It is not all about achievements!

I suspect many of us humans muse away many hours each week, and many weeks each year and then many years of our lives thinking, hoping, worrying about what we will become!

What's wrong with this?  Plenty!

It takes us away from a focus on how we want to live! We get so caught up in what we will do, achieve and "be" that we don't live now, today, here and in the present. This is so different in approach from our horses' way of life, one lacking in any need to plan or aspire - just  live!

We can all get caught up in the rat race of achieving, especially when we take on a sport such as riding. I hear people talk about my horses in the context of what they could achieve or should have achieved!

As an example,  Solar Sue has spent her life playing polo.  She was a high goal playing pony ie. damned good and with the softest of mouths!  When I retired her and began a little local dressage competing, I would hear people say 'she has lovely movement what a waste she spent her career in polo'.  What a judgement!

Solar Sue's Dressage outings in the New Forest

Then there is Grace - a stunning, 17.1 hh (ish) warmblood, bred by the Dutch Vet to the Dutch Dressage team, specifically for a dressage career.  Then I rocked up, met her, bought her and her promising dressage career, with BD points already in the bag by 6 years of age, came to a grinding halt!

Grace grazing, living out 24 x 7

Has Solar 'wasted' her life? Has Grace failed to reach her potential? 

I have wrestled many times with these thoughts.  Then a little voice in my head reminds me that "they are horses - do you really think they have career plans, career goals and career aspirations?"  Put like that it does sound somewhat crazy to humanise our own 'achievement obsession' onto our horses!

In the case of Grace and Solar, I believe from my own observations that they live for today, in the moment, very much focused on now.  This shows up in the way they express their individual needs for food, space, to be scratched, NOT to be ridden, in no mood for change etc.

Grace enjoying space even from her best field buddy

Spiritual gurus say that enlightenment is not an achievement, it's more like a 'homecoming'.  

I have come to think that one of the big attractions for humans withhorses is in being around this very purity that they offer by being in the "now" and being true to their nature, and needs.  Such purity is comforting.  It is honest and welcoming.  It may seem to some like a form of enlightenment.  

Can we humans achieve enlightenment?  How would  this sense of  "homecoming" feel to us?

It must be similar to being "comfortable in your skin".  It must be based in knowing yourself and being accepting of yourself and your situation, moment by moment, such that there is no need to strive for anything else or betyer - beyond the current moment. 

When we think of striving and achieving I look at a horse and I see their main achievement staring us right in our face!  They stand with their heads down.  They walk and graze and sleep with their heads down. They are 'downward looking' beings.   In contrast we 'busy bee' humans tend to look up; we are 'heavenward looking'.  We walk aggressively, we de-value our planet  - after all heaven isn't here it is up there and up there is where we aspire to end our days!

Striving ruins our ability to see what we have today!

I may be stretching things a little here but I fundamentally believe that we have so much to learn about how to be our fullest self, from watching our horses and their nature.

The spirit of the horse is without agenda, ego, aspiration or grudges.  Only in the hands of humans do we see a horse's spirit and fullest self shut down, become aggressive, or fearful.  Equally, it is under our influence that we see them adorned with rosettes and bling and glitz of success!  Bottom line however is that if left to their own devices the horse remains true to his spirit and instinct regardless of achievements which no doubt wouldn't feature in their 'daily to do list'!

Solar Sue and her filly foal in 2002

What if we too could be left to our own devices?  Free to find our true spirit and instinct?  We would be free from gender, culture and age related expectations and obligations.  Could our role as working, married, child raising adults be filled with joy and simplicity instead of strife and complexity?  One thing is for sure -  currently we get so lost in looking upwards, so caught up in thinking about our future that many of us miss out on today! Our horses do not!

Horses remain focused on today - I don't care how talented they are, or what discipline they are trained to perform in.  The nature of the horse is not by instinct - achievement bound.  That is our domain. 

Fortunately we can change.  I am changing.  Slowly.  Our horses change and adapt to oblige us with our whims and goals, so it is foolish and rude, to think we don't need to do a little adapting along the way too.

For me, the biggest change in myself in the last 2 years has been the sudden loss of Goals and ambition.  Maybe it is age or energy related?  I don't think so.  Career and life goals simply feel less relevant and a bit silly! Oops ...  now I am wondering if that's how we make our horses feel?

Another topic for another day!

Can you afford to ignore your horse's GPS?

What if we all have a Global Positioning System?  Something that works just like an internal Sat Nav?  We might recognise it as our true nature, our purpose, our higher being or 'meant to be self'? 

When we ignore our GPS we tend to be in discord with life and those around us - quite literally we have lost our way! 

Being lost or separated from where we should be shows up in many different ways including feeling negative emotions; unhappiness, anger and sadness.  It shows up in the 'less than' we wanted relationships or in our own poor health.  We encounter jobs and bosses we can't tolerate, horses that won't do as we ask and kids we no longer connect with.  We are lost in all senses of the word. 

What if a horse is no different? Can a horse also have it's own internal Sat Nav and 'destination'?  When you think about it - why ever not?

Can you think back to situations when a horse has made it very clear what he/ she did NOT want / to do?  If so then chances are they are equally as capable of knowing what they DO WANT/ to do.  Suggesting freedom of thought and an internal Sat Nav that tries to keep them on course.  On course for a horse (no different from a human) would mean living a life in harmony for their well being.  In harmony with what is best for their physical health and spirit. As a simple example Essy was always very clear about if he was meant to be wearing a rug or not, and if not - he'd tug at it and make a face at me until I removed it.


So what if our horses shoot out 'rockets of desire' and 'missiles of opposition' any time we humans interact with them or ask something of them?  What would that look like?  Is it something we can see, or is it something we only notice when we can't see the behaviour we do want? 

Missiles of opposition might include bucking, rearing, teeth grinding, head tossing, bolting, strategies to avoid being tacked up or mounted and of course ill health.  I'm not a betting girl but I bet that 90% of horse riders and owners will have come across a selection of those behaviours in domesticated horses and probably 'explained them away' using logic - ignoring the horse's true message.

In other words the potential for a greatly improved experience with our horses will always be born from understanding their purpose by examining their instincts and behaviour from a place where we believe that horses (like us), need to follow their own GPS.  They need to follow their own emotional guidance system. 

So when Grace refuses to load in some 3.5 tonne boxes but happily loads into others - she's not being naughty, temperamental or anything else deliberately set out to annoy me - she may just be following her own guidance system that says 'this isn't right' and not in my best interest.  

I now believe that learning to trust our horse's inner guidance system may be what keeps us all safe and well. 

 

Meetings and Horses!

The reason why "Meetings with our horses"  fail to work...

Most meetings fail because they don’t have an agenda right?  Without an agenda there can be a lack of structure and unclear desired outcomes which ultimately results in pointless blah blah, confusion and a waste of time.

Most meetings fail because they do have an agenda!  Uh?   The problem with an agenda is that for all the plus points it offers, it usually results in one of two probably outcomes:-

Discussion and results are controlled and manipulated to suit the desired outcomes inherent in the thinking and planning that went into the agenda 

and/or 
 
No one listens!  As soon as there is an agenda listening becomes sporadic and selective.  We tune in only when we want to or need to.  We don’t really listen to others and build on their views preferring to wait for an opportunity to say what we wanted to say that we've been rehearsing since we read the agenda!

So how do 'Meetings' relate to our horses?

Every interaction you have with your horse is like a meeting.  As the human we tend to do the  deciding about what we really want and need as outcomes from our interactions with our horse.

But if we want to connect (really connect) with the horse which means seeing things from their view point before pushing on them ours -  then it stands to reason we have to drop the need for an agenda. (See why above).

After all, 'connection' with another human or a horse comes from listening and putting aside all of our own desired outcomes. Connection comes from being prepared to go with the flow and see where it takes you. Connection means being willing to listen and to give up on you intention and desire in that moment.   

Bottom line If you want to connect with your horse, shut up, and listen!  i.e. have no agenda.

Is there an argument in favour of an agenda? If you want your horse to fulfil a specific need or activity then you may believe an agenda has a role to play.  You may believe that your agenda blossoming with activity and milestones will help you.  In fact the agenda (it’s activities and milestones) all too often will take over and communication and connection falls by the wayside.   

Bottom line you achieve less of what you wanted.  You may also be sowing unhelpful seeds for reaping later depending on  ‘how’ you achieved your agenda and if in doing so it had adverse consequences for the future.

Such adverse consequences include tightness, resistance, boredom, resentment, pressure, feeling helpless and bully-ed – and that’s just how the horse is feeling!

What do I mean by consequences; now or in the future?  At some point if you keep getting dragged to meetings, asked for your view, then not listened to you’ll stop bothering right?! You'll  stop contributing at all, stop showing up mentally (or maybe eventually physically too).  For sure you will  be default stop growing and gaining insight, fail to achieve and reach your potential.

Bottom line - you don't evolve, others don't evolve and more than likely future meetings begin to sound the same!  Now imagine that from the horse's perspective!  Not a pretty thought for your next schooling session is it?  So, find a way to be interesting for your horse and most importantly be interested IN your horse.

Who is he/she? What signals is he/she emitting today?  Whats normal, what's not?  What does your gut tell you to offer your horse to do?  Do you offer or is what you do non negotiable?  Think about how you show to your horse that you value him/her and what he/has has to offer before laying down demands and expectations.  Just see who shows up today and go from there.....!  It may be one of the best meetings you ever been in!

Those who don't know - often do!

When someone who thinks they have very 'little horse knowledge' or so called 'credibility' approaches your horse and says "sorry, I don't have anything for you" (suggesting she thought your horse expected a carrot or treat), and then says "except love" - you know you've just found someone who knows exactly what a horse needs!

It's good to spend time with your horse looking after their physical needs, bruises, bashes, and cuts.  It's good to nurse them back to health, feed them a natural, chemical free diet, and help them stay healthy.  It's good to exercise together, explore new places and stimulate their mind.

But...

At the end of the day there has to be time spent enjoying the feeling of LOVE together.  There has to be time to bask in and send loving intention to your horse.

Consciously balance the joy of simply 'being in love' with your horse to enrich their emotional needs as with being in charge of their physical needs, and you'll both reap the benefit in heaps!

Sometimes it is better not to know too much and to focus on what's important; LOVE x

Thank you Lisa!

Messing with my mind!

Followers of the "law of attraction" will already know that we 'get back what we put out there'! Meaning... our thoughts attract more of what we are thinking about.  This means if you think you never have enough money in the bank, all you will notice is more bills arriving on the door mat, and never enough money in your account!

The wonderful reality being that the reverse is also true!  The good stuff you focus on also increases the more you focus on and believe in it.

If ever I needed a reminder of this vital lesson was last week.

I was due to be in Brussels for a few days, and a couple of days before leaving, had found myself thinking and then...saying out loud that Grace must be getting bored just being ridden in the menage.  She lives out 24 x 7 with her two field buddies in a big 5 acre paddock.  She is ridden 3 - 4 times a week, interspersed with lunging for exercise and Parelli for brain stimulus.  It is a life free from pressure, sweat and complication.  The problem is it's a life free from pressure, sweat and complication!  There in lies the rub!

So back to my trip to Belgium...

Having been away for just one night I woke up to the dreaded 'missed call' alert on my phone from the yard manager.

Grace had jumped out of her field over night.  She had cleared a 7 foot wide gorse hedge with wire fence running over the top and a ditch inside.  By some miracle she appeared uninjured and unscathed.  A few days later, once home I found she was lame and after a few days had it diagnosed as a shoulder muscle pull.  (One massage later and 2 weeks of box rest and she recovered just fine).

My horror, absence and geographical distance meant I could do nothing except worry for several hours until I could regain some control of my thoughts at all the 'what could have happened' scenarios.  Given that the hedge also travels the length of a busy road, I had to be very grateful that she hadn't jumped in that direction.

Where had this sudden desire to jump come from?  Why now?  Why when I am away?  Why? Why? Why? (You can hear the pity me party setting in...and no end of Belgium Waffles could conquer it)!

It didn't help that only 4 days earlier the vet had put an elastic band around the Sarcoid under her sternum and I was under strict instructions for her not to stretch, roll, and do any big movement that could result in the band 'pinging off'.  Jumping 7 foot wide hedges definitely wasn't on the list of things to do!

So what does it all mean?  My instincts know she is bored.  One of her field mates is pregnant and the other is 10 years older than Grace so whilst they are a close knit herd, maybe life isn't as much fun as Grace would like!  To my human eye it seems like pretty good life if you are a horse, but then I'm not a horse and Grace seems keen to remind me of that!

What are my conclusions?

1. Listen to your instincts and if you sense boredom for your horse in their work routine, it probably is real!

2  Horses may need to have fun!  Maybe that means variety, maybe mental stimulation, maybe trips out, adventure - possibly all of the above!

3.  We are deeply connected with our horses.  The truth is that for the last 2 weeks I too have been incredibly grumpy due to boredom in my work.  My brain isn't being challenged, and each day has felt like a repeat of the day before -  like the scene from Ground Hog day!

4. Pity party's ('why me, why when I'm away') serve absolutely no purpose at all! They simply don't help.

5. Celebrating and being grateful for the fact she wasn't badly hurt, lost or worse is an important coping strategy.

6.  Let go and accept!  Shit happens, but when it happens and you are away, and can physically do nothing, there is only one option left to you; to let go and accept things will be ok.

January will start with a new plan of action and activities for Grace and I only hope it will please her and keep her in her field.   God forbid she finds ME boring and puts in another obvious complaint!
 

To Smack or not to smack

It's recently become 'taboo' to smack your child.  We owe our dependents respect, a nurturing environment and a gentler way! Yet it's ok to whip, spur or smack our horse?

Of course it's not ok,  but there is no enforcement or public outcry if we do!  Surely that can't be right?

This post is not actually about smacking... Usually the human motive behind any 'smack' is fear and worry not some sort of enjoyment of smacking for smacking sake!  We lash out in fear in order to protect - ourself or others!

Often the trigger with our horses is old fashioned disobedience.  In today's increasingly politically correct society the mere word obedience, and disobedience is outcast; frowned upon. There is a growing movement and increasingly loud voice through Social Media populating the notion that we must not think of wanting obedience from our children or our horses.

Yet surely there is a time and a place for obedience?

I know from first hand experience that when I am out hacking on a horse, to keep us both safe, I need to be able to move his / her rear end left towards the kerbside, away from passing cars and on command! My command!   I have no problem describing this as "obedience", and see no point glossing it up as anything else.

Obedience for the sake of it, delivered for the sake of it, with an intention of ruling, controlling, dominating,  punishing or oppressing another living creature I won't ever subscribe to.  Obedience when it is for safety sake - I can! 

As I'm not into labels and try to avoid traps of self deception, I'll keep using the word obedience and not disguise it as willingness, connection or anything else to make some people agree with me, after all we all have the right to disagree - and so do our horses!  Oops what does that mean for the supporters of obedience? Complicated when you start to think of it isn't it....?

My 3 Communication Ingredients

Are you receiving me loud and clear?

The purpose of communication and communicating is to be understood, right?  Meaning to get your message across AND in the way you INTENDED!  

When you think about that - just how easy is it to be accurately understood, just as you intended 100% of the time?  What about 50% of the time?  Truth is its hard to achieve some of the time, never mind all of the time!  So much  can go wrong, just think about how often we misread an email, text or what's app message, or have others misread ours!

Given that between human beings communication often results in us being misunderstood, mis-represented, not listened to, or not believed.... what can we do to increase our chances of getting our views and needs across accurately and consistently?

Studies carried out in the 1960's suggest that in order to effectively get our message across we need to use 3 ingredients, in unison:

words + tone of voice +  facial expressions ...

- they must all convey the same message at the same time!

Malhrabian Studies

So, if  you say the words "that sounds exciting" but you look bored and use a dull, flat tone of voice - chances are you wont convince anyone that you meant what you said!  The other person's response, (always the true test of if we have been understood as intended), is that we get a reaction that can be aggressive, hurt or out to kill us! 

"You're just saying that" or "You're not even listening to me" - etc etc.  Sound familiar?  

In reality it is hard to get all three ingredients together in the right quantity, at the right consistency and at the right time.

So turning to human and horse communication, how do we begin to communicate with them?  Is it more difficult or easy?  Are there 3 ingredients and if so are they the same?

I think communicating with horses entails:

Intention + Tone of Voice + Facial expressions + Breathing 

Plus a dose of good timing = the Communication Recipe!

My personal teacher about how to communicate with my own horses is of course the horses themselves! From them I have learned that in order to follow the above recipe you do in fact need 3 key ingredients and the first is:-

1. ) Vary your communication to suit the needs of each horse!

It's a bit like deciding "do i phone my friend to talk this topic through?'  "Do I email my thoughts to her or do I wait till I'm face to face with her?"  Which will give me the best shot at avoiding misunderstandings?

Take my three horses.  Grace does not respond to pressure or force.   The more pressure and force you apply the more resistance she throws at you.  Essy needs to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean and will spot any weakness in your point of view! He has a very strong sense of 'what is fair' and what is not and will let you know in an instant.  Solar Sue will oblige providing it aligns with what she was planning to do anyway!

Regarding ingredient number 2....

When I would like to ride Grace I have a 50/50 chance that she agrees it's a good idea!  On the days she doesn't feel like it she'll back up as I put one foot in the stirrup, go forwards or swing her hind end away from the mounting block.  As I am only 5" 4 and she is 17.1/2 hh I don't have the leg length to mount from the floor so this 'dance' can go on for quite some time! On occasions I have given up (sometimes in tears).

With some reflection and with some renewed perspective, I see that such moments are there to remind me I have choices about how to respond.  Ingredient number 2...

2. ) Chose your response!

To keep things simple, when Grace doesn't want me to mount her, and before the tears well up in me, and I feel all helpless I have two basic choices available to me (there may be more, but lets work with two for now):

Choice 1

Be firm! MAKE her stand still so I can mount

In other words dominate, use pressure, force, whatever it takes to get what i want.  That is certainly one way of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, but is it communication?  Is it both parties listening to each other, and hearing each other?  For me the answer is no!  It is ONE party over riding the others views.  In my book that's the mark of a bully!

For some people that might be an acceptable communication style.  For some horses it might be acceptable, especially if they are emotionally 'shut down'.

For me, its not acceptable with my horses.  It certainly hasn't  proved to be acceptable for Grace either as 2 of my 3 unplanned dismounts have been within seconds of me mounting her, against her (clearly expressed) wishes - if only I'd been listening to her, instead myself!

Choice 2

Listen and seek to understand, not be understood!

Stephen Covey in his work on 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, focuses on 'seeking to understand (others)' - 'before being understood' (by them). It reverses the focus and is a powerful concept following the principle of putting your audiences needs above your own.

With Grace, this can mean taking however long it takes for us to find an understanding, to reach a level of true communication, so that I can mount.

The truth is that every time Grace moves away as I mount she's saying "I'm not ready to have you on my back".  She is clearly communicating 'no thanks' or 'not now' or something along those lines.  If I chose to show I'm listening to her, really listening then I'll be willing to not ride at all that day, take her and do something else and come back to try mounting again later, or vary the way in which I make my request, (ingredient number 1).

I like to also remember that there are consequences for pushing on with my message, and refusing to listen to my audience (Grace).  As just mentioned, 2 of my 3 falls have been within seconds of mounting her when she made it very clear she wasn't 'ready'!   What better example of consequence is there?

In terms of impact on me those falls have equated to an adverse impact financially (if I can't work), physically (i.e. pain)  and emotionally (i.e. confidence loss), all in one misread communication!

That sure made me wake up to smell the roses!

Ingredient number 3:

3. ) Think through consequences and impacts of your communication!

If I persist in mounting there and then by using force and shoving Grace in the menage corner, or getting someone to hold her still so I can get on, I'm showing her that   "I'M NOT LISTENING", "I DON'T UNDERSTAND " or  " I don't want to understand her needs and feelings"

For sure choice number 2 is fraught with frustration - just as anytime when when we can't get our point across, at work or home, or can't get our own way.

I admit it won't necessarily produce quick results in the short term, compared to those how have more time in the saddle because they choose option 1 and 'made' it happen.

However, I believe that longer term the benefits of following choice number 2 (with Grace) are numerous: more trust, more mutual respect and more willingness to work as a team.  Not to mention more personal safety!

Maybe ultimately that gets you to the same end goal as other riders have, just from a slower starting point.  We shall see, and I'm certainly no expert in these matters, but I sense my horses are!

Reminds me of the Hare and the Tortoise story

In summary, my 3 x C's for effective human and horse communication go like this:

Communicate differently with each horse you work with; respecting them as individuals

Choose your response, don't just react, to unsuccessful communication or frustration

Consider consequences and impacts of your communication so you pursue your point of view wisely

I have found myself many times, standing at the mounting block for half an hour waiting for Grace and I to be in sync and in agreement about me getting on, now, today.

I have gone home at the end of a long work day, in tears unable to mount my horse and unable to have my riding time, while everybody else seemingly is! (Pity party time)! 

I have got in a right strop and stomped back to the stable to put Grace away in disgust showing no compassion and fueled by embarrassment and feelings of defeatism.

I now know, that in those moments I need to STOP!   I need to assess the situation and THINK about what I do next, and NOT what  I want?

I have learned NOT to be driven by my watch, my "I only have 40 minutes before I have to go" excuses that justify me making a bad choice of how to communicate.

I have learned that being safe, and being smart and preserving the relationship is far better than a 30 minute ride, wondering with every stride, at what moment she's 'going to let me have it as payback for choosing option 1 above!!  

Payback from a 17.1hh warm blood with attitude has resulted in me being in A&E and whatever 'urgent' appointment I had that made me chose unwisely  - was missed anyway! Big picture not little picture is the name of the game and one well worth remembering, in my experience.