P.S. to what we resist....

I'm pleased to report that I have made it beyond ten hours in my new way of being: CHOOSING  when to worry and when not to!

The result of this morning's 'worry free moment' felt worthy of a quick note to boost self confidence for all of us trying to grow in awareness and make personal change happen....

While hand grazing, Essy and the same horse from earlier this week, wanted to sniff again, over the paddock fence. This time I stood back, loose lead rope and let it happen, feeling calm and relaxed. 

Nothing untoward happened :)

Interestingly after about 5 seconds Essy moved away anyway- so what did I have to worry about after all?!

Later on, the other horse approached us again so I 'kept out of their way, and my own'.

They spent longer sniffing than before and then the other horse offered to scratch Essy's withers!  Such a natural, uncomplicated and loving act, yet this wonderful horse 'grooming gift' would have been missed by all 3 of us if I'd worried and pulled Essy away as before.

If there are rewards for choosing the right course of action, this felt like positive payback for sure!

It is a small step, but every destination is reached by taking a series of small steps, one after another.

Say GOODBYE to my worry head days!

What we resist; persists!

Whether you've come across this expression before or not, when we hear it there is a certain resonance to it - it makes intuitive sense!

What we resist; persists!

If we resist being honest and don't have those 'needed but difficult' conversations in our relationships at home, the need to do so increases.  If at work we continue to 'make do' instead of following our dream job and doing work that we love, our dissatisfaction grows.  Jealousy of others for 'having it easy', 'having fun' 'having plenty'- whatever it might be that makes us resent or judge them, will only compound our own harsh self judgement into more feelings of being useless, worthless, or not good enough.

Today's wake up call was about worry!  I worry - a lot!  

I was grazing Essy. He wanted to approach another horse to say 'hello'. Immediately I braced.  Would they squeal? Would one of them kick out and get hurt? If anything got out of hand would I be able to control the situation? 

They sniffed politely and silently yet still I had to pull Essy away after only seconds, fearful that something could happen.  As I did I found myself apologising to him for being such a kill joy!  That was when I realised that I go through life with a permanent 'worry switch' set to ON, even when I'm chilling out with my horse!

For the first time I began to wonder if worrying so much was normal?  Why did I do it? What did I get out of it?  Where did it come from, and can I stop?  Then I realised this is what I'm always nagging a loved one to STOP doing!  Ouch!

I've been resisting looking at why I worry; as a result I'm awash in it! 

They say "ignorance is bliss!" They may be right! Take for example (and I mean this nicely) - my mum who aged 76, on Sunday lead a horse (Essy) for the first time in her life.  She did it beautifully!  She never stopped chatting to him!  She had no knowledge of the speed with which a horse can spook, take flight, turn on a sixpence, race forwards, pull backwards, dislocate your shoulder or break your fingers in an instant.... which was probably a good thing,  but you can imagine my level of angst on her behalf!

Today, I overheard myself telling a friend on the phone that I've had to call the vet over 13 times year to date!  Why so many issues she asked? Apart from he fact my vet looks like Alfie Boe, I drew a blank -  I had to stop and think!

It seems that until I faced the fact that this level of reason to worry isn't normal, I'd not thought to question it. Worrying has always been at my side - a faithful companion through life: school, exams, work, promotions, moving abroad, public speaking, marriage, becoming a step mum, getting older, etc.

If the line "be careful what you wish for" holds true, then I've given myself exactly what I want in life by having 3 horses.... 3 times the amount of stuff to go wrong and plenty of opportunity to worry. Surely I should be happy in my guaranteed world of worry!

Yet, my recent and sudden jumping lesson has reminded me that being with horses is about fun. Its reminded me what it's like to ride bare back through a river in the fresh summer evening air. Today's realisation has shown me what I now need to work on if I'm to have more fun - i.e. worry less!

As is often the case when we want to grow and be more aware, we first have to learn how to get out of our own way.

Tonight I didn't go to see my horses after work, knowing that my dogs needed my time and attention and that I wanted to write this blog. Amazingly I am doing OK.  The world hasn't imploded.  I don't like missing a night of seeing them and being with them, but I don't feel anxious.  What's changed? One thing: instead of assuming worrying is normal, Ive asked myself " do I need to worry about this, now?"

It seems that just by being aware that I don't HAVE to worry, is liberating me from it.

Worry is a choice, and choices need conscious decisions.  Ill not pretend I don't worry. I'll not avoid it or deny it.  I'll not talk myself into thinking more positively instead. I will however,  chose when I do and don't need to worry.  That way I can be more aware and conscious of how much worry I let into my day instead of being force fed it like a goose for his liver!

I'm only 10 hours in but so far so good!  Long may it last...