Messing with my mind!

Followers of the "law of attraction" will already know that we 'get back what we put out there'! Meaning... our thoughts attract more of what we are thinking about.  This means if you think you never have enough money in the bank, all you will notice is more bills arriving on the door mat, and never enough money in your account!

The wonderful reality being that the reverse is also true!  The good stuff you focus on also increases the more you focus on and believe in it.

If ever I needed a reminder of this vital lesson was last week.

I was due to be in Brussels for a few days, and a couple of days before leaving, had found myself thinking and then...saying out loud that Grace must be getting bored just being ridden in the menage.  She lives out 24 x 7 with her two field buddies in a big 5 acre paddock.  She is ridden 3 - 4 times a week, interspersed with lunging for exercise and Parelli for brain stimulus.  It is a life free from pressure, sweat and complication.  The problem is it's a life free from pressure, sweat and complication!  There in lies the rub!

So back to my trip to Belgium...

Having been away for just one night I woke up to the dreaded 'missed call' alert on my phone from the yard manager.

Grace had jumped out of her field over night.  She had cleared a 7 foot wide gorse hedge with wire fence running over the top and a ditch inside.  By some miracle she appeared uninjured and unscathed.  A few days later, once home I found she was lame and after a few days had it diagnosed as a shoulder muscle pull.  (One massage later and 2 weeks of box rest and she recovered just fine).

My horror, absence and geographical distance meant I could do nothing except worry for several hours until I could regain some control of my thoughts at all the 'what could have happened' scenarios.  Given that the hedge also travels the length of a busy road, I had to be very grateful that she hadn't jumped in that direction.

Where had this sudden desire to jump come from?  Why now?  Why when I am away?  Why? Why? Why? (You can hear the pity me party setting in...and no end of Belgium Waffles could conquer it)!

It didn't help that only 4 days earlier the vet had put an elastic band around the Sarcoid under her sternum and I was under strict instructions for her not to stretch, roll, and do any big movement that could result in the band 'pinging off'.  Jumping 7 foot wide hedges definitely wasn't on the list of things to do!

So what does it all mean?  My instincts know she is bored.  One of her field mates is pregnant and the other is 10 years older than Grace so whilst they are a close knit herd, maybe life isn't as much fun as Grace would like!  To my human eye it seems like pretty good life if you are a horse, but then I'm not a horse and Grace seems keen to remind me of that!

What are my conclusions?

1. Listen to your instincts and if you sense boredom for your horse in their work routine, it probably is real!

2  Horses may need to have fun!  Maybe that means variety, maybe mental stimulation, maybe trips out, adventure - possibly all of the above!

3.  We are deeply connected with our horses.  The truth is that for the last 2 weeks I too have been incredibly grumpy due to boredom in my work.  My brain isn't being challenged, and each day has felt like a repeat of the day before -  like the scene from Ground Hog day!

4. Pity party's ('why me, why when I'm away') serve absolutely no purpose at all! They simply don't help.

5. Celebrating and being grateful for the fact she wasn't badly hurt, lost or worse is an important coping strategy.

6.  Let go and accept!  Shit happens, but when it happens and you are away, and can physically do nothing, there is only one option left to you; to let go and accept things will be ok.

January will start with a new plan of action and activities for Grace and I only hope it will please her and keep her in her field.   God forbid she finds ME boring and puts in another obvious complaint!
 

To Smack or not to smack

It's recently become 'taboo' to smack your child.  We owe our dependents respect, a nurturing environment and a gentler way! Yet it's ok to whip, spur or smack our horse?

Of course it's not ok,  but there is no enforcement or public outcry if we do!  Surely that can't be right?

This post is not actually about smacking... Usually the human motive behind any 'smack' is fear and worry not some sort of enjoyment of smacking for smacking sake!  We lash out in fear in order to protect - ourself or others!

Often the trigger with our horses is old fashioned disobedience.  In today's increasingly politically correct society the mere word obedience, and disobedience is outcast; frowned upon. There is a growing movement and increasingly loud voice through Social Media populating the notion that we must not think of wanting obedience from our children or our horses.

Yet surely there is a time and a place for obedience?

I know from first hand experience that when I am out hacking on a horse, to keep us both safe, I need to be able to move his / her rear end left towards the kerbside, away from passing cars and on command! My command!   I have no problem describing this as "obedience", and see no point glossing it up as anything else.

Obedience for the sake of it, delivered for the sake of it, with an intention of ruling, controlling, dominating,  punishing or oppressing another living creature I won't ever subscribe to.  Obedience when it is for safety sake - I can! 

As I'm not into labels and try to avoid traps of self deception, I'll keep using the word obedience and not disguise it as willingness, connection or anything else to make some people agree with me, after all we all have the right to disagree - and so do our horses!  Oops what does that mean for the supporters of obedience? Complicated when you start to think of it isn't it....?

My 3 Communication Ingredients

Are you receiving me loud and clear?

The purpose of communication and communicating is to be understood, right?  Meaning to get your message across AND in the way you INTENDED!  

When you think about that - just how easy is it to be accurately understood, just as you intended 100% of the time?  What about 50% of the time?  Truth is its hard to achieve some of the time, never mind all of the time!  So much  can go wrong, just think about how often we misread an email, text or what's app message, or have others misread ours!

Given that between human beings communication often results in us being misunderstood, mis-represented, not listened to, or not believed.... what can we do to increase our chances of getting our views and needs across accurately and consistently?

Studies carried out in the 1960's suggest that in order to effectively get our message across we need to use 3 ingredients, in unison:

words + tone of voice +  facial expressions ...

- they must all convey the same message at the same time!

Malhrabian Studies

So, if  you say the words "that sounds exciting" but you look bored and use a dull, flat tone of voice - chances are you wont convince anyone that you meant what you said!  The other person's response, (always the true test of if we have been understood as intended), is that we get a reaction that can be aggressive, hurt or out to kill us! 

"You're just saying that" or "You're not even listening to me" - etc etc.  Sound familiar?  

In reality it is hard to get all three ingredients together in the right quantity, at the right consistency and at the right time.

So turning to human and horse communication, how do we begin to communicate with them?  Is it more difficult or easy?  Are there 3 ingredients and if so are they the same?

I think communicating with horses entails:

Intention + Tone of Voice + Facial expressions + Breathing 

Plus a dose of good timing = the Communication Recipe!

My personal teacher about how to communicate with my own horses is of course the horses themselves! From them I have learned that in order to follow the above recipe you do in fact need 3 key ingredients and the first is:-

1. ) Vary your communication to suit the needs of each horse!

It's a bit like deciding "do i phone my friend to talk this topic through?'  "Do I email my thoughts to her or do I wait till I'm face to face with her?"  Which will give me the best shot at avoiding misunderstandings?

Take my three horses.  Grace does not respond to pressure or force.   The more pressure and force you apply the more resistance she throws at you.  Essy needs to know that you mean what you say and say what you mean and will spot any weakness in your point of view! He has a very strong sense of 'what is fair' and what is not and will let you know in an instant.  Solar Sue will oblige providing it aligns with what she was planning to do anyway!

Regarding ingredient number 2....

When I would like to ride Grace I have a 50/50 chance that she agrees it's a good idea!  On the days she doesn't feel like it she'll back up as I put one foot in the stirrup, go forwards or swing her hind end away from the mounting block.  As I am only 5" 4 and she is 17.1/2 hh I don't have the leg length to mount from the floor so this 'dance' can go on for quite some time! On occasions I have given up (sometimes in tears).

With some reflection and with some renewed perspective, I see that such moments are there to remind me I have choices about how to respond.  Ingredient number 2...

2. ) Chose your response!

To keep things simple, when Grace doesn't want me to mount her, and before the tears well up in me, and I feel all helpless I have two basic choices available to me (there may be more, but lets work with two for now):

Choice 1

Be firm! MAKE her stand still so I can mount

In other words dominate, use pressure, force, whatever it takes to get what i want.  That is certainly one way of meaning what you say and saying what you mean, but is it communication?  Is it both parties listening to each other, and hearing each other?  For me the answer is no!  It is ONE party over riding the others views.  In my book that's the mark of a bully!

For some people that might be an acceptable communication style.  For some horses it might be acceptable, especially if they are emotionally 'shut down'.

For me, its not acceptable with my horses.  It certainly hasn't  proved to be acceptable for Grace either as 2 of my 3 unplanned dismounts have been within seconds of me mounting her, against her (clearly expressed) wishes - if only I'd been listening to her, instead myself!

Choice 2

Listen and seek to understand, not be understood!

Stephen Covey in his work on 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, focuses on 'seeking to understand (others)' - 'before being understood' (by them). It reverses the focus and is a powerful concept following the principle of putting your audiences needs above your own.

With Grace, this can mean taking however long it takes for us to find an understanding, to reach a level of true communication, so that I can mount.

The truth is that every time Grace moves away as I mount she's saying "I'm not ready to have you on my back".  She is clearly communicating 'no thanks' or 'not now' or something along those lines.  If I chose to show I'm listening to her, really listening then I'll be willing to not ride at all that day, take her and do something else and come back to try mounting again later, or vary the way in which I make my request, (ingredient number 1).

I like to also remember that there are consequences for pushing on with my message, and refusing to listen to my audience (Grace).  As just mentioned, 2 of my 3 falls have been within seconds of mounting her when she made it very clear she wasn't 'ready'!   What better example of consequence is there?

In terms of impact on me those falls have equated to an adverse impact financially (if I can't work), physically (i.e. pain)  and emotionally (i.e. confidence loss), all in one misread communication!

That sure made me wake up to smell the roses!

Ingredient number 3:

3. ) Think through consequences and impacts of your communication!

If I persist in mounting there and then by using force and shoving Grace in the menage corner, or getting someone to hold her still so I can get on, I'm showing her that   "I'M NOT LISTENING", "I DON'T UNDERSTAND " or  " I don't want to understand her needs and feelings"

For sure choice number 2 is fraught with frustration - just as anytime when when we can't get our point across, at work or home, or can't get our own way.

I admit it won't necessarily produce quick results in the short term, compared to those how have more time in the saddle because they choose option 1 and 'made' it happen.

However, I believe that longer term the benefits of following choice number 2 (with Grace) are numerous: more trust, more mutual respect and more willingness to work as a team.  Not to mention more personal safety!

Maybe ultimately that gets you to the same end goal as other riders have, just from a slower starting point.  We shall see, and I'm certainly no expert in these matters, but I sense my horses are!

Reminds me of the Hare and the Tortoise story

In summary, my 3 x C's for effective human and horse communication go like this:

Communicate differently with each horse you work with; respecting them as individuals

Choose your response, don't just react, to unsuccessful communication or frustration

Consider consequences and impacts of your communication so you pursue your point of view wisely

I have found myself many times, standing at the mounting block for half an hour waiting for Grace and I to be in sync and in agreement about me getting on, now, today.

I have gone home at the end of a long work day, in tears unable to mount my horse and unable to have my riding time, while everybody else seemingly is! (Pity party time)! 

I have got in a right strop and stomped back to the stable to put Grace away in disgust showing no compassion and fueled by embarrassment and feelings of defeatism.

I now know, that in those moments I need to STOP!   I need to assess the situation and THINK about what I do next, and NOT what  I want?

I have learned NOT to be driven by my watch, my "I only have 40 minutes before I have to go" excuses that justify me making a bad choice of how to communicate.

I have learned that being safe, and being smart and preserving the relationship is far better than a 30 minute ride, wondering with every stride, at what moment she's 'going to let me have it as payback for choosing option 1 above!!  

Payback from a 17.1hh warm blood with attitude has resulted in me being in A&E and whatever 'urgent' appointment I had that made me chose unwisely  - was missed anyway! Big picture not little picture is the name of the game and one well worth remembering, in my experience.

When something truely Amazing happens..

I started this blog with a title of ....

I was lost and now I am found

As I typed the title it felt familiar so I googled it and found that its the lyric from a song but not any old song - it's from Amazing Grace!

This post is about Grace! "How amazing" I said out loud.  Then laughed - amazing as in amazing Grace!  Oh stop!

Today, Grace and I had a Parelli session with Vicky Manser - our first in over a year.  How time flies!

We began with me summarising the events of the last year, Grace's feral behaviour and massive separation anxiety that led me to stop riding, lunging, doing Parelli or anything with her, finding her unsafe to be around.  That's it in a nutshell.  I described feeling like I'd lost my horse, and the aim of today was to re-start the journey to find her again.

It's not often in life that we achieve our goals, its even more rare to do so exactly when you want it or need it.  But today, that goal of finding Grace happened!  In 90 minutes Grace and I were home....together!

 

I know that sometimes we have to get lost, stray, deviate off course, in order to discover new paths, to return to something better  - and today has been a massive reminder of the value of that.  

Today I remembered and learned all at the same time ... 

• Not to dwell on the past, or the feeling of having wasted (lost) a year of progress. 

The past is the past and nothing more.  

Today was better than yesterday and that's a good place to be!

• To recognise the difference between observing a horse and listening to them.  I've been watching Grace but not listening to her.  As the song say:-

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

(see recent post on simplicity - we need to use both our eyes and our ears)
 

• To get connection work with the very moment of distraction (the object of my frustration) - that's my cue to change direction, pace, and help Grace to focus back inside the menage and back on me.

•  If fear is the focus of my thoughts then fear is all I'll feel.  My head and heart needs to chose to remember trust and joy as equal opposites.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear;

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

• When I'm in 'blame' mode I'm not thinking!  If I'm not taking responsibility then why should Grace?

It took less than an hour of walking around the menage, mirroring pace and energy, working with distraction, to have a calm, relaxed Grace - the old Grace, back!  Soft eyes, droopy lower lip, licking and chewing.  Everything that dreams are made of when all you want is to just "be at one with your horse". 

Grace August 5th 2015

So many highlights from today!

Having Grace lick my hands, gently, with such softness - a nice change from grabbing at me and biting.

Seeing Grace think, process, reflect and soften with the brain work, stimulation, and presumably enjoyment of some shared leadership for a change! 

Listening to Grace sigh with relaxation not boredom. 

Finding myself having a thought and saying out loud to Vicky "I don't know if this is my thought or Grace's thought but I think "I've just come home"   - at which point Grace stepped forward with a lowered head and neck and literally nestled into my body and stayed there.   Feedback that it was her idea not mine and I think i just had my first experience of sensing a horses's thoughts!

 

 

Through many dangers, toils and snares,

I have already come

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

Realising that both she and I had been lost was the biggest 'ah ha' of the day.  How can I expect her to return if im not there myself?   How can I expect her to go (emotionally speaking) to any place where I can't get to myself?  The logic of it should hit us hard.  If logic isn't enough, I hope everyone reading this blog has an experience similar to mine today.  

Parelli has been a foundation.  A set of bricks that were in place, then got ignored but sit there still strong and sure.  It is NOT about doing the exercises and using the techniques.  It IS about listening to the horse infront of you and selecting tools to suit the needs of that moment.  

Today I have a lot to be grateful for...

• Thank goodness Grace and I got lost.

• Thank goodness we are found again (or well on our way at least)!

Beauty in simplicity

Essy August 5th 2015

What is it about a horse's ears and eye that cast such a spell?

Essy

There's a spiritual solution out there...

I am borrowing these words from Dr Wayne Dyer who said ...

"there is a spiritual solution to every problem"

I wasn't entirely sure what he meant when I first read his words, so I bought the DVD, sat down with a strong cuppa and braced myself!

Half way through the DVD it struck me!  "I saw the light" - or rather I heard a voice in my head giving myself a big old kick up the bum - a metaphorical slap around the face for being so blind. Not a very spiritual interpretation by me but then this post is not about religion, God, Alah or any other source of following. It is about believing in yourself and that it'll all be ok!

So, why did  I watch this video?  Was there a problem I needed a solution for?

I had just started riding Grace again, after 7 months of not - (long story why the time off).  Just as I was back in the saddle, the lump she'd had for over a year by her girth had a growing spurt and was diagnosed as a sarcoid. Every horse owners dread!

Worse, it was now plum center under her girth area. Great! 

The sarcoid has been frozen (twice) and so no riding as she was sore and twitchy there if touched!

The vet suggested I ride, so my only solution was bareback!  Now where did that idea come from given I have to have my big brave Bridget Jones knickers on to rider her at all? 

Given my track record with Grace, a few hairy falls, and noting her size and power, I was back faced with the prospect of no more riding till the sarcoid had shrunk, dropped off or miraculously vanished (assuming a miracle or two can be reeled in on demand the way Essy's  lump fell off over night).

       ... "2 steps forwards; 1 step back"

my mother always says, and at times I can see why!

Of course whether or not to ride was only the surface issue, it wasn't the real problem.  It took another horse coming along for me to realise that...

Coco - a charming 6 year old dark bay thoroughbred was for sale. I'd ridden her and liked her.  More importantly she and Grace were great field buddies, Grace's friendship towards little Coco had allowed the rest of the field herd to accept young Coco into the gang - albeit on condition she hung out only with Grace!

I spent a long weekend debating whether or not to buy Coco and welcome her officially into our herd.  I was unexpectedly shocked by my own feelings of betrayal towards Grace as I conceptualised a summer of riding a horse I could actually wrap my legs around!

The strength of feeling of betrayal to Grace spurred me on to consider some questions about the real truth of my "on, off riding journey" with Grace.

The truth is Grace as a horse, is no different from the day I bought her, except a little larger and 4 years older. We actually share many similar character traits (not all of which are helpful) ...

impatience, 

opinionated,  

easily bored and distracted, 

a need to feel safe, 
dislike of pressure,
hatred of routine
need for a clear sense of purpose,

a magnet for others who then won't leave your side!

.... i'll stop there for now!

What is different since I bought Grace is that I have realised I am not a good rider. I've realised I am boxing above my weight and am 'out-horsed' by Grace.  However, that is an ego centric way to look at it.  Its a perspective that when I wallow in leaves me feeling low in confidence which isn't helpful to either of us.

There is a helpful and intriguing alternative perspective which is to realise that maybe Grace and I are on a joint journey of self discovery and can help each other explore some emotions that otherwise might be left buried in the back of the stable.

Now I just have to figure out what those 'emotions' are - their significance to my riding and the person my horses continue to guide me towards becoming!

The moral of this story is more than looking for silver linings.  It's about trusting that whatever path you are on, no matter how lumpy and bumpy it is, that it will be the right path!  How we chose to look at that path and think about it will define what we encounter next and the experience we have with it. 

I'm looking forward to putting my thoughts to the test back in the menage.  

Stone Age Man Knew What was What

Short and Sweet....

In today's Telegraph there is an editorial piece about the discovery in 1994 of cave paintings in France, dating back 35,000 years ago.

The artwork is terrific.  The artist's (i.e. caveman's) understanding of muscle, movement, power, energy and motion is evident.  I'm no artist to speak of such matters but the eye doesn't lie!

Compared to today's art it suggests man knew everything he needed to know about art so you've got to wonder 'how much have we learnt since then?'

Which raises a bigger question about how much we have really advanced at all as a species.  Of course I will be shouted down amongst the reams of technological, industrial, biochemical advancements and discoveries.  Yet my quest is more about how much our inner eye has advanced?  How much our ability to resonate and connect with nature, it's power and it's beauty - has advanced? 

Looking at how we live amongst horses today compared to how the cave man must have interacted with the Equine suggests if our knowledge has increased our respect has not.  We act these days as if our discoveries about the 'nature of the horse' is some big revelation.  Things like:-

•         horses don't like closed spaces, 
•         horses don't like loud man made noises, 
•         horses need company and deteriorate if lonely  
•         horses don't do well on years of vaccines, man made feeds, chemical sprayed crops etc.
•         horses feet don't need shoes to be healthy and functioning

Shame on us if we didn't already know this using our instinct, compassion, good old fashioned observation or common sense.

I am sure we have progressed intellectually leaps and bounds, but I am not so sure that our inner spirit has followed suit.  What the Chinese and Ancients new as a given; we have lost.  Even the teachings of religion hold little weight of respect today used instead to wield claims of 'injustice' to defend our right to attack!

Whilst many scoff at the rise of 'self help' books, courses and events encompassing the 'new age' Movement  - I embrace it heart and soul for it's role in helping us to return to what we once knew and understood.

I for one applaud the cave man's insight, foresight and eyesight!  Their artwork leaves a legacy - to remind us of what lies within, at our most basic DNA level of 'homosapien man' - namely our ability to create, inspire and express what we see, to live on for thousands of years.

I hope we can re-discover our respect for nature, marvel at its power and vulnerability to keep it safe for future generations.