I'm on holiday, reading. My book of choice is the first of three books I have bought by Susan Ketchen. She is a Canadian writer, horse owner and family therapist.
Her books are great; no poetic nonsense or wasted character descriptions - just enough detail to involve you and massive empathy for how it feels to be a teenage girl growing up with a love for horses that doesn't fit in with her upbringing, parental aspirations or suburban lifestyle. (Sound familiar?)...
The descriptions of how it feels to be misunderstood and slightly out of place as a teenager who doesn't care about boys, clothes and make up, hits the nail hard on the head of how I felt growing up. It was a constant pull and push of emotions, being true to yourself under a blanket of guilt for trying to be yourself, and by definition not being how others wished you to be!
As I read I was struck by how closely the young teenager's feelings matched my own - both growing up and indeed still today. I wondered if others might also identify with some of the musings so cleverly captured, and the struggles we had to deal with it, as we lived alongside family members who simply 'never saw us for who we were and are today'.
So, as a memory jogger of how you may have felt (like I) growing up with a constant struggle against what you were expected to do (ballet, having your hair done etc)', and to provide reassurance to other horsey middle aged women out there, that you are not alone, nor is there 'anything wrong with you' - below are excerpts from the book "Born That Way".
These few excerpts are the ones that stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of that inner struggle I faced and had me applauding with gratitude and relief, to read it so clearly expressed and with such honesty about the consequences.
---
"For a lot of people just being around horses is enough. They don't have to own a horse. They take lessons, they ride horses that belong to other people, they take them to shows, even win fancy ribbons...."
It's not the picture I had in my head thought Syliva... " It sounds too much like dating other people's husbands"!
---
"Mom always makes the same comment about me being in a "horse-crazy stage", as though... I'll grow out of it. But I know I won't. Not in a million years".
---
After being forced to have highlights in her hair, by her mother ...
"Dad says my hair is great and I look like a twenty-year old and I try to show him I'm happy about this but really I am experiencing a hopeless feeling, like I'm trapped in the wrong life."
---
On meeting an older 'horsey' girl...
"You into horses?" asks her new friend Kansas
Sylvia nods. It's too much to say out loud
---
About dreaming about horses at night time in her sleep the young Sylvia goes on to say:
"If I couldn't remember my dreams I'd lose at least half of what I enjoy about my life".
---
When at last she meets an adult who 'gets' her love of horses and asks her "You like horses?"
"I can't speak - "any answer I can think of would only be an understatement, like trying to answer a question about how much I liked breathing..... "
---
Misunderstood by her parents the young Sylvia gets sent to see a shrink at the age of 14. That shrink (luckily happens to be horsey and soon recognises Sylvie's only problem is that she has a passion for horses and her parents don't!). The shrink goes on to say.....
"Some people never develop passions; they spend their lives wandering along aimlessly looking for something meaningful and fulfilling to do.... whereas some fortunate people discover very early in their lives what is meaningful to them. And the luckiest of them find ways of pursuing their passion"
---
Towards the end of the book, when the shrink has helped Sylvia's parents to come to terms with their daughters love of horses Sylvie explains:
"this is what I want to do more than anything else. I want to be with horses. I can't imagine my life without them. It's that simple and it's that complicated all at once".
---
There are so many themes identified and so succinctly captured, by this author in her books. I guess it's no surprise that I have included those that resonated with me.
Here are some more of my personal daemons that I've had to work on as an adult, largely thanks to the careless words and misguided intentions of others as I grew up.
Like Sylvia I can not and will not imagine my life without horses. They are my life and a most essential way of life. They are a part of who I am - the biggest part!
They are not a passing phase. They are not a vocation that requires work, dedication or any other labour intensive adjective.
They don't have to provide me with happiness, saddle time, rosettes and ribbons. I have no expectations of them at all, and so if that is a punishable offense worthy of ridicule, mockery and judgement I guess I'll continue to live with daemons for the rest of my life, cause as sure as eggs are eggs I'm not giving up horses, for anyone, anytime!
Over the years it's been hard to find the words to describe the meaning of horses to me, in my life, or to articulate the relationship I have with them. It's often struck me as odd that I clam up and can't explain something so very important to me.
So...I have explored why it's so hard to express my love about horses, and will try to explain it below, in case it helps others - especially if you are a budding parent who may just give birth to a horse obsessed kid! (In my forthcoming book I go into more detail).
Having set to work on my daemons, I soon realised that for years as a teenager, I had learnt to suppress my dreams, hopes, wants and needs to prevent airing them and being judged and mocked. I had denied myself the most important part of me, in order not to 'rock the boat' and to 'be a good girl' who didn't "disappoint".
This, together with fighting others attempts to dress me in pink, bows, and steer me towards Speech Therapy as a career meant I ended up suppressing a ton of shame. Shame at not being the person others wanted me to be. Shame at being a disappointment. Such shame would only deepen as my desire not to marry, or have children (and provide the much desired grand children), became an even more clear part of me that I could not express, as I hit 16 years of age.
Make no mistake, 'shame at not being accepted for "who we are" is a killer! It kills your spirit, your dreams and hopes. It kills your confidence, your spontaneity and it kills your self belief. It kills sure as cancer or a plane crash.
But that's not the end of it. Shame can build up into anger - anger at not being allowed to express who we are and what we want or feel. That anger born of shame, takes work to recognise and deal with. From personal experience I can say that it is worth the work, and miraculously out of the other end, can come a sudden shared love of horses from those very family members who relentlessly fought against you and your passion, all those years earlier!
For some, I realise that a sense of "reprieve" from friends and family members may come too late. For me it's come just at the right time especially as the 'old woman' and I know share a love of my herd and when something happens to any of them I can rely on emotional support not scorn from those closest to me.
That was worth the wait and definitely worth the work!
Her books are great; no poetic nonsense or wasted character descriptions - just enough detail to involve you and massive empathy for how it feels to be a teenage girl growing up with a love for horses that doesn't fit in with her upbringing, parental aspirations or suburban lifestyle. (Sound familiar?)...
The descriptions of how it feels to be misunderstood and slightly out of place as a teenager who doesn't care about boys, clothes and make up, hits the nail hard on the head of how I felt growing up. It was a constant pull and push of emotions, being true to yourself under a blanket of guilt for trying to be yourself, and by definition not being how others wished you to be!
As I read I was struck by how closely the young teenager's feelings matched my own - both growing up and indeed still today. I wondered if others might also identify with some of the musings so cleverly captured, and the struggles we had to deal with it, as we lived alongside family members who simply 'never saw us for who we were and are today'.
 |
| Horses: Part of who I am! |
So, as a memory jogger of how you may have felt (like I) growing up with a constant struggle against what you were expected to do (ballet, having your hair done etc)', and to provide reassurance to other horsey middle aged women out there, that you are not alone, nor is there 'anything wrong with you' - below are excerpts from the book "Born That Way".
These few excerpts are the ones that stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of that inner struggle I faced and had me applauding with gratitude and relief, to read it so clearly expressed and with such honesty about the consequences.
"For a lot of people just being around horses is enough. They don't have to own a horse. They take lessons, they ride horses that belong to other people, they take them to shows, even win fancy ribbons...."
It's not the picture I had in my head thought Syliva... " It sounds too much like dating other people's husbands"!
---
"Mom always makes the same comment about me being in a "horse-crazy stage", as though... I'll grow out of it. But I know I won't. Not in a million years".
---
After being forced to have highlights in her hair, by her mother ...
"Dad says my hair is great and I look like a twenty-year old and I try to show him I'm happy about this but really I am experiencing a hopeless feeling, like I'm trapped in the wrong life."
---
On meeting an older 'horsey' girl...
"You into horses?" asks her new friend Kansas
Sylvia nods. It's too much to say out loud
---
About dreaming about horses at night time in her sleep the young Sylvia goes on to say:
"If I couldn't remember my dreams I'd lose at least half of what I enjoy about my life".
---
When at last she meets an adult who 'gets' her love of horses and asks her "You like horses?"
"I can't speak - "any answer I can think of would only be an understatement, like trying to answer a question about how much I liked breathing..... "
---
Misunderstood by her parents the young Sylvia gets sent to see a shrink at the age of 14. That shrink (luckily happens to be horsey and soon recognises Sylvie's only problem is that she has a passion for horses and her parents don't!). The shrink goes on to say.....
"Some people never develop passions; they spend their lives wandering along aimlessly looking for something meaningful and fulfilling to do.... whereas some fortunate people discover very early in their lives what is meaningful to them. And the luckiest of them find ways of pursuing their passion"
---
Towards the end of the book, when the shrink has helped Sylvia's parents to come to terms with their daughters love of horses Sylvie explains:
"this is what I want to do more than anything else. I want to be with horses. I can't imagine my life without them. It's that simple and it's that complicated all at once".
---
 |
| Horses: An incredible relationship without words |
There are so many themes identified and so succinctly captured, by this author in her books. I guess it's no surprise that I have included those that resonated with me.
Here are some more of my personal daemons that I've had to work on as an adult, largely thanks to the careless words and misguided intentions of others as I grew up.
1. Being reprimanded for having "not grown out of this silly horse stage yet"
2. Having career doors shut in my face with declarations of "no daughter of mine is going to shovel shit for a job"
3. Those endless efforts and clumsy tricks to get me out of jeans and 'Jaspers' and into tights and skirts!
4. The berating and mockery into my late 40's about how "time spent with your horses isn't anywhere near as important as being at a family BBQ with my nephews "
5. The daily resentment provided by a lack of work policies to help horse owners leave early to bring in and feed their horses from the rain, but which do allow parents to collect little Johny from school early every day!
Of course non horse bretherin might view the above as farcical, spoilt, or immature, an underlying 6th bug bear of mine ...
6. Society's' general desire to knock those who love animals not understanding it themselves, and so judging them to the point of exclusion or punishment. They chose not to see the joy and happiness it brings to a person.
 |
| Horses; good old fashioned laughter and fun! |
 |
| Ringwood Cockatoo - enjoying the privilege of riding |
They are not a passing phase. They are not a vocation that requires work, dedication or any other labour intensive adjective.
 |
| Relationship without expectation! |
They don't have to provide me with happiness, saddle time, rosettes and ribbons. I have no expectations of them at all, and so if that is a punishable offense worthy of ridicule, mockery and judgement I guess I'll continue to live with daemons for the rest of my life, cause as sure as eggs are eggs I'm not giving up horses, for anyone, anytime!
Over the years it's been hard to find the words to describe the meaning of horses to me, in my life, or to articulate the relationship I have with them. It's often struck me as odd that I clam up and can't explain something so very important to me.
So...I have explored why it's so hard to express my love about horses, and will try to explain it below, in case it helps others - especially if you are a budding parent who may just give birth to a horse obsessed kid! (In my forthcoming book I go into more detail).
Having set to work on my daemons, I soon realised that for years as a teenager, I had learnt to suppress my dreams, hopes, wants and needs to prevent airing them and being judged and mocked. I had denied myself the most important part of me, in order not to 'rock the boat' and to 'be a good girl' who didn't "disappoint".
 |
| Shame! |
This, together with fighting others attempts to dress me in pink, bows, and steer me towards Speech Therapy as a career meant I ended up suppressing a ton of shame. Shame at not being the person others wanted me to be. Shame at being a disappointment. Such shame would only deepen as my desire not to marry, or have children (and provide the much desired grand children), became an even more clear part of me that I could not express, as I hit 16 years of age.
Make no mistake, 'shame at not being accepted for "who we are" is a killer! It kills your spirit, your dreams and hopes. It kills your confidence, your spontaneity and it kills your self belief. It kills sure as cancer or a plane crash.
 |
| Anger! |
But that's not the end of it. Shame can build up into anger - anger at not being allowed to express who we are and what we want or feel. That anger born of shame, takes work to recognise and deal with. From personal experience I can say that it is worth the work, and miraculously out of the other end, can come a sudden shared love of horses from those very family members who relentlessly fought against you and your passion, all those years earlier!
For some, I realise that a sense of "reprieve" from friends and family members may come too late. For me it's come just at the right time especially as the 'old woman' and I know share a love of my herd and when something happens to any of them I can rely on emotional support not scorn from those closest to me.
That was worth the wait and definitely worth the work!
 |
| The benefits of staying true to what's important |
Books by the Susan Ketchen:
Born That Way
Grows That Way
Made That Way
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