It Takes 2 to Tangle!

Horses and Humans are reaction machines!  

 

Recently my young horse Grace and I have been getting our knickers into a proverbial knot when working on the lunge and doing our parelli game of the 8 shape around obstacles.  This got me wondering what I need to do differently.  How and why have we been getting into this predictable pattern of speed and adrenalin and how can we get out of it? 

The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult horse or difficult situation is to react - to act without thinking.  This goes something like this...

Option No. 1: Meet Fire with Fire!

When Grace decides to do cartwheels on the lunge line or gallop round me doing her 'wall of death' impression - it's tempting to 'give her a taste of her own medicine' and say 'go on then if you want to run - let's see you move', and chase after her.   The only problem is that I don't want her injured, I can't hold onto 689 kilos of horse and neither of us learn anything of value in the process. 

Grace has taught me that escalation is rarely a helpful strategy! 

Option No. 2: Give in!

Deploy the opposite strategy and give in!  However, this feels like being held to ransom in a negotiation as the bad guy who won't say 'yes' to the deal on the table!  Giving in usually results in an unsatisfactory feeling in your gut the next day.  Worse it can reward and reinforce your horse's unwanted behaviour and cement you as being a "push over".

Giving in 'just this once' rarely works long term.  If every interaction with our horse is a training session - the question becomes who is training whom?  Grace is teaching me how NOT to be an appeaser,  to not give up now and HOPE it'll all be better tomorrow!'

(Note to self: an appeaser is someone who keeps throwing a tiger a steak, believing the tiger will eventually become a vegetarian)!

Option No. 3: Cool off!

A third reaction is to break off relations, walk away, have a mutual 'cool down' period.  The more I try to find that elusive space called the 'present' the more I am able to chose this option before deploying either of the other two, above!

I have found that 'coming back another day' is an appropriate strategy some days especially if other horses also seem to be wound up with something clearly 'in the air' adding to their distraction.

It is also useful if I need to assess what I had asked of Grace and was it reasonable?  Cool off may not mean back to the stable we go, but it can mean 'do something else' before returning to the original task in hand.

On the few occasions where I have cooled off by putting Grace literally back in her stable (usually accompanied by feelings of anger or deflation),  I've regretted it.  Leaving things without giving it a chance hasn't worked for me.   All it guarantees is that I haven't taken the time to work out her behaviour or its cause, and 'starting back over again' next time out, is mentally exhausting.  Not having enough physical time to be with our horse (working to an agenda or tight time line) can reinforce this as an unhelpful reaction.

So where does this leave us? 

According to Newton's Law 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' - but this applies to objects not minds.  Minds can chose how we react!

To find the mental space needed for our minds to chose a reaction between cause and effect; stimulus and response I recommend we look to the opera!

In my work as a sports coach I help people find ways to step back, collect their wits, and see the situation objectively.  So, as soon as it all starts to go wrong with your horse, imagine that you are on a stage.  Then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage.  (The "balcony" acting a metaphor for rising above the situation).  From the balcony you can calmly evaluate whats going on, think deliberately and identify possible next steps and solutions.  It allows us to move away from our natural impulses and emotions of reaction.  It keeps us present and mindful.

Watching a new trainer work with Grace last week was a great reinforcement of three important MUST DO's for me to follow BEFORE I react to anything she throws my way. Three things that will help us break out of our current pattern of high speed triple salchows!

MUST Do No. 1) Be Black and White! 

How I ask something is just as important as what I ask.   Ask or don't ask!  When I get a try - stop asking or it sounds like I'm nagging.  If I don't get what I asked for then ask again.  I have to communicate using my whole body, as tone, facial expressions and body language are more important than words.

MUST Do No. 2) Say 'YES' as often as I can!

Yes is a magic word in untangling!  It means acknowledgement. It gives validation and recognition for what is going on for my horse, in that moment.   "Yes that was a nice try" "Yes you can run but do you want to..." "Yes I do mean it".  "Yes, that's the trot I wanted, thank you" etc.  Bottom line SAY YES AS OFTEN AS I CAN!

MUST Do No. 3) Follow the bible Dictum:

 "be quick to hear what the horse is showing you, be slow to speak and slow to act"

Give it time.  Our new trainer has a 12 minute rule.  After which if things aren't going to plan its time to re-think!   Grace didn't need the 12 minute rule to come into play and I was both relieved and surprised.  With me, she tends to stone wall me!  Meaning she tests constantly what I'm asking of her, checking if I'm for real!  Now I can see that by convincing her in as short a period of time as possible she stops challenging me about "if I mean what I'm saying"!

Being aware of progress, watching what she was offering us, judging nothing, and taking the time to stay with it - all proved to work for both Grace and her fan club - me and her new trainer!

It seems easy to find ourselves in a tangle with our horse.  It isn't always easy to untangle.  Find your 'go to the balcony' (or equivalent) and pay close attention to what your current habits are, in order to de-mystify the cycle of reaction you find yourself in, to break free, and to find another way.

Related Blogs:

How to Be Present

Do Horses Understand Us?

Enough is Enough or Dont Give Up?

I was enjoying my riding lessons ... until last night!

So what do you do when neither you nor the horse are enjoying yourselves?  Stop, take stock, think through the options and 'get off', or 'kick on'?

Last night - I got off!

I'd arrived on time, handed over my hard earned cash, collected my steed - so far so good.  On leading " Mable " to the menage I suspected a problem when she stopped dead in her tracks and refused to budge.  As I stood there feeling a bit of a burk (in front of a small crowd of onlookers) and trying to think through how I was going to get her to move I had a flash back to riding the donkeys on Blackpool beach as a little girl.  The hardest part was not stopping them, but getting them to move in the first place!

Eventually Mable decided to move her well planted feet and we arrived at the menage.  

I mounted and asked her to walk forwards.  After less than 2 laps of the school in walk I spoke aloud that " I don't think this horse wants to be in here, doing this" - here was a horse that didn't want to put one hoof in front of the other!

The trainer informed me that Mable was 7, and was currently in re-schooling'. 

I asked "Why?" 

I was told that she isn't very forward going.  No shit batman!

Less than 8 minutes into the lesson, I was being told id have to administer a "pony club style kick", and to give her a "good smack with the whip".

This was one of those "moments of truth" that marketing consultants talk about... where the customer has a choice to buy a merchants service or product, or not.  It only took a second for me to reply that I was NOT going to administer a pony club style 'boot' as it was her ribs i'd be kicking.  I'm not willing to do that, I told her that's "just not me".

I decided to give her one smack with the whip.  Her reaction prompted my next decision. She didn't buck or rear or spin.  She simply signaled her clear unhappiness by pinning  her ears back, twisting her neck and humping her back. Enough for me to know this horse didn't want to work. She didn't want to please me or respect me or obey me.  She didn't seem to want to know.  Not that I could blame her - who was I to her?  I'd only just appeared in her life, got on her back and started making requests of her.

For a further lap of the school I found myself thinking weird stuff like "don't give up Deb" and "think your way through this" and "you can ride her, just persist".  With each thought followed another contradictory thought saying "enough is enough"!

I turned into the center of the school and told the trainer "we were done."

It did and yet didn't seem like a big deal at the time.  Big- because we were less than 10 minutes into the lesson.  Big; because of the shocked look on her face.  Not big - because neither the horse nor I were enjoying ourselves. If it isn't enjoyable for either of us why would we carry on?

In those few moments, I realised that as a rider we always have choice.  If we are present and in the moment we can chose for ourselves the right course of action and as long as we are willing to be wrong in the pursuit of what is right, we'll be fine.

Deciding to stop the lesson and dismount will appear wrong to many horsemen and women. Attitudes and beliefs about "not letting her get away with that" will no doubt come to mind. I thought it myself (briefly).  But the thought didn't resonate with me for long, didn't feel like me because the truth is that it isn't how I think.  I didn't own it.  These sort of thoughts are the thoughts and sayings donated to me by others in the horse world, passed on over the years. They don't express my attitude or my beliefs. To me, a horse so unwilling to go forward needs help and understanding.  I'd rather teach her that humans can offer compassion, versus teaching her who is the boss.

My final words to the trainer were simply that " I'm not that kind of person, and I don't want to ride a horse with kicks and whips, that's not why I ride"

When I took Mable back to her stable.  I was overwhelmed by a deep feeling of sadness. Once in her stable alone with her, I cried.  I couldn't hold back the tears.  I wasn't even sure why.

Was I picking up on her sadness? Was I crying for all the horses who are repeatedly kicked in the ribs, or whipped to conform? Or was I crying with the realisation that it would have been so easy to follow the trainers instructions and take no responsibility for my own actions.  I would have regretted that but it would have been easy to do, because "kick her" and "make her do..."  is so often the expected thing to do.

It dawned on me that if you know what your intention towards horses are; know why you ride, and what are your limits and boundaries, then I think it makes it compelling and easy to do the right thing for you and the horse, in each moment. 

As our horses would say, "what other moment is there anyway, other than the one we are in right now?" So why not do whatever you can to enjoy it, and let go of 'agenda' or the need to achieve a certain outcome?