Is There A Doctor Dolittle In Us All?

What if there is? ...

How might we live our life's differently?  I may be hated for admitting this but for the last 16 years whenever I had an important decision to make in my life, it was to my dogs Creina and Tabatha that I turned.  Ultimately of course the decision was mine, but on each occasion I involved them thoroughly and never strayed from this collaborative process.

Tabatha recently died aged 16.  I am adrift without her in so many ways.  Essy has always had her spirit always made me laugh just the way Tabatha did.  Coming closer to him now is especially poignant for me.

Most of us probably grew up with a special friend; fury, human, imagined or real.  As children talking to fairies in the garden, God on the hill, or imaginary horses seemed so normal.   No one condemned us and we didn't censor or second guess ourselves. 

So what if these skills are just a little rusty or present but denied in case we fess up and should feel a bit silly?  What if talking unchecked, spontaneously, full of passion and imagination are still in us all?  What would we become?  We might even be able to live a full and emotionally expressive life with our human companions as well as our animals ones.

Before I left for holiday, I spent some quite time with Essy in his stable.  I had noticed that while in hand in the menage he kept choosing to halt and each time, kicking out backwards a hind leg - first one then the other.   I felt a slight dread as I always do with a change in behaviour - was he angry, was he in pain?  What was bothering him? How could I help?

In the stable I decided to rest my hands on him as if grooming with out brushes and notice what I noticed. Everything seemed normal until I reached his tail.  As I stood there he swung his head round and looked at me.  Calm and quiet as if saying ' yes that's the spot'.  I lifted his tail as I often do and felt tension in it.  It was heavy and stiff. Not relaxed and supple as usual.  I did a couple of gentle tail pulls and releases.  It was then that I heard Margrit's words in my head 'Essy has pain in his cocci - did you know that'?   I moved one of my hands onto the top of his tail and rested it there as lightly as I could thinking over and over in my head  "I'm here to help, here to heal".  Again he looked around at me and held my gaze.

He hasn't kicked out again since.

What happened?  What was it all about?  I'm not sure I know.  Except that horses always do things for a reason.  Just like us!  He must have had some tension or energy block in his tail and kicking out was his way of finding a release.  I was able to add to his release  by exploring, observing and actually doing very little in deed. 

Now there's a lesson in life!  Less is more once again.  I'm learning a lot and fast!  Thanks to my new found teacher.

Back to my question of can anyone talk to the animals?  I don't know but surely any one can observe, notice, enquire and listen for feedback!

I Cried For The First Time

I have had to leave Essy and my other two horses for an annual holiday.  It is the first time that Ive wept at leaving them. Ive always hated leaving them for a holiday but this is the first time I can recall being so moved to tears.

To have suddenly found such a wonderful way of being in tune with Essy leaving now made me utterly sad.

I explained I was going, and why.  I promised to be back.

My closeness and ease of being around Essy since Margrit's visit has made me yearn for the same closeness with Solar Sue and Grace.  I feel so sad that I am missing out on what they think, feel, remember, and need.  I know Solar Sue has emotional feelings to share with me, maybe even a note of caution or advise - or two.  I just don't know what and therefore how to acknowledge her that I'm listening.

I have changed how I talk to my horses since my realisation that they are communicating with me all the time.  I sense however that there is a little code with each one - something unique to each that can not be guessed at or blundered upon.  I am looking for a little door to be opened so that I can be invited into their bedroom and revel in how they would decorate and what they would fill it with, if they had the choice.

I have to wait till I am back from my holiday before I can book Margrit again.  However, until then I am talking to my horses in my mind, daily, with my thoughts.  I am sending love, and tenderness and I am showing them that I am getting stronger again, my energy is restoring and my anxiety diminishing.  I believe they need to know this and to feel it so that I may be a more pleasant energy form to be around when I'm back.  That is the very least they deserve.

Judgement Time!

Essy's words to Margrit inlcuded 'he has pain in his feet especially his right foot'.  Listening to this and watching him shift his weight and position backwards the EXACT same time he told us, we agreed it was time to get his feet x rayed. 

Here we are one week later, standing like the perfect gentleman on his wooden blocks surrounded by cords and machinery to take the all important slides.

The result?  Bone definition and joints are good, no sidebone or navicular issues apparent.  However, his right foot is very upright with some toe of the coffin bone undergoing some re-modelling.  The Navicular on this foot looks like it too is experiencing some minor changes. 

Knowing Essy he feels any change in his body so I suspect his message to us was a) an early warning and b) a response to an internal adjustment process he is experiencing.

Next step: share the X rays with Essy's farrier (done today) and gradually lower his right heel over time. 

Seems Mr Esquire knows his own mind or at least his own feet!

That's Unusual!

Essy has gone from the sublime to the ridiculous in a matter of two days. Thursday he was loose walking himself in the menage;  calm, confident and full of ease.  Saturday he was quite the little rocket all full of bucks, rears and high jinks.  Both are good to see for different reasons.  However.... the many faces of Essy is not the subject of this posting.

What is then?  What I observed an hour after his little 'blow out' is what held my interest.  He had bombed around the menage sure, but we had hen walked around calmly until he was chilled again.  Back in his stable the first thing I noticed was him standing with his head in the corner where normally he places his rear end.  This is very unusual. Then I noticed his nostrils - air coming out like Puff the Magic Dragon.  His breathing too was heavy.  He remained like this for almost 45 minutes. Far too long for him to be winded besides which I'd checked he wasn't blowing before I put him back in.  45 minutes felt a life time for me and at one point I felt a tug in my stomach - a tug of panic - "was he ok"?  Remember none of this behaviour was happening before I put him away.

Not sure if the video will show the breathing and nostril smoke but I do remember his nostrils steaming during Margrit's healing session on Sunday.  I kept the faith and told myself he was having another release - only without Margrit there I didn't know what about.

Sure enough he did 'snap out' of it and was back to munching hay when I next checked in on him. Phew!  This horse healing and transformation journey definitely has massive high points with some worrying lows as you realise you don't know the signals for if you're are on the right path still. So my plan is to keep listening to Essy and try to show I''m trying to hear him. 

A Good Week!

A few of my favourite photos of Essy posted this week...

Essy's Valentines Gift

I have often wondered who I am! 

As a person this concept is probably something many of us dabble with once we reach a 'certain age'.  Some spend thousands with counselors to accompany them on their search.

I am sure many horse owners would give their right arm to know the answer to the same question about their horse.

I have always suspected that Essy's early life was not ideal; that when he should have been learning to socialise and be a young horse it was some how cut short.  He doesn't know how to groom with another horse, and most of the time he meets a horse (regardless of its sex) he tries to suckle their teats.  Others could probably provide a more deep and meaningful interpretation of this equine behaviour, to me it just felt like his early 'horse' education was limited.

Our visit with Margrit confirmed my suspicion and I sobbed to hear Essy speak of how his early life with his mother was 'interfered' with by humans.  He missed his mother terribly and has grieved for her most of his life. Why do we do this to our horses? What is all the rush about?  Seriously!  Do we pull new born human babies from their mothers?  We follow strict guidelines when purchasing puppies after their 12th week, so why do we think our horses can emotionally cope when we don't obey the same courtesy and biological need.

On a brighter note, since his healing conversation with Margrit his confidence and apparent happiness with  just 'being' is blooming.  On Thursday I followed my instincts and let him off the lead rope in the menage.  (A risky decision when you appreciate he has not had field turn out since the end of December due to mud fever, snow, then water logged fields).

Here is a you tube link to him enjoying a roll, then a short stroll - great decision making in action! 

What touched me most on Thursday was after he rolled,  he just sauntered off.  Such a strong, confident relaxed walk, he calmly strolled down to the menage gate where I then caught up with him and offered to take him in.  He seemed content with that.  Another 'wow' moment of loving such independence.  All I kept saying was 'you do whatever you want, it's OK with me'. It was such a simple experience to share but so powerful and on Valentines Day - what a great gift of love.

When Something Bad; Turns Out To Be Good...

May 2012 and Essy started to have nose bleeds down his left nostril.  I was about to go on holiday and remember sitting in Heathrow airport looking up Equine nose bleeds on Google.  This was not a sensible thing to do when you are leaving the country and your horse.   By the time I had boarded, I was filled with panic, had scared myself to death and booked the vet for my first day back!

Less than a week later and the vet was telling me he suspected an infected tooth root was the cause.  There was some logic to this which was also his initial phone diagnosis because in February a tooth had broken off in the Vet's hand following a night of sudden and unexplained quidding.

The vet recommended operating meaning they would drill a hole in the side of Essy's head, knock out the infected tooth and voila!  The nose bleeds should stop.  Of course he's likely to get sinusitis but that's inevitable.  Step 1 was to treat the infection (before an operation could be done) with antibiotics.

I was not happy.  Firstly the operation sounded horrendous.  No way did I want a hole drilling in the side of my boy's head unless it was life saving.   Secondly,  could an infected tooth root really cause nose bleeds?  I just didn't know.  If there was an infection why is there no smell or no discharge?   Wouldn't he feel some discomfort and start quidding his hay again? It just didn't make sense but I only had my 'gut' instinct to go on.

Choosing between 'instincts' and your learn-ed vet's opinion and training was a massive stress inducer. But I kept feeling the vet had picked up a hammer and was looking for a nail regardless of what else might be on offer as a diagnosis.

To buy myself some time, I put Essy on the antibiotics.  Within a few days the nose bleeds had gone from one a day to at least three a day!  At the end of the course, the vet seemed  surprised to hear this and there was a slight change to the tone of his voice.  I took this as my cue and cancelled the op!  That was June 27th 2012.

Since then the nose bleeds have come and gone.  Some days and weeks they've been more frequent than others. There is no pattern. Weather, temperature, exercise, bedding type nothing has revealed itself as a potential trigger.

I've consulted holistic colleagues and have offered him a variety of essential oils and herbs.  Ive even been on a course and purchased two photonic red lights from America to use around his sinus area.  I've had  the FlexiNeb people out to fit him with a face nebular. At times I see a positive improvement then suddenly a relapse.  I should say at this point that Essy seems totally UN-phased by the bleeds - more than can be said for me!

January this year, and for whatever reason the bleeds were frequent again and I grew more concerned.  I knew I wanted to explore non invasive solutions before contacting the vet again, and this is what lead me to pick up the phone to Margrit.  I just wondered is it possible that Essy could tell Margrit what was going on or any possible cause?

The day I called Margrit the nose bleeds stopped.  It was super noticeable aided by the fact I keep a diary of everything the horses do/ don't do so I have a detailed record.  I decided to mention it to her in case she had been doing any distance healing.  Four days before she arrived he suddenly had one small one as we stood outside the club house.   Still I decided to mention it on the Sunday.

Margrit said that strangely enough some other clients had reported a 'shift or change' in a situation from the day they had booked her although she hadn't been consciously thinking of, or doing anything.

We proceeded with the treatment.   An emotional, releasing treatment with insight, humour, sadness, apologies, pain and relief.  Then right at the end there was a nose bleed.  For the first time, standing in his stable with Margrit I began to wonder  - could the bleeds be linked to an emotional need for release?  Here he was oozing blood only minutes after being "heard"  for the first time in his life?

Since Sunday, he has had one other very tiny bleed immediately after his Parelli session.  Again could that have been a sign of an emotional outpouring?  He wanted to come out and play, we heard him, we acted on that information and gave him what he wanted.  Could such relief promote a bleed?   

Truth is I don't yet know.  However, I am strangely calm about the bleeds after months of worry.   In my coaching work I explain to people that the body tries to get our attention in many different ways. 

When we suffer a fall, an illness, an injury, or worse a disease - it is the bodies way of trying to get our attention.  Usually it wants us to focus on an aspect of our life or some repressed, denied emotion  buried deep.  Of course the longer we continue to ignore the signs ( I call them whispers) the more the body raises the volume.  Suddenly we find ourselves tripping up all the time, or hurting one knee the same knee over and over!  The more we ignore our body's messages the harder it works to get our attention.

I have learned that an injury or illness on the right side of our body is a message to look at our relationships  with men, and or, our career.  Issues with our left side point to relationships with women.  As a woman, this would mean looking at the relationship I have with myself!

Back to Essy. He is male, his bleeds have always and only been on the left side of his head so if I follow my workings with people then this suggests he needs to evaluate his relationship with women or a woman.  His owner (me) is female,  His field companion is female (Solar Sue).  His mother was of course female.  Any other women in his life aren't known to me!  (No wonder his stable is a mess some mornings)!

Could he be bottling up some emotion towards or about me, his mother or field mate?  If so, what is the message? What does he need in order to deal with the cause of his pain or built up emotion?    Now to the heart wrenching part.  From the study of metaphysics the symbology of nose bleeds is this: "a need for recognition.  Feeling un-recognised and unnoticed.   Crying for love"   A runny nose (which has often accompanied his bleeds) is symbolic of "inner crying.  Asking for help".   

In a simple explanation what if the following describes the cause of his bleeds... 'he has not had an outlet for his repressed feelings of isolation (emotional isolation).  He has had a deep sadness stemming back to when he was taken (too soon) from his mother.   He has been confused about what humans expected of him for several years.  He has deep thoughts and feelings about what its' like to be a horse around humans. 

He wants things to change for horses in the future; he doesn't want to be ridden any more but has no outlet to express that; he wants to be heard but has no means of communication; he's been trying to tell someone but no one is listening'... so the bleeds which 8/10  happened in my presence (often the moment I arrived on the yard which I have joked about being 'to get my attention' and only now as I write am I realising with such regret that it was and deep down I must have known this to have joked about it) - they were his only way of trying to get my attention. After all, as his carer I am the only one that can do something to help.   I just wasn't looking in the right direction to be able to hear him.   

Then Margrit came along...

On some level, the day I booked Margrit to come, did Essy know that help was close at hand?  Could it be that he no longer felt the need to bleed  to 'get my attention'- safe in the knowledge that he would  soon be heard?  I (like you) talk to my horses all the time and I told him Margrit was coming to talk to him and help us.  I even kept telling him when we had to re-schedule her appointment.  

One week ago I might have thought these things but would not have aired them.  Now I WANT to air them and quickly.  It's Essy's wishes that I do so.  I have an uncanny feeling that we are on to something significant and strange to think I may soon have his nose bleeds to thank for revealing so much.

A Surrogate for Margrit

During Margrit's visit on Sunday, Essy talked about his head being tilted left to right and locked up around the poll.

He and Margrit worked elegantly together to release some of his discomfort.  Which he followed up with a wonderful 'release' in front of us in the stable, stretching tall as Ive never seen him do before.

Tonight I didn't have much time with my horses but wanted to hang out with Essy even if it was only for ten minutes.  I decided to hang over his door way, give him space and just see if he approached me. 

He did! So, I was standing one side of the stable door, he was on the other side.  His head was over it and I was leaning forwards into the door facing him - nose to nose almost.  What happened next caught me totally by surprise.  He very gently rested his head on my left arm which I had spread out across the top of the door.  There was no weight or pressure exerted by him. It felt very measured and controlled.  Then he began to very slowly and gradually stretch his head forwards lengthening away from his body, against my arm.  I remained totally still.

Slowly he seemed to be applying a little more pressure to the underside of his head - against my arm. I imagined a small circling motion which I believe is how a healers fingers tend to move during Cranial Sacral therapy (correct me if I'm wrong).

I stayed quiet. I stayed still.  I kept breathing and thinking of my 'happy place' and softened my core to be more centered for him. Whilst I did this, I invited him (speaking aloud) to move his head onto my shoulder if he wanted.  I could not believe it - he actually did exactly that!  We stood there for several minutes - one amazed human feeling we really were having a conversation -he understood me - and one very calm horse moving with clear and deliberate intention.

He then moved away, stood back in his stable, relaxed one back leg and began to exhale loudly.  Wow!  I'm pretty sure he was using my body in a way that I had witnessed him interact with Margrit's inviting hands.  I wish I had a better appreciation of what to do but for now I'm content with letting him make the decisions and using me and my body as a surrogate for Margrit's magical hands. If he can help himself to feel physically comfortable and use me in that process I'll be one happy lady.

I didn't have my video phone on me, but that's not a bad thing as it's his words and messages that I'm keen to share more than what he does.  However, for me to believe in what he said on Sunday I think each day he's giving me more evidence that we really can be  " in touch" (humans and horses) and Sunday's conversation wasn't a figment of my imagination.

This is magical.  Pure magic. 

Call Me 'Femme Fatal'

I say this in jest, because Essy has become more than a little keen to show his interest and dare I speculate affection towards me! Of course I am attaching human emotion and interpretation to the situation, but bear with me...

Yesterday I reported on Essy's new found friend - his tongue - and the discovery that he can use it to great effect licking people and things.  Keen to lavish this new discovery on any one silly enough to stand still he has 'stepped it up' a bit today and engaged teeth too!

His tongue and teeth are now probing into arms, legs, knees (a favourite it seems) and my coat hood - anything he fancies really.  Of course given that his new level of confidence and curiosity is a good thing (in my sadistic view), I'm trying to 'go with the flow' (see earlier blog).

Here he is exploring me and my coat!  I love how gentle he is being even when his teeth have a firm hold.

(Apologies for the low grade video work but it's tricky to video us both at arms length while being mauled and no clue if the camera is even pointing in the right direction)!

I may need to call Margrit back soon to chat to Essy about the birds and bees, boundaries and teeth! 

Loving this Licking Thing....

"When I learned to lick"!

Essy embraced licking at the very end of his talk with Margrit.  I've never seen anything like it from him. For one moment I thought he was going to lick her face!!

Since then, he's been making up for lost time! Starting the next day on Monday - licking me while administering herbs in bed - and Ive never been happier....

Today, it was time to lick his new friend Vicki - a Parelli teacher who he 'chose' today to have a lesson with.  Seriously funniest thing ever.  She had arrived to give Grace (Essy's younger sister) and I our monthly lesson.  For some reason Essy caught Vicki's attention (and as I watched from the club house) it was as if she couldn't break out of the hold he had on her.  As I approached he and she were still in full 'chat'.   Joking she turned to me and said "perhaps Essy would like the lesson today" at which point he nodded so vigorously we both roared with laughter and said "guess that's a yes".

Essy took the lesson and became fascinated in licking his new found friend...

He then showed us just who was in charge - taking a firm hold of the savvy string and later taking the rope in his mouth and leading me around the arena!  For nearly two hours we just chilled, hung out as a three some and enjoyed time with no plan, no agenda and no need to do anything in particular.  Essy visibly grew more confident, and I had a blast!

Here he is chewing and sucking in the Savvy string until I intervened!

It was another profound day together.  A day of talking, listening and acting on what I heard.  Can you imagine the insult and hurt he could have felt had Vicki and I ignored his clear wish to 'come out and play' with us?  Yet, so often in life we stick to our plans don't we! Putting the plan above the moment. Why?  Because a plan is a plan?  So what?  Plans don't have feelings;  because we want to win a rosette or achieve a new level of mastery?  What if today I had stuck to my plan - I would have sacrificed showing Essy I'd heard him, sacrificed living the 'no agenda please' message that Essy clearly delivered to Margrit and I on Sunday.  I would have shut down a glorious opportunity to just "be" with him.  What if I am on probation!?  What if each time I ignore him when I have heard him - how many chances do you suppose he will give me?  Isn't it sad that we probably do the same thing to our friends and family too!

I have no idea what lies ahead of us, but what a great new start to a 14 year old relationship!  I am beginning to wonder if human relationships can benefit from some of the lessons Essy is sharing with me?  Could a 14 year old marriage - stale and tired suddenly be re-born and become full of exploration and fun?  Are we willing to let go of our agenda?  Do we notice those moments where its no longer all about us?  Can we be present and in the moment to stop talking or doing and listen to the other person - showing ultimate respect?

Such simple steps that build rapport and trust also lead to greater honesty - something that if missing in a relationship will block the route to true intimacy.   Can it be that if we are more in the moment and willing to 'go with the flow' that our lives could be so much more rewarding?  What sort of life could we all be living if it was true?  A life where the day includes time to play and explore versus striving for achievement and purpose.  As a case in point do we even notice when our horses take time out to stand still, and chill out in their paddock or stable?  Maybe but do we show respect for that behaviour - and show that we 'get it' ?  Or, do we keep grooming, keep mucking out around them, banging and crashing about and pushing their backsides out of our way - as if what we are doing is so very very important!

It shouldn't come as a surprise to me that we can learn so much from our horses, but this is taking me to new places to consider. I am less interested in my horse teaching me how to be assertive or how to  notice others challenging me - but I am very interested in how to be a better friend to Essy.  Then, maybe I can figure out how to take those same lessons into other relationships in my life.


What fun!

A Decade In The Making

Today, two days after Margrit's visit and I am not able yet to put down words to capture the three way loving conversation that we shared.

Instead, I'm going to temporarily skip over Sunday's events which felt so monumental,  until I am able to put it into words and context.  In fact I plan not to find my own words, but will stick to Essy's words and intent and avoid a poor interpretation of his deeply moving, philosophical and humorous insights.

For now, I want to capture the events of the last few days - the era I'm calling  "Post MC" and then ill take us back in time to Sunday.

Monday's highlights - the day after we three talked I had a big headache.  Normally my headaches pull me down.  Slow me down, and generally 'get me down'.  Yet, I felt light! A real sense of nothing could bother me type of 'lightness'.  This is not a feeling I'm too familiar with; firstly im a worry head and secondly I don't stop (ever) to smell the roses and feel any inner peace, unless on holiday in Thailand!

The lightness felt as if it came from feeling at last as though I knew where I stood, I knew what Essy wanted - the kind or relief that comes when you phone the Tax man about an outstanding bill and it all concludes nicely with an agreed repayment plan!  Suddenly you can breathe again and life falls back into balance.  Well that's how I felt on Monday.

That was enough. It was a good feeling. Essy, however had other ideas and clearly wanted to 'add to my day' in a very positive way.  Below is a photo of the two of us together in his stable which I appreciate to many horse owners photos lying down together are no big deal.  Whilst Essy has never acted scared of me, on approaching him lying down he always gets up.  Ive always wanted to be able to 'just be' with him without him standing to attention!

So, as I walked back and forth feeding and watering my other two horses, I noticed Essy's manner, his expression and disposition as it remained unchanged as I trotted back and forth.  I took this photo of his wonderfully proud stance as he seemed totally at one with me going back and forth.

(Is it me, or does he have the look of a foal on his face or someone whose got a lot off their chest the day before)!!! 

No wonder I was feeling light all day - is it possible that once we connect with our horses, we begin to mirror each others feelings?  I don't know but what if....?

Shortly after this photo, I gave him his 'snack bowl' of herbs: Linseed Oil, Dandelion Powder, Nettles, Calendula flowers - and clearly at peace he felt able to "snack in bed" with me at his side - Wow!  This was a real honor.  Something Ive always wanted to be able to do with him.   Very special for me indeed.  Can't begin to tell you how much.

Here we are...

"Thank you Essy" x

Our Thanks!

Sunday February 10th, 2013

They say good things come in small packages!  Little did I know that one small phone call would reap such  joy.

Three weeks ago I booked Margrit Coates to visit with Esquire (Essy) and me.  Ive been aware of Margrit and her work for a decade.  Ive had her telephone number written down on a scrap of paper for over a year.   She had my intrigue yet still I'd never phoned.

With nose bleeds increasing from Essy's left nostril over the Christmas period, it was time to re-evaluate what might be causing them and what options I have for helping eliminate them without resorting to surgery.

Strange things changed from the day I booked her.  Firstly poor Margrit had to re-arrange twice!  She booked to see us just prior to her having her thumb operated on.  Optimistic she would be able to drive she was sadly thwarted.  A week later and physio work was in its infancy so we delayed again.  Margrit wanted to be in full prime working order for our meeting.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that briefly I wondered if the two postponements were a sign that it wasn't meant to be.  Yet, coincidentally, from the moment I booked her initially, suddenly the nose bleeds stopped.  That's right stopped!  Just 4 days before she arrived  he had one - the first in over 3 weeks.  Given how many he had been happening, this was very notable.

I made a mental note to mention it to Margrit when we met up, but for now we had to wait till Sunday February 11th.  I just hoped I was ready for whatever it might bring.