Born That Way

I'm on holiday, reading.  My book of choice is the first of three books I have bought by Susan Ketchen.  She is a Canadian writer, horse owner and family therapist.

Her books are great; no poetic nonsense or wasted character descriptions - just enough detail to involve you and massive empathy for how it feels to be a teenage girl growing up with a love for horses that doesn't fit in with her upbringing, parental aspirations or suburban lifestyle.  (Sound familiar?)...

The descriptions of how it feels to be misunderstood and slightly out of place as a teenager who doesn't care about boys, clothes and make up, hits the nail hard on the head of how I felt growing up.  It was a constant pull and push of emotions, being true to yourself under a blanket of guilt for trying to be yourself, and by definition not being how others wished you to be!

As I read I was struck by how closely the young teenager's feelings matched my own - both growing up and indeed still today.  I wondered if others might also identify with some of the musings so cleverly captured,  and the struggles we had to deal with it, as we lived alongside family members who simply 'never saw us for who we were and are today'. 

Horses: Part of who I am!

So, as a memory jogger of how you may have felt (like I) growing up with a constant struggle against what you were expected to do (ballet, having your hair done etc)', and to provide reassurance to other horsey middle aged women out there, that you are not alone, nor is there 'anything wrong with you' - below are excerpts from the book "Born That Way".

These few excerpts are the ones that stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of that inner struggle I faced and had me applauding with gratitude and relief, to read it so clearly expressed and with such honesty about the consequences.

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"For a lot of people just being around horses is enough.  They don't have to own a horse.  They take lessons, they ride horses that belong to other people, they take them to shows, even win fancy ribbons...." 

It's not the picture I had in my head thought Syliva... " It sounds too much like dating other people's husbands"!

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"Mom always makes the same comment about me being in a "horse-crazy stage", as though... I'll grow out of it. But I know I won't. Not in a million years".

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After being forced to have highlights in her hair, by her mother ...

"Dad says my hair is great and I look like a twenty-year old and I try to show him I'm happy about this but really I am experiencing a hopeless feeling, like I'm trapped in the wrong life."

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 On meeting an older 'horsey' girl...

"You into horses?" asks her new friend Kansas

Sylvia nods. It's too much to say out loud

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About dreaming about horses at night time in her sleep the young Sylvia goes on to say:

"If I couldn't remember my dreams I'd lose at least half of what I enjoy about my life". 

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When at last she meets an adult who 'gets' her love of horses and asks her "You like horses?"

"I can't speak - "any answer I can think of would only be an understatement, like trying to answer a question about how much I liked breathing..... "

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Misunderstood by her parents the young Sylvia gets sent to see a shrink at the age of 14.  That shrink (luckily happens to be horsey and soon recognises Sylvie's only problem is that she has a passion for horses and her parents don't!). The shrink goes on to say.....

"Some people never develop passions; they spend their lives wandering along aimlessly looking for something meaningful and fulfilling to do.... whereas some fortunate people discover very early in their lives what is meaningful to them.  And the luckiest of them find ways of pursuing their passion"

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Towards the end of the book, when the shrink has helped Sylvia's parents to come to terms with their daughters love of horses Sylvie explains:

"this is what I want to do more than anything else.  I want to be with horses.  I can't imagine my life without them.  It's that simple and it's that complicated all at once".

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Horses: An incredible relationship without words

There are so many themes identified and so succinctly captured, by this author in her books. I guess it's no surprise that I have included those that resonated with me.

Here are some more of my personal daemons that I've had to work on as an adult, largely thanks to the careless words and misguided intentions of others as I grew up.

1. Being reprimanded for having "not grown out of this silly horse stage yet"

2. Having career doors shut in my face with declarations of "no daughter of mine is going to shovel shit for a job"

3.  Those endless efforts and clumsy tricks to get me out of jeans and 'Jaspers' and into tights and skirts!

4.  The berating and mockery into my late 40's about how "time spent with your horses isn't anywhere near as important as being at a family BBQ with my nephews "

5. The daily resentment provided by a lack of work policies to help horse owners leave early to bring in and feed their horses from the rain, but which do allow parents to collect little Johny from school early every day!

Of course non horse bretherin might view the above as farcical, spoilt, or immature,  an underlying 6th bug bear of mine ...

6. Society's' general desire to knock those who love animals not understanding it themselves, and so judging them to the point of exclusion or punishment. They chose not to see the joy and happiness it brings to a person.

Horses; good old fashioned laughter and fun!

Like Sylvia I can not and will not imagine my life without horses.  They are my life and a most essential way of life.  They are a part of who I am  - the biggest part!

Ringwood Cockatoo - enjoying the privilege of riding

They are not a passing phase.  They are not a vocation that requires work, dedication or any other labour intensive adjective.

Relationship without expectation!

They don't have to provide me with happiness, saddle time, rosettes and ribbons.  I have no expectations of them at all,  and so if that is a punishable offense worthy of ridicule, mockery and judgement I guess I'll continue to live with daemons for the rest of my life, cause as sure as eggs are eggs I'm not giving up horses, for anyone, anytime!

Over the years it's been hard to find the words to describe the meaning of horses to me, in my life,  or to articulate the relationship I have with them.  It's often struck me as odd that I clam up and can't explain something so very important to me.

So...I have explored why it's so hard to express my love about horses,  and will try to explain it below, in case it helps others - especially if you are a budding parent who may just give birth to a horse obsessed kid! (In my forthcoming book I go into more detail).

Having set to work on my daemons,  I soon realised that for years as a teenager, I had learnt to suppress my dreams, hopes, wants and needs to prevent  airing them and being judged and mocked. I had denied myself the most important part of me, in order not to 'rock the boat' and to 'be a good girl' who didn't "disappoint".

Shame!

This, together with fighting others attempts to dress me in pink, bows, and steer me towards Speech Therapy as a career meant I ended up suppressing a ton of shame.  Shame at not being the person others wanted me to be.  Shame at being a disappointment.  Such shame would only deepen as my desire not to marry, or have children (and provide the much desired grand children), became an even more clear part of me that I could not express, as I hit 16 years of age.

Make no mistake, 'shame at not being accepted for "who we are" is a killer!  It kills your spirit, your dreams and hopes.  It kills your confidence, your spontaneity and it kills your self belief. It  kills sure as cancer or a plane crash. 

Anger!

But that's not the end of it.  Shame can build up into anger - anger at not being allowed to express who we are and what we want or feel.  That anger born of shame, takes work to recognise and deal with.  From personal experience I can say that it is worth the work, and miraculously out of the other end, can come a sudden shared love of horses from those very family members who relentlessly fought against you and your passion, all those years earlier!

For some, I realise that a sense of "reprieve" from friends and family members may come too late.  For me it's come just at the right time especially as the 'old woman' and I know share a love of my herd and when something happens to any of them I can rely on emotional support not scorn from those closest to me.

That was worth the wait and definitely worth the work!

The benefits of staying true to what's important

Books by the Susan Ketchen:

Born That Way

Grows That Way

Made That Way

Exiting the Mist of Anger

To be angry or not to be angry?  This is the question on my mind today!

Society seems to be full of angry people; road rage, nasty grams, vent mail, abusive language, muggers, celebrity stranglers, rapists and the gun killing crazy!

So much of our emotions seem to be pent up, pushed down and repressed until suddenly we can't hold back anymore. It's at these momentous moments that others end up paying the price, sometimes with their lives!

Our current culture seems to have taken freedom of expression to new and reckless heights.  Is it inevitable?  After all, so many of us come from broken homes, poor parenting or lack a basic work hard ethic to get for ourselves, those things we think we desire.

Given that our education system is totally silent on the matter of emotions, self control, and the handling of strong emotions (positive or negative)  it is little wonder we are all doomed to the new age plague of 'out of control behaviours'.

Anyone who has suppressed feelings of shame, suffered from a lack of being loved enough, or who has experienced deep hurt or betrayal, can grow up to be one 'bent out of shape' little bunny!

How well can we tune into our horses with so much potential 'background noise'?  The answer? Not very well!

So how do you spot the warning signals of anger on the horizon, and what can we do about it?

The tell tale signs are plentiful and varied, consider the following to get you thinking...

1. You find yourself more and more often participating in verbal arguments with people - even people you once considered a friend.

2.  You 'blow up' for apparently no particular reason i.e. your reaction isn't commensurate with the offence.

3. You find yourself biting your tongue more than not, clinching your jaw, fist or both!  You can literally feel the anger bubbling up inside you.

4. You notice more and more you indulge yourself in those 'self talk' conversations where you actually row with someone imaginary but its all happening in your head and you can't stop it!

5. You trip up, stumble, drop things and misplace things with more regularity.  Simple clumsiness and forgetfulness or something more telling?

6. My own personal favourite - you get snared by your shirt, jacket, dressing gown or ear phones. Once simple activities such as walking through a door without getting caught up on it -seem to be a thing of the past. Each time it happens you get more and more irate!

Those items over which you once had complete control and could get in and out of with aplomb suddenly out-manoeuvre you and get the better of you!

It's been happening with increasing frequency gradually over time, and most of us even get used to living with such daily torment thinking it's normal and happens to everyone.  It doesn't!  It isn't!  Its' happening to get your attention! 

The list is endless, the signs plentiful.

When we spot these tendencies in others, do we run for the hills quick?  It depends.

One important point to note is that if anger is being let out through these trips, bangs and spills, that's a good thing.  It is when we hold it in that things go dangerously wrong.

Anger is such a potent negative force that when we store it up, like wine,  that latent energy builds up in power and fizz!  Eventually it has to find a release,  So actually, by getting stuck in your coat sleeves or on the kitchen door knob,  is actually saving your life and maybe those around you!

Every time you release a little of that bottled up anger by flailing and flapping about to get free from the strangle hold of your coat,  you dilute the power of your anger.

No one wants to go 'postal' it happens under duress or immense stress or when that last straw is broken and our anger tank hits the full gauge.

I grew up under the shadow of a lot of anger. I will go further and say it transpired as rage i.e. uncontrollable, violent and of course dangerous behaviour by adults.  As a result, I 'do anger'  very well.  I find it an easy space to enter and stay in.   Luckily, these days I know how to find  the exit route and any anger moments pass very quickly and without impact.  It's not always been that way!

I haven't as yet spoken of Essy, Solar or Grace.  It's coming....

I have not been the perfect horse owner.  I have over the years smacked my horses - well Essy once, and I still remember it painfully well. 

I was riding Essy - in his 'post polo playing period'  - and he didn't do as I had asked or wanted. Rather than exploring my role and responsibility in creating the problem, I remember putting both reins into one hand and doing a John Wayne style, sharp slap on both sides of his neck, with the leather reins, while mounted.  It must have hurt.

I also remember how he responded and it left me in no doubt that he felt the punishment was unfair and undeserved.  I still feel deep sadness, shame at myself and guilt for smacking him like that and for my loss of self control.  Yet at the time I had little option because I lived my life on the edge of anger all the time. It popped out as easily as microwaving a pop tart!

I have learnt many important lessons as a result of living with anger.  With my horses, I can happily report that to date I have never hit Grace or Solar Sue and never again taken out my own frustrations on any of my herd since that day with Essy.

Sometimes we have to shock ourselves with our own disappointing and poor behaviour to wake up and take responsibility.  Only from this place can we grow in humility, compassion and understanding.

So what can we do to help ourselves be less angry and save humanity from itself?

Step 1: Get curious about anger.
Remember it is a natural emotion.  It is one of the many feelings we are capable of expressing.  It must therefore have a role to play in our human psyche.  What role does it play for you?

Does it get you 'air time and attention', does it enable you to move out of submissive tendencies, does it force you to make decisions, or keep someone in your life 'in check'.  These may not all be admiral ways to get what you need, but until we recognise how anger 'serves us' we can't see the need to break the cycle.

Step 2 : Be honest.
This is the fun step - for a day or a week, count up how many times you feel angry (whether you wish to admit it or not).  It is so important to recognise the TRUE impact anger is having on you as it is always more present that we realise.

Step 3:  Say it!  
Use the word, don't fudge your feelings by saying you feel "a little frustrated".  It's so English! So reserved!
 

When you are angry, you are angry, say so!  Denying it only keeps it building up inside us almost as if we don't  have the right to admit it, when we feel it.

Step 4: Celebrate!
Ok I say this in moderation but it is worth recognising that being angry is natural.  Letting your anger out is healthy (in the right way and context), and it is definitely not normal to feel no anger.  Be aware of people who go out of their way to 'NOT DO anger'.  Be curious about what they fear, often it is a loss of self control.  Hence the saying 'beware still waters that run deep' etc. 

Once you have recognised the symptoms, signals and frequency anger appears in your own life, you can seek help to resolve it. I have two fantastic techniques that I've used many times and for many years, and continue to share with young bullying teenage boys, self harming girls, aggressive executives and horse riders who are about to explode in their desire for perfection.

In my forthcoming book I'll be sharing both techniques. I guarantee I can help anyone lessen their need for anger if they follow the tools ill be sharing.

(I just had a brief anger moment in the loo of a BA flight to Brussels and luckily it made me giggle)!

As this blog is a place for horse and humans to come together in our journey of being the best we can be for our horse,  my ending thoughts question what life for a horse must be like if your human is full of anger....

If you have lived with a human who is frequently 'on the edge' about to boil over and blow, you know the fear, anxiety and strain it puts on you.  You know how compromised the life you live is, as you tread on eggshells around others, spend a lifetime trying to please others, or live a half life just in case it displeases others.

Why would we imagine it is any different for our horses?  Like us, they want to be able to self express.  To feel no shame, no punishment, no pressure and no fear.  Yet we release on them our anger unwittingly, merely by turning up at the yard full to the brim with negativity and raw energy.

We unleash our anger on them and at them, when they miss a transition, spook, don't submit, fidget, paw the ground, pull back, move forward..... 

Little wonder our horses often show signs of not knowing what we expect of them.  When was the last time you articulated in your own mind 'what you expect of your horse?'  How long is that list and how reasonable is it?    Until we face our expectations it's hard to manage disappointment, frustration (i.e. anger) and its hard to be in 'self control'.

We want our horses to be in 'self carriage' yet we can't do that for ourselves, preferring to blame others, tools, technology, the system or society.

We expect suppleness, flexibility and balance from our horses yet can't harness it for ourselves and pride ourselves on being right and knowing better.

We live a life of comparison yet our horses live one of acceptance.  We strive for 'more', 'better', 'faster' and don't recognise our horse for just 'being'.

Horses are both sentient and mindful.  The question is are we?

If reading about anger has pricked your subconscious and raised your own curiosity levels then have a go at the four steps above and as you go through that process...

Notice how easy or hard it is for you to feel anger.  

Notice the triggers and the effects.

Then ask yourself how it feels to be your horse, forced to be around you when this is what they experience! 

Do we ever stop to consider what the experience of being around us, for others, is actually like?  Whether 'others' are humans or horses, how would they describe it?  In all honesty would your horse "refer you to a friend" or recommend you for the job of "jolly decent horse owner?"

As many of these posts have shown, the reocurring theme is about 'how do we better tune into our horses'?  To do so we first have to tune into our selves - are full and real selves (including the parts we deny or don't like much).  Only then can we hope to change those parts we need to and create space to better 'receive' our horses (and, of course others in our life who we hold dear and important)!

My hope is that be talking here about anger, that we can each become a better witness to it, more conscious of its existence, instead of leaving our horse do the job for us or be the one to help us see it!  Responsible horse ownership must include avoiding unnecessary duress for our life long friends and companions.

MIRROR MIRROR ...whose in the shadow on the wall?

They say the 3 greatest mysteries of the world are ...

1. air to birds
2. water to fish, and
3. man unto himself!

We spend years in denial about WHO we are; mega bucks trying to look like someone ELSE; get counselling, life coaching or re-birthing to rid ourselves of the person others said we SHOULD be - so it's no wonder we struggle to know whose staring back at us when we look in the mirror!

Then along comes some smart Alec and announces that your horse is a mirror of yourself!  Initially you nod in agreement then later on you stop to think about what that actually means.

We use mirrors to take a good hard look at what we present to the world and what others see when they look at us.  This is not to be confused with us knowing ourselves well, or revealing ourselves fully, to those around us.  What stops us getting close to ourselves or letting others in?  Usually self protection and a dose of long standing habit.  Hence our often defensive reaction when someone criticizes us for something we said, did or how we came across.

We wear masks at work, hide behind our ego at home, hate being judged and live in fear of feedback. Most of us are afraid we will hear what we fear most - whatever that is. In the words of Debbie Ford this is denial at work:

D = Don't

E = Even

N = Notice

I  = I

A = AM

L = Lying

... where the lie is to ourselves!  Feedback only hurts when it hits the spot - a spot that we've been deceiving ourselves about - often for a long time!

When working with clients I'll start by asking them to describe their horse in 5 words or less - often the words they use then crop up again later in conversation as they discuss things about themselves they wish to change. I had a client recently tell me his horse was 'arrogant' and 'domineering'.  Turns out he wanted to work on a key relationship in his life with his son who was resisting doing as the father asked or suggested.  As we talked it became very clear the father was righteous, opinionated and had an answer (or excuse) for everything; much like his horse!

 "When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear" 

I'm suggesting that our horses presence in our lives works in a similar way to the teacher appearing when the pupil is ready i.e. they will be our greatest teacher if we are willing to listen, look deep and learn from them.  Maybe horses mirror and reflect our personality, or maybe they reflect the journey we are on in our growth.  Perhaps both.

Grace has been teaching me for some months now the importance of being assertive, and the skill of clear communication; meaning what I say and saying what I mean.  Solar Sue is teaching me the value of never giving up, accepting where you're at today, and Essy is teaching me the joy of having a renewed purpose.

As we begin the process of self discovery we start to notice more looking back at us from the mirror.  Like peeling back the layers of an onion, the more we work on ourselves the more details come to light. Our growth and awareness is always in reach but like a shadow it is just out of grasp! 

So many of us live with anger but deny it preferring to label it as 'frustration' or, we suppress our desire to fight and scream behind passive-aggressive sarcasm or silence. Others pick up on this pent up anger or silent communication as both speak volumes, even when we continue to deny it.

Next time you are out with your horse on a sunny day, have a "Peter Pan" moment and take a photo of yourself and your shadow. 

Peter's shadow would break away and lure children back to Never land.  What's your shadow's purpose?  Where is your growth dragging you, screaming and kicking?  What experiences and beliefs from your past are still tagging along for the ride today (welcome or otherwise)? How could you 'cut your shadow free' and follow a new path? What path would you take?  Who (if anyone) acts as your 'Wendy' trapping your shadow in a draw ready to re-attach it to you to keep you from escape? Could you break free if you saw it just as a shadow?

Solar, Me & My Shadow August 2013

As a coach it helps to bring humour into the conversation as the tears fall, our defences give way and the person in-front of you begins to be revealed. Growth isn't something to be feared.  Coming to terms with your shadow is just a way of remembering youre past and how much of it we carry with us today, for better or worse.   It helps us to remember and re-connect with who we really are.  Only you should decide who that person is.  If our horses can help us to do that we'll owe them a lot.  

Maybe our horses are the ones who can really see us for who we are! 

Do we recognise that and see them in return, for who they really are? One thing is for sure; horses (unlike us) have no problem it seems looking in a mirror at themselves and no fear of what or who they see looking back at them.... All of my horses seem to find it fascinating.  Imagine how liberating it would be if grown ups found the same pleasure and delight in such a simple act, instead of looking with eyes of comparison, scorn and criticism.

We have a lot to learn from our horses if we are willing, and a lot to like!