A Table For Two!

"to make use of clever and indirect methods to achieve something!"

Does this describe one of your goals as a horse rider.....(or human)?  It is the definition of SUBTLETY.

If it does, then like me, you have realised the importance of subtlety as a powerful aid in effective communication with your horse!

It's a recent discovery for me and just one of the many valuable life lessons and outcomes from my riding lessons with Mario.

As I am learning to 'do less' with Grace (in the saddle), and to STAY OFF my hands, Mario shared an important principle using the following analogy:

SCENARIO 1

- Imagine being in a restaurant with a friend or family member.  You are a table of two.

- Next to you are four tables, merged together for a group party of 16!

- As the evening gets going your next door neighbours - a large gang, get more and more loud, gregarious, boisterous and 'in everyone's space'.

How do you feel?  
How do you respond?  
How enjoyable is the evening for you?

1. Most of us quickly get irritated by the volume coming from the next table.
2. We get angry at the distraction AND with their behaviour.
3. Our good humour disappears!
4. Our enjoyment and positive memories of the evening is negative!

Now imagine a different scene...

SCENARIO 2

- Imagine being in a restaurant with a friend or family member.  You are a table of two.

- Next to you is a table also for two people.  A man and a woman take their place there.

- The man and woman, reach out across the table and hold hands.  Perhaps he caresses her hand.  They look at each other intently with steady eye contact that shuts out everyone else.

- They talk quietly almost in whispers.  They appear locked into a private world. 

How do you feel?
How do you respond?
How enjoyable is the evening for you? 

1. Most of us become curious!  We notice!  We wonder what is the story here?  Are they having an affair?
2. We respond by also becoming quiet.  We respect their space and almost mirror it. We try to listen in - it becomes a goal, to actually hear who are they? What is going on?
3. We pay close attention as we try to work it all out.
4.  It adds to the fun and positive memories of our evening, as we muse, pay attention and strain to hear every clue!  We might even chat about it hours later after we paid the bill and left!

Most of us can relate to both scenarios.  The question is can our horse?

What if, the more effective way to communicate with our horse is through the use of subtlety, as in Scenario 2 above! Meaning quiet riding, stillness in the saddle,  doing "less" in order to gain more of our horses attention?  Which would be most likely to give our horse a positive association,  'subtle riding' or loud, boisterous, 'in their space' riding? 

Would subtlety work?

With Grace subtlety is very effective. Keeping her attention can be challenge numero uno!  When I am riding her on my own, I implement a strict 6 second rule whereby I ask for something new every 6 seconds: be that a change of rein, a circle, a half halt, transition, etc, just something!  It definitely helps keep us together and keeps me very in the moment!

As Grace and I spend more time with me in the saddle Mario introduces new concepts to take my learning deeper.  What's great for me is that so much of his insight applies equally to the world of work and home as it does to the menage and stable.

This week, Mario introduced to me the use of SUBTLETY for helping Grace to pay attention. (Notice how his focus is on helping the horse to do XYZ.   I could just as easily have written " for getting Grace to listen" but then the focus would have been on me and doing (to get) which usually means 'force' instead of putting her needs first and playing to her strengths).

What I admire so much in Mario's teaching is his consistent relentless reliance on NO VIOLENCE! He does not want to see a rider kick, jab, poke, whip a horse ever!  Thank god and what a contrast to that lesson I had last summer when told to deliver a "pony club style boot in the ribs" to a lovely misunderstood horse. (See post: Enough is enough; or don't give up).

By being quiet and light and small in our movements and gestures with our horse,  we prick his/her curiosity and attention as he/she has to concentrate to hear us and so can tune in more.  Much as in restaurant scenario 2, with the quiet couple next door.

If you're not convinced imagine the reverse scenario.

Imagine the horse equivalent of Scenario 1 above, where the humans are loud, brash, cumbersome, in your space!  When we ride with force, nagging legs, pulling hands, gripping legs and bracing backs isn't it possible we simulate the equivalent of 'being too in our horses space and face'?  Isn't it plausible that a sentient being such as a horse could feel irritated, angry, bored, fed up, misunderstood by such riding?  Is it any wonder that the same horse could tune out, become dead to the leg, unresponsive?

Of course some trainers (the unenlightened) will describe this as the horse being lazy, or in need of re-schooling etc. but I'm willing to bet 50% of the time (or more) it is actually a case of the rider needing to be MORE subtle and LESS loud!

Is subtlety and quiet more in keeping with the nature of the Horse?

I believe so.  I am sure behaviouralists will agree.  The horse is such a naturally quiet animal.  No purring, barking, growling, just quiet most of the time.

Surely logic alone says that meeting the horse on the horses' terms (playing to it's natural abilities) using subtlety not volume is likely to be more readily understood and attractive to our horse?

The fact that such subtlety comes from a mindset that is the opposite of domination means it has the added advantage of being more respectful, by definition.  (Another important concept taught by Mario).

So, if  subtlety based on respect, brings attention from our horse and requires us to be present too, just maybe the two of us can become more connected just as we saw in our diner scenario 2!  Only this way, we both get to enjoy dinner with positive memories and emotional associations for next time!