The Problem with my Horse... is ME!

"What If... 

 

 

We are our horses worst nightmare!  

 

We are the problem?

 

Executive summary of this post - to help you decide if you want to read on...

1. I don't join clubs or groups and believe their existence results in complacency 

2. I don't follow one 'natural horsemanship method' above any of the others as none of them work on the issues of both the horse and the human/owner/rider/carer

3. Horses and riders reflect each others physical body tension, pain and areas of problem

4. Personal change has to come from within, and always starts with us first.  

5. We're crazy if we think we can change our horses innate qualities, no more than we can change our spouse or boss!

6. Find gurus, teachers, trainers who put YOU at the centre of training with your horse; your mind, spirit and body.

ta da!

------------------------------

Since 2004 I have studied with the Intelligent Horsemanship team in the UK,  I have learnt the Parelli methods and followed the work of Mark Rashid.

Still, I have no horse rider /trainer heroes and don't swoon to be in the presence of people who might have won Olympic Medals, Badminton, HOYS, or some other trophy or bauble.  I am not a disciple of anyone or any method.

I hope to become a better more informed disciple of THE HORSE and who he/she is.  To do that I believe we have to learn more about who WE ARE in the process!

Who Am I? Who are you?

Groups/Clubs etc:

Last week I encouraged another blog writer - the talented Issy Clarke - see her blog entry -  NOT to worry about NOT being a member of any particular horse Group.  Groups I believe can provide warmth, comfort and the security, the kind of support that hanging out with like-minded thinkers offer when were on the same wave length.  Great for a night in the Pub!

However, they can also become places of mediocrity and complacency.  Places where it is too easy to agree with each other and seek only evidence that further supports our agreed upon 'way'.  This is at the expense of challenging 'group thinking'  in pursuit of finding 'new' perspectives. 

Some people don't fit into normal conventions.  They aren't followers.  They have a spark of relentless curiosity that sets them apart - they are people who might just discover a new way!  They are the "Map Makers", setting out new terrains so others can follow if desired.

These are the people I prefer to hang out with given half a chance!  Are you one of these people? Do you recognise yourself below?

Have you invented, created anything (idea, method, tool, process)?

Have you had a breakthrough discovery at home, work, or with your horse?   

If you had to come up with your own 'way' of being with your horse could you?  

What would you create?  

What direction would you venture off in?

Do others seek you out and want to follow you?

Are you an inventor or Map Maker? 

Do you WANT to be for reasons other than fame or fortune?

"Natural" Religion!

I haven't found a 'system' yet, (natural or otherwise), that works simultaneously on both the horse and the human.  Until I do I doubt I'll become a fanatic of anything.

Logic alone suggests working on only one half of any partnership has only a 50% chance of success - long term.   If you and your spouse needed marriage counselling, you'd both have to go, right!

Sending your horse off to be 'fixed' (using whichever method or trainer grabs you) simply means the horse comes back changed, (hopefully for the better), to return to YOU; who is the same, unchanged - except for raised expectations of your newly fixed horse! 

The horse often returns to the same barn, same lifestyle and diet.  So now the horse is different but you and his environment are not.  Fixing just the horse lacks the basic realisation that successful relationships are based on equality.  One of us (no matter how big shouldered we are) can't do it all!

 "Every behaviour problem expressed by a horse, anywhere, everywhere, originates in an experience with a human" 

- Joe Camp - Author "Born Wild"

Body to Body:

To wet your appetite, when  we run Equilates clinics at Jigsaw Equine, it's a visual reminder how in sync with our horse's bodies, we can be, for better or for worse. 

If the rider has a crookedness, it's likely the horse will too.  If the rider sits lob-sided the horse will struggle with canter leads.  If the rider holds tension, neck, shoulders, arms, the horse won't relax or move productively.  Etc.  

Notice how many people walk leaning forwards and complain of their horse being on the forehand.  Or, the rider who lacks energy and sloths around then complains they have to 'kick and kick' their horse to get him to move!

Or the rider who races around on 'warp speed' and wonders why every horse they sit on ends up a fizz bomb!

We are mirrors of one another in our energy, physicality and emotionally.  (More on this another day).

Change from within:

"It's my responsibility to change"

Here's what I believe about 'change'...

It's very much an 'Inside out approach'.  Business and self help gurus alike will more often or not espouse the importance of changing from within, before trying to change what's around you.  Think Gandhi when he said

"Be the change" 

The truth about making personal change (however big or small) is that it will be picked up on by others.  Whether or not people see the change for what it is, or understand what's behind it, or even accurately describe it, there is one guarantee ... others will change in response to our change.

As an example, if you and your spouse have a habit of bickering over small domestic chores not being done in equal measure (fair share etc), then over time this bickering becomes habit.  It then becomes an expectation and works like a 'script' with both actors routinely delivering their lines right on cue.

In return for the wife nagging at her spouse he learns to expect the nag and lives on constant alert ready to defend himself, or attack back at her.  She keeps looking for reasons to goad him, finds them, and so on!

So it goes on until one of them decides to break the circuit and stop!  Once one of us changes what WE DO, how WE react, ....guess what happens?  Suddenly our partner changes too!

Now we can't be sure in what way our partner will change.  We can't preempt that.  The change could be for the better as he starts to voluntarily be more responsible around the house and 'do stuff' unrequested or prompted.  This happens because a 'space' has been created.  A space in which the adult inside that spouse can surface free from nagging behaviours that keep them acting like a spoilt child or petulant teenager, by his wife's seen as 'motherly' behaviour.  (No man appreciates living with his mother in adult life)!

Alternatively the spouse's behaviour could deteriorate - becoming more lazy, asleep, apathetic etc relishing this new 'nag free zone' and taking it as his cue to be less responsible than before!  For some people there is escape in denial. 

So, as a result of our change we could either get a willing partner at home, or a partner who shows more of their true nature giving us further clarity about if this is a good relationship to remain in.

Even though it might mean we don't like the consequences, better to know now than in another 10 years time.  Let's be honest - for many of us a life spent being a perpetual nag isn't a lot of laughs for us either! Never mind the example we are setting for any children in the house.

I can't change my boss, my husband or anyone else, it has to be both of us trying:

To date, I haven't come across anyone yet who could 'make' me change unless I wanted to! I struggle to make myself change my ways, never mind someone else getting me to do it!

Nor have I found anyone who has successfully managed to 're-train' or change their husband or wife, sibling or friend.
 

Do we have the right to change others, or even to try?   Isn't it rather arrogant to assume we have the right to try to change another, or the superior insight in the first place to think we know what's in their best interest?  How would you feel if someone approached you with that attitude? I'd want to 'biff them'

How much responsibility do you want anyway?  It's a massive (and in my view undesirable) responsibility to take on 'the improvement' of someone else.

There is good reason behind why the emphasis in business life, and in self help books, is on the principle of  "SELF DEVELOPMENT and SELF IMPROVEMENT".  Again, if we are willing to be really honest, most of us struggle to fix 'ourselves' never mind others, no matter how tempting the challenge!

Should we,  can we 'change' the nature of our horse? 

Force: Can any of us really 'make' a horse do things they don't wish, or are unable to do, without applying force and threat? Force as a strategy, rarely works well long-term (at home, in work or with our horse).  It certainly won't achieve harmony and trust in our relationships where we need equality and love.  

Changing the Horse: I admit horses can be retrained - from the perspective of how they behave, how they move, their responsiveness to our requests.  We can achieve this at home - a good argument, or a few threats of divorce and often the misbehaving spouse manages to clean up their act, and tidy up after themselves, do their fair share around the house - for a short while at least!

Slowly however, at home,  true natures begin to re-appear as old habits return. Often we see the same with our horse.

I believe that when we force (think draw reins on horses or emotional blackmail with humans), all we do is re-connect with the survival instinct inside horse or human.  'Going for that quiet life' or the path of least resistance is NOT equality.  Nor is it about living and happiness, from a horse or a human. It is a coping strategy based on compliance (for the moment), and often it's short lived.

With force, let's be honest, we aren't connecting with the whole person/horse. How could we be? We aren't really even trying we're just focused on control and getting our own way! 

The right to change our horse:  Unravelling the true nature of the horse, answering WHO IS HE/SHE is something many of us don't discover or even try.  I only recently began to think of it after meeting with Margrit Coates last year.

It's not that we are one way with our horse, and another with our human relations.  I believe we go through life blinkered in both areas.  It is really hard to know WHO WE ARE, never mind figure out who someone else is.  Then try figuring out another species, if we even stop to consider that it is relevant?

We can pay lip service of course, but do we really know the people we live with? Do they really know us?  Typically we see what we want to see, what we are used to seeing, or what we believe we need to see to justify our own behaviour.

With our horses the simple truth is that we might be able to change or modify certain behaviours and movements, but we will never be able to change the basic nature of the horse, never stop them from being a flight animal.  Nor should we want to. 

Responsibility:  A lot of us feel angst under the weight of responsibility of looking after our horses - the worry, the decision making, and the living with the consequences of sometimes not getting it right and rebuking ourselves in the process (Read another of Issy's posts on her blog).

When we learn to get out of the horse's way, and set him/ her up for health and happiness, we learn the incredible self healing capability the horse has.  The horse has managed to survive for over 5 million years, very well so far.  Do they really need us, and all our so called 'help'?

When you consider that often it is our interference that inhibits the horse's health.  As a simple example, 'box rest' is the default solution for so many horse ailments.  Yet bed rest for us humans (even when we prolapse a back disc) is rarely in our best interest and we aren't designed to roam up to 20 kilometres a day!  Why would something that isn't good for us be good for a roaming half ton of animal?

Immobility, stiffness, depression, bed sores, etc are all side effects in us that become an additional problem to deal with.  We see the same pattern with our horses: stiffness, loss of appetite, colic, stress behaviours - all from box rest meant to cure!

I'm not advocating we abandon our responsibilities of due care towards our horses, far from it, I believe a horse is for life, like a husband, children or family dog. Yet applying 'human' sanctions on a horse, be that bed rest, lack of holidays or second rate food doesn't work well for us, so why do we think it will help our horses?

The problem with my horse is ME:

Whether we like it or not, realise it yet or not, believe it yet or not, it is at least possible that if we want something different from our horse, that change must start with us - as 50 % partners in the process!

How do you find a trainer/ guru/ mentor who can really help YOU to change, grow and become more of who you are?

....Keep looking!  Keep searching:

• Notice who suddenly appears in your periphery and wonder why?  
• Don't look for help from Horse trainers - think more broadly than that as most of those are operating from the dark ages.  
• Find people who inspire you (and not for their riding or medals), but for what they've coped well with in life.  
• Reflect, and think about what you do and why with your horse, and in other parts of your life.
• Notice how well you respond to change and be honest about what that feels like when its your initiation and not
• Bring together key people from different parts of your life (horsey or otherwise), let their observations by a route to self discovery
• Be honest!  With yourself about what's holding you back? What are you avoiding?  What do you fear?
• Listen to speakers and notice who you find yoyourself in agreement with (not always a good sign) and who 'rustles your feathers' making you feel uncomfortable (might be a good sign)!

There are plenty of life coaches, sports coaches out in the world, operating near you, contactable by phone, email, skype, seminars etc. Search you tube for popular videos that inspire and challenge you.

In a video by Ben Hart  he talks about how our beliefs about horses and their true nature (flight animals) impacts our ethics and morals and behaviour towards them.   He reminds us of the simplicity of the horse's nature.  I would advocate we will learn more about ourselves and our horses if we strip away the complexity of gadgets, human made conveniences and return to the basics of horse management.

Horses aren't killers (see earlier blog: confessions of a conscious coward) and they have survived for 5 million years without us. It's time to show them some respect and equality!

The Hallmark of An Action Plan

"Whatever is flexible and living will tend to grow; 

 

 whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."

-   Lao Tzu (ancient Chinese philosopher)

Essy's Medical update

"FLEXIBILITY is the name of the game" if we are to bend, not break, like Bamboo in the wind, and adjust to what life has waiting for us!

In business leadership the nimble skill of weathering a recession or expanding into new markets requires a level of improvisation and therefore flexibility.

Is instinct the same as improvisation?  Can one be born from the other?

Over the last 2 years, Ive resisted as long as I could any operation on Essy to further diagnose the source of his one nostril nose bleeds, led largely by my instinct in opposition with my vet.

The only operation (last summer) he has had so far, which did entail drilling a hole in between his eyes did not reach the source of the nose bleed.  Did not diagnose the problem.  It was of no help whatsoever.  The biopsy was inconclusive.  It cost money that the insurance company wouldn't cover as the nose bleeds were ongoing, but most importantly it put my boy through an inevitable massive headache, trauma to his head and face, four weeks of box rest and a bandage round his face with the risk of infection in mid August when we had the hottest weather for ages.  

I was not expecting them to drill that day.  They were supposed to be re-scoping and coming back to me (and my friend waiting anxiously in the vets office) to discuss what to do next.  You've never seen two more shocked humans than us two when we were invited back to see what they had found.  What we saw was their fingers inside Essy's head, together with a long tube and camera.  My friend left quickly out and I hung on in struggling to be brave for Essy. (Proof again, I am a coward)! 

Now, 6 months on, I made the decision to have a CT Scan to see if once and for all we could determine the nature of the problem.  To be truthful my biggest fear was that it wouldn't help much and in a way that fear has come true.

1. There is no tumour (good news)
2. There is however an Ethmoid Hematoma. 
3. Problem is it is in an 'unusual' location so surgery to remove it will be very 'challenging' said the RVC vet who specialises in this surgery and does it often.  At least two holes will need to be drilled into his head, one below his left eye, the other will be re-opened from last summer.
4. Normally there is another option for dealing with these EH's i.e. to drain them by scoping, and injecting into the EH Formalin, once every week over a period of weeks.
5. The problem is that the location of Essy' means this isn't an option for us.  The ET is touching against the cribriform plate which is against the brain.  Should Formalin enter the brain seizures or worse could result.

So Essy and I now have to live out the reality of needing to adjust and respond appropriately to each new day and changing situation, symptom or diagnosis.  Given that our situation is kind of new, (for us and the vets) it seems pointless looking for ‘tick-box’ solutions or trying to “do it by the book”.  I am not against vets or their advice.  I do not know better (far from it).   But nothing about my own life or that of my horses is 'text book material' so why would I expect any of our challenges to fall neatly into a "Manual of How To....?" Deep down I still believe Essy's nose bleeds has an emotional link.

Our ability to adapt and embrace flexibility is an important reason we have survived as human beings. Unfortunately, as people move into positions of authority and power, this natural capability often becomes compromised. It starts to atrophy, replaced by more rigid thinking, a reliance on systems, procedures and bureaucracies.  My challenge now is to be flexible in my thinking and stay nimble and able to adapt.

 

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives,

 nor the most intelligent,

 it is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

- Charles Darwin (Naturalist)

My plan of action has three parts:

1. - Have an overall plan
2. - Remain "present", day by day
3. - Be ready to change the plan!

My own stress level management programme is always facilitated if I have a plan and can start to action it.   However, the need for loving Essy each day with all my heart means I have to stay present, more than ever before.  Without an "in the moment" mindset we can't fight this things with love, healing, joy and the shear will to live.  In stead I think we are left fighting from fear, dread and pain.

The Hallmarks (defined as 'distinguishing characters and features') of my Plan so far are:-

Step 1: The power of now! A renewed focus on being present, in the moment

Step 2: Distant Healing from a dear friend who has offered her love and help

Step 3: Reiki as often as we can ideally weekly as a minimum

Step 4: Self Selection of Herbs and Oils to support him - with the help of Naturally Animals and iridologist Catherine Edwards

Step 5: James Hart tonics  - to be explored which could help, if any

Step 6: Red light therapy - although I'm not sure where to put it as the EH is deep in his head.  What is clear is that the location where the vets thought it was (below his eye) is NOT the right place.  Funny thing is that every time I've put the light there, believing it might be doing some good, Essy has uncharacteristically, not stood still, not been happy.  My god did he know all along it was the wrong spot?

Step 7: A three way talk with Margrit (in the diary) to check on headaches, discomfort and to openly talk about giving me signs that things aren't good.  Fear of not having an open line of communication will be the only thing that gets me through that conversation and the floods of tears that are sure to rain down on us.
 
Step 8: Reflection; daily! I will need more than ever to develop reflection.  To learn to reflect more on what is happening in the moment.... As reflection does not come naturally to me, again I revert to a plan of 'how I will do that'.

So far, it looks like consciously thinking about, sensing, and tuning into ....

• What is happening right now?
• How am I/ is Essy feeling in this moment and why?
• What is not being said?
• What is his body language telling me?
• What I am feeling inside my body?
• What ideas, thoughts or feelings or images are coming to mind at the moment?
• What are others sensing, picking up on right now?
• How are my other horses behaving towards Essy?
• What is the state of his general health, coat condition, skin, hair, muscle tone, curiosity levels, appetite, and activity levels telling me?
• What do I, and what does he, want to create - right now?

Step 9: Living Positively:  I want to build into my plan, trips out.  In hand as I retired him on February 10th 2013 at his request.  Can we go to the New Forest again?  The beach?  A forge?  What great trips out can we plan at home or away?  I already know we'll picnic in the field as we did last summer after his head drilling escapade.  My wonderful music teacher is coming to visit the horses in the field and play her Alpine Horn, I may do a little trilling on the flute! Its about looking for the light in each day, following the fun, lingering in laughter, and keeping our minds stimulated with the new.


Beyond that, the plan hasn't yet developed, but then I haven't gone around that next corner yet, to see what's ahead.  Any offers of advise or guidance will be greatly received before I drive accidentally off the skid pan and into obscurity!

Confessions of a Conscious Coward

In the Bible, book of John we find the immortal words:

“Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her.”

It is easy (for some of us) to be critical of others.  We can spend a lifetime perfecting the art of pulling others ways or ideas apart.  The question is do we have an alternative to offer?  Do we have the self awareness to recognise when to use this ability and when to turn it off? Above all,  can we create as well as destroy? 

I want to explore the concept of cowardice in light of my recent blog citing equine trainers and gurus for not always walking their own talk (cumupense and just deserts).  Whilst I do believe we (any of us) have a duty to call 'foul play' at such events as shown in the videos I included in the post, it does not feel entirely honourable exposing others without their presence to reply.

Since writing it I have been pondering if calling foul behind someones back (so to speak) constitutes cowardice?

A coward as defined by the dictionary, is "a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person".  

....so in the case of earlier blogs; NOT GUILTY !   

However is it as simple as that?

I do lack courage when facing difficulty (not pain or danger) but as an example, in writing "cumupense and just deserts" I struggled to watch the two videos I wanted to upload, before attaching them.  They are simply too difficult to watch.

One of the videos had first come into my awareness during a lunch conversation on January 31st.  I made a note to go and watch it and blog about it.  Ten days later I still had not viewed it or even looked it up even though I had not forgotten about it.  Then the same video link appeared in front of me (complete with you tube link to facilitate my viewing), this time from another source entirely and suddenly I realised it was time I had a look!

My cowardice lies in the fact that I have a massive problem watching any form of abuse.  Films with rape scenes, TV adverts by the RSPCA or RSPCC.  I want to save everyone small, helpless and defenseless and it eats away at me that I can't.  As a child I hated going to the Zoo always wanting to set all the animals free.  I even struggle knowing what to do for the best when a baby elephant lands at me feet on holiday! To go over and offer my love and gentle touch, encouraging his capture in the first place, or walk by and live with the empty feeling in my heart from a moment of connection; lost?

It is probably no surprise that I can identify all too easily from my own past experience, with the feelings of being defenseless, hence the very raw horror it creates for me if re-living it through others; (fiction or otherwise)!  I've never even watched War Horse or The Horse Whisperer and I'm supposed to be consuming all things horsey to have an educated rounded opinion!  So, Coward? Yes, perhaps I am...

"Guilty as charged!"

At times I've had to ask myself if I'm choosing to ignore these things to pretend they don't exist hoping they will go away or do I simply lack the back bone to deal with it?  Maybe there's another option which is once I know about something I'm not the sort that can let it rest there.  Yet what can I do to help animals that are not within my care or jurisdiction?  How much trouble do I need to go looking for and what more can I reasonably expect to take on?  The answer (for me) lies in working with humans not horses per say! (See blog Emperors New Clothes for more about what I mean).

When facing adversity through another's loss, my brave side emerges.  When faced with a loss of my own, it slinks away.  I hope and expect that I will model my own advice  (in The Emperors New Clothes) and do one of the 5 things I list there if I am ever to be a witness to horse cruelty, violence or abuse in the future.  I am confident I will as I have gone too far to turn back in acknowledging my values, and in understanding the rights of a horse.

I have been lucky in my life to not be subjected to witness many instances of cruelty, or abuse towards horses.  One in my polo career so far which isn't bad given the lack of compassion and horse welfare that can surround that particular discipline.

Witnessing first hand or via others experiences, cruelty on any level should raise important questions such as "what can we do differently, what is a better option, besides walking away or remaining silent?"  None of which help the animal or help the offending individual.

It is by thinking about such matters that we are lead to alternative horse training and methods of care.  Over the years I have chosen to explore the teachings of Monty Roberts and Pat Parelli and Mark Rashid, Jenny Rolf,  to see what they had to offer instead of violence. 

However, whether or not I am a rigid disciple of their teachings believing their every word (and I do not), they have all opened up the possibility of other ways 'beyond old school thinking' such as:

"Don't let him get the better of you"

 or 

"She's testing me"!

or

"Show her who is boss"

or

"He's really arrogant"

(All quotes that I have personally heard rational adult business women say when describing theirs, mine or another's horse)

It would be foolish to throw the baby out with the bathwater! Meaning, because we have evidence that Pat Parelli or another guru isn't as self aware as one wishes, or operating with as much integrity as we had hoped, doesn't mean that some of his teachings and concepts are no longer valid.

Back to my earlier blog (cumupense and just deserts) - we have to be discerning and evaluative and not be lemmings falling off the proverbial cliff!  We should take what works, what makes sense for us and our horse, and fits with our values, then dump the rest!  Don't set ourselves up for a fall by believing the next horse guru is the Messiah or you may as well take equine lessons from Russell Brand!

Humans seem to act (around horses) as if their very life depends on having the upper hand.  Perhaps from in the saddle we are right to be fearful of danger, falls and injury.  But, then my advise in times of danger, is, and always has been,  "get out of the saddle"!  Don't sit up there shouting, kicking and flapping, adding to the horses' belief that there is something to fear!  Get off!  Calm down, be safe, and set an example to your horse and others.  There's always later to get back on if you wish!

The evidence is all around us of the true nature of a horse; kind, gentle, forgiving.  They seek a peaceful, quiet harmonious life.  We rarely offer that with our gadgets, demands, expectations, loud radios, shrill voices, impatience and lack of time to do anything with heart and understanding, whilst answering our phones!

Books are plentiful that depict the Horse as the gentlest and noblest of creatures, with the power to kill us with a single kick, and the self restraint, to not do so!  There is not one book (to my knowledge) that writes about the Horse as a Killer Machine.   Not one book listing out the case studies and examples of deliberate attempts made by horses to destroy human life, terrify us in our sleep, or pulverise us to a pulp.

Personally, I have heard (last year) of one case where a polo pony in the UK did apparently set upon a man in a small stall and left him unconscious in a very bad way.  I know nothing more of the details and credentials behind the event.  Once in over 40 years of being around horses is not compelling evidence in my mind.   There will be other stories I am sure.  The point however remains, they do not go through life on 'auto kill' mode, but they can be a danger when provoked (such is the nature of a prey animal) - and if left in the hands of a very mean spirited human after years of institutionalised fear and abuse.  Hardly the fault of any horse in such a situation!

I am reading a book by Joe Camp (Born Wild) and it's proving a tough read in parts.  It cites the illegal operation of the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) in the USA rounding up and containing 50,000 wild Mustang and Burros (many going to Mexico for slaughter) simply to provide profiteering ranchers better access to land for their cattle.  The actions and motive of this organisation whose sole purpose is to enforce the Wild-Free Roaming Horse & Burro Act of 1971  (protecting the wild Mustangs and preserving their right to graze on the land in perpetuity), is both illegal, immoral and inhumane.  Yet it continues as I write and it enrages me and overwhelms me.

Wonderful people exist in the USA to try to stop the BLM's actions.  Slowly they make progress.  The stories, however, inside the book of eye witnesses haunt me and have occupied every cell in my brain since reading them.   I rest my case in front of the jury and plead guilty yet again, to finding such events an emotional struggle.  I am a coward in delaying what I must do... read on and finish the book.

In writing this blog I have developed my own belief about what Cowardice is.  I believe that it takes so many forms: confusion, selfishness and sometimes a heavy weight of responsibility.  It can also be born out of strong principles that support life, living, loving and harmony. Take as an example men who refused to go to war for their country.

I am sure most of us know the feeling of 'wanting to get off the bus' some days and give up. Cowardice can be part of our every day occurrence. 

“Let him who is without sin among you 

be the first to throw a stone at her.”

 

I have  and continue to sin, on a daily basis as follows...!

I believe I am the only one who can look after my horses to the standard I expect and they deserve.  This can at times be a heavy burden to bear.  Yet I can not find refuge from this feeling.

I live with constant confusion around what is best for my horses as I try to fulfil their needs without simply turning them wild!  Trying to understand who to believe and why do so many horses chose to stand in their stalls when given freedom to roam, when so many experts tell us they will not!

I am selfish in trying to decide do I put my horses inner 'evolutionary ' needs above my own well-being, if the former means less of the latter?  Choosing not to give my horses 24/7 turn out because it means I can't get to see them daily does feel selfish.  The reality is that should something happen to one of them, or should they be stolen from the field - the weight of that burden would be totally all consuming.  I have no semblance of thought about how I could survive either.

Personally speaking, there is no doubt I am intimidated every day of my life (part of the definition of a coward),  by my own research into horse care, by not knowing which way to turn, by confusion and lack of a crystal ball!  So, I am a coward.

There is stuff I shay away from (decisions, watching videos of cruelty, scary films etc.), yet it feels more than simply being afraid.  It is a reluctance to put oneself in a certain situation. For me that is a situation of extreme guilt, hurt or regret.

On the up side, most of us are without a jury judging our actions, and are without penalty for poorly made choices.  Happiness; 'a life full of love and laughter', or the absence of it is a big enough deterrent to moving forward, add to that the worry of letting your horse down, and its a wonder any of us get out of bed each day!

So I invite you to join me in a place of 'conscious cowardice' - determined to be brave more often than not, yet wise enough to know better!

Beyond the Comfort Zone: where the magic happens!

“Inspiration is a guest who doesn’t like to visit lazy people.”

- Tchaikovsky (composer)

In view of recent postings (Cumupense and just deserts and the Emperors Clothes) I have been reflecting on what it will take for us humans to move beyond bad temper, domination and exertion of power with horses, towards a more inspired and lets face it "EASIER" way to be.

After all, it takes a lot of energy, and effort to be angry, violent or always right!  It's a heavy emotional cross to bear and I don't believe it leaves anyone truly feeling good about themselves (although most who behave like this have learned NOT to feel at all)!  

In my coaching work, I often meet people who are 'anesthetized' from feeling - they suffer from feelings of deep restlessness or boredom, pangs of martyrdom or victim, and of course don't tend to find much to laugh at!

To understand the significance of shutting ourselves down like this - preferring not to think or to feel, I liken it to being locked up in a fortress with the draw bridge raised.  From within we kid ourselves that no more harm can reach us, which isn't true plus, we block out the good stuff too, without realising it!  Locked up in this cold and stony place actually does deliver more harm than good - harm we self inflict by keeping company only with ourselves!

To create moments of inspiration we must be alive; feeling and thinking.  We must live with the expansive energies not the diminishing ones where we try to live a small, safe life. This keeps us trapped and caged.

Again, we come back to how self aware are we of what we are thinking, feeling, and the choices and decisions we are making.  Do we even realise we are metaphorically 'asleep', anaesthetised and locked up inside our limiting beliefs? 

Socrates, who himself seemed pretty good at inspiring people, once proclaimed, “the unexamined life is not worth living.”  Sources of inspiration essentially come from within, even though they may be stimulated by external experiences. So, if like me you are disillusioned with equine trainers who repeatedly fall foul of ego, anger and domination, it’s time to be the best you can be for your horse and a role model for others, no matter how small a start we make.

It's starts with some personal research and barn or field time doing absolutely nothing except naval gazing.  Consider your own responses to the following:-

1. What truly inspires you and nurtures your relationship with horses? 
2. What gets your passion for horses flowing? 
3. When do you tremble with excitement or joy?
4. What is the story you want to tell about the changes you want to make for your horse, or others? 
5. Can you paint a mental picture of what the improved way of being will look like? 
6. Is your current personal story compelling enough to inspire people? If not, what can you create instead?

For most of us breaking free from the mold, norms, convention and expectation takes effort, realisation, and a healthy dose of guts or desperation.  We probably recognise it in many forms 'breaking out of our comfort zone' being just one.

To avoid reaching the point of desperation as a trigger for change, start your parole time by learning about developing curiosity and self awareness.  Here are 20 suggestions to help you consciously break free from your current shekels to explore what else is out there and what is still to be discovered, before desperation or depression sets in.


20 WAYS TO STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

1.    Disagree with someone important
2.    Raise money for an equine charity
3.    Tell your horse just how much you care about them and why and mean it
4.    Break the rules of convention, BHS, Pony club, or what everyone else does and says is normal
5.    Challenge convention and keep challenging it until you hear the truth - you'll know when you do
6.    Try new things out for yourself
7.    Do what’s right, not what’s expected
8.    Spend a day navigating your barn and stable in a wheelchair - feel what confinement is like
9.    Act without always knowing the likely outcome - experiment!
10.  Deliberately put yourself in a learning situation every day
11.  Ask five people for feedback about your horsemanship approach
12.  Commit to action without knowing if others will support you
13.  Choose twelve new experiences for you and your horse and complete one each month of the year
14.  Disrupt old patterns and habits - take a different route home for once, read a paper you hate, get up each day at a different time, mount from the wrong side!!
15.  Spend a day with the least experienced horse person in your barn/ you know
16.  Invite a non horsey person to attend your riding lesson and critique it
17.  Give up being told what to do in your riding lessons and take the lead yourself, for six months
18.  Ask for a list of anyone who has complained about your horse and personally ring and apologise—really listen to why they are annoyed by him/her
19.  Share your favourite poem with your horse and explain why you love it
20.  Share this list with others (like-minded or otherwise) to expand it further


Breaking free from what's expected isn't for all of us and nor does it have to be done in one giant leap.  But knowing that its an option at least raises our self awareness and provides options for a later day!

When it comes to doing things differently now or later, we can't all be like the founders of Innocent drinks Richard Reed, Adam Balon and Jon Wright who started Innocent Drinks in 1999 after selling our smoothies at a music festival. They put up a big sign asking people if they thought they should give up their jobs to make smoothies, and put a bin saying 'Yes' and a bin saying 'No' in front of the stall. Then they got people to vote with their empties.  At the end of the weekend, the 'Yes' bin was full, so they resigned from their jobs the next day and got cracking.  What did they have to lose, and just look at what they (and consumers like you and I) have gained!

We can however embrace some important reminders about why failing to change or failing to do it NOW at least, is not the end of the road to a better future.

7 THINGS FAILURE IS NOT:

• Failure is not avoidable – sooner or later, human beings are bound to fail
• Failure is not an event, but a process; success is simply a journey
• Failure is not objective - only the person involved can say for sure it’s a failure
• Failure is not the enemy – it takes adversity to achieve success; it is fertiliser
• Failure is not irreversible - all situations have some potential for recovery
• Failure is not a stigma – it is not a permanent marker, merely a step towards success
• Failure is not final – it is simply a price we pay to achieve success

Through my work and own life experience I've found that bucket loads of energy helps us to change our ways and our understanding. Energy meaning determination, endurance, resilience. Energy meaning bags of the expansive, abundance attracting feminine energies such as:

• joy
• love
• dominion
• excitement
• forgiveness
• humility

...versus the more negative, shrinking energies of anger, rage, chauvinism, manipulation.

The good news for us as individuals and for society and the world at large is that to reach beyond where we exist today, to grow and delevelp, to become more of ourselves, we don't have to read books, go to classes or pass exams.

We do have to WANT to be more; happier, healthier, more loving, being more loved etc.  We need to see that we deserve all of these things (and in turn so too do our horses).

We actually have to want to embrace change without knowing whats on the other side awaiting us!  Pure magic as it happens!

We wont be forced to live out our lives without some moments of inspiration or encouragement just because we find embracing change difficult, life isn't meant to be cruel.  Its meant to be fun! However, once we have had our eyes opened and once we step onto a new path - it is hard to turn back.

The truth has to be shared openly, upfront and what I know from my own personal journey and years of working on myself, is that the break through moments don't come without emotional work.  This is the context by which I mean

 

"Inspiration is a guest who doesn’t like to visit lazy people.”

Living without regrets must however be one sure way of testing out the theory of if we've ever truly tried to go beyond our own comfort zone.

A Valentine Wish

Borrowed from a Facebook post a dear friend sent to me this week

When I Am An Old Horsewoman
I shall wear turquoise and diamonds,
And a straw hat that doesn’t suit me
And I shall spend my social security on
white wine and carrots,
And sit in my alleyway of my barn
And listen to my horses breathe.

I will sneak out in the middle of a summer night
And ride the old bay gelding,
Across the moonstruck meadow
If my old bones will allow
And when people come to call, I will smile and nod
As I walk past the gardens to the barn
and show instead the flowers growing
inside stalls fresh-lined with straw.

I will shovel and sweat and wear hay in my hair
as if it were a jewel
And I will be an embarrassment to ALL
Who will not yet have found the peace in being free
to have a horse as a best friend
A friend who waits at midnight hour
With muzzle and nicker and patient eyes
For the kind of woman I will be
When I am old.

-Author Patty Barnhart

I could not have captured the sentiment any better!  

Happy Valentine to horses and their carers everywhere <3

An Authentic Horse Owners Job Description by Angelina Jolie!

"The tragedy of life is that we understand it backwards 

but have to live it forwards"

- Danish philosopher

It can be hard to know who we are and what to think at the best of times, never mind when we are around our horses and suddenly all of 'who we are' and 'the stuff we desire' when apart from them no longer matters anymore!  Angelina Jolie once offered an interesting explanation of such  human complexity:-

“Every character I’ve ever played is me, because there are about 
40 people inside me and I just take away 
39 of them for any particular role” 

Job Descriptions have often helped to explain 'who we need to be at work' and 'how we need to do our daily job' in order to be successful.   So it begs the question as horse owners or trainers "what is our job?" "What role have we been recruited to fulfil when we take on a horse or pony?"   "If we had a job description for the position how would it read?"

One thing for sure is that we would all have our own slant on it.  Jobs in the world of business have changed beyond recognition.  In the past, successful roles in busy Corporations (one of the 40 characters I play) required us to work with facts, metrics, objective analysis, formal planning and so on.  Today, firms are better understood and managed if treated as a living and breathing organism - unpredictable and multifaceted.  Business Leadership today teaches that explicit knowledge is no longer enough.  So how can we believe that once taught Rider, Trainer roles and methods still apply today when everything else has changed?

Homework!

Grab a pen and paper and pause for a moment.  Write down your Equine Job Description.  The job description that captures why you do what you do with your horse.

• What title would you give yourself that symbolises what your role means to you?   
• To whom do you report? 
• What is the overall purpose of your role?  
• What would be your top 10 responsibilities?  

(My sample JD is at the end of this blog - a work in progress)!

My bet is that even if you do this mentally and not on paper - nowhere will your JD include 'mucking out', 'poo picking' 'emptying haynets' - all of which we do but none of which capture why we work or live with horses, in the bigger scheme of things.

Even at home I doubt a Parent's job description would include nappy changing, preparing meals, washing clothes etc.  Not if written from the point of view of 'how to be a great parent' in which case its about passing on big things like 'life skills'.

Both caring for horses and raising children have much bigger goals and purpose to them than the tasks of simply surviving every day out of duty and obligation.

The purpose of a job description at work is to express what 'success' or 'greatness' looks like so that the right person can be hired, and their performance and development measured and managed over time.  It might be interesting to apply such a process to our modern world of horse care.  It would be sure to open our eyes and help us see where we meet the expectations of the role and where we fall short and why.  

Companies and nature are more than ever being recognised as having characteristics in common versus apart.  Businesses behave like herds of horses or flocks of geese.  When the geese migrate the lead bird constantly changes, to be replaced by another and then another.  The lead role amongst mares in a herd of horses can alternate in a similar fashion. In business life we call this 'distributed leadership' meaning just about anyone with the talent and drive can at least temporarily play an important leadership role. 

Actors, Dancers and Sportsmen and women learn by practise to refine their skills and art.  Do we ever practise living or how to be a great addition to our horses life?  As Martha Graham, US Dancer and Teacher once said:

“I believe we learn by practise. Whether it means to learn to dance 

by practising dancing, or to learn to live by practising living,

 the principles are the same.”

Of course the exercise of writing your equine job description is not especially important, the thinking that it promotes however is!  I continue to be convinced that we live so much of our lives (whoever we are) on automatic pilot, not stopping to think about what we are doing, how we are doing it and of course WHY!  Never mind can we be better, or more enlightened at it?

There can be no 'single' job description as there is no one single Marketing Manager or universal way to be a great Actor. Angelina does it her way, others will use their own system.  Knowing that we don't have a template to follow can be the most exciting gift we give ourselves. Following the lead of others is rapidly in my opinion becoming a recipe for disaster.  Mediocrity rarely results in exceptional performance or breakthroughs in understanding.

The alternative is to respectfully allow ourselves and others to find our own individual way and it is a continuing theme of Essy's Wishes as we wake up more than ever to the freedom that is there for the taking! (See comupance and just deserts, or Emperors New Clothes).

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” 

  

- Friedrich Nietzsche, (19th Century German philosopher )

I am drawn at the moment to Malcolm Gladwells book David and Goliath.  A book that shares amazing human stories of people overcoming disabilities to turn a negative into an advantage. Life is full of every day stories of this type.  Take Dianne Thompson, a butcher’s daughter from Batley in West Yorkshire who became head of the UK lottery service Camelot. At the time there was widespread comment that Camelot had shot its bolt and some other company should run the lottery. Battling to insert her company back in the race for a renewed lottery licence, Thompson relied on just being herself. “There was no PR spin,” explained non-executive director Michael Grade. “She believed in the cause, she was a master of the facts and the detail...she came over as a real person.” Ultimately she prevailed, and against the odds defeated the bid from the more high-profile Richard Branson.

Be YOURSELF is a message that holds strong.  But first we have to find ourselves...

....Back to Angelina Jolie and her 40 inner selves!  To help us find ourselves, what can we do? The answer in part (as well as healing our hurts) includes developing consciously the different parts of us that may lie dormant within.  Think of yourself as a vessel that needs to expand and connect with more of you - the parts you didn't even know were inside.

For fun, consciously take on the job of being an Actor and consider how you would be living your life if you were to bring to life character traits such as authenticity, vulnerability, observing, living, laughing and re-creating the YOU!

As an example, this might look like the following:-

Character No. 1: Buddha! Practise being Authentic: Our horses like our human friends want us to be authentic; genuine.  Not conflicted or faking it, not pretending or acting (sorry Angelina).  They can't read us and know whether or not to trust us if we are hidden behind masks, expectations, or volatile emotions and full of contradiction.  We have to practise being reliable, dependable, confrontation averse (or at least knowing when it's essential versus picking fights for the fun of it), saying what we mean and meaning what we say.  Being truthful and honest.  Valuing these things in others and spending time with people like this.

Character No. 2: Forest Gump! Be vulnerable: Openly share with loved ones your fears, or vulnerabilities - it is both endearing and brave.  It is also much bigger than simple bravery.  From such a place of openness we are trusting those we love not to exploit that very Achilles heel. We give them incredible power NOT to hurt us or betray our trust. So be selective when you do this.  You will learn who you can trust and that's a lesson best learnt sooner rather than later. 

Character No. 3: Gypsy Rosa Lee! Practise seeing others:  In order to find ourselves we have to look first.  To help develop the art of looking and seeing we must be curious, have good powers of observation without judgement, be able to listen and to reflect on what we witnessed. Forcing ourselves to see things from another point of view, and then another, adds perspective and awareness.   Start by seeing your horse for who he/she is!  Who is he/she? 

Character No. 4: A Toddler! Practise living: Don't just settle for existing; making it through another day, another year, another job! Life is supposed to be fun! Know what are your passions and develop and explore them don't store them in a bottle for a day when you aren't so busy. Time is a man made convention so take your watch off and do it now! 

Character No 5: Mother Theressa! Be light: Show your compassionate side as often as you can especially towards those that bring out the reverse in you as they will need your light the most!  Let your funny side shine through with good humour, light hearted-ness and lots of laughs!

Character No 6: YOU! Discard and throw away all of the above characters and replace them with your own; more fun and authentic to who you are and who you want to become more of!

 “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

 - Ralph Waldo Emerson, (essayist, lecturer, and poet)

My Sample Job Description - a work in progress just as it should be as no role or situation ever stays the same, especially if our eyes are opening a little wider each day we live it.

The Emperor's New Clothes

If I had 3 wishes I would use up only 1; 

"for adults to retain the attitude of a child throughout our lives"

As someone who has never chosen to have children of my own it might seem strange to learn that I have a deep affection for what they stand for. Not the survival of the human species (I'm past worrying about that being a planet given entitlement), but because of their honesty.  

I love the unbridled enthusiasm and excitement of children, the ease with which they giggle, their active imagination and their untainted self belief and optimism about their future.  Children love to dream about 'what they want to be when they grow up' believing they can be whatever they wish!

What a gift and for some those dreams come true!

When I was a child I wanted to ride horses professionally when I grew up.  That was all I wanted, although I believe I also had a brief stint wanting to be an astronaut then a trapeze artist.  Both soon fell from glory returning me back to the safety of horses.

Today I no longer want to work with horses. I have horses whom I admire and am so proud of and never do I want to think of it as work.  Nor is riding them holding as much importance these days.

It is with humans that I feel the need to continue to work with.  Only then can I be of service to horses beyond my daily reach and remit.   Just think of all the people you have come across or heard about who abuse horses intentionally or otherwise, knowingly or not, in public or in private.  Imagine if we could reduce the number of incidents dramatically, or eradicate it totally? How much better off would the world be, for horses?

In an earlier blog (cumupense and just deserts) I inserted two videos of natural horsemen/women at their worst; not living their values and not leading by example.  I've been wondering how does this happen and why?

In short, the answer seems to lie in unbridled hurt and pain experienced early in life, that if left unhealed and unresolved shows up time after time in adult life as anger, rage and shame.  The worry is that before any unsuspecting 'equine guru' even realises how angry or full of shame they are - they have done the unspeakable and let it out towards an innocent horse.   Sometimes this is a by product of our Ego (but must not be mistaken as applying only to men).

The known problems with ego include:-

- most of us don't know what or where inside us it it

- we don't know what its purpose is so we fear or deny its existence

- we don't seek help to take it off auto-pilot and onto manual drive and in our control - how can we if we resist or deny it's existence in the first place?

Once we get to grips with these issues, ego ceases to run your life, which means that strong emotions like shame,  anger or rage can surface with more notice, giving us time to chose our response to it and let it out in a safe and respectful manner, if appropriate.

To give some quick guidance on the above questions of Ego - it is inside all of us, not some of us.  Where it hangs out isn't that important.  In my experience its in every cell and fibre of our being and is a summation of our life's experiences especially from our early childhood years. It's purpose is actually simple and noble - it is to keep us safe and help us survive the early years of life.  It teaches us for example how to behave in order to stay safe in a violent household, even if that results in denying our right for freedom of expression, being invisible and hiding ourselves away. 

Our ego keeps us safe so that we can survive.  The problem is that often as adults, the techniques it learnt that served us well as children, tend to have negative consequences in adult life.  Who wants to live with someone whose a black belt at giving you the 'silent treatment' or who flits between passive and passive-aggressive behaviours?  No-one.  Least of all ourselves.  Yet we feel unable to behave differently because, after all,  our ego thinks it's in charge and its priority mission is to keep us safe by doing what it's always done!

Would you give up such an important job without a fight, after decades of practise and responsibility?

We can learn to work with our ego, connecting with it as a real part of ourselves (with a voice and age and emotions),  re-connecting with it during times when it saved our skin as youngsters, through memory. We can  re-write it's role in life and lessening it's power over us by changing the ending of unhappy memories, painful as they are to re-visit at the time.  We can learn to regard our ego with compassion not blame, with understanding not criticism, fear or shame.  See him/her as a vital part of us not an embarrassment to shun.  After this, we are more able to respectfully turn the volume down on him/her when shes all we can hear BEFORE she splatters the person in front of us with her years of suppressed venom!

I have come to believe that many people who work with horses, or the disabled, mentally ill, or children in social care are actually not in a mental state to do so.   I wish it were different.  Maybe I am simply a victim of the media's frenzied attention to the rising incidences of neglect and abuse that are popularised.  Or, maybe I  sense that those who did not experience enough love and safety as children seek out the very same unloving, insecure environments as adults believing whats familiar is therefore safe!

Its a classic case of the blind leading the blind.  How else are so many victimised children visited by social workers and yet the dangers never seen until its too late?

When it comes to working with horses, some will argue that the comparison with abused children or the mentally ill is hardly a valid one.  I guess it depends what fires your sense of moral outrage and despair.  Every cause needs its champions and if Ghandi's view of civilisation lay in its conduct towards animals, we should consider if the future of our children or the mentally ill, is in safe hands at all!

"The greatness of a nation and its morale progress can be judged 

by the way it's animals are treated" 

- Mahatma Gandhi

If like me you tend not to have heroes, it can still be alarming when those who get close to such a heady height fall from grace with a bang.  It's not that we expect perfection, but we do expect humility and when appropriate an apology.    

Knowing when to apologise is a mark of being an adult it's a reflection of our willingness to take full responsibility. I am sickened and saddened when videos are released showing horses being harmed, shaken up, frightened by humans.  I feel bereft when the perpetrators fail to apologise and admit their ego got the better of them.  It might not change my respect for them or their work but it would restore my hope that they do at least know better, right from wrong!

We are all guilty of moments of weakness, folly or showing off.  Humans of both sexes and all ages seem to find it easy to resort to dominating someone/thing smaller or with less freedom than ourselves.  Is this to be our legacy?  Is this how we apply our intellect, reasoning, and problem solving skills?  

I no longer buy into excuses about us playing out our prey instincts.  Bull shit!  We have evolved way beyond hunter gatherer instincts and if we haven't can we please stop telling ourselves we have!  We either have or we haven't.  I think its time we took a long hard look at the evidence on both sides.

It would be arrogant of me to spell out what we should do when we are exposed to acts of cruelty, unchecked anger or bullying.  Doing nothing no longer seems a tenable option.  Humanity seems to be drowning under a sea of rage and mistreatment, wars and torture.  The problem isn't getting better and our desire for sensationalising the stories seems callous and barbaric. 

What Can I do?

1. The call to action is simply to do something or say something if you witness acts of cruelty.  
2. Stay calm, stay respectful to the situation, but don't just turn your back.  
3. Put yourself in the place of the guru, the horse, the horse's owner a year from now when he/she realises the harm inflicted on her horse.  
4. Call a "halt", get people talking, create a pause, for everyone to breath.  
5. Ask a question, to break the emotional state in play.  

...There is so much we can do without really doing much at all.  

Above all, don't be like the Hans Christian Anderson Tale and go along with everyone else just because the person in the arena is called Pat, Monty or the Queen of England!

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reference Note: The Emperor's New Clothes is a short tale by Hans Christian Andersen about two weavers who promise an Emperor a new suit of clothes that is invisible to those unfit for their positions, stupid, or incompetent. When the Emperor parades before his subjects in his new clothes, a child cries out, "But he isn't wearing anything at all!"