Give up Fear - don't give up on Horses!

"I have a great many troubles, but most of them never happened" 

 

-  Mark Twain

Living in a world where there is much to be fearful of; wars, disease, poverty, technological advancement, floods and natural disasters we tend to have an un-healthy relationship with Fear.  We live with too much of it, sometimes without real cause.  Sometimes we don't even realise we are living with fear, or how much, until we experience something significant that gets our attention.

I have worked with many riders, trainers and horse dealers who have suddenly developed a fear of riding after a lifetime in the saddle. This sudden fear has often been brewing below the surface for some time, without their knowledge.

For many horse owners and riders the memory of past falls, kicks and other incidents haunt and taunt us to the point where people give up their passion and walk away.  I've worked with many horse riders who have chosen to give up their love of horses due to fear, only to find out that their fear returns in other parts of their lives.

My message is - don't give up on horses - give up on Fear! Don't be afraid of your fear, get help!  We all need someone to help us at some point and that's ok, what's not ok is to ignore this need and abandon the very thing that keeps us alive.

This week my "someone" was there for me when I needed his help.  He has started me on a journey that we had begun together exactly one year ago.  This time I have a new reason to stay true to the journey - it's called regaining my health.  Now I will acknowledge, accept and release my own fears in order to conquer them and find better health and prosperity.

My fears are like yours; simple yet complex; real yet imaginary and working to keep me fearful and trapped.  My fear does involve my horses and riding Grace but it is also more about my future, money, pursuing my passions, freedom and most importantly my health.

Photo I took in 2000 whilst visiting New York

Last week marked the 13th anniversary of 9/11 and the  attack on the Twin Towers and resulting massive loss of life.

The trauma of 9/11 was very real.  The resulting levels of fear caused by expectation after the tragedy, for the most part did not happen.  Thank goodness!

I was living in the USA at the time of 9/11, and remember every detail of that day, and the days that followed which became months of unbridled fear and mistrust.

The sense of anger and rage was only tempered by the abject fear in people's minds and faces.  Air travel was in lock-down.  Shops closed, restaurant life became quiet - the air filled with suspicion.

People felt safe only inside their own homes, (ironic as that was the one place being flooded with news images and reports of the collapsing towers, grieving families, and Presidential calls for retaliation).

For the next few years, Americans lived and travelled in fear of a repeat attack.  Mercifully, 13 years on it has not happened.  So what has happened to all that fear?  Did it disappear?  Is it still there but diluted?  Has it been added to by other sources of threat to our survival? 

Fear is an every day activity we chose to honour (without realising it) as we attentively watch life, society, people the news, because our survival requires us to learn about things that may hurt us.  That's perhaps why we slow down at the scene of a terrible car accident. It is to learn.

Most times we reach a conclusion  "the driver must have been on the phone", "those small sports cars are so dangerous" etc.  We store this theory away perhaps to save our lives at a later date.

We learn what to fear, based on our perception of life and the world around us choosing to put our own interpretation on things, people and events.  This interpretation is at times valid and real, and at other times made up, inflated or exaggerated.  Sometimes we disregard the facts around a risk being actual versus simply perceived.  This is the same with our work around horses.

We learn to suppress our fears, to bury them until they show up with health issues or other noticeable life changing events.  We can easily end up living a 'half life' because our fears  keep us doing the same thing with our lives year after year, despite our heart and soul craving something else. (If this sounds like a mid life crisis - good)!

This sort of fear strangles us and sits like a knot in our chest until we can't breath properly.  This is how i've felt for most of this year.  It's hit a crisis level just recently and it now has my total attention!

Fear can overwhelm us through everyday events not just major issues such as 9/11.  Exposure to events broadcast via daily News, TV and Media - all  reinforce our desire to survive against murderers, kidnappers, famine and disease.  Rarely are we provided with a balanced perspective of stories about safety, hope, helping each other or healing.

So what can we do about 'fear overload'?  How can we better manage fear especially to keep it in perspective when working alongside horses?

Below are some simple tips to implement right away and a summary at the end based on how our horses react to fear.

Fear Management!

Strategy 1 - Don't watch ( read, listen) to the news at bed time! 

Don't absorb negative images, pain, suffering, fear and danger just before going to sleep.  Allow your body and mind a peaceful fear free night's sleep.

The Media industry survives and thrives on repeating old stories and adding a new level of fear with strap lines such as "the people of Hungerford, UK  still awaken at night, worried that it could all happen again".   Really?  I don't think so. These ridiculous statements are used to give old stories relevance today and like in the movies, allow for a sequel story at a later date.

To conquer the habit of living with fear we have to remove ourselves from the sensationalism of reporting fear based incidents.  We can start by removing it from our conscious thoughts and daily data feeds.

Strategy 2 - Keep old injuries and falls a thing of the past

Horse people often find ourselves (or hear others) recounting and reliving stories of we fell off, had a scare, broke a bone, ended up in hospital etc. etc.  Even if it happened years ago!  We cling onto the memory keeping the feelings of fear very much alive.

Stop it!

Stop telling others about such moments and walk away from anyone else who insists on re-living their scary stories - don't listen!

Catch yourself thinking about them and change your thoughts!  Think of something that makes you happy, relaxed not scared.  Notice how quickly your feelings change from anxiety and worry to calm again. 

Remember that being exposed to constant reminders of fear, shell-shocks us to the point that it becomes impossible to separate the survival signal from the sound bite.  i.e. we get a distorted view of what actually poses as a hazard to us and react to the state of fear rather than the risk itself.

As an example, say a news report comes out that a Dolphin attacks a swimmer!  Such a story would make a new connection in the minds of millions of us.  Dolphins are dangerous to man (even though they are not).   

Our survival brilliance is wasted when we focus on unlikely risks!

The same is true and happens often around horses.  Imagine an incident where a Stallion bites a woman who is seriously injured as a result.  Suddenly all stallions are dangerous for women to handle!   We give them a wide birth without assessing the facts and likely risks - real not sensationalised!

Such stories give us another or a new reason to be fearful of horses and we start to live with high levels of fear as a constant companion.  This is neither healthy nor fair to us or horses.

 

Strategy  3 - Shift your focus away from your fear and towards your desires!

The important question is not how might we be injured 
or hurt by our horses 
but how we want to live with them?

It is a fact that most horses do not kick, bite us, gallop off with us or generally set out to make us scared to death.  They are placid, easy going, mild natured, forgiving, patient, self sacrificing animals who would rather be with other horses and living a conflict free existence. Yet we chose to forget this replacing it with a few select scare mongering stores and our perspective alters.

To bring our perspective back into focus is a key skill to have at your finger tips.  It involves active daily practise in remembering what you DO WANT in your riding, horsemanship and relationship with animals. Remembering and feeling are key here.  We need both the thoughts and the feelings.

At times the feelings are so raw, so painful, that we avoid going there.  This is where meditation, yoga, reiki and other approaches to well being have in my experience been utterly transformational.  This is where I am in my journey this week, as I write. I am literally re-learning to breath again.  I am cleansing and detoxing and living with the side effects - but more of that another day.

If you know you are suffering from fear, be honest and ask yourself if you actually WANT to live with less fear?  Or are you used to this constant state of anxiety and find it comfortable and familiar?

The test is to figure out  why you want less fear in your life?  There has to be a compelling reason and we have to realise first, just how much fear we are holding onto. For some people, such as myself, until the fear manifests itself as health problems, we don't always ecognise it's time to let it go.  For others it might be when we face a financial crisis or find ourselves at a career cross road that the light dawns!

We need to be able to get into the habit of replacing thoughts about how things have been with how you want things TO BE! We need mental space to do this, and freedom from the weight of fear.  Releasing the fears with meditation, reiki etc are key in helping us to find that space.

This is a  Highly TRANSFORMATIONAL STRATEGY

Strategy 4 - Live in the hear and now, not in the future!

Have you ever noticed how the mind of the beginner is empty, 

free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept, doubt, 

and be open to all possibilities?  

People even enjoy beginner's luck!

Re-create this air of open mindedness whenever you feel dread or fear. Change worried anxious thoughts into 'what if..' or 'maybe...' thoughts.  

Find these 'windows of opportunity' to take back some control over the thousands of daily thoughts and feelings that flood our minds and body.  React to only those that warrant a fear response.

Many young children (raised in unstable domestic environments) develop the art of worry and prediction as a survival tool. However, this has an undesirable knock on effect of putting us constantly in the future, because living in the present feels too dangerous and painful.  Living in the future means we aren't really present in the hear and now and we need to be, if we are to learn when fear is appropriate or not.

Treat yourself with the same curiosity that you would a dog - suddenly roused from sleep who stares into space.  What has he heard?  What has he tuned into? Where is his attention?  In other words be thoughtful, present and in the moment with fear, don't allow yourself to become it's slave!

Strategy 5 - "No" is a complete sentence! 

Have you ever stopped to notice how obedient friends, family and strangers are to your use of the word NO?

Fear Management is largely about developing our awareness and perception of context.  It is about reading the situation we are in, those around us and paying attention to the right signals.

Here is an example scenario:

-  an unknown male stranger offers to help a female carry her shopping bags to her car late at night in the dark, she says no but he persists.    

Is he being chivalrous not taking no for an answer or is he a threat?

Many readers will instantly consider him a threat and others will disagree and could even feel sorry for him!  Yet make no mistake a man must respect a woman when she says no!   It is the listener not the speaker who decides how powerful a threat will be!

 It's dangerous when someone ignores the word no - it is not chivalrous!

If you watched someone lunging a young horse, minutes before you were supposed to mount and ride it in a lesson,  yet this horse turned itself inside out and back again on the lunge - are you really going to get on board when asked to do so? 

With our horses, especially riding or leading them, we have to look at the context, the behaviour and assess our options.  NO is a valid option whether its about getting on at all, or riding out in a group hack.  (See my article in Your Horse from 2009).

Remember "No" is a complete sentence!

This is a TRANSFORMATIONAL STRATEGY

Strategy 6  - Watch and wait! 

 

Watch and wait is usually the wisest first step when our fear instinct is alerted (assuming we have some time and space to do so).  Unfortunately, we usually 'engage or enrage' (i.e.lash out) instead!

My last 'painful fall' from Grace in May 2013 was a great example of how I 'engaged' when what I should have done was ' watched and waited'.

Just as I was about to mount, Grace went into high alert - tail up, ears pricked, body tense.  Her eyes locked onto a young filly galloping around her paddock in the not too far away distance, screaming her head off as she galloped.  Something had upset the youngster and this had Grace's full attention.

Instead of watching and waiting assessing the situation and my risks which would have let the situation (and Grace) calm down, I persisted and mounted.  45 seconds later I was on the floor in a heap.  (To prove the value of Strategy 2 above, I won't re-live the details here).

As horse people we have these watch and wait moments every day with our horses.  To go into the stable or not to settle a bucking rearing horse; to attempt to catch a horse galloping madly round their field; to erect the electric fencing in high winds and rain, threat of lightening and horses in the paddock! 

Consider this: what is the worst thing that is going to happen if you apply the "watch and wait" strategy?

 This is another great TRANSFORMATIONAL STRATEGY and easy to remember!

When we fear our own future, our success, our health, our identity we have many tools at hand to help us find peace.   Our horses tend to have three tools at their disposal: fight, flight or freeze.
 
These strategies apply equally well for us too.  So here is a short summary of lessons we can learn from our horses:-

We can learn how to fight our fears - with grace, intelligence, wisdom, kindness and acceptance.  

We can discover when to metaphorically run (or turn away) from things that cause us fear like the TV, other people's stories, and replace them with peace, love and joy. 

We can know when to 'freeze' and be fully present, in the moment,  absorbed in an experience physical or mental, good or bad, to draw important learning to us.

Today, while I was discovering my own supressed fear, and blockages, Essy was 'gallopping round his field screaming his head off".  Apparently he did this four times, then stopped, put his head down and carried on grazing as if nothing had happened.

Was he suddenly afraid, caught by surprise at something?  Was he in pain? Was he happy?  Was he running because he could in some kind of celebration?  

When I cried tonight was it a sense of relief, inner joy or was it self pity or realisation of hidden fears?  

Sometimes it takes time to know the answers.  The journey is about having help asking the right questions and accepting we may not always know the answer for certain and that's ok, as long as we are moving forwards.

This evening is not the first time my horses and I tread a similar parallel life.  I hope for Essy like me that today's gallop has released tension in his body.  I hope, like me that it has freed his mind and given him a 'lightness' of spirit.  I hope, like me that it has re-oxygenated his blood and cells.  

I hope that both he and I will both enjoy a very restful nights sleep, free from any fear. 

Silver Linings

In an earlier posting I reflected on the joy of seeing my herd all turned out and living life together. (See post called Musical Fields).

Two weeks on, and the situation changed. 

At first it seemed like an absolute disaster - I got the call to say that Grace and Solar had had a fight and of course (as predicted) Solar came off worst. 

I left my desk and drove straight over trying to stay calm whilst worried about injuries both physical and emotional.  I also had time to worry about what I'd do now with my herd and why on earth this happened less than 24 hours before I was to take a 12 hour flight for my annual holiday, rendering me some considerable miles away on an Island off Africa!

Luck however was with us all that day.

The injury to Solar was on flesh not bone.  Thank goodness my herd are all barefoot and Grace's double barrels are high ones! 

The skin although scraped bear and looking sore, was NOT punctured and so stitches and vets were avoided.  Something to be very grateful for!

Solar and Essy were both head down munching grass as if nothing had happened when I arrived.  Normality for two was at least restored.

Grace on the other hand who had been removed from the field (at my request) was in her stable sweating, biting, rearing and bucking.  Not a sight I wanted to see.

Instead of (as I had imagined) rushing to Solar to inspect the damage, it was Grace who needed my attention and support.  She was so upset.  Whether or not she was upset at what happened, or at being brought in, I couldn't be sure.

The yard manager's partner was sitting next to her stable to provide some comfort. (First hero of the day).

I grabbed some calming essential oils, explained to her that I loved her, and that it was no body's fault what had happened, and lead her out to hand graze.  She calmed down.

The yard manager was a saint and the second hero of the day.  She brought her horse Toastie in from the field for companionship for Grace and we all hand grazed next to the field with Essy and Solar in.

With calm restored and the old woman quickly at my side, (hero number 3 for sharing my worry),  I was able to check out the wound and use the red light around the impact area, then apply seaweed oil onto the wound, before a layer of Green clay with Yarrow oil mixed in.

After much deliberation, I felt it was time to walk Grace back into the field, on a halter, held by Chelsea. Above anything else at that moment I wanted Grace NOT to feel punished in any way.  I know we should avoid implanting human emotions onto our horses but it was a strong instinct and I had to listen to it.

The hand grazing seemed fine, nobody really paid much attention to anyone.  All 3 eat grass in the field together with one human present.  I remained out of the field closely watching and observing.

As this was to be my last afternoon with them whilst I was away for 2 weeks,  I knew I had to make a decision - put them back together and risk them getting on or not, or move Grace out ?

At the forefront of my mind and decision making criteria was:-

1) the horses safety
2) their emotional well being
3) avoiding Grace feeling she was being punished 
4) minimising risk of problems for Chelsea whilst I was gone
5) minimising my stress levels whilst away (If I could even contemplate going)!


I knew that I had to be brave and risk putting them together, whilst I was here, to see if the 'tiff' would now have settled the pecking order of the herd. 

On a mission to avoid taking the easy option out, we put Grace back into the field loose and watched close by.

Grace once let off the lead rope, trotted over to the other two, tossing her head as if to signal her presence and resolve.  The other two took no notice.  So far ok!

For 15 minutes all seemed quiet in fact at one point Grace and Solar grazed next to each other and I began to feel optimistic that herd life could resume.  (This was "a first", as usually Essy always placed himself between the two girls).

Then suddenly it changed and Grace and Solar were butting up bottom to bottom, both back legs about to let rip again.  This time, Essy (bless him) decided to get in between them as if trying to intermediate and almost got kicked in the process.

That was it! 

In a nano-second both Chelsea and I said 'enough'.  We can't now risk Essy also getting injured by taking on the role of peace envoy.  Decision made; they wont be turned out again as a herd. Sad as it felt, but SAFETY has to come FIRST!

After some deliberations and weighing up several alternatives, we agreed to move Grace to a different field, away from the twins.  I was anxious.  I love the field she was to be turned out into but was still plagued by feelings of guilt that she was being 'sent packing'.  Bless her when all she did was retaliate to Solar's constant chasing her off routine. 

But, when you have an amazing yard manager who is sensitive to your stress, the importance of horse safety but also to a horse's happiness and emotional well being, suddenly problems resolve themselves.

Next to Grace in her new field, would be Toastie the 18 year old ex polo pony who Grace seemed to strike up a bond with from day 1.  It was in fact Toastie who had raised the alarm that a fight had kicked off by calling and screaming out loudly when Solar and Grace had "a go". 

Now, for the third time that afternoon, Toastie would come to the rescue and move fields to keep Grace company next door.    In the process, Chelsea and Toastie proved not only to be my life savers that day, but marriage saviours too! 

We decided there was no time like the present to put this plan into action.  The result ..... beautiful!

Grace, immediately went off round the edges of her field as I've seen Essy and Solar do so many times, in the most relaxed and flowing canter.  At times she burst into a full gallop - the first time I've ever seen her gallop and the first time she's had the space to do so.

Briefly I was worried she was galloping from anxiety but with her tail carriage high, and body temperature amazingly cool, she seemed to be running because she could, it was time to express herself without 'minding her manners'!

From that afternoon, they began mutual grooming over the fence.  Since then they have been allowed to have an hour together in the same field, gradually increasing that time together.    A week on and they have blossomed together.

Toastie and Grace that 'silver lining' afternoon!

Skillfully building up their relationship under Chelsea's watchful eye they are now cohabiting together,  just one week on. They even had a sleep over under the stars to cement their bond!

What went wrong with my three being turned out together?   I'll probably never know.  Some possible explanations include...

1.  Two is company but 3 is a crowd
2.  Two who have bonded together for 15 years is too tight a bond to disrupt with a 3rd member
3.  Bad luck
4.  Bad timing
5.  Jealousy
6.  Something else

I don't know.  Prior discussions with equine behaviouralists had all confirmed it shouldn't be a problem.

It could be that having Grace on a different routine each day didn't help.  I had kept her on a timetable of out during the day and in at night.  So, each day she left Essy and Solar in the evening and each morning she re-appeared.  Was this too disruptive?  Did it create resentment from Grace and/ or Solar?  Or was Essy's fickle nature as he shifted allegiance and grazed 'up close and personal' along side Grace, simply too much for Solar to accept? Again, human thinking I know....

Perhaps life for Solar just didn't feel fair, or easy anymore?

For three such placid, calm natured horses to not get on is a shock to those who know them and have worked and lived with them.  To me it was not a shock, although after 2 good weeks the timing did catch me by surprise and I had began to believe we were in the clear. 

It was the age and difference in size that bothered me the most and had always stopped me from turning them out together before now.  In fact, had they not made the decision for me two weeks earlier, I doubt I'd have had the guts to put them all in together. 

We try, we learn, we forgive ourselves and move on.

If anything, events like this just go to show that there is a silver lining on every dark cloud. 

Now Solar has Essy all to herself again - separated only by air!

Essy and Solar back as a twosome

Essy doesn't have to wear his "Mr Brave" face!

Grace has a new friend all to herself and a field where she can gallop her heart out and burn off  both calories and some mental energy.

Pals - Grace and Toastie

All told, the horses are safe and seem to be happy. My holiday didn't get cancelled.  Solar's bum is healing nicely with no swelling thanks to Chelsea's diligent use of the red light and clay.

Four days after the kick.

I have never said 'thank you' so many times to a horse as I did that afternoon to Toastie, out aloud and in my head.  I only wish my husband knew the debt we (as a family) owe her without whom, I would not have been on that plane the next day!  (Second thoughts perhaps it's best he doesn't know not being a "horsey nut" himself)!

Toastie our Heroine!

I am a lucky girl and we are a lucky horse and human family, for which I am extremely grateful!

Born That Way

I'm on holiday, reading.  My book of choice is the first of three books I have bought by Susan Ketchen.  She is a Canadian writer, horse owner and family therapist.

Her books are great; no poetic nonsense or wasted character descriptions - just enough detail to involve you and massive empathy for how it feels to be a teenage girl growing up with a love for horses that doesn't fit in with her upbringing, parental aspirations or suburban lifestyle.  (Sound familiar?)...

The descriptions of how it feels to be misunderstood and slightly out of place as a teenager who doesn't care about boys, clothes and make up, hits the nail hard on the head of how I felt growing up.  It was a constant pull and push of emotions, being true to yourself under a blanket of guilt for trying to be yourself, and by definition not being how others wished you to be!

As I read I was struck by how closely the young teenager's feelings matched my own - both growing up and indeed still today.  I wondered if others might also identify with some of the musings so cleverly captured,  and the struggles we had to deal with it, as we lived alongside family members who simply 'never saw us for who we were and are today'. 

Horses: Part of who I am!

So, as a memory jogger of how you may have felt (like I) growing up with a constant struggle against what you were expected to do (ballet, having your hair done etc)', and to provide reassurance to other horsey middle aged women out there, that you are not alone, nor is there 'anything wrong with you' - below are excerpts from the book "Born That Way".

These few excerpts are the ones that stopped me in my tracks and reminded me of that inner struggle I faced and had me applauding with gratitude and relief, to read it so clearly expressed and with such honesty about the consequences.

---

"For a lot of people just being around horses is enough.  They don't have to own a horse.  They take lessons, they ride horses that belong to other people, they take them to shows, even win fancy ribbons...." 

It's not the picture I had in my head thought Syliva... " It sounds too much like dating other people's husbands"!

---

"Mom always makes the same comment about me being in a "horse-crazy stage", as though... I'll grow out of it. But I know I won't. Not in a million years".

---

After being forced to have highlights in her hair, by her mother ...

"Dad says my hair is great and I look like a twenty-year old and I try to show him I'm happy about this but really I am experiencing a hopeless feeling, like I'm trapped in the wrong life."

---

 On meeting an older 'horsey' girl...

"You into horses?" asks her new friend Kansas

Sylvia nods. It's too much to say out loud

---

About dreaming about horses at night time in her sleep the young Sylvia goes on to say:

"If I couldn't remember my dreams I'd lose at least half of what I enjoy about my life". 

---

When at last she meets an adult who 'gets' her love of horses and asks her "You like horses?"

"I can't speak - "any answer I can think of would only be an understatement, like trying to answer a question about how much I liked breathing..... "

---

Misunderstood by her parents the young Sylvia gets sent to see a shrink at the age of 14.  That shrink (luckily happens to be horsey and soon recognises Sylvie's only problem is that she has a passion for horses and her parents don't!). The shrink goes on to say.....

"Some people never develop passions; they spend their lives wandering along aimlessly looking for something meaningful and fulfilling to do.... whereas some fortunate people discover very early in their lives what is meaningful to them.  And the luckiest of them find ways of pursuing their passion"

---

Towards the end of the book, when the shrink has helped Sylvia's parents to come to terms with their daughters love of horses Sylvie explains:

"this is what I want to do more than anything else.  I want to be with horses.  I can't imagine my life without them.  It's that simple and it's that complicated all at once".

---

Horses: An incredible relationship without words

There are so many themes identified and so succinctly captured, by this author in her books. I guess it's no surprise that I have included those that resonated with me.

Here are some more of my personal daemons that I've had to work on as an adult, largely thanks to the careless words and misguided intentions of others as I grew up.

1. Being reprimanded for having "not grown out of this silly horse stage yet"

2. Having career doors shut in my face with declarations of "no daughter of mine is going to shovel shit for a job"

3.  Those endless efforts and clumsy tricks to get me out of jeans and 'Jaspers' and into tights and skirts!

4.  The berating and mockery into my late 40's about how "time spent with your horses isn't anywhere near as important as being at a family BBQ with my nephews "

5. The daily resentment provided by a lack of work policies to help horse owners leave early to bring in and feed their horses from the rain, but which do allow parents to collect little Johny from school early every day!

Of course non horse bretherin might view the above as farcical, spoilt, or immature,  an underlying 6th bug bear of mine ...

6. Society's' general desire to knock those who love animals not understanding it themselves, and so judging them to the point of exclusion or punishment. They chose not to see the joy and happiness it brings to a person.

Horses; good old fashioned laughter and fun!

Like Sylvia I can not and will not imagine my life without horses.  They are my life and a most essential way of life.  They are a part of who I am  - the biggest part!

Ringwood Cockatoo - enjoying the privilege of riding

They are not a passing phase.  They are not a vocation that requires work, dedication or any other labour intensive adjective.

Relationship without expectation!

They don't have to provide me with happiness, saddle time, rosettes and ribbons.  I have no expectations of them at all,  and so if that is a punishable offense worthy of ridicule, mockery and judgement I guess I'll continue to live with daemons for the rest of my life, cause as sure as eggs are eggs I'm not giving up horses, for anyone, anytime!

Over the years it's been hard to find the words to describe the meaning of horses to me, in my life,  or to articulate the relationship I have with them.  It's often struck me as odd that I clam up and can't explain something so very important to me.

So...I have explored why it's so hard to express my love about horses,  and will try to explain it below, in case it helps others - especially if you are a budding parent who may just give birth to a horse obsessed kid! (In my forthcoming book I go into more detail).

Having set to work on my daemons,  I soon realised that for years as a teenager, I had learnt to suppress my dreams, hopes, wants and needs to prevent  airing them and being judged and mocked. I had denied myself the most important part of me, in order not to 'rock the boat' and to 'be a good girl' who didn't "disappoint".

Shame!

This, together with fighting others attempts to dress me in pink, bows, and steer me towards Speech Therapy as a career meant I ended up suppressing a ton of shame.  Shame at not being the person others wanted me to be.  Shame at being a disappointment.  Such shame would only deepen as my desire not to marry, or have children (and provide the much desired grand children), became an even more clear part of me that I could not express, as I hit 16 years of age.

Make no mistake, 'shame at not being accepted for "who we are" is a killer!  It kills your spirit, your dreams and hopes.  It kills your confidence, your spontaneity and it kills your self belief. It  kills sure as cancer or a plane crash. 

Anger!

But that's not the end of it.  Shame can build up into anger - anger at not being allowed to express who we are and what we want or feel.  That anger born of shame, takes work to recognise and deal with.  From personal experience I can say that it is worth the work, and miraculously out of the other end, can come a sudden shared love of horses from those very family members who relentlessly fought against you and your passion, all those years earlier!

For some, I realise that a sense of "reprieve" from friends and family members may come too late.  For me it's come just at the right time especially as the 'old woman' and I know share a love of my herd and when something happens to any of them I can rely on emotional support not scorn from those closest to me.

That was worth the wait and definitely worth the work!

The benefits of staying true to what's important

Books by the Susan Ketchen:

Born That Way

Grows That Way

Made That Way