What does 'being loving' to our horse mean?
What does it look like? How do we do it? How would a horse answer?
I'm defining love as a feeling, and 'being loving' as the way we act, which should then have the result of making others feel loved. So what does being loving (human to human) look like? Before considering our ability to be loving towards horses, who are you loving towards in your life, are they loving back to you?
Most of us want to believe that friends, family, spouse are loving towards us and vice versa, but often we don't stop to check. The truth, when we examine it can be quite different. Here is a list of loving actions to compare your own behaviour against, as well as those of others.
1. Giving: love, time, tenderness, understanding, patience, support etc. Giving because you want to, not to get something in return. Giving because it makes the person you love feel good.
2. Responding to another's needs: Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. To be understood, to feel safe, to be communicated with, to be cared for.
3. Respecting: Another's emotional nature. Treating anothers feelings as if they are as important as your own - because they are. Caring enough to understand and relate to what that person is feeling, not just thinking.
4. Knowing: A person's vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional needs to help you understand and respond to him/her. See life through their eyes, their emotions and their needs.
5. Committing: To another, to his or her welfare and happiness. Committing in a way that engenders trust. Being there for them no matter what.
6. Having Humility: To know that a person can be more, learn more and grow more without judging. Seeing his/her beauty, goodness, potential and lovability no matter what
7. Caring: In your actions, communication, and thoughts. Demonstrating you care so that the other person knows you care. Being considerate.
How well do the people in your life demonstrate the above list towards you? Do you give it back?
Re-read the list again, this time considering how much of it applies to a horse? Almost all of it could be coming straight from the horse's mouth as their definition of how to be loving.
In our human to human relationships this list can be a tough one to match up to so its no wonder that being loving towards another species such as a horse may not be as easy as first thought, given we can't get it right with our own species!
I wonder if an absence of loving relationships is in part the reason why so many of us are drawn to horses (or other animals) in the first place, looking for a substitute for what's missing in our own lives? (That's for another day)!
It always shocks me how suddenly horse owners can lose their temper with their horse and lash out verbally, or physically. In my book this is the exact opposite of being loving and certainly destroys trust. I'm sure we don't want to behave like this but were unable to deal with our anger and chose a different response. Why can't we be compassionate and more loving in our responses?
The answer usually lies in our past. Our early experiences will keep playing out in our current life. As an example in my early life I experienced a lot of bullying and I spent many years being intimidated by those bigger, older or more senior to me, even those supposed to 'love' me. As an adult most of my bosses in a 27 year career have been physical or emotional bullies. Bullying was a familiar way of life by the time I was 7 years old and as such it set the tone for the rest of my life.
So if a horse I am with behaves in a challenging or domineering way it's easy to see I could quickly interpret that as 'bullying' me. If that hasn't been a pleasant life experience then my range of responses will be limited and emotionally highly charged. I may 'step up' my demands on the horse as I try to fight back! Rarely a helpful strategy with horses. So back to the question of how loving are we being to our horses?
As far as I know horses naturally don't choose to put themselves on the end of a length of rope and go round in repetitive circles. They weren't born hoping to have a 10 stone human on their back for 20 years. So when and if they throw their 'toys out of the pram' surely it is a test of our understanding, compassion and ability to be loving - rather than a test of our horsemanship skills or 'fighting attitude'. Of course for decades the language of horsemanship has revolved around fighting talk in words such as submission, repression, breaking the spirit of a horse, dominate and punish. It's certainly not the language of love!
In order to be more loving to our horses, wouldn't it be great if we could ask them what they need? Margrit Coates offers some guidance in her book "Horses Talking" suggesting the list below is a horse's 'wish list' of needs.
Putting all this together means horses and humans need the same things - except for the herbs, forage and saddle!
If we want to develop our loving relationships then acting in accordance with these two lists will put us in good shape!
None of us should try to be perfect but everyone can learn more about ourselves and those we interact with. The more we can be loving to other beings the more that 'loving experience' will grow back and return to us, ten fold. That's got to be worth a try!
What does it look like? How do we do it? How would a horse answer?
I'm defining love as a feeling, and 'being loving' as the way we act, which should then have the result of making others feel loved. So what does being loving (human to human) look like? Before considering our ability to be loving towards horses, who are you loving towards in your life, are they loving back to you?
Top Tip:
List out the people in your life you believe you are being loving towards
and then list out who is loving, towards you.
Most of us want to believe that friends, family, spouse are loving towards us and vice versa, but often we don't stop to check. The truth, when we examine it can be quite different. Here is a list of loving actions to compare your own behaviour against, as well as those of others.
1. Giving: love, time, tenderness, understanding, patience, support etc. Giving because you want to, not to get something in return. Giving because it makes the person you love feel good.
2. Responding to another's needs: Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. To be understood, to feel safe, to be communicated with, to be cared for.
3. Respecting: Another's emotional nature. Treating anothers feelings as if they are as important as your own - because they are. Caring enough to understand and relate to what that person is feeling, not just thinking.
4. Knowing: A person's vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional needs to help you understand and respond to him/her. See life through their eyes, their emotions and their needs.
5. Committing: To another, to his or her welfare and happiness. Committing in a way that engenders trust. Being there for them no matter what.
6. Having Humility: To know that a person can be more, learn more and grow more without judging. Seeing his/her beauty, goodness, potential and lovability no matter what
7. Caring: In your actions, communication, and thoughts. Demonstrating you care so that the other person knows you care. Being considerate.
How well do the people in your life demonstrate the above list towards you? Do you give it back?
Re-read the list again, this time considering how much of it applies to a horse? Almost all of it could be coming straight from the horse's mouth as their definition of how to be loving.
In our human to human relationships this list can be a tough one to match up to so its no wonder that being loving towards another species such as a horse may not be as easy as first thought, given we can't get it right with our own species!
I wonder if an absence of loving relationships is in part the reason why so many of us are drawn to horses (or other animals) in the first place, looking for a substitute for what's missing in our own lives? (That's for another day)!
It always shocks me how suddenly horse owners can lose their temper with their horse and lash out verbally, or physically. In my book this is the exact opposite of being loving and certainly destroys trust. I'm sure we don't want to behave like this but were unable to deal with our anger and chose a different response. Why can't we be compassionate and more loving in our responses?
Top Tip:
Count how often you lose your temper in a typical day?
Do you even notice it happening?
The answer usually lies in our past. Our early experiences will keep playing out in our current life. As an example in my early life I experienced a lot of bullying and I spent many years being intimidated by those bigger, older or more senior to me, even those supposed to 'love' me. As an adult most of my bosses in a 27 year career have been physical or emotional bullies. Bullying was a familiar way of life by the time I was 7 years old and as such it set the tone for the rest of my life.
So if a horse I am with behaves in a challenging or domineering way it's easy to see I could quickly interpret that as 'bullying' me. If that hasn't been a pleasant life experience then my range of responses will be limited and emotionally highly charged. I may 'step up' my demands on the horse as I try to fight back! Rarely a helpful strategy with horses. So back to the question of how loving are we being to our horses?
As far as I know horses naturally don't choose to put themselves on the end of a length of rope and go round in repetitive circles. They weren't born hoping to have a 10 stone human on their back for 20 years. So when and if they throw their 'toys out of the pram' surely it is a test of our understanding, compassion and ability to be loving - rather than a test of our horsemanship skills or 'fighting attitude'. Of course for decades the language of horsemanship has revolved around fighting talk in words such as submission, repression, breaking the spirit of a horse, dominate and punish. It's certainly not the language of love!
Top Tip:
Notice the words you use to describe your horse's action/behaviour.
What does it tell you about the patterns you notice most readily around you?
Why are these patterns in your life?
In order to be more loving to our horses, wouldn't it be great if we could ask them what they need? Margrit Coates offers some guidance in her book "Horses Talking" suggesting the list below is a horse's 'wish list' of needs.
To receive ...
Patience, kindness, integrity and plenty of horse knowledge
Empathic, loving teaching (training)
Understanding that they hurt (emotionally) just as we humans
Many hours of free time, outside in a paddock 365 days a year
Social and play time with other equines
Tack and a saddle that is properly fitted
A rider who doesn't expect me to be perfect
Freedom to make some choices in life
Permission to express my personality and individuality
Enough to drink and eat, with herbs and forage
Healing hands that touch me
Love and to share my love
Peace
Putting all this together means horses and humans need the same things - except for the herbs, forage and saddle!
If we want to develop our loving relationships then acting in accordance with these two lists will put us in good shape!
Top Tip:
How well do you score using either list of loving actions and needs?
Notice where you excel and where you fall short?
None of us should try to be perfect but everyone can learn more about ourselves and those we interact with. The more we can be loving to other beings the more that 'loving experience' will grow back and return to us, ten fold. That's got to be worth a try!
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