs which puts us in a better position to help others - human or horse.

I'm sure the list above isn't complete.  However, even as it stands it makes a compelling set of tips on 'how to live our lives in order to like ourselves more'.

With my horses help I will keep digging deeper to explore 'how to like myself more' - but for today this is where my awareness level is at so my musing will have to end for now.