To be angry or not to be angry? This is the question on my mind today!
Anyone who has suppressed feelings of shame, suffered from a lack of being loved enough, or who has experienced deep hurt or betrayal, can grow up to be one 'bent out of shape' little bunny!
How well can we tune into our horses with so much potential 'background noise'? The answer? Not very well!
Society seems to be full of angry people; road rage, nasty grams, vent mail, abusive language, muggers, celebrity stranglers, rapists and the gun killing crazy!
So much of our emotions seem to be pent up, pushed down and repressed until suddenly we can't hold back anymore. It's at these momentous moments that others end up paying the price, sometimes with their lives!
Our current culture seems to have taken freedom of expression to new and reckless heights. Is it inevitable? After all, so many of us come from broken homes, poor parenting or lack a basic work hard ethic to get for ourselves, those things we think we desire.
Given that our education system is totally silent on the matter of emotions, self control, and the handling of strong emotions (positive or negative) it is little wonder we are all doomed to the new age plague of 'out of control behaviours'.
Anyone who has suppressed feelings of shame, suffered from a lack of being loved enough, or who has experienced deep hurt or betrayal, can grow up to be one 'bent out of shape' little bunny!
How well can we tune into our horses with so much potential 'background noise'? The answer? Not very well!
So how do you spot the warning signals of anger on the horizon, and what can we do about it?
The tell tale signs are plentiful and varied, consider the following to get you thinking...
1. You find yourself more and more often participating in verbal arguments with people - even people you once considered a friend.
2. You 'blow up' for apparently no particular reason i.e. your reaction isn't commensurate with the offence.
3. You find yourself biting your tongue more than not, clinching your jaw, fist or both! You can literally feel the anger bubbling up inside you.
4. You notice more and more you indulge yourself in those 'self talk' conversations where you actually row with someone imaginary but its all happening in your head and you can't stop it!
5. You trip up, stumble, drop things and misplace things with more regularity. Simple clumsiness and forgetfulness or something more telling?
6. My own personal favourite - you get snared by your shirt, jacket, dressing gown or ear phones. Once simple activities such as walking through a door without getting
caught up on it -seem to be a thing of the past. Each time it happens
you get more and more irate!
Those items over which you once had complete control and could get in and out of with aplomb suddenly out-manoeuvre you and get the better of you!
It's been happening with increasing frequency gradually over time, and most of us even get used to living with such daily torment thinking it's normal and happens to everyone. It doesn't! It isn't! Its' happening to get your attention!
Those items over which you once had complete control and could get in and out of with aplomb suddenly out-manoeuvre you and get the better of you!
It's been happening with increasing frequency gradually over time, and most of us even get used to living with such daily torment thinking it's normal and happens to everyone. It doesn't! It isn't! Its' happening to get your attention!
The list is endless, the signs plentiful.
When we spot these tendencies in others, do we run for the hills quick? It depends.
One important point to note is that if anger is being let out through these trips, bangs and spills, that's a good thing. It is when we hold it in that things go dangerously wrong.
Anger is such a potent negative force that when we store it up, like wine, that latent energy builds up in power and fizz! Eventually it has to find a release, So actually, by getting stuck in your coat sleeves or on the kitchen door knob, is actually saving your life and maybe those around you!
Every time you release a little of that bottled up anger by flailing and flapping about to get free from the strangle hold of your coat, you dilute the power of your anger.
One important point to note is that if anger is being let out through these trips, bangs and spills, that's a good thing. It is when we hold it in that things go dangerously wrong.
Anger is such a potent negative force that when we store it up, like wine, that latent energy builds up in power and fizz! Eventually it has to find a release, So actually, by getting stuck in your coat sleeves or on the kitchen door knob, is actually saving your life and maybe those around you!
Every time you release a little of that bottled up anger by flailing and flapping about to get free from the strangle hold of your coat, you dilute the power of your anger.
No one wants to go 'postal' it happens under duress or immense stress or when that last straw is broken and our anger tank hits the full gauge.
I grew up under the shadow of a lot of anger. I will go further and say it transpired as rage i.e. uncontrollable, violent and of course dangerous behaviour by adults. As a result, I 'do anger' very well. I find it an easy space to enter and stay in. Luckily, these days I know how to find the exit route and any anger moments pass very quickly and without impact. It's not always been that way!
I haven't as yet spoken of Essy, Solar or Grace. It's coming....
I have not been the perfect horse owner. I have over the years smacked my horses - well Essy once, and I still remember it painfully well.
I was riding Essy - in his 'post polo playing period' - and he didn't do as I had asked or wanted. Rather than exploring my role and responsibility in creating the problem, I remember putting both reins into one hand and doing a John Wayne style, sharp slap on both sides of his neck, with the leather reins, while mounted. It must have hurt.
I was riding Essy - in his 'post polo playing period' - and he didn't do as I had asked or wanted. Rather than exploring my role and responsibility in creating the problem, I remember putting both reins into one hand and doing a John Wayne style, sharp slap on both sides of his neck, with the leather reins, while mounted. It must have hurt.
I also remember how he responded and it left me in no doubt that he felt the punishment was unfair and undeserved. I still feel deep sadness, shame at myself and guilt for smacking him like that and for my loss of self control. Yet at the time I had little option because I lived my life on the edge of anger all the time. It popped out as easily as microwaving a pop tart!
I have learnt many important lessons as a result of living with anger. With my horses, I can happily report that to date I have never hit Grace or Solar Sue and never again taken out my own frustrations on any of my herd since that day with Essy.
Sometimes we have to shock ourselves with our own disappointing and poor behaviour to wake up and take responsibility. Only from this place can we grow in humility, compassion and understanding.
Sometimes we have to shock ourselves with our own disappointing and poor behaviour to wake up and take responsibility. Only from this place can we grow in humility, compassion and understanding.
So what can we do to help ourselves be less angry and save humanity from itself?
Step 1: Get curious about anger.
Remember it is a natural emotion. It is one of the many feelings we are capable of expressing. It must therefore have a role to play in our human psyche. What role does it play for you?
Does it get you 'air time and attention', does it enable you to move out of submissive tendencies, does it force you to make decisions, or keep someone in your life 'in check'. These may not all be admiral ways to get what you need, but until we recognise how anger 'serves us' we can't see the need to break the cycle.
Remember it is a natural emotion. It is one of the many feelings we are capable of expressing. It must therefore have a role to play in our human psyche. What role does it play for you?
Does it get you 'air time and attention', does it enable you to move out of submissive tendencies, does it force you to make decisions, or keep someone in your life 'in check'. These may not all be admiral ways to get what you need, but until we recognise how anger 'serves us' we can't see the need to break the cycle.
Step 2 : Be honest.
This is the fun step - for a day or a week, count up how many times you feel angry (whether you wish to admit it or not). It is so important to recognise the TRUE impact anger is having on you as it is always more present that we realise.
This is the fun step - for a day or a week, count up how many times you feel angry (whether you wish to admit it or not). It is so important to recognise the TRUE impact anger is having on you as it is always more present that we realise.
Step 3: Say it!
Use the word, don't fudge your feelings by saying you feel "a little frustrated". It's so English! So reserved!
Use the word, don't fudge your feelings by saying you feel "a little frustrated". It's so English! So reserved!
When you are angry, you are angry, say so! Denying it only keeps it building up inside us almost as if we don't have the right to admit it, when we feel it.
Step 4: Celebrate!
Ok I say this in moderation but it is worth recognising that being angry is natural. Letting your anger out is healthy (in the right way and context), and it is definitely not normal to feel no anger. Be aware of people who go out of their way to 'NOT DO anger'. Be curious about what they fear, often it is a loss of self control. Hence the saying 'beware still waters that run deep' etc.
Ok I say this in moderation but it is worth recognising that being angry is natural. Letting your anger out is healthy (in the right way and context), and it is definitely not normal to feel no anger. Be aware of people who go out of their way to 'NOT DO anger'. Be curious about what they fear, often it is a loss of self control. Hence the saying 'beware still waters that run deep' etc.
Once you have recognised the symptoms, signals and frequency anger appears in your own life, you can seek help to resolve it. I have two fantastic techniques that I've used many times and for many years, and continue to share with young bullying teenage boys, self harming girls, aggressive executives and horse riders who are about to explode in their desire for perfection.
In my forthcoming book I'll be sharing both techniques. I guarantee I can help anyone lessen their need for anger if they follow the tools ill be sharing.
(I just had a brief anger moment in the loo of a BA flight to Brussels and luckily it made me giggle)!
As this blog is a place for horse and humans to come together in our journey of being the best we can be for our horse, my ending thoughts question what life for a horse must be like if your human is full of anger....
If you have lived with a human who is frequently 'on the edge' about to boil over and blow, you know the fear, anxiety and strain it puts on you. You know how compromised the life you live is, as you tread on eggshells around others, spend a lifetime trying to please others, or live a half life just in case it displeases others.
Why would we imagine it is any different for our horses? Like us, they want to be able to self express. To feel no shame, no punishment, no pressure and no fear. Yet we release on them our anger unwittingly, merely by turning up at the yard full to the brim with negativity and raw energy.
We unleash our anger on them and at them, when they miss a transition, spook, don't submit, fidget, paw the ground, pull back, move forward.....
We unleash our anger on them and at them, when they miss a transition, spook, don't submit, fidget, paw the ground, pull back, move forward.....
Little wonder our horses often show signs of not knowing what we expect of them. When was the last time you articulated in your own mind 'what you expect of your horse?' How long is that list and how reasonable is it? Until we face our expectations it's hard to manage disappointment, frustration (i.e. anger) and its hard to be in 'self control'.
We want our horses to be in 'self carriage' yet we can't do that for ourselves, preferring to blame others, tools, technology, the system or society.
We expect suppleness, flexibility and balance from our horses yet can't harness it for ourselves and pride ourselves on being right and knowing better.
We live a life of comparison yet our horses live one of acceptance. We strive for 'more', 'better', 'faster' and don't recognise our horse for just 'being'.
We want our horses to be in 'self carriage' yet we can't do that for ourselves, preferring to blame others, tools, technology, the system or society.
We expect suppleness, flexibility and balance from our horses yet can't harness it for ourselves and pride ourselves on being right and knowing better.
We live a life of comparison yet our horses live one of acceptance. We strive for 'more', 'better', 'faster' and don't recognise our horse for just 'being'.
Horses are both sentient and mindful. The question is are we?
If reading about anger has pricked your subconscious and raised your own curiosity levels then have a go at the four steps above and as you go through that process...
Do we ever stop to consider what the experience of being around us, for others, is actually like? Whether 'others' are humans or horses, how would they describe it? In all honesty would your horse "refer you to a friend" or recommend you for the job of "jolly decent horse owner?"
As many of these posts have shown, the reocurring theme is about 'how do we better tune into our horses'? To do so we first have to tune into our selves - are full and real selves (including the parts we deny or don't like much). Only then can we hope to change those parts we need to and create space to better 'receive' our horses (and, of course others in our life who we hold dear and important)!
My hope is that be talking here about anger, that we can each become a better witness to it, more conscious of its existence, instead of leaving our horse do the job for us or be the one to help us see it! Responsible horse ownership must include avoiding unnecessary duress for our life long friends and companions.
Notice how easy or hard it is for you to feel anger.
Notice the triggers and the effects.
Then ask yourself how it feels to be your horse, forced to be around you when this is what they experience!
Do we ever stop to consider what the experience of being around us, for others, is actually like? Whether 'others' are humans or horses, how would they describe it? In all honesty would your horse "refer you to a friend" or recommend you for the job of "jolly decent horse owner?"
As many of these posts have shown, the reocurring theme is about 'how do we better tune into our horses'? To do so we first have to tune into our selves - are full and real selves (including the parts we deny or don't like much). Only then can we hope to change those parts we need to and create space to better 'receive' our horses (and, of course others in our life who we hold dear and important)!
My hope is that be talking here about anger, that we can each become a better witness to it, more conscious of its existence, instead of leaving our horse do the job for us or be the one to help us see it! Responsible horse ownership must include avoiding unnecessary duress for our life long friends and companions.
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