Essy learning to be a horse

If you've followed this blog you'll already know that when Essy met Margrit Coates on February 10th 2013 it was the first time in 15 years of being with him that I'd ever witnessed him lick a human's hands.

Since February he is a different horse.  Calm, Confident, Courageous, Chatty.  He no longer shrinks back from strangers approaching him. 

Over the years we've been together he's been in close quarters with other horses.  He has always shared a paddock with his life long friend Solar Sue.  Yet, despite being a playful horse and happy to pull rugs off the back of field mates, he's never groomed a horse or known how to accept them trying to groom him.

Today I introduced him to another opportunity to groom.  He is learning.  Even at 21 years of age, he is getting close - as the photo shows.  He still really doesn't get it and has no clue he is to use his mouth and teeth, but im hoping the penny will drop!  It's such a natural horse to horse behaviour, except I guess for a horse whose early years were deprived of horse interaction.

I live in hope and know ill weep buckets!

The Allure Of Horses

It intrigues me why humans are hooked on horses!

At my seminars I often ask riders and owners "Why?...  Why do you have horses in your life? Why do you ride?"

The replies can often sound varied but in fact they all have one thing in common - a release of deep 'emotions and feelings'. Horses seem to enable us to connect with feelings missing in every day life.  These can be feelings of deep love, connection and understanding towards the horse, or feelings of self expression that the horse brings out in us.  Some recent examples of what people have said about why they have horses - include...
 

Freedom!

Sense of deep connection

To feel the wind in my hair

Allows you to truly forget about the outside world

 

Communication between me and another creature

It gives me a sense of achievement and freedom
 

It provides me with the most amazing feeling in the world where nothing else matters

 

Makes me feel free, happy and content 

When I ask clients and horsey friends to think of a metaphor that describes what being with their horse is like for them, here are a few of my favourites...

"It's like...."

Drinking a large glass of good wine :)

Driving a top-of-the-range Rolls Royce with super power steering!

Melting chocolate

Harmony

An early summer morning

Floating on clouds

The biggest hug!

If this is how alive we can feel around horses, if this is illustrative of what we get out of being around them, whether riding, competing or not, don't we owe them a huge debt of appreciation in return?  

Unlike in our human to human relationships where we tend to keep a mental tally of who owes whom for what...horses don't!  Whereas at home, we know exactly who last took out the rubbish, whose turn it is to empty the dish washer etc, with our horses this unhealthy game of resentment doesn't exist. 

What we owe our horses in terms of a debt of appreciation is not just about our thanks for positive things we do feel around them freedom, melting chocolate etc, but a deeper thanks for the person we are NOT; when we are around them! Free of resentment, bitterness, judgement or petty arguments we can be more of our true selves.  

If I spent my whole working day, my horse time and my family time mentally 'score keeping' I doubt life would ever feel light, free or  happy. People need to have times, places and relationships where we can escape from being our angry, judgemental, bitter, resentful selves and re-connect with our full self to feel love, joy, harmony, softness.  I believe this is why so many of us are drawn to horses.

For those who do not succumb to the magnetism of a horse, it might be through a sense of music, art, cooking or nature that they tune back in to their "full self".

Many books have been written trying to express this human 'love affair' for horses.  From the work of Elizabeth Kay McCall and the Tao of Horses, the quotes below capture the incredible depth and spiritual level the horse can reach within the human psche. 

"...horses new role is a mental and emotional asset" 

   - James Wyllie Co-owner of Paramount Movie Ranch

"you could just sit with a horse and feel better"

- Michael McMeel Owner of Inner City Slickers Ranch, USA

"horses put people together, people from all different fields. 

They are the great equalizer..."

 "...horses are a way of life. Those moments are the moments that count" 

- Joao Oliveira - son of Nuno Oliviera the great European Dressage Rider

"horses teach you a lot - instead of a person talking back at you, 

they'll act back to you"

- Jorge Ludwig Chilean Trainer

 "The cattle on a hill belongs to the Lord....

My wife isn't mine she's been loaned to me by the Lord....

They are gifts. To me, the horse is one of those gifts" 

- Randy Rieman - Cowboy Poet

"They're more than just horses, they're special souls"

- Wayne Newton Arabian Horse Breeder

"animals in general, give a positive perspective to people.

Unless you learn to understand, appreciate, and love animals, 

you have that much less understanding and appreciation and love for humans"

- Louis T. Holz served in USA Cavalry

 

"I think horse riding is a meditative experience, as much as it is a spiritual one" 

-Launsky-Tieffenthal Diplomat and Eventer 

"Horses are teaching me about real patience and kindness - 

the incalculable value of kindness... they will repay you a hundred times"

"horse back riding keeps me in life everyday - 

it makes me have true relations with others and with nature"

- Tedi Tate Movie Producer

"to know a horse you have to know yourself" 

"so how do you come with a pure heart? You have to be free... 

allowing your rhythm and the horse just to weave something so beautiful you just go 'wow'"

"freedom is being able to be open so you will hear, what is right and pefrect for that being 

and that being will respond. 

At the end, the question for anything is, 'Am I myself?' 

I cannot experience a horse otherwise"

-Dr Hew Len - PhD., Educator and practitioner of Ho'oponopono

"the more people know, the less they feel.  Unless we are able to feel, in a way, 

we are less intelligent than the horse or animals in general" 

-Bartabas  - Founder of Theater Zingaro 

To use Elizabeth's own words "Horses transcend language, culture and politics..."

  
A personal favourite from Joao Oliveira:-

" A horse can make you feel like you are capable of doing anything, even if you aren't a talented rider.  

It's kind of like he has wings on his feet and takes you above every little difficulty you have with riding.  

He lifts up your spirit"

I love Joao Oliveira's thougths as it would be such a wonderfully simple, honest way of being towards humans and horses if it were our own mantra for life. Such an extroardinarily unselfish way of being. 

If the allure of horses can help us to develop this as a mission in life, the world truly will be a much safer place!

Living On A Table Top!

Imagine being 'you' (a feeling, thinking human being) and living 24 hours a day, 7 days a week  standing on your dinning room table all day long!

(The above is a real photo taken to show the lack of space we allocate our 'beloved' horses!


Imagine that your only break from life on that table top is when a 10 stone (or heavier) human comes along, slaps tight and heavy tack across your face and back, takes you off the table, gets straight onto your back (piggy back style) and then asks you to run!

Most of us would say that as a 'way of life' the above is at best uneducated, at worst its physical and mental abuse.

I pick a table top to imagine standing on simply to convey the feeling of restriction we humans would feel, and how akin that experience must be to a horse living in a stable, versus a natural pasture environment.

A stabled existence does sadly describe life for many domestic horses.  For what ever reason horses are kept in a stable all day long, there is no need for the so called 'more intelligent' of the two of us (i.e. we humans) to ignore basic physical and emotional needs of our equine partner.

How could we treat our horses more intelligently?

Step 1: Lead your horse out of the stable in a halter - no tack - round the yard for a few laps.  Let him move his body and wake up his mind!

Step 2: Lunge him (tack free) for 10 minutes to gently warm up his muscles and give you the chance to observe his movement and pick up on his mood!

Step 3: Tack up!

Step 4: Before Mounting.... lead him round the menage/ school for 3 or 4 laps. Let him feel the tack around his body.   Spend this time grounding yourself, breathing deeply, warming up your body, creating a focus and plan for your session.

Step 5: Mount - knowing by now your horse is more ready to accept you mounting and is more physically capable of working with you on his back.

Step 6: Warm up in the saddle - take 5 minutes once mounted to get in 'sync' together with a warm up in walk, working him low and long, doing simple gymnastic lateral moves.

Step 7: Enjoy! Have a healthy, successful ride!

 

Respect yourself and your horse.  Keep it simple; be fair and considerate.

How To ... Be Loving to Our Horses!

What does 'being loving' to our horse mean? 

What does it look like? How do we do it?  How would a horse answer?

I'm defining love as a feeling, and 'being loving' as the way we act, which should then have the result of making others feel loved. So what does being loving (human to human) look like? Before considering our ability to be loving towards horses, who are you loving towards in your life, are they loving back to you? 

Top Tip: 

List out the people in your life you believe you are being loving towards 

and then list out who is loving, towards you.

Most of us want to believe that friends, family, spouse are loving towards us and vice versa, but often we don't stop to check.  The truth, when we examine it can be quite different.  Here is a list of loving actions to compare your own behaviour against, as well as those of others.

1. Giving: love, time, tenderness, understanding, patience, support etc. Giving because you want to, not to get something in return. Giving because it makes the person you love feel good.

2. Responding to another's needs: Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. To be understood, to feel safe, to be communicated with, to be cared for.

3. Respecting: Another's emotional nature. Treating anothers feelings as if they are as important as your own - because they are. Caring enough to understand and relate to what that person is feeling, not just thinking.

4. Knowing: A person's vulnerabilities, strengths, and emotional needs to help you understand and respond to him/her.  See life through their eyes, their emotions and their needs.

5. Committing: To another, to his or her welfare and happiness. Committing in a way that engenders trust.  Being there for them no matter what.

6. Having Humility: To know that a person can be more, learn more and grow more without judging.  Seeing his/her beauty, goodness, potential and lovability no matter what

7. Caring: In your actions, communication, and thoughts.  Demonstrating you care so that the other person knows you care. Being considerate.

How well do the people in your life demonstrate the above list towards you?  Do you give it back? 

Re-read the list again, this time considering how much of it applies to a horse?  Almost all of it could be coming straight from the horse's mouth as their definition of how to be loving.

In our human to human relationships this list can be a tough one to match up to so its no wonder that being loving towards another species such as a horse may not be as easy as first thought, given we can't get it right with our own species!

I wonder if an absence of loving relationships is in part the reason why so many of us are drawn to horses (or other animals) in the first place, looking for a substitute for what's missing in our own lives?  (That's for another day)!

It always shocks me how suddenly horse owners can lose their temper with their horse and lash out verbally, or physically. In my book this is the exact opposite of being loving and certainly destroys trust. I'm sure we don't want to behave like this but were unable to deal with our anger and chose a different response. Why can't we be compassionate and more loving in our responses? 

Top Tip:

Count how often you lose your temper in a typical day? 
 

Do you even notice it happening?

The answer usually lies in our past.  Our early experiences will keep playing out in our current life. As an example in my early life I experienced a lot of bullying and I spent many years being intimidated by those bigger, older or more senior to me, even those supposed to 'love' me.  As an adult most of my bosses in a 27 year career have been physical or emotional bullies. Bullying was a familiar way of life by the time I was 7 years old and as such it set the tone for the rest of my life.
 
So if a horse I am with behaves in a challenging or domineering way it's easy to see I could quickly interpret that as 'bullying' me.  If that hasn't been a pleasant life experience then my range of responses will be limited and emotionally highly charged.  I may 'step up' my demands on the horse as I try to fight back!  Rarely a helpful strategy with horses. So back to the question of how loving are we being to our horses? 

As far as I know horses naturally don't choose to put themselves on the end of a length of rope and go round in repetitive circles. They weren't born hoping to have a 10 stone human on their back for 20 years. So when and if they throw their 'toys out of the pram' surely it is a test of our understanding, compassion and ability to be loving - rather than a test of our horsemanship skills or 'fighting attitude'.  Of course for decades the language of  horsemanship has revolved around fighting talk in words such as submission, repression, breaking the spirit of a horse, dominate and punish. It's  certainly not the language of love!

Top Tip: 

Notice the words you use to describe your horse's action/behaviour.

What does it tell you about the patterns you notice most readily around you?

Why are these patterns in your life?

In order to be more loving to our horses, wouldn't it be great if we could ask them what they need? Margrit Coates offers some guidance in her book "Horses Talking" suggesting the list below is a horse's 'wish list' of needs. 

To receive ...

Patience, kindness, integrity and plenty of horse knowledge

Empathic, loving teaching (training)

Understanding that they hurt (emotionally) just as we humans

Many hours of free time, outside in a paddock 365 days a year

Social and play time with other equines

Tack and a saddle that is properly fitted

A rider who doesn't expect me to be perfect

Freedom to make some choices in life

Permission to express my personality and individuality

Enough to drink and eat, with herbs and forage

Healing hands that touch me

Love and to share my love

Peace

Putting all this together means horses and humans need the same things - except for the herbs, forage and saddle! 

If we want to develop our loving relationships then acting in accordance with these two lists will put us in good shape!  

Top Tip:

How well do you score using either list of loving actions and needs? 

Notice where you excel and where you fall short?  

None of us should try to be perfect but everyone can learn more about ourselves and those we interact with.  The more we can be loving to other beings the more that 'loving experience' will grow back and return to us, ten fold. That's got to be worth a try!

How To Be Without an Agenda!

I want to explore further this concept of being with Essy without having an agenda. It was one of his important messages to me and to all humans who interact with horses. 

On first thought an agenda to me means two things; needing to get certain stuff done and in a set time.  The most obvious frame of reference for me is my 27 years working in Corporate Life.

Intuitively I understand that being without an agenda around horses is linked to being present. But I don't yet know how to do it! 

My journey towards 'being and presence' starts with 'time'.  Time is a  man-made concept which works against us and locks us out of being present much like a pair of handcuffs restricts our movement.  When we focus on time 'what' becomes more important than 'why not'.  Time is after all an illusion - once upon a time it didn't exist it wasn't invented. 

There have been days with Essy 'post Margrit's' visit when I've found myself arriving with the usual list of 'to do's' - grooming, hand grazing, herb self selection, feet care, clean his grooming brushes, wash his rugs etc.  Having three horses the daily 'agenda' can get pretty full in a hurry!

The key seems to be to learn how to quit focusing solely on the 'what' must be done, even if we still have to be aware of time in order to be home by 8pm. 

Post Margrit's visit I have caught myself sometimes thinking " I don't have to groom today"  especially if he doesn't seem keen.  These moments feel good.  Refreshing; liberating.  Instead I've asked Essy "what would you like to do?"  The result has been agenda abandoned, and  we've mooched around the yard together, socialising with other horses over the hay barrow, nibbling on grass verges, or smelling essential oils. It's been fun, relaxing and above all easy.

My 3 Tips for letting go of the Agenda:-

Step 1: Remind yourself you have a choice and don't have to DO stuff!

Step 2: Ask your horse (or yourself)  "what would you like to do"

Step 3: Open the stable door and see where you both end up!...

...We found ourselves sharing the hay barrow with a friend!

     As Eckhart Tolle wrote in 'The Power of Now'  "the enlightened person's main
 focus of attention is always the Now, but they are still peripherally aware of time".

I appreciate that Essy is 21 years old and no longer in the zone of working towards competitions, or a level of fitness required to compete in a discipline.  After a busy career of polo, endurance racing and dressage he will welcome a 'slow down'  but can I?  After all our horses are not the ones with the agendas, it's us!

I'm early in my discovery phase but so far I believe even horse and riders competing can benefit when switching to a 'less is more' approach!

Will letting go of agendas benefit your relationship with your horse?  If you answer 'no' to any or all of these, then the answer is yes!

1. Can you easily and with quality of attention, focus on whatever you are doing right now at the exclusion of other distractions? 

2. Do you tend to focus on the goal versus the next step along the way?

3. Does your mental energy go into trying to 'make things' happen instead of accepting where you are or what comes along?

4. Can you stop, enjoy the moment, or do most days pass by in a blur?

5. Does spending time with your horse re-energise you or leave you exhausted?

A testimonial to doing less and watching more with your horse:-  

A friend said only last week about her horse who has been on box rest for 6 months after an injury...

"Ive learnt more about my horse the last few months than in the 8 years prior that we've been together".