Letting go of the "Leadership" Reins!

In an earlier blog I toyed with the idea of letting my horse lead me for a change.

It's early days into the process but here are some of my reflections on what has been a really valuable experience.

'Ah-has'...

The first thing I noticed was how my brain immediately tried to 'plan' the session!  Yes, I actually began to create a mental map of how I would NOT Lead, including all the things I would not do, which left me bereft of what I actually would be doing!   (Guess it's a pretty foreign concept for me right?!)

I found myself thinking 'what kind of a person needs to plan how they will follow another?'

Don't you just do it?  Answer? Yes, but following is a skill that requires close observation, being present, letting go of control,  being non judgemental and spontaneous,  and, of course a willingness to wait for something to happen!  None of which describes my normal 'Modus Operandi'!

(Needless to say I caught myself 'mid-planning' and had a good giggle and stopped!)

So, what did I do?

I lead Grace into the menage, shut the gate, and stood stock still.  After a few glances at me (where I'm sure I could hear her saying 'well aren't you going to do something?') -  she walked off.   That was my cue to follow.

When she stopped I stopped

Whatever caught her attention;  gained mine!

Where she looked; my eyes went too

When she exhaled, I let go and exhaled

When she turned to go in the opposite direction I was at her side

However long she stood and observed something in the distance, I held my gaze too.

I didn't dive my nose literally into the rubber and sand when she did to take a long sniff (maybe next time), but I did kneel down to get much closer to it.

Throughout our evening saunter, I found myself utterly fascinated by how she experiences life and what this life might actually be like for her. Some of those observations that fascinated me, were:-

What does rubber and sand smell like to a horse? 

How can it be so easy for a horse to stand motionless watching something for five minutes straight?

What makes them then move off, or change direction?
What gets their attention?

What are they thinking? 

How do they process information?

What can they small on the wind, in the air, on the human at their side?

What do they make of our requests to go round in circles seemingly without purpose, outcome or process?

What constitutes fun for them, if that concept applies?

When is sniffing 'enough' and turns into time to move on?

Some moments of intrigue for Grace...

 (Needless to say I did have to intervene before I lost my rear windshield!)

(I know the pitch fork shouldn't have been there, but a clinically barren environment doesn't feel authentic for me or her so please forgive it's presence)!

As we sauntered around the menage without head collar or rope (unlike in the above videos), I can honestly say it was fun to just be there with no reason other than to observe and study my horse as she explored things and places, sights and sounds.

It was a joy not to be making all the decisions and wondering was I communicating clearly, respectfully and effectively?  It was great not to have the responsibility for balancing exercise, stretching and fitness.  Interestingly we had no cartwheels or spooks and nor did I at any time feel unsafe or have cause to question hers!

It was a very peaceful, refreshing evening.  I loved so many things about 'following' not 'leading', including:-

a horse can be intrigued by simply absorbing information

a horse seems to follow the same rules as we do i.e. 'minimal effort, maximum result'

a horse will naturally savour moments for freedom of expression, adventure and exploration

as Francesco de Giorgi says in his book 'The Cognitive Horse' ...

 "you can bring a horse to 'your environment' or bring 'your environment' to your horse"

Given a choice and left alone, how would your horse pass his time?  Will he alternate between being the leader and being the follower? He unreservedly knows the difference, the question is do we?

A final thought from Francesco De Giorgio's book, reads:

"only when you give horses the space, the context, and the time to create their own experience, their own learning, their own sharing, when you focus on their quality of life, will you see the horse as he is"

My 'agenda free' time has certainly made me question how in the past I have not seen the Horse for the horse, and I'm now very keen to continue to explore "The Horse Within", with each of my individual horses.  I'll be reporting back in due course!

The Hallmark of An Action Plan

"Whatever is flexible and living will tend to grow; 

 

 whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."

-   Lao Tzu (ancient Chinese philosopher)

Essy's Medical update

"FLEXIBILITY is the name of the game" if we are to bend, not break, like Bamboo in the wind, and adjust to what life has waiting for us!

In business leadership the nimble skill of weathering a recession or expanding into new markets requires a level of improvisation and therefore flexibility.

Is instinct the same as improvisation?  Can one be born from the other?

Over the last 2 years, Ive resisted as long as I could any operation on Essy to further diagnose the source of his one nostril nose bleeds, led largely by my instinct in opposition with my vet.

The only operation (last summer) he has had so far, which did entail drilling a hole in between his eyes did not reach the source of the nose bleed.  Did not diagnose the problem.  It was of no help whatsoever.  The biopsy was inconclusive.  It cost money that the insurance company wouldn't cover as the nose bleeds were ongoing, but most importantly it put my boy through an inevitable massive headache, trauma to his head and face, four weeks of box rest and a bandage round his face with the risk of infection in mid August when we had the hottest weather for ages.  

I was not expecting them to drill that day.  They were supposed to be re-scoping and coming back to me (and my friend waiting anxiously in the vets office) to discuss what to do next.  You've never seen two more shocked humans than us two when we were invited back to see what they had found.  What we saw was their fingers inside Essy's head, together with a long tube and camera.  My friend left quickly out and I hung on in struggling to be brave for Essy. (Proof again, I am a coward)! 

Now, 6 months on, I made the decision to have a CT Scan to see if once and for all we could determine the nature of the problem.  To be truthful my biggest fear was that it wouldn't help much and in a way that fear has come true.

1. There is no tumour (good news)
2. There is however an Ethmoid Hematoma. 
3. Problem is it is in an 'unusual' location so surgery to remove it will be very 'challenging' said the RVC vet who specialises in this surgery and does it often.  At least two holes will need to be drilled into his head, one below his left eye, the other will be re-opened from last summer.
4. Normally there is another option for dealing with these EH's i.e. to drain them by scoping, and injecting into the EH Formalin, once every week over a period of weeks.
5. The problem is that the location of Essy' means this isn't an option for us.  The ET is touching against the cribriform plate which is against the brain.  Should Formalin enter the brain seizures or worse could result.

So Essy and I now have to live out the reality of needing to adjust and respond appropriately to each new day and changing situation, symptom or diagnosis.  Given that our situation is kind of new, (for us and the vets) it seems pointless looking for ‘tick-box’ solutions or trying to “do it by the book”.  I am not against vets or their advice.  I do not know better (far from it).   But nothing about my own life or that of my horses is 'text book material' so why would I expect any of our challenges to fall neatly into a "Manual of How To....?" Deep down I still believe Essy's nose bleeds has an emotional link.

Our ability to adapt and embrace flexibility is an important reason we have survived as human beings. Unfortunately, as people move into positions of authority and power, this natural capability often becomes compromised. It starts to atrophy, replaced by more rigid thinking, a reliance on systems, procedures and bureaucracies.  My challenge now is to be flexible in my thinking and stay nimble and able to adapt.

 

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives,

 nor the most intelligent,

 it is the one that is most adaptable to change.”

- Charles Darwin (Naturalist)

My plan of action has three parts:

1. - Have an overall plan
2. - Remain "present", day by day
3. - Be ready to change the plan!

My own stress level management programme is always facilitated if I have a plan and can start to action it.   However, the need for loving Essy each day with all my heart means I have to stay present, more than ever before.  Without an "in the moment" mindset we can't fight this things with love, healing, joy and the shear will to live.  In stead I think we are left fighting from fear, dread and pain.

The Hallmarks (defined as 'distinguishing characters and features') of my Plan so far are:-

Step 1: The power of now! A renewed focus on being present, in the moment

Step 2: Distant Healing from a dear friend who has offered her love and help

Step 3: Reiki as often as we can ideally weekly as a minimum

Step 4: Self Selection of Herbs and Oils to support him - with the help of Naturally Animals and iridologist Catherine Edwards

Step 5: James Hart tonics  - to be explored which could help, if any

Step 6: Red light therapy - although I'm not sure where to put it as the EH is deep in his head.  What is clear is that the location where the vets thought it was (below his eye) is NOT the right place.  Funny thing is that every time I've put the light there, believing it might be doing some good, Essy has uncharacteristically, not stood still, not been happy.  My god did he know all along it was the wrong spot?

Step 7: A three way talk with Margrit (in the diary) to check on headaches, discomfort and to openly talk about giving me signs that things aren't good.  Fear of not having an open line of communication will be the only thing that gets me through that conversation and the floods of tears that are sure to rain down on us.
 
Step 8: Reflection; daily! I will need more than ever to develop reflection.  To learn to reflect more on what is happening in the moment.... As reflection does not come naturally to me, again I revert to a plan of 'how I will do that'.

So far, it looks like consciously thinking about, sensing, and tuning into ....

• What is happening right now?
• How am I/ is Essy feeling in this moment and why?
• What is not being said?
• What is his body language telling me?
• What I am feeling inside my body?
• What ideas, thoughts or feelings or images are coming to mind at the moment?
• What are others sensing, picking up on right now?
• How are my other horses behaving towards Essy?
• What is the state of his general health, coat condition, skin, hair, muscle tone, curiosity levels, appetite, and activity levels telling me?
• What do I, and what does he, want to create - right now?

Step 9: Living Positively:  I want to build into my plan, trips out.  In hand as I retired him on February 10th 2013 at his request.  Can we go to the New Forest again?  The beach?  A forge?  What great trips out can we plan at home or away?  I already know we'll picnic in the field as we did last summer after his head drilling escapade.  My wonderful music teacher is coming to visit the horses in the field and play her Alpine Horn, I may do a little trilling on the flute! Its about looking for the light in each day, following the fun, lingering in laughter, and keeping our minds stimulated with the new.


Beyond that, the plan hasn't yet developed, but then I haven't gone around that next corner yet, to see what's ahead.  Any offers of advise or guidance will be greatly received before I drive accidentally off the skid pan and into obscurity!