My 3 Communication Ingredients

Are you receiving me loud and clear?

The purpose of communication and communicating is to be understood, right?  Meaning to get your message across AND in the way you INTENDED!  

When you think about that - just how easy is it to be accurately understood, just as you intended 100% of the time?  What about 50% of the time?  Truth is its hard to achieve some of the time, never mind all of the time!  So much  can go wrong, just think about how often we misread an email, text or what's app message, or have others misread ours!

Given that between human beings communication often results in us being misunderstood, mis-represented, not listened to, or not believed.... what can we do to increase our chances of getting our views and needs across accurately and consistently?

Studies carried out in the 1960's suggest that in order to effectively get our message across we need to use 3 ingredients, in unison:

words + tone of voice +  facial expressions ...

- they must all convey the same message at the same time!

Malhrabian Studies

So, if  you say the words "that sounds exciting" but you look bored and use a dull, flat tone of voice - chances are you wont convince anyone that you meant what you said!  The other person's response, (always the true test of if we have been understood as intended), is that we get a reaction that can be aggressive, hurt or out to kill us! 

"You're just saying that" or "You're not even listening to me" - etc etc.  Sound familiar?  

In reality it is hard to get all three ingredients together in the right quantity, at the right consistency and at the right time.

So turning to human and horse communication, how do we begin to communicate with them?  Is it more difficult or easy?  Are there 3 ingredients and if so are they the same?

I think communicating with horses entails:

Intention + Tone of Voice + Facial expressions + Breathing 

Plus a dose of good timing = the Communication Recipe!

My personal teacher about how to communicate with my own horses is of course the horses themselves! From them I have learned that in order to follow the above recipe you do in fact need 3 key ingredients and the first is:-

1. ) Vary your communication to suit the needs of each horse!

It's a bit like deciding "do i phone my friend to talk this topic through?'  "Do I email my thoughts to her or do I wait till I'm face to face with her?"  Which will give me the best shot at avoiding misunderstandings?

Take my three horses.  Grace does not respond to pressure or force.   The more pressure and force you apply the more resistance she throws at you.  Essy needs to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean and will spot any weakness in your point of view! He has a very strong sense of 'what is fair' and what is not and will let you know in an instant.  Solar Sue will oblige providing it aligns with what she was planning to do anyway!

Regarding ingredient number 2....

When I would like to ride Grace I have a 50/50 chance that she agrees it's a good idea!  On the days she doesn't feel like it she'll back up as I put one foot in the stirrup, go forwards or swing her hind end away from the mounting block.  As I am only 5" 4 and she is 17.1/2 hh I don't have the leg length to mount from the floor so this 'dance' can go on for quite some time! On occasions I have given up (sometimes in tears).

With some reflection and with some renewed perspective, I see that such moments are there to remind me I have choices about how to respond.  Ingredient number 2...

2. ) Chose your response!

To keep things simple, when Grace doesn't want me to mount her, and before the tears well up in me, and I feel all helpless I have two basic choices available to me (there may be more, but lets work with two for now):

Choice 1

Be firm! MAKE her stand still so I can mount

In other words dominate, use pressure, force, whatever it takes to get what i want.  That is certainly one way of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, but is it communication?  Is it both parties listening to each other, and hearing each other?  For me the answer is no!  It is ONE party over riding the others views.  In my book that's the mark of a bully!

For some people that might be an acceptable communication style.  For some horses it might be acceptable, especially if they are emotionally 'shut down'.

For me, its not acceptable with my horses.  It certainly hasn't  proved to be acceptable for Grace either as 2 of my 3 unplanned dismounts have been within seconds of me mounting her, against her (clearly expressed) wishes - if only I'd been listening to her, instead myself!

Choice 2

Listen and seek to understand, not be understood!

Stephen Covey in his work on 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, focuses on 'seeking to understand (others)' - 'before being understood' (by them). It reverses the focus and is a powerful concept following the principle of putting your audiences needs above your own.

With Grace, this can mean taking however long it takes for us to find an understanding, to reach a level of true communication, so that I can mount.

The truth is that every time Grace moves away as I mount she's saying "I'm not ready to have you on my back".  She is clearly communicating 'no thanks' or 'not now' or something along those lines.  If I chose to show I'm listening to her, really listening then I'll be willing to not ride at all that day, take her and do something else and come back to try mounting again later, or vary the way in which I make my request, (ingredient number 1).

I like to also remember that there are consequences for pushing on with my message, and refusing to listen to my audience (Grace).  As just mentioned, 2 of my 3 falls have been within seconds of mounting her when she made it very clear she wasn't 'ready'!   What better example of consequence is there?

In terms of impact on me those falls have equated to an adverse impact financially (if I can't work), physically (i.e. pain)  and emotionally (i.e. confidence loss), all in one misread communication!

That sure made me wake up to smell the roses!

Ingredient number 3:

3. ) Think through consequences and impacts of your communication!

If I persist in mounting there and then by using force and shoving Grace in the menage corner, or getting someone to hold her still so I can get on, I'm showing her that   "I'M NOT LISTENING", "I DON'T UNDERSTAND " or  " I don't want to understand her needs and feelings"

For sure choice number 2 is fraught with frustration - just as anytime when when we can't get our point across, at work or home, or can't get our own way.

I admit it won't necessarily produce quick results in the short term, compared to those how have more time in the saddle because they choose option 1 and 'made' it happen.

However, I believe that longer term the benefits of following choice number 2 (with Grace) are numerous: more trust, more mutual respect and more willingness to work as a team.  Not to mention more personal safety!

Maybe ultimately that gets you to the same end goal as other riders have, just from a slower starting point.  We shall see, and I'm certainly no expert in these matters, but I sense my horses are!

Reminds me of the Hare and the Tortoise story

In summary, my 3 x C's for effective human and horse communication go like this:

Communicate differently with each horse you work with; respecting them as individuals

Choose your response, don't just react, to unsuccessful communication or frustration

Consider consequences and impacts of your communication so you pursue your point of view wisely

I have found myself many times, standing at the mounting block for half an hour waiting for Grace and I to be in sync and in agreement about me getting on, now, today.

I have gone home at the end of a long work day, in tears unable to mount my horse and unable to have my riding time, while everybody else seemingly is! (Pity party time)! 

I have got in a right strop and stomped back to the stable to put Grace away in disgust showing no compassion and fueled by embarrassment and feelings of defeatism.

I now know, that in those moments I need to STOP!   I need to assess the situation and THINK about what I do next, and NOT what  I want?

I have learned NOT to be driven by my watch, my "I only have 40 minutes before I have to go" excuses that justify me making a bad choice of how to communicate.

I have learned that being safe, and being smart and preserving the relationship is far better than a 30 minute ride, wondering with every stride, at what moment she's 'going to let me have it as payback for choosing option 1 above!!  

Payback from a 17.1hh warm blood with attitude has resulted in me being in A&E and whatever 'urgent' appointment I had that made me chose unwisely  - was missed anyway! Big picture not little picture is the name of the game and one well worth remembering, in my experience.

Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil ... can lead to some wrong choices!

Think about what we say, read and do and all those times were being silent or doing nothing won't be of help and won't lead to an improvement!

It is easy to be critical.  It is also easy to read something without paying any attention to what is actually written.   This can result in us getting swept along in a tide of attractive words to suddenly find ourselves way out of our depth or lost at sea, heading the wrong way!

What am I talking about?   This post is my own 'wake up' call to read materials carefully and to really consider what is being said and sometimes more importantly what is NOT being said, but SHOULD be said!

This post is about words, how easily we use them and how carelessly we read them.  It has been prompted by a  Face book page I came across this week, promoting a Natural Horsemanship Competition taking place in the UK, this weekend.  It's called Horseman's Calling. It's strap line (which I assume, like all marketing strap lines are meant to be, is a claim, benefit or intention) in this case reads.... "For the Good of the Horse".

I went onto their website page to find out more about the event.  As I read the description on the "About us" page, I began to question if what I was reading was providing me with compelling evidence that the event would be 'living' up to its' strap line, and if so,  exactly how?

My conclusion was no! Here's why:

I don't believe the event is selling what it advertises in terms of being "for the good of the horse".  

I do believe it has the intention of bringing together people interested in the terms 'Natural Horsemanship'.  

I fear it may deliver a single minded, and already out of date view of what 'natural horsemanship' is and can be.

To me it just isn't selling what it advertises, in fact the horse and what's good for it, hardly seems to feature.  

   

I will now be very boring and spell out exactly how I came to this conclusion. 

Below are several sentences taken from the Event website.  I have written down at the side of each one, the questions or disagreements it raised or posed for me as I read them.

As you read the statements, do you see what I see, or do you see something else?  I have no idea if my reactions are correct.  Sadly, I couldn't attend the event to find out first hand, as I've not been free this weekend to go.

In general, I believe it is often more honourable to criticise something when you've been, seen, heard and actually experienced it for yourself, so I did not publish this post BEFORE the event took place as that seemed a little unfair, and I have no desire to rain on their parade, just to help us open our eyes and think about what events like this are really offering and actually presenting us with.

The opening text form the landing page of Horseman's Calling reads:

"Horseman's Calling is a unique competition and test of horsemanship skills, plus an amazing series of demonstrations, aiming to provide education and entertainment. Run over two days the competition is the ultimate test of natural horsemanship".

Our planet is full of examples in nature of animals competing against one another for food, mates and survival.  Humans too fight for wealth, dominance, power, love, a mate, religion, beliefs, freedom etc,.  So the words Natural and Competition in the same sentence easily go unnoticed as we read these words whilst on 'auto-pilot'.  We recognise the words, their existence in life today and thereby we accept their presence in the same sentence.  We read them and our inner voice goes .. "oh yeah, ok, sounds great", without any thought to the meaning of what's really being said.

People say 'the devil is in the detail' so the table below outlines 14 sentences on the Event website that I believe contradict the event being about "the good of the horse".  Here they are:

“A unique competition and test of horsemanship skills…”	Do horsemanship have to be about ‘skills’ and ‘tests’? Haven’t we evolved beyond that by now?  Why can’t we learn a skill, observe it in action, teach it to others and advance it without  tests which creates winners and losers, competition and comparison?
	Surely every time we seek to test and prove ourselves, to someone,  we are being driven and trapped into behaviours that our ego desires, fuelled by needs such as showing off, achieving recognition,  fame, fortune or at least a few fans to boost our damaged self esteem!
	I wonder if this sentence fits within the definition of horsemanship?  Penn State College of Agricultural Science believe it to be about (and I quote) "a planned progression of horse handling and riding skills, with an emphasis on safety and eduction, not competition"!
"Aiming to provide an education and entertainment..."	This brings to mind images of clowns throwing custard pies! Putting education and entertainment together feels a little disrespectful.  I see nothing wrong in having some fun as we learn but it doesn't say that.
"The ultimate test of natural horsemanship..."	That's a big claim! It's also very limiting.  Is it suggesting that there can be no greater test?  That has to assume we have learnt all there is to learn right? Wrong! We've only just begun our journey with the horse in relative terms of how much we actually know and perceive.
	I have no idea what legitimate role 'tests' have in the arena of natural horsemanship.  We don't test women for natural childbirth - can you imagine "sorry love that bit when you stopped breathing - can you do it again but this time..." or "good effort; better luck next time" or "sorry, baby has to go back in you didn't pass on this occasion"!!
	The only people who love 'tests' are the ones who come up with them, or the cocky sods who think they'll pass! As if life is about passing MAN MADE tests!
"extra twists to challenge the trainers"	Is this about for the 'Good of the horse' or a game of Indiana Jones?  So far, the horse, his well being, his spirit or nature hasn't been mentioned.  Yet I thought that was at the heart of natural horsemanship.
	My inherent dislike for 'challenging trainers' is that it encourages the ego.  It's promotes nothing more than a game of who is better or the best. When in the moment of a challenge, not many people can step back, observe, think new thoughts, break new ground and listen.  Most resort to 'technique-ing' their way out of the situation.  This is not promoting the future of the industry or the horse.  We need to be careful of such habits.
"this.... event will be presented by industry experts"	Interesting appearance of the word 'industry'.  I'm not sure I want to think of my relationship with my horse as an 'industry'.
	Anyway, who are these 'experts' and who appointed them as such? What criteria was used in that decision making process?  How transparent are we being here about the heroes and gurus pro porting to be experts?
	Industry is about goods and services, and charging for them. If there really is an industry for Natural Horsemanship - what would it say on the tin? I hope making money and selling the event isn't the primary focus here! If we do want an 'industry' behind us then let's hope it's first role is to set some standards and governance in place so that gurus aren't simply those with magnetic smiles and lots of war stories!
	Substance not form is what we need in the horse world.  We have enough gadgets and training methods, which fit beautifully into an industry but not into developing inter species relationships (in my view).
"...we hope to grow... and involve as many different countries, trainers and methods..."	This suggests the event is about people more than horses.  About training not understanding. About methods not an experience!  I'd have felt it was more in line with it's promise (strap line) if it has said something like: "we hope to grow our understanding of the nature of horses, by working with horses of all backgrounds, sizes, types and ages, so that through a joint experience and observation, we can collectively leave with a desire to continue to learn about, and not assume we know best, when it comes to our horses' needs".

“…we hope to grow…. and involve as many different countries, trainers and methods…”	In my experience different trainers and methods tend to contradict one another, -       I am worried that 'different trainers' could end up with nothing more than a variety of chaps, belts, tassel's, accents and silly hats - each with a book to flog, leaving the audience confused about the best way with their horse!
“…well known established trainers the chance to show and prove their skills…”	-     What does the audience get out of this? Where is the focus on stepping out of existing comfort zones and exploring new terrain?  To take our thoughts and understanding beyond where it is today is surely how we’ll get closer to ‘the good of the horse’! -     I don’t warm to horse events that focus on the human proving something about what they can ‘do’ with or to a horse, versus what the human is learning, and what the horse's experience of it all is like. -      Wouldn’t it be wonderful if an audience of a couple of hundred spent a half-day quietly observing horses in nature, in a pasture, being horses, and then contemplating and discussing what they noticed and how that could advance our thinking about them ‘for the good of the horse’?
“…all for the good of the horse…”	-     140 words into the website and 10 lines down before we see mention of the event being about the "good of the horse".  Why doesn’t this (its’ apparent focus) feature earlier and lead the entire event description? -      So far, it’s not been a feature and as a result I still don’t know how it’s going to be achieved.
“…be tasked with starting two young horses…”	The word ‘tasked’ is interesting.  It can conjure up an expectation of ‘doing’ ‘trying’ ‘effort’ ‘accomplishing’.  Is that how we want to describe ‘natural horsemanship’?    -      Surely Natural Horsemanship should have at its core – words like ease, effortless, simple, honest, pure, comfort etc.? -     If we see things as tasks we’ll only ever try to ‘get them done’ and a relationship with a horse isn’t something we can tick (or check) off on our daily list of ‘to do’s’.   -
“… challenges devised to showcase the talents of the trainer...”	-      I’d like to watch trainers learning about a horse, not applying their particular method.  You see if we each have a hammer, we go around looking for a nail!   I’m interested in developing my own ability to learn about horses, unlearn some knowledge I may carry that is flawed, and be able to apply the art of learning into new situations with horses. A given gadget or method simply won’t work all of the time with all of the horses and for all of the people. -      How many of us will get long lasting value by watching someone do his or her ‘pre-determined’ thing?  When others do that, how ‘in the moment’ are they?  Are they awake, listening to the horse in front of them in that moment?  Some might be but many wont’ as they are too focused on what comes next in their process!  I fear that well-known horsemen are under pressure to stick fiercely to their process or system as that’s what the crowds have come to see!  Where is the focus on the horse in that dynamic?
“Don’t miss your chance to witness the ultimate natural horsemanship…”	-     That’s a strong claim!  It feels arrogant because I hope that we are not yet at the pinnacle of all our knowledge about horses and horsemanship. I suspect we are only at the beginning.  We have so much more to learn.  Much more learning and un-learning to realise!  To think otherwise is arrogant, boring and uninspiring (to me)!
“…who will rise to the challenge…”	-      These are words that are full of comparison and competition.  i.e. Ego driven.  It is the subliminal language of winners and losers.  I suspect the real losers could be the horses even those in the hands of the winners! -      It’s hard to learn, grow and advance when you are put into a competition mode. If the trainers aren't there to learn - they won't be present.  If they aren't present they are unlikely to be connected with, and focused on the horse. Be definition the real challenge is lost.
“Each individual trainer or clinician works with the horses' welfare”	-      This is the first and only time the words ‘horses’ welfare’ appear and it is 3 sentences from the end, not the beginning! It can’t be the real focus therefore. -     I am curious about why the word ‘clinician’, which has suddenly appeared and I presume is to add some claim of status, legitimacy or authority to the event. A clinician “is a health care practitioner that works as a primary care giver of a patient in either a hospital setting, pre-hospital setting, clinic setting…” Is that relevant here? Is that really what they wanted to say?   Ironically, maybe it is. Many domesticated horse are already 'hospitalized' (metaphorically speaking), on box/bed rest, with limited choice of diet, pulled, prodded and probed by others without choice. If that is part of our reality today, with our horses, what a great opportunity to open our eyes to that and to collectively, without judgement, seek ways to change it? -

Bottom line I think the text has been written very well by a wonderfully energetic, enthusiastic wordsmith.  However, it has not been written to target an audience of sentient beings who have a deep understanding of the needs of a horse or a passion to further that understanding. 

In my opinion, it has not been written with an agenda that actually delivers on it's promise "for the good of the horse".  It is teaming with language that focuses on humans, not horses.  On tests, challenges, twists and other clever sounding words that detract from learning, understanding, compassion, connection and relationship building.

To me, it is not written with a connection to 'natural horsemanship' or at least my view of what natural horsemanship could be about if we allowed ourselves (all of us) to imagine we can think beyond today's modern thinkers.

It could have been written by anyone. So I imagine 'anyone' will attend.  Their motives for doing so?  I don't know.  Boredom, somewhere to go, to be entertained without responsibility?  Any of the above are cruel sounding and yet probable and possible.

That's the wonderful thing about paying attention to language and words, written or spoken - it can open up so many more conscious choices for us, raise questions and help us to think about our expectations.  Ultimately, this enables us to make better decisions and use our precious time and money wisely!

Rather than be a total kill joy, my motive behind this post is about wanting to take more responsibility for the things I follow, ensuring it really is doing what it pro ports to do so that I, for one, can get better at supporting people, ideas and events that really are...

doing "Good for the Horse!"

It Takes 2 to Tangle!

Horses and Humans are reaction machines!  

 

Recently my young horse Grace and I have been getting our knickers into a proverbial knot when working on the lunge and doing our parelli game of the 8 shape around obstacles.  This got me wondering what I need to do differently.  How and why have we been getting into this predictable pattern of speed and adrenalin and how can we get out of it? 

The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult horse or difficult situation is to react - to act without thinking.  This goes something like this...

Option No. 1: Meet Fire with Fire!

When Grace decides to do cartwheels on the lunge line or gallop round me doing her 'wall of death' impression - it's tempting to 'give her a taste of her own medicine' and say 'go on then if you want to run - let's see you move', and chase after her.   The only problem is that I don't want her injured, I can't hold onto 689 kilos of horse and neither of us learn anything of value in the process. 

Grace has taught me that escalation is rarely a helpful strategy! 

Option No. 2: Give in!

Deploy the opposite strategy and give in!  However, this feels like being held to ransom in a negotiation as the bad guy who won't say 'yes' to the deal on the table!  Giving in usually results in an unsatisfactory feeling in your gut the next day.  Worse it can reward and reinforce your horse's unwanted behaviour and cement you as being a "push over".

Giving in 'just this once' rarely works long term.  If every interaction with our horse is a training session - the question becomes who is training whom?  Grace is teaching me how NOT to be an appeaser,  to not give up now and HOPE it'll all be better tomorrow!'

(Note to self: an appeaser is someone who keeps throwing a tiger a steak, believing the tiger will eventually become a vegetarian)!

Option No. 3: Cool off!

A third reaction is to break off relations, walk away, have a mutual 'cool down' period.  The more I try to find that elusive space called the 'present' the more I am able to chose this option before deploying either of the other two, above!

I have found that 'coming back another day' is an appropriate strategy some days especially if other horses also seem to be wound up with something clearly 'in the air' adding to their distraction.

It is also useful if I need to assess what I had asked of Grace and was it reasonable?  Cool off may not mean back to the stable we go, but it can mean 'do something else' before returning to the original task in hand.

On the few occasions where I have cooled off by putting Grace literally back in her stable (usually accompanied by feelings of anger or deflation),  I've regretted it.  Leaving things without giving it a chance hasn't worked for me.   All it guarantees is that I haven't taken the time to work out her behaviour or its cause, and 'starting back over again' next time out, is mentally exhausting.  Not having enough physical time to be with our horse (working to an agenda or tight time line) can reinforce this as an unhelpful reaction.

So where does this leave us? 

According to Newton's Law 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' - but this applies to objects not minds.  Minds can chose how we react!

To find the mental space needed for our minds to chose a reaction between cause and effect; stimulus and response I recommend we look to the opera!

In my work as a sports coach I help people find ways to step back, collect their wits, and see the situation objectively.  So, as soon as it all starts to go wrong with your horse, imagine that you are on a stage.  Then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage.  (The "balcony" acting a metaphor for rising above the situation).  From the balcony you can calmly evaluate whats going on, think deliberately and identify possible next steps and solutions.  It allows us to move away from our natural impulses and emotions of reaction.  It keeps us present and mindful.

Watching a new trainer work with Grace last week was a great reinforcement of three important MUST DO's for me to follow BEFORE I react to anything she throws my way. Three things that will help us break out of our current pattern of high speed triple salchows!

MUST Do No. 1) Be Black and White! 

How I ask something is just as important as what I ask.   Ask or don't ask!  When I get a try - stop asking or it sounds like I'm nagging.  If I don't get what I asked for then ask again.  I have to communicate using my whole body, as tone, facial expressions and body language are more important than words.

MUST Do No. 2) Say 'YES' as often as I can!

Yes is a magic word in untangling!  It means acknowledgement. It gives validation and recognition for what is going on for my horse, in that moment.   "Yes that was a nice try" "Yes you can run but do you want to..." "Yes I do mean it".  "Yes, that's the trot I wanted, thank you" etc.  Bottom line SAY YES AS OFTEN AS I CAN!

MUST Do No. 3) Follow the bible Dictum:

 "be quick to hear what the horse is showing you, be slow to speak and slow to act"

Give it time.  Our new trainer has a 12 minute rule.  After which if things aren't going to plan its time to re-think!   Grace didn't need the 12 minute rule to come into play and I was both relieved and surprised.  With me, she tends to stone wall me!  Meaning she tests constantly what I'm asking of her, checking if I'm for real!  Now I can see that by convincing her in as short a period of time as possible she stops challenging me about "if I mean what I'm saying"!

Being aware of progress, watching what she was offering us, judging nothing, and taking the time to stay with it - all proved to work for both Grace and her fan club - me and her new trainer!

It seems easy to find ourselves in a tangle with our horse.  It isn't always easy to untangle.  Find your 'go to the balcony' (or equivalent) and pay close attention to what your current habits are, in order to de-mystify the cycle of reaction you find yourself in, to break free, and to find another way.

Related Blogs:

How to Be Present

Do Horses Understand Us?