Horses and Humans are reaction machines!
Recently my young horse Grace and I have been getting our knickers into a proverbial knot when working on the lunge and doing our parelli game of the 8 shape around obstacles. This got me wondering what I need to do differently. How and why have we been getting into this predictable pattern of speed and adrenalin and how can we get out of it?
The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult horse or difficult situation is to react - to act without thinking. This goes something like this...
The most natural thing to do when confronted with a difficult horse or difficult situation is to react - to act without thinking. This goes something like this...
Option No. 1: Meet Fire with Fire!
When Grace decides to do cartwheels on the lunge line or gallop round me doing her 'wall of death' impression - it's tempting to 'give her a taste of her own medicine' and say 'go on then if you want to run - let's see you move', and chase after her. The only problem is that I don't want her injured, I can't hold onto 689 kilos of horse and neither of us learn anything of value in the process.
Grace has taught me that escalation is rarely a helpful strategy!
Option No. 2: Give in!
Deploy the opposite strategy and give in! However, this feels like being held to ransom in a negotiation as the bad guy who won't say 'yes' to the deal on the table! Giving in usually results in an unsatisfactory feeling in your gut the next day. Worse it can reward and reinforce your horse's unwanted behaviour and cement you as being a "push over".
Giving in 'just this once' rarely works long term. If every interaction with our horse is a training session - the question becomes who is training whom? Grace is teaching me how NOT to be an appeaser, to not give up now and HOPE it'll all be better tomorrow!'
(Note to self: an appeaser is someone who keeps throwing a tiger a steak, believing the tiger will eventually become a vegetarian)!
A third reaction is to break off relations, walk away, have a mutual 'cool down' period. The more I try to find that elusive space called the 'present' the more I am able to chose this option before deploying either of the other two, above!
I have found that 'coming back another day' is an appropriate strategy some days especially if other horses also seem to be wound up with something clearly 'in the air' adding to their distraction.
It is also useful if I need to assess what I had asked of Grace and was it reasonable? Cool off may not mean back to the stable we go, but it can mean 'do something else' before returning to the original task in hand.
On the few occasions where I have cooled off by putting Grace literally back in her stable (usually accompanied by feelings of anger or deflation), I've regretted it. Leaving things without giving it a chance hasn't worked for me. All it guarantees is that I haven't taken the time to work out her behaviour or its cause, and 'starting back over again' next time out, is mentally exhausting. Not having enough physical time to be with our horse (working to an agenda or tight time line) can reinforce this as an unhelpful reaction.
So where does this leave us?
According to Newton's Law 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' - but this applies to objects not minds. Minds can chose how we react!
To find the mental space needed for our minds to chose a reaction between cause and effect; stimulus and response I recommend we look to the opera!
In my work as a sports coach I help people find ways to step back, collect their wits, and see the situation objectively. So, as soon as it all starts to go wrong with your horse, imagine that you are on a stage. Then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage. (The "balcony" acting a metaphor for rising above the situation). From the balcony you can calmly evaluate whats going on, think deliberately and identify possible next steps and solutions. It allows us to move away from our natural impulses and emotions of reaction. It keeps us present and mindful.
Watching a new trainer work with Grace last week was a great reinforcement of three important MUST DO's for me to follow BEFORE I react to anything she throws my way. Three things that will help us break out of our current pattern of high speed triple salchows!
MUST Do No. 1) Be Black and White!
How I ask something is just as important as what I ask. Ask or don't ask! When I get a try - stop asking or it sounds like I'm nagging. If I don't get what I asked for then ask again. I have to communicate using my whole body, as tone, facial expressions and body language are more important than words.
MUST Do No. 2) Say 'YES' as often as I can!
Yes is a magic word in untangling! It means acknowledgement. It gives validation and recognition for what is going on for my horse, in that moment. "Yes that was a nice try" "Yes you can run but do you want to..." "Yes I do mean it". "Yes, that's the trot I wanted, thank you" etc. Bottom line SAY YES AS OFTEN AS I CAN!
MUST Do No. 3) Follow the bible Dictum:
"be quick to hear what the horse is showing you, be slow to speak and slow to act"
Give it time. Our new trainer has a 12 minute rule. After which if things aren't going to plan its time to re-think! Grace didn't need the 12 minute rule to come into play and I was both relieved and surprised. With me, she tends to stone wall me! Meaning she tests constantly what I'm asking of her, checking if I'm for real! Now I can see that by convincing her in as short a period of time as possible she stops challenging me about "if I mean what I'm saying"!
Being aware of progress, watching what she was offering us, judging nothing, and taking the time to stay with it - all proved to work for both Grace and her fan club - me and her new trainer!
It seems easy to find ourselves in a tangle with our horse. It isn't always easy to untangle. Find your 'go to the balcony' (or equivalent) and pay close attention to what your current habits are, in order to de-mystify the cycle of reaction you find yourself in, to break free, and to find another way.
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