Mothers Day Musings

On a day brimming with messages of "Happy Mother's Day" I only had one wish...

... for my horses to be re-connected with their Mothers, living or otherwise, 

spirit form or physical.   

What does "mothers day" mean to a horse owner or carer?

Many of us see ourselves as our horse's mum!   We 'bill and coo' at them, uttering "mummy's here" or "mummy will get this or that for you.." others describe us as their mum either to our horse, or when talking about us, in front of them.   

Why? Is this just a habit we've got into, or is it born from some deeper need to play 'mum' and feel loved and needed?

To me it doesn't matter.  What does matter is that I have an overwhelming feel of 'wrong doing' whenever we find ourselves fulfilling a maternal role for our horses, without consent.  I'm just not sure it is what they want or need. It seems more about 'us' than it does 'them'. Instead of doting on them human made gifts of new bandages or head collars, instead of dreaming of the latest saddle to make them perform better, shouldn't a loving 'mum' offer them field time with a buddy, no metal shoes, or feeds free of high starch, molasses and sugars?  Isn't anything less, disrespectful to their needs, and who they are biologically?  Isn't mothering our horses forgetting all those amazing Mares out there - the real mothers of our horses, who should not be forgotten from our thoughts. 

That might sound quite extreme and 'odd' but it's how I feel, why? I think because it's about both respect and equality - two important values.

No matter how many parents there are out there doing a good job, many do not!  There is nothing worse than a parent not respecting who their child has become, when grown up.  A parent not seeing you for who YOU ARE.  A parent refusing to let go of 'their baby of the family', etc.  It tips me over the edge of all reasonableness and into a big time danger zone....!

I have no argument with any woman (or man) wanting to pour their love on another.  Though surely, we can express that love for our horse as a friend, carer, or companion, without the need to take on a parental role?  Surely we can learn to show love for our horses in a non-human way, by fulfilling as many of their needs as we can and never settling until we've achieved more!  This would put the relationship much more on an equal footing.

How can a human be a parent to another species?  Many of us seem to struggle to do the job well for our own kind, so what would the "how to" Manual for "Inter Species Parenting" contain?

Parents play their most useful role, in the early years of our life, when they are in control of our every need: feeding, dressing us and keeping us safe.  Beyond that some can grow and change with us, into fine friends and mentors, others don't, and continue to 'micro manage' our every move. 

The basis of parenting (in a child's early years) is not based on equality and respect.  It is based on right and wrong, survival or vulnerability, fear, control and 'mum knows best'!  That's not a dynamic I wish to impose on my own horses but if we are honest, for many of us it is the only model of parenting that we identify with.

How well would that work for our horses?  To me it wont work well for so many reasons.  Firstly, humans have developing needs, evolving over time, a lifetime in some cases!  Eventually, some of us realise who we are before we die.  Horses tend to be evolved and 'whole' sooner.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually, they are who they are,  early in life - relatively speaking and they stay that way throughout life unless at the hands of human abuse or cruelty.

Secondly, and I've written before on this point, is the dynamic of 'control' and how that does not work well for many horses.  Can we give "being in control" up, and follow our horse's lead?  How does a horse respond to the inevitable pressure that someone controlling them exerts on them?  How does a horse without freedom of expression learn, grow and handle himself safely and calmly in a human environment?

I've been on a fast track learning path about what a horse needs and in the past I certainly didn't 'know best' (thought I didn't know it), nor do I know it all yet. I'm learning every day, about what a horse needs, and how they experience a life of domesticity with us humans.  

My own role with my horses is to focus on how best I can meet as many of their needs as I can, being the one making decisions for them about their freedom, feeding, exercise etc.  If this is your experience of being parented (meeting another's needs) - great, maybe you as mum to your horse wont tip the disrespectful scales in the wrong direction.

If it's not, then maybe we should each find our own version of parenting that would raise healthy functioning adults and once we've figured that out, consider if it is ethical to apply it to a horse.  If we conclude it is, then knock yourself out playing mum!

Meanwhile next time you catch yourself doing baby talk to your horse, ask yourself if that sounds like respect, equality and you recognising your horse's needs and evolution?  When we clothe them, bed them like hamsters and cage them up for hours at a time, are we recognising and respecting the horse within?  Do we see our horse as a horse, or a rather large surrogate Barbie doll, to do with as we desire?

Are we playing parenting games dishing out homework, chores and curfews because we can and haven't stopped to consider another way?!

(My thanks to Vicky Spicer (https://twitter.com/VickySpicer) for getting my creative juices going today!).