Clinging On!

Why do people follow the word or practice of others, with the fervor of a religious calling?

In this post the question posed is for us 'horsey folk' to consider our devotion to any horse training techniques, be that "natural" or 'other.'

It is irrelevant to this post what any individual training technique is, or who the teacher is.  I am not about to rain on someone's parade by condemning any method or style of horsemanship.

I simply want to pose questions around what lies beneath our own behaviour when we cling to methods, heroes or gadgets, especially when those methods get challenged and we fight hard NOT to listen, clinging to it, as if it provides the only truth!

What might surprise us is that often our 'followership' of a method or technique runs much deeper than simply buying into the logic behind it, or the attraction of the results it creates.  Let's explore...
 
We all have the potential to house a strong desire to remain who we are (our unique identity), even if that causes us problems such as addictions, religious fanaticism, victim mindset, or loser. Siblings fight to differentiate themselves, children fight to 'be seen' by their parents and spouses fight 'not to be changed' by t'other!

We want to be ourselves and remain true to that! (Or, at least be true to the person we think we are and see as ourselves).

Who we are and what we believe in, originates from our past - our early childhood years.  However, we've forgotten to remember that almost nothing that was going on in our lives and environment back then, still applies today!  Most things have dramatically changed.  Many of the people who were early 'influencers' on our thinking and behaviour aren't around anymore.

Most of us don't re-visit our childhood born beliefs to evaluate if they are still useful today. 

Why not?  What are we afraid of?

First of all, knowing who we are provides certainty; we know our role and our place in life, society our family and home. We also know what to do in certain situations and we become predictable to others (which others like).  Once we believe something (for example 'nice girls don't boast' or 'hard work brings just rewards'),  such beliefs become like a backbone supporting us, which makes us very resistant to change them.

Additionally, as social animals our identity and beliefs help us to take our place in the herd. Without it, we cannot relate or bond. Social exclusion seems to be worse for many of us, than any of the complaints resulting from a problematic identity and belief system - including addictions, crime, or a victim mentality. 

In other words,  on a subconscious level as long as we are someone and belong to a social system or group, we can live on, however problematic. (Also explains why on Face Book someone wanted to know "who is Debbie Percy" as if I had to be a 'somebody' to voice my questions about the legitimacy of the Horseman's Calling Event).

Joining in with and belonging to horse groups and specific training methods can lead us to attend Tours, Demos, Events and Rallys where other like-minded disciples can hang out together... 

After all, there's safety in numbers and we can't all be wrong! Right?

It can also lead us to rise up, speak out and defend such a group against any criticism (valid or otherwise) but why? Why bother? Why get angry? Why spend time blogging, posting etc?

I think it has to be explained simply.  Amongst all our complex beliefs, personality factors and motives, a lot of the time humans (horsey or otherwise) have a need to be right.  We hate it when we are wrong, at home or work.  It's as if being right somehow validates who we are and in turn, our very existence.

If we stopped to think it through, I am sure we would have a quick private giggle at our own folly!  I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy than right! I'd rather have a unique, real, connection with my horses than simply copy what someone else does!

So exactly what is the problem in defending something you believe in?  

Nothing on the face of it, except that history shows us it's danger when taken to its extreme and leads to violence, wars, civil unrest, oppression or revolution and cruelty to ones own kind.

Extremes occur when we lack balance. Balance often comes from perspective - a change of; a difference in; or a fresh one!

If we are to develop our awareness as humans to really connect with horses, then growth comes when we embrace our problems as agents for our growth.

So, instead of being furious about someone's criticisms of something you follow, why not be curious? Why not step back and think about what they see (even if we don't see it like that)?  Why not see it from another view point and THEN decide to poo poo it or not?  My mum always used to say...

"pass your exams first, then you can criticize the exam system"

Why should we step back and think before we attack or defend?

No one has to! It's always our choice.  But, if we continue to attempt to protect ourselves from the problem of others opinions not agreeing with our own, it can end up running your life.  Both the problem, and the pattern!  I have seen this in my own life but it took 35 years before I noticed!

Until I opened my eyes, I had been full time employed in the pursuit of proving my independence and my disdain for commitment or marriage -regardless of the views of others close to me.  I had my career and I pursued that with conviction - I had a ladder to climb!

I climbed that ladder but soon fell out of love with the view! Suddenly the very thing I had fought tooth and nail to defend, held no value and seemed rather silly in the grand scheme of life!

My fear of not being good enough, others knowing more than me, making bad decisions or simply getting it all 'wrong' had run my life and limited what I could see from the windows of my mind.

It's actually quite exhausting having to think about yourself all the time!  

The constant inner chitter chatter that rises up to make us attack another's view, or follow someone else without checking if it's still relevant, is usually born from fear.  An example of that fear might be anxiety around trust.  So, once we place our trust in Monty, Pat Parelli, Mark Rashid, Carolyn Resnick or Debbie Percy - we don't want to be exposed and have to go through the process of trusting, all over again.

We want to be right!  We want to be safe!  We need a Guarantee!

I soon realised that every time I was trying to make myself feel better (or right) it meant I wasn't ok inside!  When our psyche needs protecting,  we often seek false sanctuary with others, in a blessed place (aka the Demo or Tour).  Of course it provides no safety, the criticisms exist outside that space and are waiting for us on our return. 

Yet we don't have to devout our life to satisfying our psyche (inner chitter chatter)! A naturally healthy body and mind is one that just does what it's supposed to do while we go about our business.  The mind is supposed to come up with thoughts.  That includes questions.  It is intended to work with imagination and analysis.  Not just one instead of the other!  It is a computer, a tool. It is NOT us!

Our mind can be used to ponder great thoughts, solve scientific problems and serve humanity.  The good news is that there is no monopoly on how we can serve humanity or who knows best!  Our brains are capable of building on what others have created or invented before us, and taking that to the next level.  We are constantly evolving and this includes, our methods of training and how to "be" with our horses.

When we resist 'new', 'different' we resist this natural evolution.  It makes no sense to fear it. It's perfectly natural!

I believe that most of us in the horse world can live together side by side even when our minds fire off in different directions.  It is what's driving our hearts that unites us.  Perhaps it is time to start listening to our hearts before we start talking or attacking.  I know when I wrote my blog about the Horseman Calling Competition it was in my heart that felt I had to. I just used my head and brain to express what my heart was sensing! I tried to understand the goals, intention and process behind the event in order to know if it was calling me to attend it.

We may still not agree with one another when we listen to our hearts before our heads, but we might realise it's not worth fighting over, without first seeking to understand it further.  For me (with the Horseman Calling Event), I could not balance their focus on competition, tests and speed to back a two year old horse along side their mission of  'doing good for the horse'.  The latter resonated with my heart the former did not!  

Had I had more notice of the event happening I would have made contact with the organizers to ask some questions to deepen my understanding of the event, beyond what was on the website.  I am glad however that I had only the website to go on, as it helped me really think about what I was reading.  To improve our ability to read, listen, speak and actually notice what is being said (or not said) has to be a good thing if we are to wake up and take responsibility for what we do, who we join with and support.

Stephen Cover encourages in his Business Management books to ...

"seek first to understand; before being understood"

For over a decade I fought and resisted even looking into the work of Pat and Linda Parelli, believing it to be circus tricks and nothing more.  Two years ago that changed for me.  I have now worked with their approach, used it, found it to have value and limitations and consequences.  In summary I believe that as an approach:

- it has many positive aspects and useful learning to be shared that is of help and value for humans and horses 

- it is not however a panacea for all ills!  It is not THE way, nor the ONLY way, nor the RIGHT way.

It is simply ONE way!

The more 'enlightened' Parelli trainers know this.  They would agree.  They encourage owners to merge their approach with other ways.  To use the best from different methods and dump the rest!  That feels healthy to me.

I want to be respected by a trainer as someone with my own heart and head.  I am not a sheep and don't expect to be cast aside for not following a trainer's every whim and suggestion.  Nor do I expect to absorb what a trainer tells me as if it is gospel, because it just might not be!

When Essy spoke of Humans needing to become much more aware I wonder if he was trying to encourage us to go outside, go beyond the walls and windows of our mind to see what exists in the world beyond! Our heart can often help us in that endeavour.

I have had my best 'breakthrough' moments to escape my old limiting patterns when I have decided to lower the draw bridge and walls of my fortress. There's actually no need to continue to support, maintain or defend my fortress. My let go moments were often leaps of faith, where I followed my heart not by brain! (Just ask my husband)!!!

If you feel that more and more you are being pushed beyond your comfort zone (fortress walls) - celebrate! Every time something comes into your awareness that rocks your foundations of what you thought was right or true - be thankful!

If our horses are to be our Guides on our journey of 'waking up' we will experience these feelings more and more.  Every time we are tested, we have an opportunity to grow! That has to be 'for the good of our horses'.

Back to my question of do we want to be happy or right?  Life is going to change.  New things will happen and new opinions will appear.  The question is are we willing to be happy regardless of what happens?

Our life purpose is to enjoy life and learn from the experience.  To be happy we have to let go of melodrama.  After all, to keep things in perspective we are but a dot sitting on a planet that is floating in an empty space in a universe that goes on forever!

Does it really affect you, what I, or anyone else says unless you decide to let it?

If we are going to be here, we may as well be happy and accepting of others and their points of view. 

If we make our happiness conditional upon what others say and do, we are in real trouble! 

If we suddenly found out our hero or guru was a fraud where would that leave us?  Our core would be rocked. This is dangerous.  An antidote relys on us deliberately paying close attention to the work of gurus or experts, especially amongst any claims of the Messiah amidst us, because it matters to do so!  

With gurus and ourselves for that matter, it's not what we are doing or supporting, but how much of us is doing it!  It needs to be our whole self: body, mind, heart and soul, being present, awake, aware and accepting.

Sometimes when we discover we had been following a fraud its because they don't walk their talk 24 x 7, and we haven't being paying attention!  The clues are usually there if we are open minded enough to notice!

Putting people up on a pedestal is a risky business; there's typically one way for them to go! Being open to someone else's different perspective can help us avoid looking like a right burk later on if we've blindly following something/someone like an idol, only to find out their full transparency left something to be desired.

It is scarcity that makes things valuable or precious.  

Natural horse ways are still practiced in the minority by horse people,  but anyone calling for us to be even more in tune with the meaning of 'natural' (as we know it thus far) is a friend not a foe!  Even if their perspective seems at odds with ours or sits uncomfortably with us.  Think of Monty Roberts and how long it took for him to be accepted and not ridiculed or condemned!  

As I believe horse people share a common heart felt desire to help horses, maybe future Natural Horse Gatherings will sound more like...

Hearts calling, not Horseman calling! 

Meanwhile, why not get the most out of this life and be able to give back to our horses the best we can, from a range of options out there, following our heart, respecting our head, but not blinded by loyalty or fear!

Besides being right all the time, must be quite boring after a while?!

Follow the Leader!

Do you remember playing "Follow the Leader" as a child? ... 

It's a game where a leader or "head of the line" is chosen, then the children all line up behind the Leader. The leader then moves around and all the children have to mimic the leader's actions. Any players who fail to follow or do what the leader does are out of the game. The last person standing other than the leader is now the new leader.

Looking back I can't recall if I enjoyed the game or not.  Was I ever the leader?  If so,  how creative was I in leading my followers? Was I any good at following, and copying the leader?  What did I learn?  How important was this game as  part of my growing up?

What I do know, is that as adults we play this game all the time, often without realising.

At work, we learn to mirror and match the body language of those we need to impress, influence or emulate.  An entire industry exists around the Art of Leadership, learning it, being assesed in it and of course both Industry and the Military can't exist without it.

This lead and follow concept even seems to happen at home.  Not just in terms of men and women taking turns to play a lead role over things like managing finances, managing the kids, or picking out the new curtain fabric, but its such an engrained dance of 'two step' that we end up even looking alike!  

Research says married couples end up looking alike, taking on each others mannerisms and facial expressions.  Taken to another extreme you may have found yourself watching Crufts this week and thinking to yourself  'how alike many pets and humans' look.

It seems that within any normal day, we can spend time in either the "follow" mode or the "lead" mode, except when it comes to being with our horses.  When, I bet for most people, we revert to taking the "Lead" role.  Even if we consciously try to soften our leadership style believing it to be a 51:49 joint venture, ultimately WE assume the position of Leader.

Why, and is there an alternative?

Traditionally we are taught by others that most alternatives are fraught with  danger putting us in risk of  getting pushed over, trodden on, thrown, bitten, kicked, trampled etc,.   (Thank god horses don't work in our offices too or we'd never leave home)!

Parelli and 'Join Up'  have in many ways helped many people pave a way to safety when confronted with such overpowering risks.  Interestingly, when you re-examine these techniques  (all of which Ive experimented with), they still assume and are based on the fact that WE must take the leader role.

This got me thinking.... and so I now want to investigate what it might be like, to un-learn being the leader, and to play the game of " follow the leader" with my horses. I want to find out what happens when I follow them and their attention and whim,  without any pressure, agenda or purpose from me.

I want to find out what that's like for me now, as an adult.  What kind of experience will it be?  Can we live in harmony and safety?  What will my horse and I get out of it?  (Spoken like a true left brained, linear thinking human)!!!

Will I even be able to let go of the need for control?  First I'll have to have a clear picture in my head of what that alternative looks like and how i'll do it.

Personality and Horse Type; Lets Keep It Simple

In my day job I spend time helping people discover more about themselves. Who they are, how they tick, how they are motivated and how they approach life.

I have access to many tools, inventories, questionnaires to help with this process of discovery.

Yet, with most people we reach a point of information overload; noticeable by the "so what, now what" syndrome.  These questions when posed at the right time are a positive sign that we're getting somewhere.

Inevitably, what happens to most of us is that after a period of naval gazing, introspection, soliciting feedback and gaining insight we are left confused.  "How do I put all this data together"?

The experience can be the same when we 'assess' our horses.  With an increase in the popularity of taking human, corporate and psychological principles such as 'personality type' and transferring them onto our horses, is it any wonder that it's long term effectiveness gets called into question? If it is hard for us to assimilate about ourselves, can it really have value when applied to our horses?

Does it really help me communicate, connect with and show compassion to a horse if I know he/she is an Introvert or extrovert?  I believe that if we look at such labels in isolation, they remain just labels and have a limited shelf life.  However, if (as with our human personality factors) we consider them as simply wardrobe accessories, with each factor existing in its own right to be used as and when needed, for different occasions, then we don't fall foul to the tendency of  'summing up' personality - human or horse. It is in the 'summing up' that we loose all the detail and intrigue. Sometimes the sum of the whole isn't greater than the individual parts, let's learn to notice and respect each and every individual part.

If we want to learn the various 'horse-anality' models available to u, a quick pause to assess our intention might be enlightening.  The love, respect and 'followership' we desire from our horses rarely (in my view) comes when we pass man made exams to prove our knowledge of the latest technique. 

Next time we find ourself 'labelling' our horse as this type or another, let's remember to add on 'today' at the end of the sentence.  Be fair to our horses.  He / she can wear any manner of accessory dependent on mood, weather, environment, stimulus, stress, human interaction etc.  Most humans hate being labelled, boxed and categorised finding it disrespectful and never the full story.  Why on earth should our horses respond any differently?

Besides which doesn't the  beauty of being with animals rest in the simplicity and transparency they offer us both in how they chose to interact with each other and in their acceptance of us and our ways?  Why would we disrespect that by fixing human labels onto a non human species who in all honesty probably knows much more about who they are, than we do, without any need to complete psycho-metrics or fall into a convenient 4 box model?