Mindful Human and Horses

"Progress is not created by contented people"  

Frank Tyger - American Cartoonist

 ....Perhaps I should feel glad as I am not a contented person!

I remember a friend's words from last year:

 "the problem with the more you know about horses is the more you see!  

The more you see the more you notice any small change that makes you worry, 

whereas those who don't know; don't see and have less to be concerned about".  

She was right!

Tonight Essy was quite.  He stood resting, at the back of his box for most the time I was there.  He had intermittent nose bleeds.  He ate his feed and had occasional snacks on his hay.  The majority of the evening he was not over his door, not engaging and not alert.
 
The three of them have been going out this week into their new field, with fresh grass.  It's been a gradual process, a little longer out there each day.  I have charcoal and physilium husks at the ready in case of signs of scouring, colic or laminitis.

Tonight all three of them had a slight digital pulse in at least 2 if not all 4 legs.  No one was breathing heavily or in a laboured fashion.  Worried about Essy (as the girls seemed their usual inquisitive and bright selves),  I watched Essy closely.  Luckily his mouth was relaxed - hanging bottom lip which I've always dreaded  (it reminds me of shell suits on airplanes), but I do know when he is in pain his muzzle is often tight and pinched in.

Girls full of beans!

I checked Essy's tummy for gurgles, and intestinal activity - all sounded normal and sufficiently noisy.  He was going to the toilet ok too.  He did feel warm to touch, but it was a warm evening and he wasn't sweating.

I took, his temperature, checked for dehydration and checked his gum colour. All seemed normal there too.  His forehead wasn't hot as it had been in January and February on days where he had previously been quiet.  Nor did I pick up any funny sensations in my head of any tension or pain (as I have many times this year when around him).

Sometimes there really isn't much more you can do or check into but that realisation doesn't leave me feeling easy, not at all.

When Essy is quite I pay attention.  I keep looking for signs (good or bad).  I have to think of other possible reasons, explanations or causes.  These are the times where having more than one horse can be helpful.  As a comparison.  Also, it's like having kids - even if you've had a crap day at work, or a row with your spouse, you have to put on a brave face for the sake of the kids.  With horses, I'm finding it's the same.

As I bounce from one stable to another, or work in hand with first one then the other, its important to try to change my energy, clear down any negative feelings etc, and be with each horse, one at a time, present and respectful to each of them, as individuals.

I realised tonight that I could never go back to being on a big yard.

It is so much easier to  'see my horses' when I'm not surrounded by human noise and chit chat.  It is so much easier for the horses to reveal more of their personality, and chose whether or not to engage with me when its quiet and peaceful all around.

Even the time seems to go by more slowly in a small,  quiet environment.  In the past, on a big yard - time seemed to be on 'warp speed' setting!

This past weekend, I found myself reviewing snap shots of my life with my horses; Essy and Minxy in particular.  After 16 years together there are so many memories.

I do have one regret.  I realised it only this weekend.  It is that for so many of those 16 years we've had together so far, I didn't 'see them'.  I didn't see 'who they were'.  Its hard to explain.  Its just that amongst all the riding, polo and endurance - I didn't pay attention to who they were!

I guess its a kin to being married for 15 years and realising you haven't noticed your spouse since you fell in love. You've stopped paying attention to finding out who they are, what they like and don't.

With human relationships we (or at least I) put so much effort and attention into the early stages.  With my horses, Ive realised it's the reverse.  I am only NOW beginning to recognise and understand them and their needs, in our latter time together.  (Maybe it's never too late for couples)!

Some days I believe I might know my horses better than my husband.   I do regret however, the lost years with my horses.  I feel a wretched tightness across my chest at the thought that they have NOT changed. Essy and Minxy were there all along.  Looking out at me.  Waiting for me to see them.

Thank god I am seeing them now.  I know they forgive.  Question is can I forgive myself and live with the reality that we have fewer years ahead (probably) than we have shared so far. 

I am sure many people will tell you that if you only have one day of real connection with a human or an animal it is worth it.  I am sure they are right but I can't help feel immense regret at not being a brighter, more aware, awake horse owner many years earlier than this.

To think that my horses (and yours) wait, so patiently for us to catch up and wake up, is a joy and a heartache all entwined.  How they continue to be so loyal, trusting, patient and TRUE to themselves whilst being largely unseen, is quite beyond me.
 
When loved ones we live with 'don't see us' or marginalise our needs, we often change and usually for the worse.  We withdraw and become distant and aloof.  We end up feeling bitter and hard done to seeking to punish them as a result.  We rebel and nag or tease, geode or all of the above.  We change our behaviour and do things to get noticed including having affairs, drinking, gambling, squandering money etc. We rarely remain TRUE to ourselves.  We find it hard to patiently wait for that other person to wake up and see us again. 

Our loyalty and good nature is usually the first thing to go down the pan!

Not so with our horses.  Isn't that amazing?  How many other relationships in life can we have an experience like that with? 

"For the most part, I do the thing which my own nature prompts me to do. 

It is embarrassing to earn so much respect and love for it"    

Albert Einstein

With special thanks to the Mindful Horse on Facebook for the great photos included in this blog.